Husband of Close Friend

[LivingWaterPlease]

My close friend and I were in each other's first weddings. She's been married multiple times, I'm single.

 

I value her friendship very much!

 

I blocked her husband's phone number a few months ago because he has a history of pushing boundaries with me and he texted me without including her on the text after the last time they visited me telling me how good it was to visit with me.

 

I wonder if there's a way he can tell he's blocked? I don't want to offend my friend by blocking her husband but I don't want him to have access to me without her being part of it.

 

Since I blocked him it seems to me our relationship (relationship with my friend) may have cooled some, but maybe I'm just paranoid.

 

I've had a conversation with my friend a few years ago about the specifics of keeping boundaries with my married friends' husbands. I did this because she was innocently doing something that it seemed to me enabled him to cross healthy boundaries with me. I asked her not to do it anymore and she was understanding and nice about it. Since then she has respected my request and our good relationship has continued.

 

Now that I have blocked her husband, though, I'm a little concerned there will come a time when he figures it out and mentions it. I'm not sure if it's already happened and also how to handle it with my friend if it does.

[Orokotikki]

Blocking is fine, IMHO so would be texting your friend to ask her to tell her husband not to text you. Depends on the phone/service if they can tell, some block silently others will get a "The text message cannot be delivered message"

 

Have another friend test this - talk with them and tell them your are going to block them and to text you, then unblock them and find out the response.

[amaysngrace]

Some phones just won’t say “delivered” underneath but that could mean your phone is off too.

 

If he’s been inappropriate then you have every right to block him. Did you tell him to knock it off before?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks, Oro. I'll block another friend and have them text me.

 

I wish I could tell my friend to have her husband not text me but if I did wouldn't I have to tell her the reasons why? Or is just texting me to tell me how good the visit he and his wife had with me without including her a violation of boundaries?

 

At this point I'm afraid it would mess up our friendship to list out the things he's done. Some of them appear innocent on the surface but taken all together I don't believe they are. I doubt she realizes the extent of his behavior and the picture it paints.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Some phones just won’t say “delivered” underneath but that could mean your phone is off too.

 

If he’s been inappropriate then you have every right to block him. Did you tell him to knock it off before?

 

Thanks, amaysng.

 

No, I haven't ever told him.

 

When they dated he emailed me and out of respect for their relationship I answered his emails a few times. Then he started emailing me a lot so I just ignored his emails and finally he quit. I figured that would be the end of it.

 

When they broke up while dating he showed up on my doorstep with strawberries. I didn't invite him into my home. I should have told her then what he did but I didn't want to hurt her since they were broken up.

 

Some of the stuff he's done in front of her so she should be the one calling him out. For instance he told me (after they were married) with her sitting right there, the three of us, that the first time they were traveling to meet me she warned him by saying something flattering about me (he said what it was in front of her but I hate to post it here) that he shouldn't meet me, fall for me, and start chasing me. I felt it was a betrayal of her as a person and also of her confidence with him, when he disclosed that but she didn't react and I didn't either. I should have responded, "I can't believe you're telling me that!" but I was too shocked to even think of anything to say.

 

Another time he made an over-the-top compliment of my appearance and work, etc., in front of her which embarrassed me for her.

 

He says and does things in front of her that are inappropriate and embarrassing then tries to contact me behind her back.

 

This is not happening a lot because they're LD from me. But, this last time he texted me it upset me a lot when I saw the text. I don't ever want to have it happen again.

[Orokotikki]

As for reasons "He's bugging me, tell him I said to knock it off." might be, ok or "It weirds me out how he talks in text to me."

 

Maybe just blocking the husband is better way to go.

 

I don't know how to phrase this, but are you more concerned about enforcing your boundaries or rebuffing his lax ones?

 

I guess what I mean is before my wife's A, something like this would have been common. She might sit in the car with me and text my friend and tell them we had a great time visiting (or vice versa), and there was no worry (although really in the past I would always specify "We" not "I" in such a text).

 

But being in R now, something like this could be a real problem. Can't honestly say what would happen, it would depend on context, but could be quite problematic.

[Mrin]

Ok not to get technical here but it does matter if it is iPhone to iPhone as that would use iMessage. Do both of you have iPhones?

[amaysngrace]

Ugh, your poor friend.

 

I’d do what orokotikki says to do and tell her about it just to make her aware of the situation. It’s best that she’s informed now than be broken hearted later and wondering why you never told her how you knew for him to be.

 

Tell her to tell him to knock it off. I think that’s perfect.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

I don't know how to phrase this, but are you more concerned about enforcing your boundaries or rebuffing his lax ones?

 

 

Enforcing my boundaries because since I've already talked with her once. I'm concerned if I talk with her about it again it will impact my friendship with her. She may mention it to him and he may convince her I'm over reacting or reading something into his contact then, of course, she's going to want to believe him.

 

I just got to thinking, "What if she picks up his phone to call or text me sometime?" My main concern is her finding out I have him blocked. Since they're LD and I don't see them often I don't have many worries about dealing with him other than texts.

 

They live in a resort area and she invites me to visit, which I'd love to do otherwise but I'm pretty cautious about spending the night there.

 

In processing this on LS, I've been tossing it around in my mind more and am thinking that if she finds out he's blocked I can just tell her I was getting texts from his number and didn't want to make a big deal out of it so just blocked it? Does that makes sense?

Edited June 21, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease
Punctuation

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like a lie. Blocking him is making a big deal out of it because blocking someone is a big deal. At least to me.

[Gaeta]

If you've been a friend that long surely you can tell her that her husband is annoying over text, that you don't mean disrespect but you're only solution was to block him.

[amaysngrace]

Hopefully your friend won’t want you to elaborate on how was he being annoying.

 

They could just be a flirty married couple too. I know some couples like that but they don’t show up at my door without their wife. That’s what makes it icky.

[d0nnivain]

Unblock him but when he texts you again about anything (other then perhaps he's throwing a surprise b-day party for his wife), reply back & copy her. Eventually he should get the hint to include her on the communication or leave you alone.

 

I wouldn't actually say anything to her because it will upset her. If she sees you making your boundaries to him clear, at least she will know there is one woman she can fully trust even if she has reservations about him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It sounds like a lie. Blocking him is making a big deal out of it because blocking someone is a big deal. At least to me.

 

Thanks. To me, blocking him was less of a deal than talking with her. I already talked to her once and that wasn't easy. It's hard to tell a dear friend her husband continues to go out of boundaries with you. Yes, it's on him but being the bearer of that news could mess up the friendship.

Edited June 21, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

Unblock him but when he texts you again about anything (other then perhaps he's throwing a surprise b-day party for his wife), reply back & copy her. Eventually he should get the hint to include her on the communication or leave you alone.

 

I wouldn't actually say anything to her because it will upset her. If she sees you making your boundaries to him clear, at least she will know there is one woman she can fully trust even if she has reservations about him.

 

Great idea! I'll unblock him and include her on it next time. And about saying something to her, I agree and had a sense it would upset her which is the last thing I want to do. There is no way I want to be special friends with him.

[LivingWaterPlease]

@Gaeta, one would hope but I've already talked with her once about him.

 

If I tell her he's texting me she may not think it's a big deal and may think I'm over reacting, especially if he's telling her he would never make a move on me.

 

But, it's all the things he's done that paint a picture of his annoying me to say the least. One or two of them mean nothing but the list does.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Ok not to get technical here but it does matter if it is iPhone to iPhone as that would use iMessage. Do both of you have iPhones?

 

I don't know if they have iPhones or not.

[d0nnivain]

Great idea! I'll unblock him and include her on it next time.

 

It's what I do most of the time. I have 1 female friend who said not to bother that she was OK with me talking to her guy. Some times my friends' SO's come to me for professional advice. That is all above board & I can't disclose those communications to anybody else, not even spouses but again there are bright lines. On occasion when I have been genuinely worried about some guy messaging me, I reply & copy his SO & my husband. That has always been effective in causing the other guy to back away apologetically.

[elaine567]

If I had a friend that my bf/husband/partner was always complimenting and cooing about, I would be suspicious and I would probably cut her off a bit too...

Not very comfortable having my SO obsessing about another woman, especially one who is supposed to be my friend. No smoke without fire would cross my mind.

 

d0nnivain's suggestion is a good one.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's what I do most of the time.... That has always been effective in causing the other guy to back away apologetically.

 

If I had a friend that my bf/husband/partner was always complimenting and cooing about, I would be suspicious and I would probably cut her off a bit too......

 

d0nnivain's suggestion is a good one.

 

Thank you, d0nnivain and elaine. It's so helpful to have perspective of those not involved.

 

I think part of this may be my problem because it seems to me that my emotional reaction is worse than normal for this situation.

[mark clemson]

It's hard to tell a dear friend her husband continues to go out of boundaries with you. Yes, it's on him but being the bearer of that news could mess up the friendship.

 

 

All true, but this must be balanced against her being less aware that H is "fishing around" and may one day be successful at that (not with you, obviously). When she comes to you to commiserate about her Dday and you explain about the texts it may do even more damage to your friendship, since she will feel (in hindsight) like she should have been informed. He's putting both of you in an unfair situation.

 

Pretty sure you're aware of that and may have a solution in mind, but thought it bears mention.

 

If you're already on top of this aspect, my apologies...

[LivingWaterPlease]

All true, but......

If you're already on top of this aspect, my apologies...

 

Thanks, mark clemson! No, I'm not on top of this so thanks for your post.

 

The more posts I read like yours and the ones before it the more I realize that as uncomfortable as it may be, I do need to unblock him and begin to reply to him and my friend (his wife) both each and every time I get a text.

 

I now see that it's selfish to spare myself the discomfort of reading his texts when I could be uncomfortable yet help my friend out, possibly saving her from great discomfort later by responding and including her in my responses.

 

Thanks for your post. I really appreciate the time everyone is taking to respond to this seemingly petty (in view of some of the threads on LS) issue.

 

Each post has given me insight. I've tried to "like" each one but I forget which ones I've liked so that when I sign in to LS again, I may be unliking the likes I've given on this thread! I hope everyone on this thread is getting their likes from me!

 

I am now going to unblock him.