13yr old son had sex with 18yr old Neighbor

[LBinTenn]

I learned a few days ago my 13 year old son had sex an 18yr old girl from next door. I have not asked the details just informed him and her that I was aware of what was going on and asked them to be very careful as well as informing her that if she was to become pregnant from lack of protection she could possibly face statutory rape charges in our state. Ok, the meat of the topic. The girl now seems uninterested and has been staying out late with friends recently instead of coming home and hanging out with my son as they have done for many years now and he heartbroken and devastated. I have spoken with him on my experience as well as what I know about women and the strains of growing up but would really appreciate some input from anyone who has had to deal with a similar situation. Thanks in advance for your comments.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, I haven't dealt with a situation like that but if my 13 y/o son were having sex I wouldn't be so laid-back about it! I also would be talking to the girl's parents and the police.

 

It's called pedophilia and its against the law and the girl could (maybe should) find her name on picture on the internet sites and the police files as a child molestor -- as in 'look up you zip code and find out how many child molestors live in your neighborhood'

 

Five years is not a big gap to have between adult lovers, but your son is not an adult.

[JadeStar]

You do what you want but I will tell you this, if my son was 13 years old and having sex with an 18 year old, I wouldn't just think about pressing charges for stagatory rape, I would be doing it!! Not sure what the laws are in your state but here, if you have sex with a minor which means someone under the age of 18, willing or not by law the parents can press charges for statgatory rape. You can condone it, but I sure wouldn't. At 13 he needs to be hanging out with friends/girls his own age. If shes 18 she should know better, and obviously doesn't care and just wanted a little fun time with your son.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

Well, I haven't dealt with a situation like that but if my 13 y/o son were having sex I wouldn't be so laid-back about it! I also would be talking to the girl's parents and the police.

 

EXACTLY!! Even if your son is an 'older' 13 year old, he is STILL only a child! 12 and 13 year old's like to think that they can handle life and be mature at times...No way!

 

She took advantage of him, maybe she didn't need to push him much, but she knew better. A girl at her age to want to sleep with a 13 year old boy is messed up. WHAT if that had been a girl at 13 and the guy was 18.... Bet you lots and lots of $$$ the Police would've been called right away.

 

Talk to her parents. They need to know what their daughter has done. And you have to tell your son to stay away from her. Let's hope she was on the pill and they used condoms. Something tells me this girl has been around the block afew times!

[RecordProducer]

His first disappointment in love. Sad but still cute. I don't think he regrets sleeping with her so suing this girl would not be okay, IMHO. I mean, so many guys would be thrilled to have the opportunity to have sex at age 13. He is in love but he will get over. If you want to do him a favor console him and advice him about women in general. Don't make this even harder for him by paying attention to legal aspects. Next time he will hide things from you. Children have to believe that you are always on their side and do things in their favor - even when you are not.

[JadeStar]

"His first disappoitnment inlove, sad but still cute?" WTF, thats not love RP. Yeah he might think it is but thats more lust then anything. I mean good grief hes 13 years old, got the raging hormones going on. If he was dating a girl his own age 12 or 13 and had been seeing each other for awhile then broke up, THEN I could see why you would say "his first disappointment inlove. This girl is 18 and I believe is using him to get her jollies off. I mean she needs to be with someon her own age and so does he. And yes pressing charges for statgatory rape would be in order. People can sit down with their kids and talk with them about sex etc, and also clue them in on what underage sex means. I don't think that if she pressed charges against this girl its going to make him lie about things in the future. If anything it will help him learn to stay away from people like that. If anything he may even be thankful his mother told him about people like that.

 

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

As I said, I think that if the daughter was 13 years old and the guy was 18, everybody would agree that it was rape.

 

Sure, to him, he was experiencing SEX for the first time, with a crush, a hottie, the 18 year old who noticed him, paid attention to him. She took something away from him.

 

Ha, was she the babysitter too? Sorry...Couldnt' resist that one...

[beachchick2]

i think there might be soemthing wrong with her cause what 18 year old girl wants to have sex with a 13 year old??? not many that i know at all! she probably believes she can just use him and get away with it.

[whichwayisup]

they have done for many years now and he heartbroken and devastated.

 

I missed this line. For MANY years now? Ok, do you not see something wrong here? I don't mean to sound harsh to you, but at 12 and 13 and her 17 and 18 during those times - Spending alot of time hanging out? Red flag! Or is it just me...

