Am I being unreasonable

[Joanne36]

Me and my partner have 2 children together one who is 14 and the other 2 in October the problem is he's always busy doing stuff if he's not in the garden he's doing something else he's out there till it's just about dark he hardly even sits down at all and when it's bed time I don't see him as he's stays up late that's when he finally sits down I feel as though he's doing it deliberately sometimes and in the morning he doesn't get up till late which I think is really unfair as I don't get a lie in I've spoke to him about that issue and he says I've to get him up which I refuse he's an adult not a child I'm not saying he can't do stuff but to try make an effort with us aswell or what's the point I feel like we are drifting apart

[PegNosePete]

Have you talked to him about it?

 

I don't mean "you need to get up earlier" "get me up then", I mean really talked about how you feel and how you believe it is affecting your relationship?

[Maddie82]

You need to sit him down and talk to him properly about this.

[Curiousroxy86]

op its not that your unreasonable its just that you cant make him do what you want him to do. he has to want to do what you want him to do on his own. just like he cant make you do what he wanted you to do hence you saying you refuse to wake him up.

 

so know that right now he doesnt want to spend quality time. its not that important to him. it is reasonable to feel like this is not okay. so you already spoke up and his compromise is that you wake him up. I can understand you not wanting to do that because you want him to want to spend time with you. which unfortunately this part is not up to you.

 

op all you can do at this point is one of three things. you could

 

a) have one more talk. say something like "babe I enjoy spending time with you. I want to be with a partner who feels the same way. would you be willing to make time for me babe"? if he seems willing then actually come up with a plan you both can agree to to make that happen. if he doesnt seem willing then see option b and c.

 

b) accept things as they are. when someone isnt willing to do what you want to do know that you cant make him do what you want to do. so all you can do is find ways to cope with the status quo or.....

 

c) let him go. when someone isnt willing to do what you want to do and you cant accept things as they are well again you can make him do what you want but it also means you dont have to tolerate it. you can just leave.

 

Thats all you can do Op. If it were me I would do one last talk like I mentioned in A and if he shows that he is not willing to spend quality time on his own sadly I would do C. I would not accept that bull.....

[PRW]

This is a guy under heavy stress. Guys don't have the maternal instinct that you do and a 2 year old in the house can generate a massive amount of stress for a guy. They don't call it the "Terrible 2's" for no reason. I'm not saying it is all from the 2 year old, but it represents mental "noise" that adds to whatever inner turmoil he is feeling. His behavor sounds like a guy who is very depressed and feeling avoidant. The avoidance is the defense to try to keep from making the depression worse. Men do NOT solve their emotional difficulties by talking about them and trying to force him to do so will make it spiral into a worse state. Men deal with these things by being alone with their thoughts in their own space away from distractions, like the garden, and yes, even the sleeping in because when a guy first wakes up he is running all of the days problems in his mind and then finally gets up when he feels he has at least an idea of what he is going to do. During the alone-time they hammer through all of it in their minds,...analyzing option A, analyzing option B, then option C. Hopefully when they hit the end of the alphabet they have worked it all out in their minds and now have their thoughts in order,...and now they can move forward. So don't short circuit his process,...if you do you may derail the whole thing.

 

What the guy needs is a free quiet space to think,...and to feel the support from you to allow him to do that,...without nagging. Let him spend all the time in the garden that he wants to. That is his escape and solitude and he needs that. Little brief comment once in a while about how you appreciate the work he does in the garden will go a long way (I'm assuming it produces food?). A little nudge in the morning (without nagging or berating or belittling) to encourage him to get up isn't going to kill you,...and it may gently break him out of the mental circles his mind is probably spinning in as he is building the courage to face the day.

[PRW]

You need to sit him down and talk to him properly about this.

No. Worst thing you could possible do. This is the way it works for women,...not men. In man-speak this translates in to "Trap him and beat it out of him".

[stillafool]

Sounds like he's lost interest and is purposely staying away from you. Yeah, this is a problem but at least he isn't lazy.

[Curiousroxy86]

No. Worst thing you could possible do. This is the way it works for women,...not men. In man-speak this translates in to "Trap him and beat it out of him".

 

prw I get men need alone time from time to time but if this is a consistent thing he is doing then this isnt fair to her. if he is in the garden all day and stay up all night and sleeping in leaving her alone with the kids all the time then I dont think she should accept that. and matter of fact she is not even tripping on the him needing alone time. she doesnt care if he wants to man cave the garden. her complaint is that he is not making ANY time for her and the kids. to me thats not okay. he can spend a few hours alone everyday if he wants (as long as she gets the same) but all day? um no.

Edited July 9, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[PRW]

op its not that your unreasonable its just that you cant make him do what you want him to do. he has to want to do what you want him to do on his own. just like he cant make you do what he wanted you to do hence you saying you refuse to wake him up.

 

Yes.

 

so know that right now he doesnt want to spend quality time. its not that important to him.

No. He is looking for the quality time,...when it is time. It is not time yet because he has too much "noise" in his way keeping him from getting there, so he is trying to shut out the noise so he can think. Men's minds don't function like women.

 

it is reasonable to feel like this is not okay.

Him feeling like this is expected when it is understood.

 

This isn't a "cut & run" thing. I spend a lot of time in the forums trying to explain to guys on here how to understand women better than they do, but unfortunately I don't spend enough time doing the reverse. Being a guy that is probably something I could do pretty well and probably should do more. The rest of my reasoning I put in another post in the thread.

[PRW]

prw I get men need alone time from time to time but if this is a consistent thing he is doing then this isnt fair to her. if he is in the garden all day and stay up all night and sleeping in leaving her alone with the kids all the time then I dont think she should accept that. and matter of fact she is not even tripping on the him needing alone time. she doesnt care if he wants to man cave the garden. her complaint is that he is not making ANY time for her and the kids. to me thats not okay. he can spend a few hours alone everyday if he wants (as long as she gets the same) but all day? um no.

 

 

You're trying to cook something that takes two hours to cook and complaining that it isn't done in a hour and recommend throwing it out.

[PRW]

To the OP...

 

 

Print out my post and give it to your husband and see if he doesn't tell you that I must be reading his mind.

 

 

...Unless you think he would be mad that you posted this question about him in these forums,...in that case then don't do it.

[littleblackheart]

A 2yo can generate a huge amount of stress to even the most patient parent, mothers included...

 

This guy is a partner and a father of 2. It's not his partner's job to hold the fort and bear the brunt of the stress while he's sorting his **** out in silence - that's not a partnership.

 

He too can / should come to her and explain why he's stressed (if that's the case).

 

OP, all you can do is tell him you feel like you are drifting apart and see what he says.

Edited July 9, 2019 by littleblackheart

[PRW]

A 2yo can generate a huge amount of stress to even the most patient parent, mothers included...

But far worse for men.

 

This guy is a partner and a father of 2. It's not his partner's job to hold the fort and bear the brunt of the stress while he's sorting his **** out in silence - that's not a partbership.

Exaggeration. There is no war and there is no fort. If women want to be listened to, heard, and understood by men, then they need to grant the same courtesy and allow him what he needs which by nature is the opposite of theirs.

 

He too can / should come to her and explain why he's stressed (if that's the case).

But not on YOUR time frame, with YOUR deadline.

 

OP, all you can do is tell him you feel like you are drifting apart and see what he says.

 

 

Doom, gloom, death, destruction, and scorched earth,... is too often the advice around here. It is always, dump 'em, walk away, run, end it,....it is never figure out the problem, understand the problem,...solve the problem.

[Curiousroxy86]

You're trying to cook something that takes two hours to cook and complaining that it isn't done in a hour and recommend throwing it out.

 

I will admit that how they got to this point there may be more to it and more than likely could have been preventative measures before the kids and after the kids

 

But nevertheless I don’t think women should stay in a situation where they are the only ones who give a damn about their relationship, their kids, and their household. We don’t get to check out and it’s not okay to accept a man who does imo. But that’s my just my view. I’m sure there are plenty enough people who believe in that leave him alone mentality for the kids/household just to keep his warm body in the house eventhough his heart is far far away which Is why I mentioned that she could just accept things as they are...I just wouldn’t recommend any woman to tolerate that.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

 

 

Doom, gloom, death, destruction, and scorched earth,... is too often the advice around here. It is always, dump 'em, walk away, run, end it,....it is never figure out the problem, understand the problem,...solve the problem.

 

Depends on how long it’s gone on....if he been getting space hence him being in the garden all day, going to sleep late....then I am going to say something sweetly and hear him out....if he is on that bull? Byeeeeeeeee

[littleblackheart]

She too has hurt feelings, a timeline and her time. She should feel safe in speaking to her partner / father of her children when she needs to.

 

I really can't see how her expressing her concerns to her partner spells doom and gloom and destruction, as though he needs to be molly-coddled.

 

It's a 2-way system.

[Els]

OP, is this something you've talked about before having children? Didn't he realize that being a parent means that you DON'T get to do exactly the same things you've done when you're childfree?

 

I don't know what you can do now except ask that he attend MC with you to try and sort this out.

 

Exaggeration. There is no war and there is no fort. If women want to be listened to, heard, and understood by men, then they need to grant the same courtesy and allow him what he needs which by nature is the opposite of theirs.

 

Nonsense. Plenty of women need time to themselves and time for their hobbies as well, but are simply unable to once they decide to have children, because the needs of the child supersede their own. What if the OP needs "time to herself to chill out" as well? Can she just abandon the kids, sleep whenever she wants, spend all day in the garden?

 

 

If he needs all that time to himself, that's all well and good. He should have thought about it BEFORE fathering two children, not after. He's made his bed, he needs to take responsibility and lie in it.

[PRW]

Depends on how long it’s gone on....if he been getting space hence him being in the garden all day, going to sleep late....then I am going to say something sweetly and hear him out....if he is on that bull? Byeeeeeeeee

So the solution is for a woman to throw away her family and take a 14yo and a 2yo and go live off the welfare state in a 2 bedroom apartment? The kids grow up without a father? The 14yo gets some new friends with blue and purple hair, metal rings hanging out of various body parts while smoking crack in a beat up car in a dark parking lot with 3 others that look the same way. Back home the 2yo gets abused by whoever the latest "boyfriend" is. Why? Because the dad sleeps a little late, doesn't talk a lot, and might spend a little too much time in the garden.

