regrets and doubts

[vito]

Hello Everyone,

I am trying this forum to see if any of you can provide me with a little help or a piece of advice...

 

My problem is that my girlfriend and I "had to" get married after only one year of being together. The reason we got married is that we are from different countries, and to be able to stay together in our new country of residence we had to be married as only one of us had the permission to stay there. However, after some time we decided to move away, and thus our marriage was no longer "necessary". Now my wife is depressed because she thinks that we have wasted one of the most precious moments in life by getting married hastily, and that she will never have the marriage she dreamed of as a little girl. I have told her that I hope that she will be able to enjoy it fully the day we do have our "real" wedding with ceremony and reception and "everything", but she seems to think that the ship has sailed, and is getting extremely upset just by seeing or hearing about others who have had decent weddings and not a "****ty wedding"(her words) like us. Another problem is that we are not in a financial position where we will be able to have our big wedding soon, but will have to wait for it a few years. This is of course really gnawing on her (and us) almost daily, and I fear that it is also the catalyst of her now saying that she is no longer sure about her feelings for me.

 

I kind of know that she still loves me though, but still, the regrets and the doubts are really putting our relationship to a test! I am trying my best to make plans for our wedding, which looks amazing on paper, but she does not seem to believe that she will be able to enjoy it. On top of everything, she is no longer sure if I love her, because she is convinced that I must be sick of her "unstable" state. I do really love her, and I tell her repeatedly as well as try to give her little gifts etc. and make things special for us. But it does not seem to convince her. How can I prove to her that I love her? How can I assure her that our wedding will be great and the best day of our lives? How can...

 

Please, give me your advice - I admit I am new to this, but it is already turning out to be more difficult than I anticipated.

I thank you in advance!

Kind regards,

Vito.

[slubberdegullion]

Now my wife is depressed because she thinks that we have wasted one of the most precious moments in life by getting married hastily, and that she will never have the marriage she dreamed of as a little girl.

She's mistaking the wedding ceremony for the actual marriage contract. A wedding is not a marriage. It is a social marker, exploited to great effect (and expense) by organized religions and the wedding industry. A marriage in a cathedral, with a choir and a parade and a dozen attendants and a honeymoon on a Caribbean island somewhere is no more (or less) a marriage done by the local Justice of the Peace.

 

And so what if she doesn't live out a fantasy she's had since she was a tot? That's life. I haven't landed on the moon either, but it hasn't ruined my existence.

 

I am trying my best to make plans for our wedding, which looks amazing on paper, but she does not seem to believe that she will be able to enjoy it.

Then it sounds like she's already convinced herself that a ceremony is, essentially, a waste.

 

Take that ball and run with it. Spend your time and energy as a couple working on a successful marriage, and not a lavish wedding.

[bunnzy]

I am engaged and working on plans at the moment, and yes, it is 'nice' to have a ceremony and reception, but life goes on after the wedding, and there is a marraige to think about. It seems she is putting too much emphasis on how important the ceremony is.

[glittergurl]

Hey Vito! Me and my husband have been in the exact same situation!

 

He's American, I'm European, we had been going back & forth between Europe and the States to see each other, and well, this went on for two years, when customs started raising eyebrows at my third visit, we realized that this wouldn't work a fourth time. So we basically "rushed" into marriage. I know a lot of people think that marrying after having been together for two years is a pretty decent amount of time; but we weren't planning a wedding for at least 2 more years. So anyway, because of all the complicated paperwork, which I'm sure you know everything about; we just picked a day of the week, went to the court house and got married! I was wearing jeans, he was wearing an ugly a$$ shirt, and the whole thing was done in less than 20min Not exactly my dream wedding.

 

BUT, I don't regret a thing, and nor does he. I knew I wanted to be with him forever, and he felt the same, so nothing else mattered. We first promised each other we would organize a really nice ceremony the next year for our first anniversary; with the white dress and everything. And as time passed, we sort of looked at each other and asked "Are you sure you want to go through all that stress when in fact we're already married?". And no, we didn't. So we said F?ck it. It's not how we had imagined our dream wedding, but so what? We're married, I feel just as married and committed as if I had had the white dress and all the superficiality that goes with it.

 

I don't understand your wife. Now you guys can live together, wasn't that the whole point? I can guarantee you, I've heard a lot of people saying that if they could do it all over again, they wouldn't organize a big wedding because it is so much stress and money.

 

I don't know, I feel kind of bad for you because she's being a little childish about it. Your situation was not "traditional" and you did what you had to do in order to be able to live together. I mean, it's not like you really had a choice; so why is she trying to blame you or even herself? Although I understand how important it is for a girl to have a nice wedding, as it's (hopefully) the only one you'll ever have I think she needs to realize that not EVERYBODY marries with all the nice stuff, and that couples who don't do it the traditional way can last just as long, and even longer. She's creating her own worries and bad feelings, and I hope she'll realize that soon, and appreciate your relationship to its fullest. She could have been deported or you could have been deported, and then I can tell you she'd have quite something to worry about!!!