 

The good thing is, he told you about it. I assume he did and that is how you found out? Atleast he can talk to you. Encourage him to see girls his own age. And take a break from sex. Problem is, possibly the fact he's sex before (god knows if it was just the one time) he may expect that from other girls, who are younger and closer to his age. Just keep your eyes and ears open.

[933KJL]

I sort of take RPs position on this. THere are a lot of variables and I agree that it was wrong and that a conversation needs to be had with the parents of this girl and it needs to stop. But, it seems like they have been friends for a long time--long time neighbors. Maybe she was turned on by seeing the little twerp grow up into a cute guy? Who knows. But it happened and this is a memory that he will live with forver--like St. Pauli Girl Beer--you never forget your first.

 

It sould be sad to have his first remembered by a jail term and the legal positionings of parents. I lost mine at 13 too and it was with a younger girl of 12. We both felt ready and we ended up dating for another 5 or 6 years, but if given the chance with an 18 yr old, I too probably would have gone for it--especially if it was a person that I was close with.

 

I thing the girl here has remorse and like someone else said is probably not interested in dating a 13 yr old--at least not now but maybe when she is 27 he might be ideal. Talk to his parents, make sure that EVERYONE knows you disapprove and expect it to never happen again or you will consider reporting it. Be there for your son--he probably does not want to talk but wants to know that if he did you would listen. Do not forbid the friendship, but keep an eye on it and maybe institute some rules of the road with her--not allowed in a bedroom, open doors are mandatory, not there when you are not, etc.

 

Have him tested for diseases and she should be as well along with pregancy, and have a frank sex talk with him--do not rely on the school

[slubberdegullion]

Depending on where you live, you could probably make a case for statutory rape.

 

The typical double standard is extremely troubling here. WWIU put it best; if it were an 18 year old boy and a 13 year old girl, there would be a legitimate uproar.

[LBinTenn]

I really appreciate all the response from everyone. By the way, I am not the mother but the songle father. I have dealt with boot camp recruits most of my adult years in the US Coast Guard and thought I would be ready for anything but never expected this from one of my babies, ummm umm, young men I suppose. I know I had sex for the 1st time at the age of 14 and knew better to ask my mom or dad anything less be on the receiving end of the belt and I had so many questions and many of them were not answered until I was actually overseas. I also realize al parents make mistakes and that is why I posted the question, so hopefully I may be better informed through gathering ideas instead of jumping the gun. Thanks again for all of your responses and keep them coming.

[lindya]

I'm sure you're very concerned about the effect this has had on your son. In all honesty, I think there are 13 year olds (male and female) who will experiment sexually and bounce back from the experience without much harm done. That certainly isn't the case for all young teenagers, however.

 

My feeling is that you should keep a close eye on your son over the next few weeks and ask his teachers to do the same. Keep making it as easy as possible for you to talk about the incident (without pressing him too much, obviously), so that he can discuss it with you as much as he needs to. In the event that he doesn't seem to be pulling out of his present state of unhappiness, he might need the opportunity to speak to a counsellor.

 

He should be made well aware that absolute confidentiality can't be guaranteed. Any counsellor he speaks to wilh have an obligation to pass a child's disclosure of sexual abuse onto the police or the social work dept - who will then want to interview him (and you) about it.

 

Obviously nobody can force him to disclose this girl's identity...but if he does, then the legal process is very likely to come into play. Of course, the difficulty is that you are already aware of her identity - so you could be placed in a difficult situation if the police do get involved.

 

Look into the availability of child abuse helplines too. Talking to a telephone counsellor (without disclosing his identity, to prevent a referral being made to the police) might be very helpful for your son. There would be nothing to stop you calling such a helpline either, just for some further advice on this. It can't be easy dealing with a situation like this on your own.

[slubberdegullion]

As usual, lindya probably made the best suggestions. She's so smart it's kinda scary..!

[Craig]

From http://www.alwaysyourchoice.org/ayc/articles/incest_overt.php

 

"the erroneous assumption (is) that boys don't mind being seduced by an older female - they're males after all and they are supposed to "like" sex. But the balance of power, trust and choice is compromised nonetheless, and, unacknowledged, can lead to a dysfunction and inability to form stable intimate relations in the boys later adult life."

 

Even though it's an incest page it has some info that you might find valuable.

 

You've had your son checked for STD's right?

[lindya]

As usual, lindya probably made the best suggestions. She's so smart it's kinda scary..!

