Mr.X for now Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Hello, I hope I'm not presuming too much by making use of this board. I'm having some difficulties in my intimate (i.e. sex) life with my girlfriend. Our sexlife is at a complete halt, and I'm unable to initiate any further activity. We've been dating for a year and a half, and in that time she has been very accessable and fun, and one day she simply stopped wanting to proceed. Not to say that we don't have sex, but it's gone from 3-4 times a week to once a week or less now. She has had some bad relationships where sex was a priority, and I have been very respectful of that, by not being forceful with her in the same way. I cannot do anything outside of pleasuring her, and only how she wants it. I also cannot ask for anything unusual or specific (oral sex, for example), because she seems to be against the more involved and potentially "dirty" sides to sex. she also seems to be disinterested in pleasuring me. She refuses me whenever I'm worked up and says that I should keep trying until she's "In the Mood" some other night. I do hope that it is enough information to solve the problem, I would greatly appreciate some input. Thanks! -Joh...er...mr.X. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 One strong possibility is that she is having an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2005 Share Posted October 23, 2005 I don't think it's an affair, I think she has very deep issues from her past, maybe some form of abuse, either emotionally or physically, and maybe a religious upbringing - Hense the 'dirty' factor involved when having sex, or not pleasuring you. On her terms only... I don't know what to suggest to her except try to ask her to open up about it. Let her know how much you love her and want to be with her but she has to be a willing partner in the relationship to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Silas25 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 "I don't think it's an affair, I think she has very deep issues from her past, maybe some form of abuse, either emotionally or physically, and maybe a religious upbringing - Hense the 'dirty' factor involved when having sex, or not pleasuring you. On her terms only..." I would have to agree with this statement. My bf and I are going through the same situation and he thought an affair aswell. Which has hurt us but the real thing was the fact that I had been abused when I was young and my last relationship was only for my x's pleasure...It is hard because she may not want to be associating you with that kinda of situation by making sure it is only what and when she wants it. There are ways to work through it if it turns out that she was abused or hurt in some way. I will tell you it is not easy and may not "save" the relationship, but aslong as she is worth the effort to you and you can hang in there...it will work out. Good Luck!! Just ask her to open up and see what she might be feeling or facing...Just do what you can to be supportive Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Good thing you found this out before you married her, isn't it? There are a cluster of posts about this very topic, which shows how widespread the issue is. It's pretty common for a relationship to cool down after the first initial erotic wave. But IMO a sudden change, almost overnight, signals trouble. Did anything else in the relationship change just prior to her diminished libido? Link to post Share on other sites
jfrogcali Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and just recently have been experiencing the same thing that you are describing. At first, what popped into my mind was that he was cheating on me … I mean really, he is a GUY and what guy doesn’t want to have SEX!?!?!? Although, I know that he is not cheating on me and in fact, our relationship is stronger right now than it has ever been. Therefore, instead of just assuming the worst case scenario, I had to dig a little deeper, and I think that you do too. First, I asked him about the problem. Maybe you should try and do that, but outside of the bedroom and in a non-threatening way. Although, this is not to guarantee that she is going to have any answers for you … at least you are putting it out on the table and letting her know that it bothers you. When I spoke with my boyfriend about the issue, he didn’t have any answers for me, but at least now he knows where I stand, and I can tell he has been trying to be more sensitive to my needs. Also, I know that my boyfriend is under a lot of stress with school and people can handle life stressors in different ways. Perhaps your girlfriend is feeling stress as a result of what has occurred in the past, or maybe she feels more secure in your relationship and the focus in the relationship has shifted….or perhaps, it has nothing to do with you or the relationship and is all a result of what is going on in her life independent of you. …Whatever it is though, my two pieces of advice are that there can never be too much communication within a good relationship. Also, try not to “bug” her about having sex with you, because that is likely to turn her off to it that much more. One more thing that I wanted to mention is in your post, you said that she is not interested in pleasuring you … I think that signals a little bit of a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 One strong possibility is that she is having an affair. If you didn't say "strong" you could have probably sold it.. Strong was too "strong"... lol Link to post Share on other sites
Nur Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 That's really quite selfish of her that she will only accept pleasure and give none. Relationships are about thinking of the other person as well as yourself. I would be pretty wary if my boyfriend expected oral all the time and never went down on me. We were both pretty inexperienced at first, but he went down a lot and eventually I really wanted to do it for him, because the unfairness of it was bugging me. So he turned it into a situation from me being shy or hesitant about it to one where I finally flat-out-asked him, "Can I do that for you, too?" He never asked me. He never mentioned it. But by being constantly open and wanting to give me pleasure he made me want to do the same. It sounds like you are trying for the same thing with your girl, but the fact that she is perfectly content with you doing everything is not the sign of someone who values you as well as herself. Link to post Share on other sites
country gal Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 I am wondering how much experience she has? The reason is b/c it sounds as though she hasnt really discovered her sexual self yet nor does she seem to have a good idea about what really excites her. Also someone mentioned that it might be a deeper issue being that she has is viewing sex as being dirty. That could definately be true - adn if shes comes from a religious family could also be a guilt issue. Its takes some time to override all those childhood messages that sex is wrong nad dirty before you can move to discover that sex is natural and intimate and good. I would ask her about it in a non-threatening way. Be sure to convey that you arent pressuring her, but are interested in helping your relationship grow in every way you can. Let her know that its not simply a sex issue, its an itimacy issue - theres a barrier there somewhere and you want to discover what it is as well as help her wiht it. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts