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People who stay while being aware of possible cheating


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Hey LS.

 

For certain people in this day and time, staying with someone who may be cheating isn’t a dealbreaker.

 

Some reaosns people stay could be financial, good sex, good companionship, kids, etc. I’ve been in situations where I didn’t even have solid proof, only a strong gut instinct that something wasn’t right... and I left the relationship. But for some of us, we stay while being aware of cheating or infidelity. I think it could be partially a reality of “it is what it is” type of situation. Not sure. Perhaps the best way to deal with this whole notion is to have a man on the side like many men... Not sure...

 

For those of you who are very aware of possible infidelity and you choose to stay, please share your story. Is this something to EXPECT amongst people this day and time or what.

 

If we truly want to have a companion in our life for the long haul, is that what people accept in order to still be in these long lasting “relationships “?

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ExpatInItaly

I have never stayed with someone I suspected or knew was cheating, but my dear friend has.

 

She has suspected a few times that her husband has stepped out on her. I think she is right, personally. But, she chooses to stay because for several reasons: she doesn't want to be alone and start over again, she doesn't want to give up a normal-from-the-outside life (house, nice garden, a couple cars, BBQs with the neighbours, and so on), and I think she genuinely doesn't want to confront the reality that her husband actually is attracted to other women and not just her.

 

It's sad, and not the life I would choose, but it's the way things are for her. For now, anyway.

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Yep, thatÂ’s precisely the kind of situation IÂ’m referring to. ItÂ’s so interesting.

 

She may as well have a boyfriend on the side to balance out the situation.

 

To be honest though, being attracted to other people is natural I feel.

 

The problem occurs when you ACT on the urge or the attraction canÂ’t be controlled beyond a glance or thought.

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ExpatInItaly
She may as well have a boyfriend on the side to balance out the situation.

 

Not her style at all. She isn't interested in other men, regardless of what her husband might be up to.

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I’ve thought about this as well.

 

I’m still notice attractive men. I also have thoughts of my ex who was older than me and the most distinguished “looking” man I’ve ever been with. In some ways I could see myself still being with him from time to time.

 

On the flip side some of his character would stop me from dealing with him again. Plus I’m pretty loyal until I have reason to not be. At which point I’ll just leave the relationship I’m in if I feel like I need to cheat. An ongoing affair though... I’m not so sure about.

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Curiousroxy86

I think it comes down to what you are and are not willing to deal with at the particular time.

 

When I was fresh out of high school I always had the mindset that cheating is a deal breaker. No freaking way would I stay. So I canned my college boyfriend for some shady behavior. Technically I couldn't prove he cheated but I was convinced and am unapologetic about it till this day.

 

Well when I was married and found out my ex husband cheated I wanted to make it work and save my marriage though I am against cheating. I didn't want to break up our home but I also wanted his behavior to change. Didn't happen so I had to let him go. I regret having that mindset at the time lol

 

Right now I am back to being against cheating and anything that looks like it :laugh:

 

We say we wont tolerate certain things until it happens...then its a different story. Depends on how we feel at the time.

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I wouldn't stay, because that is a deal breaker and it'd be over for keeps. I feel that you can't maintain a true relationship if there isn't any trust or loyalty. Throw it out the window, I'm finished. People can do whatever they want to do, but I'd never consider cheating. Ever.

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I think it comes down to what you are and are not willing to deal with at the particular time.....

 

I agree with you completely. Makes total sense.

 

However, I sometimes wonder why be against it? Is it a matter of control or what? Some people don’t want their partner to cheat but they themselves cheat because they feel like the partner may leave them at any point anyway.

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I think it comes down to what you are and are not willing to deal with at the particular time.

 

.....

 

 

I had the exact same mind set till my 40s. If anyone cheated on me I'd leave them on the spot.....I had that mind set until it happened to me. When my ex cheated my first reaction was this is a phase and we can work through this. It didn't work out, he was a compulsive cheater and had cheated all of his life on his wives/partners.

 

Now of course I don't want to be cheated on but would it be a deal breaker? I'm not sure. Depends of the circumstances. I would not forgive an affair with feelings involved but a 1 time mistake? I am not sure I'd throw away my relationship. It's not out of fear of losing assets in my relationship I'm the one with financial security, I am also not afraid of being alone, I've separated twice I know life would go on and I'd find someone else.