 

Don't know about that...look at all the typos I made

[Gold Pile]

In my day, we called sex with an "older" female, as getting lucky to the max.

 

He is 13 and wants to shagg all attractive ladies upto say age 30.

 

Why be politically correct and convince him he is a victim, instead of lucky.

You'll mess him up for life.

 

Not sure what kind of person this girl is. If she has any redeeming qualities, think twice before destroying her life.

[PuppyDogEyes]

A lot of 13 year olds are sexually curious at the least, if not outright active. I certainly was (however, I was lucky and did not grow up in a repressive home, I felt free to discuss all aspects of sexuality with my parents).

 

This is a really difficult situation, because while I can see how it could have happened (and I could even see the 13 year old boy being the instigator - not all 13 year olds are shy, ladies and gentlemen - again, I certainly wasn't!), it is still illegal. The female was 18 years old - that is adult status, and while it may have been "consensual" by verbal deed, by legal deed it means serious jail time - no doubt about it. A 13 year old cannot legally consent to any sexual act in any state that I know of (unless someone wants to bring me up to date on age-of-consent laws - but as far as I'm aware, the previous statement is true), and especially not with an 18 year old adult.

 

My advice? I'd hold off on calling the police/making accusations/etc. - *for now*. Could very well be that the 13 year old was the instigating party, so to speak. It still doesn't excuse the girl's behavior, of course, and by all means the two of them should be kept away from one another from now on - but there might be more to this situation than previously thought.

 

Just my two cents, 'course.

 

-pde.

[Sheba]

but in Canada, guess who pays child support if an underage boy gets a girl pregnant? Not the minor, of course, but his parents! Those of you who find this story cute or like some sort of wet dream might want to think about your wallets for a moment if you are also parents.

 

I think 13 year olds are too young for sex, but if they must I hope it is with another 13 year old. I don't much care who is the older party. I care even less whether it was the older or the younger person that instigated it. If my 13 year old daughter "comes on to" an 18 year old man, I sure hope no one would even mention the fact that she "started it".

 

If this were my son, I would start the conversation with an explanation that he was USED by an adult, that we call that pedophilia and people go to jail for it. I would tell him that any adult that chooses a child for a sex partner has serious problems and is incapable of forming an appropriate relationship with someone her own age and that is why she USED him. I would explain he had done nothing wrong, but she had, and that is why she must suffer the consequences. In short, I would say the same thing to my son that I would to my daughter!

 

I recently read that a large number of male victims of child abuse are abused by women. I think those women are just like any male pedophile, who choose the helpless and curious and easily led, because they can't deal with or have a normal relationship. Remember, that 18 year old girl may still be attracted to 13 year old boys when she is 58, and I bet that idea doesn't quite bring to mind the "hot for teacher" fantasies some of you are indulging in in answer to this thread.

 

Oh, and I would call the police.

[JayKay]

Didn't Mary Kay Leternou (sp?) just spend years in prison for having sex with a 13-year old (at the time?)

 

I think it really interesting that when an underage boy has sex with an older woman he gets the equivalent of a clap on the back. "Awwww....that's my boy! How cute!"

 

Yet if a 13-year-old girls has sex with an adult male, he's thrown in jail for pedophilia.

 

Get real folks.

 

This is a kid who really has no clue what sexual behavior is all about.....other than getting his rocks off.

Perhaps I assume too much but....

 

Do you really think these two had a heart-to-heart talk about condoms, protection, the AIDS virus, pregnancy, etc?

 

It's certainly not about love and I highly doubt either of them are equipped to deal with this in a mature manner.

 

As a parent, I think it's up to the OP to take this matter in hand.

 

No, he doesn't need to be treated as a 'victim' but I think you need to have the long, hard 'Sex Talk' with him.

[MISUNDERSTOOD_PIG]

I learned a few days ago my 13 year old son had sex an 18yr old girl from next door. I have not asked the details just informed him and her that I was aware of what was going on and asked them to be very careful as well as informing her that if she was to become pregnant from lack of protection she could possibly face statutory rape charges in our state. Ok, the meat of the topic. The girl now seems uninterested and has been staying out late with friends recently instead of coming home and hanging out with my son as they have done for many years now and he heartbroken and devastated. I have spoken with him on my experience as well as what I know about women and the strains of growing up but would really appreciate some input from anyone who has had to deal with a similar situation. Thanks in advance for your comments.

