JS17 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Food for thought, topic: Baggage Everyone has baggage, there's no escaping it. I saw a man post on here that he won't date girls with baggage which I found strange because everyone has some issue or another to deal with. So I was thinking about where the line is drawn and these questions..... How do you deal with your own baggage? How do you deal with other's baggage? What do you consider baggage enough to end a relationship or not get involved with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I read a good book a while ago called "Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way" by Judith Sills and thought it had some useful information. The basic premise is that a person's baggage generally stems from their strengths. For example, say you're extremely loyal but that sometimes leads you to be possessive. The book focuses on reducing the bad behaviors without killing off the positive traits of one's strength(s). Your questions are a little too general. It depends on the type of baggage the other person has, I suppose. I would think it's time to leave when/if the drama caused by the baggage exceeds the benefits of continuing to see that person. Risk vs. reward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted December 12, 2005 Author Share Posted December 12, 2005 I know the questions were pretty general but I'm not thinking about anything in specific. The individual's comment on another thread just spurred me to start thinking about these things. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 The basic premise is that a person's baggage generally stems from their strengths. For example, say you're extremely loyal but that sometimes leads you to be possessive. The book focuses on reducing the bad behaviors without killing off the positive traits of one's strength(s). What about insecurity and anger issues? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 What about insecurity and anger issues? Those are no different. I know one section of the book covers rage explicitly. Insecurity and anger both stem from a fear of loss. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Those are no different. I know one section of the book covers rage explicitly. Insecurity and anger both stem from a fear of loss. No, I meant to say, what is the source of strength in this case? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 No, I meant to say, what is the source of strength in this case? You're thinking of it backwards. It's not that insecurity and anger are sources of strength. The idea is that a person has certain strengths. Out of these strengths come positive traits about a person, but they have a side-effect of creating weaknesses. So the source of strength for insecurity could be a lot of things depending on the person. The trick is to locate the source of strength, and then trace it to both positive and negative behaviors. From there, eliminate the negative behaviors while keeping the positive behaviors. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 You're thinking of it backwards. It's not that insecurity and anger are sources of strength. The idea is that a person has certain strengths. Out of these strengths come positive traits about a person, but they have a side-effect of creating weaknesses. So the source of strength for insecurity could be a lot of things depending on the person. The trick is to locate the source of strength, and then trace it to both positive and negative behaviors. From there, eliminate the negative behaviors while keeping the positive behaviors. I did understand you, it's just I couldn't really come up with any kind of positive character trait that might have insecurity and anger as a negative side effect. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Hey, if the chick's got a good set of Samsonites, that means she likes travelling. So sign me up! Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I did understand you, it's just I couldn't really come up with any kind of positive character trait that might have insecurity and anger as a negative side effect. Then get the book and read it. I'm no Ph. D. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 You're right most people all have some sort of baggage. This baggage only becomes a problem for me when you make your baggage my baggage. I have my own, I don't need yours too. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 i once dated a women who had more baggage than JFK airport Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I guess you either except it or you don't !! For me my h came with a child and i think being a step parent has been the most challenge i had accomplished !! Also you gotta deal with the ex thats the pain in the ass of it!! lol Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 For me its when you feel like you're dating her baggage, and not the girl. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 i once dated a women who had more baggage than JFK airport LOL!! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 What is baggage for one person isn't considered baggage for another.. ie:.. I have broken up with someone before after they had told me they were on Prozac. 2 ways to look at this.. one is that I had just gotten out of a marriage with someone that was bi-polar... so my baggage was protecting me. The other is that her taking prozac might not be considered baggage to someone else.. but it was to me. I saw it as her baggage not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 For me its when you feel like you're dating her baggage, and not the girl. I totally agree with this. When the baggage is becoming too much of a focus and factor that it is taking awary from the relationship then there are problems surely to follow. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 When the baggage is becoming too much of a focus and factor that it is taking awary from the relationship then there are problems surely to follow. True TUDOR....but I'd take Louis Vuitton baggage over Samsonite any day of the week Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Yes but the LV baggage might have big old grandma bloomers packed inside of it while the Samsonite luggage might be packed with silky Victoria's Secret underwear. We shouldn't judge a person by their luggage. (But we've all been guilty of that haven't we?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted December 12, 2005 Author Share Posted December 12, 2005 Good post Touche! Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 How do you deal with your own baggage? Here comes the predictably long winded Lindyalogue... I analyse like mad (and referring to Tanbark's book, I guess the downside of that is that I brood). I think of the things in a relationship that pissed me off the most, then I consider why those things pushed my buttons so much. If the ex has told me things about myself that really hurt, I'll talk it over with a trusted friend to figure out what parts might be true about me and can be improved upon, and which bits were harmful rubbish that may have been more about him than about me. How do you deal with other's baggage? If it's a friend's, I try to help them with the above process. If it's some guy I've just met who wants to dump baggage on me straight away, then I'll distance myself. If it's extreme, and if we have a mutual friend who is reasonably trustworthy, I'll suggest to that person that they might encourage him to get counselling. What do you consider baggage enough to end a relationship or not get involved with someone? When someone is consumed by issues they can't or won't address. Trapped in victim/bully mode they refuse to compromise for others, but take it as read that others will be happy to compromise and make sacrifices for them. If you challenge them effectively about this, they will either pretend to beat themselves up about it or they will embrace their faults with a strange sort of pride. Either way, they'll have no real intention of ever doing anything to improve the situation. When I find myself rationalising bizarre behaviour, adopting a role that is more akin to therapist than lover, constantly containing disappointment and making allowances for the other person...that's the time I should end the relationship. Recognising that you've reached that stage is the tricky part. As you know, these situations can creep up on you gradually so that bit by bit you become accustomed to behaviour and traits that can't really be part of a healthy relationship. You can absorb some of it yourself...or it can shine a light on some of your own underlying issues without providing you with a safe place and trustworthy partner to address them with. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 I read a good book a while ago called "Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way" by Judith Sills and thought it had some useful information. The basic premise is that a person's baggage generally stems from their strengths. This sounded pretty interesting so I went out and got the book last night from my friendly local library. Thanks for the tip, Tan - I love getting book recommendations! Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Here comes the predictably long winded Lindyalogue... When someone is consumed by issues they can't or won't address. At the risk of slipping into my now well-rehearsed role as the Reader's Digest version of Lindya I agree. All of us have baggage. The real issue is not which baggage and how much, but whether we recognise it and are willing to deal with it. So the question is: are they a baggage handler or not? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 At the risk of slipping into my now well-rehearsed role as the Reader's Digest version of Lindya I agree. All of us have baggage. The real issue is not which baggage and how much, but whether we recognise it and are willing to deal with it. So the question is: are they a baggage handler or not? Great post Lindya !! And to answer your question RR i guess it depends on the individual and how much they love the person with the baggage!! Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Oh I'm getting this mental vision of someone surrounded by their luggage, sitting on an otherwise empty luggage carousel at the airport that's going round and round and round..... Link to post Share on other sites
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