TestAnto Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 My girlfriend and her ex boyfriend were together for 4 years. They broke up around 9 months ago due to distance purely and not due to ill feelings. He had to move back to his country which is basically next to hers. We have been together for a bit more than a month. Around 4 months ago they talked again and admitted to each other they still have feelings but that distance was still an issue. So they stopped talking again. Since her birthday they have been talking everyday, with few days break (birthday was 1 month ago so you can imagine). His nickname on messenger is the same old one which is his name and her surname, basically making it look like they are 'married', she hasn't changed it. She laughs many of his texts, he has been calling her "my" lately etc. She also complimented his haircut saying "AWWW ITS NICE". She also often initiates conversations, changing topics etc. She was on holidays in his country few days ago with her girl friends (they didn't meet tho since he is very busy) and among the lines she jokingly said "I hate your language, I am never gonna live in [insert his country's name here]". Like, why would she even say that and why would she ever want to live in his country in the first place? I am not sure if I should just end it now however I need opinions if possible. I know all those because one friend of her has been sending me screenshots of her chat with my gf. Could that just be platonic and a friendly thing? Like, just a regular chat? Or am I blind? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 If they broke up because of distance, not because of losing feelings for one another, and if they are in regular contact then it's more than a red flag. For me it would be a full on Stop sign. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TestAnto Posted July 14, 2019 Author Share Posted July 14, 2019 If they broke up because of distance, not because of losing feelings for one another, and if they are in regular contact then it's more than a red flag. For me it would be a full on Stop sign. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. Does talking every other day for 30 days straight (since her birthday) still considered 'regular contact'? That's like 20 out of 30 days talking (and the reason why they didn't talk the rest was mostly because she was busy with studies since she is a med student and/or maybe he was busy etc) And yes, they only broke up due to distance. No ill feelings. Honestly what I want to hear is the truth. Better to end it now than later (in case it's worth ending it). Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 At this point, she doesn't respect your relationship with her (nor does he) if she's in regular contact with him. There maybe distance between them, but there's history and a bond that wasn't broken. Mentioning still being friends with an ex (to me at least) can be cause for concern, but speaking to them nearly every day is so much worse. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's true. It's best to just cut your losses and end it now if you no longer feel it's worth pursuing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 You don't seem to want to end it although you make a good bullet point list of reasons why you should. From what you said, I think the decision to end it is out of your hands. You can wait around but the scene in the script where she pushes you away and gets cold and distant sounds like it's in the next act. If you want her, you have to make a stand right now. If you see no future with her then keep her around and have fun until she pulls the plug. Use that time to moderate your emotions for her. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 If she is still emotionally invested in him, she is not giving you her whole heart. You are just filling the physical void. On some level, you must feel that something is missing, if not now, you will soon. Tell her that you cannot continue seeing her knowing that she isn't over him and aren't going to stand by and set yourself up for heart break. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 If she is still emotionally invested in him, she is not giving you her whole heart. You are just filling the physical void. Agree with this, you're like the substitute teacher, holding down the spot until the real thing returns. And everyone remembers how much respect that guy got, right? How do you know about these conversations? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 You are not her boyfriend. You are her orbiter. Her "ex" is not really her ex. He is still her boyfriend. They are temporarily in a long distance relationship. You are just keeping her bed warm. And frankly, I can not see for the life of me how he can be putting up with you. Or is it maybe that you are just her "dirty little secret"? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TestAnto Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) Answering to the person who asked me how I know all these. As I said, my girlfriend has been sending screenshots to a matual friend of mine and her. And she told me about all these and sent me the screenshots too. She did just so I can "be ready" in case something bad happens but she refuses to give an opinion on the matter. You are not her boyfriend. You are her orbiter. Her "ex" is not really her ex. He is still her boyfriend. They are temporarily in a long distance relationship. You are just keeping her bed warm. And frankly, I can not see for the life of me how he can be putting up with you. Or is it maybe that you are just her "dirty little secret"? Although I don't disagree that it's shady as hell, aren't you exaggerating a bit by saying "they are still together"? They ended their relationship in August 2018, didn't talk until March 2019. They admitted they have feelings for each other back then but she told him distance is still an issue and doesn't want a relationship because of that. Also told him how if he was with her they would never ever break up. That was in March 2019. Then he messaged her on her birthday, a month ago, and she responded with "I thought you forgot about it". He also among the lines said how he misses talking to her and all that. Since then they have been talking regularly and it's basically what I said in the initial post. He is currently not really close to her and I am not sure if distance is gonna shorten anytime soon. Perhaps she is okay with a long distance relationship now? I can't really know, but if he is still far away why should I care that much? And for the record, he probably doesn't know about me. He never asked her too, whether she has a boyfriend or not. Currently she is still on vacations with her sister, once she is back I will probably end it, and I really realy hope I am not going to regret it and end up saying I made a mistake after a while. I am not trying to be rude or anything and I truly appreciate everyone's comment. I just want to be sure ending it with her is surely the right thing to do. Edited July 15, 2019 by TestAnto Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 I wouldn’t tolerate it Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 I am not trying to be rude or anything and I truly appreciate everyone's comment. I just want to be sure ending it with her is surely the right thing to do. So what will you do to prove it was the right move? You can't do a double blind study and you can't peer into the future on multiple timelines created by different decisions. You can only do what everyone does: evaluate the facts as you know them and make the best decision you can at that moment in your life. No one here is trying to destroy your relationship. I only want you to protect yourself from what, in your own posting, you have told me is going on. An emotional affair, which is what your girl friend is having, can be much more damaging to your relationship then if she was actually physical with her Ex. She can fantasize all she wants without having to put up with any of his negative personality traits. If you love the girl try to break the spell. Just know when to quit and save yourself. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Could that just be platonic and a friendly thing? Like, just a regular chat? Or am I blind? You are blind. This is not a platonic friendly thing. They were together for 4 years but did not break up by choice. You have been with her for about 1 month & during the majority of the time she has been talking to him about how much they love each other. The ONLY reason she is giving you the time of day is because you are there & he is not. Let her go be with him. You will save yourself tons of heartache. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crazycanuck86 Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Sorry Bro, but long distance or not their still in a relationship...you're just their for her physical needs.. End it and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 I don't think I would want to be in the OPs shoes when/if this guy comes home for a visit and finds out she's been "cheating" on him . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author TestAnto Posted July 16, 2019 Author Share Posted July 16, 2019 (edited) Thank you everyone for spending some time to help me out. I appreciate everyone's comment. It looks like I have to end it. Once she is back from vacations I will do. It sucks but it is what it is. Cheers. Edited July 16, 2019 by TestAnto 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 I think she'll go back to him if she ever feels he's in a place she wants to be anyway. And I just wouldn't feel right knowing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TestAnto Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 I have already taken my decision to end it once she is back from the vacations. But thanks for sharing your opinion too. I hope ending it is the right choice. Link to post Share on other sites
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