 

 

well, maybe you should talk to your son about sustaining from sex until he is married that way he doesn't have to deal with that women getting pregnant or having to pay child support all of his life. I know from experience it’s the best for both parties and if he goes’s off when he's older and has sex with woman out side of marriage then he isn't going to respect women or himself

also the strains of having a sexual transmitted dieses if you love him you'll do what’s best for him, he'll only hurt the girls he has sex with because 9 times out of ten the male will leave the girl he has sex with and move on to the next girl. A lot of the time girls will have sex with a guy because they feel threatened that the guy will leave or not love them if they don't have sex. and if he becomes like a lot of guys I know that run around girls all day trying to find someone to have sex with he won't be respected by any girl and you being the mother I would believe you would want to have a daughter in law that would be respectful to your son and to your whole family and who would be respectful to her self. I have a sister who has 2 kids and had the first out of wed lock she was so lost and ended up marring later in life to a man that is emotionally abusive and all they do is argue and cause each other problems and the little kids live in terror and pain all the time and im sure you want grandkids someday and would you like to see them being hurt all the time because of a silly mistake. also I have a grandma who had sex before marriage the man left her until my grandpa came around he gave her everything he was rich he gave her 6 awesome kids and the best place to live ever she didn't have to work nothing. She destroyed it all she messed up the kids had a nerves break down and has nothing to stand for, her kids and grandkids all have problems with her, she hates herself and everyone around her. And she cheated on my grandpa with 6 different men and each one died after sleeping with her from natural causes the only one who didn't die was my grandpa. I would tell your son of all the risks of having sex out of wed lock and tell him how a girl feels after having sex and how her emotions change and tell him how much you love him and that you want a good life for him and not have to live a horrible life regretting the things he has done in the years he's lived. Not to worry about girls right now and worry about his grades and get him self a good job and do good things with his life. For a house divided cannot stand. if you love someone you'll do what’s best for them if possible the choices we make right now are going to tell us what our future is going to turn out, I bet you have an amazing son and I pray to God that things turn out well for him. tell him that someday he'll have a good women in his life that will love him and support him, he should be looking at girls character and what’s on the inside how they treat other people and how they treat their family members and how they dress and through what they dress like what are they trying to tell other people. And that he should be working on his characteristics and what he wants to be and how he wants to treat people. For beauty fades but what’s in the heart and spirit last for ever.

So the person you marry your going to be stuck with for ever. It might help to listen to Joyce Meyer on the TV. or if you have a computer go to http://www.Joycemeyer.org she's an amazing women and has tons of information on this kinds of stuff and more things you'll be dealing with for the rest of your life. I hope I answered your questions. God Bless. Smile God loves you and everyone else. Always! Please think about it!

since your son has had sex before, it might be helpful to tell him all these things but also tell him that he doesn’t have to keep having sex with women. he has choices to make in his life right now and where he ends up in life is because of the choices he’s made, you can’t blame people for the wrong things that happen to you in this life, yes they be part of the reason you have the problems you have but its our choice to what we do with these problems we face. I was sexually abused when I was growing up by more then one person and I know quite a few people that have also been sexually abuse as a matter of fact my aunt was abused by her uncle and she kind of took the attitude that it was ok for her to have sex then because it was her uncles fault that she felt the way she did and that the problems she then caused her self and her new son was because of her uncle. That isn’t so. Yes her uncle abused her, and yes it was hard to cope with for a while but it wasn’t his fault she decided to go out and have sex with any body she felt like. same with me it would do me no good to go around and blame the problems I faced on to someone else yes, I was sexually abused and yes I felt horrible and yes it took along time to get through it but I did though the saving grace from my father in heaven but I got through it and I’ve been able to help others that are going through those predicaments. It might be helpful to tell your son you’ll always be there for him and no matter what you help him through because you love him and don’t just say it, show him that, for actions speak louder than words. show him that what you say is true and he’ll listen even if it don’t seem like it. Tell him we all make mistakes and we can be forgiven of our mistakes if we ask for forgiveness but we need to learn from our mistakes and try our best to not do that again. Also by the things you teach your son he will take some of those things with him in life and he’s going to be using them at some point not just in his life but in all the people he comes in contact. For the people we hang around with, are the people we will become like to an extent. for example: years and years, well some of the things they do im going to do to. i hope this was some help to you and your son. hope you have a great day and life. God Bless bye.