 

Ok, that might be a little dramatic,...but there is a bigger perspective here to think about. This isn't a couple college kids having a rough patch in a cheap dating relationship.

Edited July 9, 2019 by PRW

[Els]

So the solution is for a woman to throw away her family and take a 14yo and a 2yo and go live off the welfare state in a 2 bedroom apartment? The kids grow up without a father?

 

From the sounds of things, the kids are already growing up without a father. Ideally of course, OP and her H would be able to work things out and get him to actually be a father - let's hope she succeeds.

 

Not sure what the whole "welfare state" rant was about, the father would be required to pay child support if he doesn't have custody, the state is never relied on except as a last-ditch measure.

 

 

Why? Because the dad sleeps a little late, doesn't talk a lot, and might spend a little too much time in the garden.

Did you bother to read the OP's post at all, or are you just interested in projecting your own stories?

 

the problem is he's always busy doing stuff if he's not in the garden he's doing something else he's out there till it's just about dark he hardly even sits down at all and when it's bed time I don't see him

[PRW]

If he needs all that time to himself, that's all well and good. He should have thought about it BEFORE fathering two children, not after. He's made his bed, he needs to take responsibility and lie in it.

 

Maybe he made the bed,...and he's still laying in it,...isn't that part of what she is complaining about?

 

Yea every good guy having sex with his wife stops and thinks, "Wow! I have to never get sick, never get depressed, be the model husband, have the perfect life, perfect marriage, and never ever have anything go wrong,...ever,...before I get her pregnant. (Wife is laying there saying,.."Would you shut up and put it in already!!??)

Edited July 9, 2019 by PRW

[Els]

Yea every good guy having sex with his wife stops and thinks, "Wow! I have to never get sick, never get depressed, be the model husband, have the perfect life, perfect marriage, and never ever have anything go wrong,...ever,...before I get her pregnant.

 

 

Are you living in the 1800s or something? There is this thing called contraception nowadays, and medical intervention should contraception fail. Being a parent in this day and age is always a choice.

 

Stop excusing a grown man's lack of responsibility towards his choices. If a woman had sex, got pregnant, and then didn't bother to take care of her children, would you be saying the same thing about her? I mean, obviously she wasn't thinking about this when she had sex with him, surely that means it's okay for her to spend all day every weekend out with her girlfriends and not see her kids at all?

Edited July 9, 2019 by Elswyth

[Curiousroxy86]

So the solution is for a woman to throw away her family and take a 14yo and a 2yo and go live off the welfare state in a 2 bedroom apartment? The kids grow up without a father? The 14yo gets some new friends with blue and purple hair, metal rings hanging out of various body parts while smoking crack in a beat up car in a dark parking lot with 3 others that look the same way. Back home the 2yo gets abused by whoever the latest "boyfriend" is. Why? Because the dad sleeps a little late, doesn't talk a lot, and might spend a little too much time in the garden.

 

Ok, that might be a little dramatic,...but there is a bigger perspective here to think about. This isn't a couple college kids having a rough patch in a cheap dating relationship.

 

trust me its not cut and dry situation nor is my solution cut and dry. hence why I made it clear to the op that all she can do is either accept as is or leave when she is dealing with a partner who is not willing to give her what she needs in a relationship. and I do find it unfortunate that she decided to have kids before finding out that she has a guy like this on her hands. or even if he wasnt this way at the beginning the fact he became this way is disheartening to experience.

 

and I rather they dont break up. I rather this guy be present in the relationship with her but again she can not make this man do the optimal thing which is be a good father AND a good partner to her. so either though both situations really suck (being with a boyfrined/husband yet feeling like a single parent or being an actual single parent) she has choices. she doesn't have to stay with a man who isnt being loving/caring and where she is doing all the care for the relationship AND the children by herself. she may have to decide if leaving will be better or worse for her and if she decides to leave she may have to really plan to execute it in a way thats not detrimental to her or her kids. she may have to depend on loved ones. but I dont recommend she stay if this guy remains the way he is being right now....thats not fair to her or those kids.

 

if it were me I wouldnt stay. it wouldnt be easy. but I wouldnt stay

[PRW]

The OP has never responded.

We are just talking to ourselves.

She clicked "like" on one of my posts, but I don't know if we'll hear anything.

Edited July 9, 2019 by PRW

[LurkerXX]

I can promise you his dick will not fall off due to having a conversation with a woman.

[Mr. Lucky]

A 2yo can generate a huge amount of stress to even the most patient parent, mothers included...

 

But far worse for men.

 

Huh? Most women are responsible for the care of small children many hours each and every day.

 

Most men get the luxury of picking their spots when and where they interact with the kids.

 

Hard to see how it could possibly be more stressful or "far worse" for men...

 

Mr. Lucky