Flirting? Is that food?

[Kuro_Gin]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm recently done with a very bumpy relationship and I've been trying to get out there, meet new people and see what else is out there for me, romantically. However, I'm in a bit of a situation.

 

I've never been flirty as a person, and my only relationship started because my ex hit on and flirted with me. So I didn't have much to do there. Also, I'm only interested in meaningful relationship whether we are talking about romance or friendship, so I'm picky when it comes to socializing. I'm not stuck up, I don't ignore or refuse to talk to people, I just keep close touch or contact people I find interesting or think that we connect. To top it all, I'm suffering from social anxiety and I can't, for the love of it, figure out how to initiate conversation or what to talk about with a stranger or someone I don't know. I've been working on that, but it's still a long road ahead.

 

So, since I have trouble meeting new people by myself and I am a housecat, if I ever find someone I like, because that's been proving very hard, I would like to be able to at least express my interest in a way that also explains my intentions. In simple terms, I'm looking for a serious relationship with someone who care about me and not interested in superficial standards and false images. But I can't do that if I hit on them, because at least in my mind hitting and flirting are different, and the former almost always means you are looking for sex. So, I would need to flirt. And I don't get how that's done.

 

Can anyone help?

Edited June 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[alphamale]

you initiate conversation by saying: "hi, I'm XXX, what's your name?"

[Kuro_Gin]

Sounds simple enough. But I'm not comfortable enough to even say that most of the time. Let's say I meet someone in a park. It's a big open area, if there are a lot of people, my anxiety is too much to handle and I can only function with music in my ears. That's not even halfway through enough to talk to someone else.

 

But let's say they start the conversation. Let's say the first step happens. Then what? If I like that person, my anxiety will make me talk too fast, or say something completely weird.

 

Starting isn't the problem. Well it is but I'm trying to see past it for a moment. Expressing interest properly is.

[alphamale]

maybe you need a psychiatrist and some anti-anxiety meds?

[Kuro_Gin]

maybe you need a psychiatrist and some anti-anxiety meds?

Social anxiety isn't dealt with a psychiatrist and it's not that severe to need meds. If anything, taking meds would have drawbacks far worse than positive effects.

[mark clemson]

I take it you are female? Consider going to a therapist and having them help you take gradual steps to lower your social anxiety. I suspect this would be a necessary first step.

 

While you're going through that process, there are I believe many books devoted to flirting techniques. So you could read up so you'll know what to once your adept at overcoming the social anxiety.

 

I'm by no means an expert, but I do get a lot of practice since I enjoy it. Flirting can be as simple as having a nice, earnest conversation with lots of eye contact and mirroring each others posture, body language. Be a bit liberal with the compliments. At some point (if interested) one can bring up interest in doing more than talking or make a move. (NOT a step I take, being married. But you could.)

 

It's certainly possible to do other, more suggestive, things but that's really not required.

 

(Reminds me of (I think) a movie scene where a girl flirts by tying a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue.)

[Mr. Lucky]

my only relationship started because my ex hit on and flirted with me.

 

Going to guess you were giving off subtle signals or he wouldn't have hit on you.

 

In other words, you were flirting.

 

You can communicate a lot through eye contact, body language and facial expressions, very few words needed. There's a number of youtube videos on this subject, some better than others.

 

There's no need to be Chatty Cathy to draw interest from the opposite sex...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gretchen12]

You are lacking some basic skills. As you said, you're a housecat. I suggest you work on social skills before dating. Reason is that if you're lacking in those skills you will be more likely to be rejected or just used. And even if the person stays with you, the relationship will be hard on you.

 

So I gather you are not in customer service if you can't even introduce yourself. Also, you're probably not a teacher, you don't take care of other people. Maybe you should start by talking to people of your gender before flirting. Try talking to little old ladies. Take the focus off of yourself and your own feelings, and focus on taking care of other people's feelings, making them comfortable. This type of giving makes you a charming and kind person, and you'll see people will start to approach you and flirting will be fun and genuine.

[alphamale]

Social anxiety isn't dealt with a psychiatrist and it's not that severe to need meds. If anything, taking meds would have drawbacks far worse than positive effects.

 

you need to see someone about your social anxiety - properly prescribed anti-anxiety medications can make a big difference for some people

[sanjose]

i was married for over twenty years. Met my ex at work so there was no "flirting" I guess. After my divorce, I felt that I had to get out there. One problem, I'm socially inept as well. Anxiety can be very difficult to overcome. I suggest go out, meet people. Don't worry about flirting. Just talking to people is in and of itself flirting. It shows you're interested. Prepare to be rejected - it will happen. If you're prepared for it, it may help with the anxiety. Above all else, just be yourself - don't try to worry about being a flirt. Be yourself and the rest will happen. Don't over analyze things (e.g. was I saying something stupid, he/ she didn't like me, etc.) If you meet someone and you "click" the rest will take care of itself. I know it's easier said than done but just keep trying. Soon you will find yourself stepping out of your comfort zone. Trust me, I've been there. Reading about Stoicism helped me too. You can't change how people feel/ react to you so don't focus on that mindset. You can only control how you react to things yourself. Try going out with a group of friends to a club/ bar. That way you have support. Just try not to overthink things and have fun. What I can guarantee is that if you don't try, nothing will happen with regards to a relationship. As you become more confident, you will also learn more about yourself - who you are and who you will become. Trust your gut and you will find someone who has what you're looking for. Hope this helps.

[preraph]

Sounds simple enough. But I'm not comfortable enough to even say that most of the time. Let's say I meet someone in a park. It's a big open area, if there are a lot of people, my anxiety is too much to handle and I can only function with music in my ears. That's not even halfway through enough to talk to someone else.

 

But let's say they start the conversation. Let's say the first step happens. Then what? If I like that person, my anxiety will make me talk too fast, or say something completely weird.

 

Starting isn't the problem. Well it is but I'm trying to see past it for a moment. Expressing interest properly is.

 

Well, you need to get comfortable enough or else do it anyway. This is all in your own control and no one but you can do anything about it. In life, we often have to do things we're not comfortable doing. You do it anyway. That's how you mature and overcome obstacles.