 

So my answer is I'd have to be facing that situation again to know what my reaction would be.

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Michelle ma Belle

That's a hard no from me.

 

I've left better men for a lot less than cheating who I loved dearly, so staying with someone who can't walk a straight line is a hard limit and a deal breaker.

 

Period.

 

If you want to stick it out with someone who strays, that's fine. More power to you.

 

What I have a hard time with are people who are in these challenging relationships and spend all their time complaining about the issues.

 

If you're staying then you better grow some thick skin and learn to deal with it. No one, especially close friends and family, want to hear the never-ending saga of your issues because of the choices you made to remain with someone who causes you so much grief.

 

Empathy has a shelf life for cases like this.

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Curiousroxy86
Not her style at all. She isn't interested in other men, regardless of what her husband might be up to.

 

when I am in a relationship with someone I literally have zero desire to be with someone else or play around. like I enterted into a relationship to be with one person. if I wanted to be with someone else then I would date or be with someone else. so I can understand that she doesnt choose to cheat even when her husband cheats...but I also cant see myself being with someone who keeps on cheating. so its best imo to just breakup

 

like when I tolerated the fact that my ex husband cheated I tolerated what he did with foolish hopes he wont continue. I cant see myself accepting a man to continually cheat on me. but for some people they rather just deal with their partners cheating then whatever discomforts that come with being without their partner or just be alone I guess.

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What I have a hard time with are people who are in these challenging relationships and spend all their time complaining about the issues.

Totally agree with you about not complaining if you make a decision to stay in such relationships.

 

I’ll never say never, but I don’t understand the point of being “with” someone if you or them is stepping out “with” others.

 

This life is crazy...

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Curiousroxy86
I agree with you completely. Makes total sense.

 

However, I sometimes wonder why be against it? Is it a matter of control or what? Some people don’t want their partner to cheat but they themselves cheat because they feel like the partner may leave them at any point anyway.

 

I think your asking why people cheat...if that wasnt your question please correct me if I am wrong. if it is...

 

I think it goes back to what that particular person wants...

 

that person for whatever reason wants to be with somebody else so they do. and if they still want their partner well they want to be with their partner and that other person. want their cake and eat it too.

 

I want to only be with one guy. that is my desire. so I dont cheat. however unfortunately other people dont have the same desires either at the time you meet them and you didnt do your due diligence to find out what type of person they are or at the time they start to want another because wants and desires can change *shrugs*

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Curiousroxy86

 

 

 

So my answer is I'd have to be facing that situation again to know what my reaction would be.

 

some things are not black and white.

 

if I was married to a guy for decades and loved him dearly and believed he loved me dearly and we built a beautiful life together but cheated and it was a one time and he wanted to make it work? even though I have that cheating is a deal breaker mind set right now even I have to admit that is very hard to walk away from....

 

I do know right now I would never try to make it work with someone who obviously not trying and just keep on cheating I dont care how long we been together on that

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Curiousroxy86

I agree michelle. if you know how he is and your staying then accept him or leave. complaining does nothing for you.

 

maybe their futile complaining is how they cope...

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Michelle ma Belle
I agree michelle. if you know how he is and your staying then accept him or leave. complaining does nothing for you.

 

maybe their futile complaining is how they cope...

 

Perhaps but then they end up exhausting their friends and family. At some point, something has to give.

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Serial cheating is unforgivable. But one time, IMO it can work out if you both want it to. I know that infidelity can make a marriage/relationship better than it ever was because they realize their mistakes, and made changes, ie: better communication.

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Lets define what type of cheating we are talking about:

 

 

 

* Serial physical cheating

* One time physical cheating

* Long time affair with emotional attachment

 

 

I have 2 long term friends that their husband cheated 1 time 30 years ago, they worked through it at the time and their marriage survived and continued growing.

 

 

I have an uncle that spent 3 years in a hospital between life and death, going from coma to consciousness. His wife spoon fed him all this time, sleeping next to his hospital bed each night. There was rumors she may have found comfort in the arms of another man a couple of times, no one in our family is throwing rocks at her.

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I think your asking why people cheat...if that wasnt your question please correct me if I am wrong.

 

Well not quite. I feel like I know why people cheat.

 

I’m just curious to know when does one decide to accept a situation where someone cheats like as a pattern. Or they have suspicions and proof often.

 

I know people who’ve been married for more than 20 years and one of them has a lover.

 

I’ve left men for a mere suspicion or cheating or he was very controlling. I’m not sure if my sanity would be in tact had I not left. Flip side is I’m still single. I have a bf but I’m not married and never been.

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Michelle ma Belle
Lets define what type of cheating we are talking about...

 

Again, to each their own. If a couple can get past an indiscretion and go on to live a happy life, then good on them.

 

If your aunt finds comfort in the arms of another men while she nurses her ailing husband, so be it.

 

Everyone has their reasons for staying or not. Depending on the person, some indiscretions are forgivable and some are not.

 

There are many couples who have these unspoken agreements or understanding regarding infidelity. Again, whatever works for you - it may not be MY choice but c'est la vie.

 

What is often a "problem" is the constant pain that many seem to be in as a result and then bleed on everyone around them about it.

 

I have an enormous capacity for compassion and understanding but it runs dry with people who labor on continuously on things they have the ability to change or control.

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Curiousroxy86

 

I’m just curious to know when does one decide to accept a situation where someone cheats like as a pattern. Or they have suspicions and proof often.

 

 

well when they catch them doing it multiple times or see proof multiple times I imagine its not happening at once...

 

so first time...major shock and promises it wont happen again...and then you have good times maybe great times afterwards...then the lil punk does it again lol...well still hurts and you might be ready to leave but they seem so sincere...and moments of great time again...but he does it again...the shock and hurt each time he does it lessens and you become numb. once you tolerate something a few times you get comfortable with it unfortunately...I think thats what happens.

 

and if there are long periods of great time in between it seems like the trouble of leaving is greater pain in comparison of dealing with the bad moments he cheated. people do this with anything that shouldnt be tolerated btw not just cheating. relationships 80-95% good but the 5-20% is really really really bad. well because its good most of the time they dont want to leave ignoring that small bit that is horrible. so they hold on to whats good....

 

its mind games that we tell ourselves to not deal with something thats perceived as much too painful I think.

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Curiousroxy86

 

 

* Serial physical cheating

* One time physical cheating

* Long time affair with emotional attachment

 

 

 

I say no to all three right now because my self worth is at an all time high :laugh:

 

but definite nos to serial physical cheating and long time affair with emotional attachment they hurt just as much too me I FEEL no difference even though what is occurring is not...

 

one time physical cheating...I say no because it would be hard for me to believe if its one time even if it really was. it would be hard for me to trust. I mean he would have to be really good at being and looking super faithful after he did it that one time. I imagine I could get over it but it will take alot of work that he would have to do that I am not willing to do

 

again that is how I feel now

 

I imagine it would be quite different how I see a one time physical affair if we were married for years and I believed in my heart he loved me despite and he wanted to make it work, etc.....

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Again, to each their own. If a couple can get past an indiscretion and go on to live a happy life, then good on them.

 

 

Of course each their own. I just want to know what exactly OP wants to debate about. If OP wants to debate about chronic cheaters mostly then I have nothing else to add to this thread.

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I spend far too much times lurking in MANY forums regarding infidelity (I only really post here). These are the reasons I have commonly observed:

 

1. Fear (of many many different things depending on the individual and relationship)

2. Trauma bonding or other trauma after effects.

3. Paralyzing confusion from gaslighting/blame-shifting/rationalizations

4. Negative self image / low self-esteem

5. Lack of solid proof (actually falls under 'fear' but it is common enough)

6. Family pressure (or cultural/religious pressure)

7. Finances

8. Children (IMHO a misguided reason, but very commonly cited, IMHO dumping a cheater is a highly valuable lesson to teach a child).

(actually almost all of the above could be argued to fall under #1)

9. Uncommon - but revenge (staying with the cheater until such time as to 'do unto them' or similar)

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Of course each their own. I just want to know what exactly OP wants to debate about. If OP wants to debate about chronic cheaters mostly then I have nothing else to add to this thread.

 

Lol.... this wasn’t intended to be a debate. It is a conversation. Dialogue about how and when to accept the reality of seemingly the inevitable at times. It’s different for everyone no doubt.

 

Furthermore, with all due respect you don’t get to decide what else should be added to this thread. The entire LS community does and me. ☺️

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