I must be due a good one soon, right?

[CT98]

30 year old male here (well I will be next week).

 

I've had 4 proper LTR's, and a few short term flings here and there..

 

I'm recently single again as of last week.

 

During my romantic life I've been cheated on, left for an ex, ghosted, reconciled and then been dumped again & dealt with a woman with severe controlling issues amongst other things.

 

As per the thread title; I would like to meet my future wife, I must be due a good one soon......right?

 

Anyone else had monstrously bad luck with relationships in their twenties? Is that how it's supposed to be? I don't feel there can be many more lessons left to be learnt.

[Foxhall]

perhaps take a few months out of the game and recharge your batteries,

 

I had a lot of relationships in my 20s but they dried up in my 30s so hopefully that will not be your pattern!

 

in saying that, I have met some wonderful women in my 30s and made great women friends if not quite getting the gold prize

 

ah wel you should be more clear anyway on the type of woman you want, so the best is yet to come!

[d0nnivain]

Happy birthday!

 

It's not a matter of being "due" anything. Recognize that you are the common denominator here. What is it that causes you to pick inappropriate women, ignore red flags or otherwise accept disrespectful behavior? When you hone your selection criteria & establish healthy boundaries you will get a quality relationship.

[chillii]

All depends , you've made some pretty bad decisions there getting mixed up with the wrong women.

That's more sorta choices than luck so first thing you gotta do is be more careful and choose right.

And you need some decent time out to just live you for awhile and get your head and heart together,

On the future though, who can say , never can know just what's around the corner unless your in tune with yourself and even then ya can still be wrong, only time knows the real story/

[Atwood]

What were the reasons that your girlfriends cited for leaving you? Even if they hold no weight/you think they were lying, did they give you anything to go on?

[Curiousroxy86]

Question is...Are you learning though?

 

Because you can have better results than you been getting but you have to be aware of your part in your bad results and learn how to correct those thing and well....correct it.

 

Did you ignore red flags?

Do you know red flags when you see them now?

Do you know what to do the next time you spot a red flag?

Do you have boundaries?

Are you too afraid to be alone to the point you jump into a relationship without getting to know a person?

Do you know how to build a great life while single so you won’t feel the need to rush and jump into something that effed up?

Do you have healthy self esteem? Do you love and accept yourself? Do you value your well being?

Do you know what it takes to cultivate a great relationship?

Do you know how to resolve conflict?

 

There is a lot to learn to have better results in dating/relationships my friend. Don’t worry about what’s out of your control. Don’t wonder about “luck”. Worry about what you can change/control/do. It starts with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Recognize that you are the common denominator here.

 

Egggggggxactly.

 

During my romantic life I've been cheated on, left for an ex, ghosted, reconciled and then been dumped again & dealt with a woman with severe controlling issues amongst other things.

 

That's not bad luck, that's poor choices. I have relative who's been in 6 accidents in the last decade and, having ridden with her (once!), it's not happenstance. She's a lousy, careless, inattentive driver.

 

If you have a close friend who's seen this all happen up close, I'd ask them for some honest feedback. I'd guess you could make some changes improving your chances for success...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LivingWaterPlease]

Your picker is broken. Time to fix it!

[CT98]

Well being a young man I was ignorant to certain red flags, and of course I have made mistakes myself. But you don't know what you don't know.

 

But surely there has to be a certain element of luck when meeting a potential romantic partner that your personalities will just mish-mash well, and they won't turn out to be bad for you; it can't all be my fault, and I don't believe that it is.

 

I look at two of my friends: One is married to hist first ever girlfriend, and the other one has just had a baby with his second ever girlfriend - they've both been with their partners for 6 or 7 years and are - at least seemingly to me - very happy. You can't tell me they just instinctively knew, in their early 20's that these woman weren't going to turn out to be a bad choice..? Like I say, luck must play a part in these things..

[Atwood]

Can you be more specific?

What red flags?

What mistakes did you make?

 

There is definitely the fact that it’s mostly luck, but there are lots of potential partners out there for anybody. It is very likely that if someone is struggling with getting or keeping relationships, there’s something going on that’s contributing to that.

[d0nnivain]

It's true that you don't know what you don't know.

 

That said, you now know red flags exist & you need to pay attention to them. So control what you can.

 

Dating can be a numbers game. What are you doing to widen your circle & meet more people / more women?

[Mr. Lucky]

it can't all be my fault, and I don't believe that it is.

 

You're confusing blame and improving your chances for success.

 

For instance, were I looking for a partner, I'd never do a long-distance relationship. No right or wrong, just too many obstacles to the outcome I want.

 

There are similar choices you make in the kinds of girls you meet, what their history and circumstances are, how they conduct and present themselves, etc. I have friend been divorced a few years, would like to find someone and settle down again. And yet he only dates "fun" girls, the ones you meet who are slightly tipsy and talking too loudly at the end of the night. Are you surprised drama and issues inevitably arise?

 

Luck is the residue of design...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

But surely there has to be a certain element of luck when meeting a potential romantic partner that your personalities will just mish-mash well, and they won't turn out to be bad for you

 

Well, yes, but the "randomness" component doesn't work that way. If you roll a die and get "6" your chance of getting the "6" again is THE SAME as before. It doesn't change due to the past. The chance of getting a long string of sixes is low, but it's certainly possible and does happen occasionally.

 

If you KEEP ON ROLLING the chance of getting a certain number (say 100) of 6's is extremely low over time. BUT it's still true that if you happen to have gotten 99 6's in a row then your chance of rolling a 6 next is STILL 1-in-6.

 

That's how randomness works. The same would apply to the randomness component of dating as well.

 

Think much of the advice you're getting about changing who you pick may be a better approach then relying overmuch on the random aspect.

[CT98]

Well, yes, but the "randomness" component doesn't work that way. If you roll a die and get "6" your chance of getting the "6" again is THE SAME as before. It doesn't change due to the past. The chance of getting a long string of sixes is low, but it's certainly possible and does happen occasionally.

 

If you KEEP ON ROLLING the chance of getting a certain number (say 100) of 6's is extremely low over time. BUT it's still true that if you happen to have gotten 99 6's in a row then your chance of rolling a 6 next is STILL 1-in-6.

 

That's how randomness works. The same would apply to the randomness component of dating as well.

 

Think much of the advice you're getting about changing who you pick may be a better approach then relying overmuch on the random aspect.

 

 

I hear what you’re saying, I know life doesn’t work that way. I guess I started the thread out of frustration really, I know there’s not something or someone deciding my fate for me, or maybe there is....but that’s a whole other conversation.

 

Thing is I just don’t find myself being that attracted to many women, and unless I’m completely taken aback by someone’s attractiveness I can’t be bothered to try and ‘make something happen’, perhaps this is a flaw in my approach to meeting females? If it is, it is certainly a significant one as it means the already fairly small pool of single females is reduced even further by my taste.

[mark clemson]

Everyone is different and I'm not going to suggest you choose someone you wouldn't want to be with. You could try it I suppose and see if your feelings change over time. For myself, I'm simply not that picky and personality can make up for minor visual things like being slightly overweight or not "totally gorgeous". It's certainly true that extremely attractive women (and men) are less common.

[CT98]

Everyone is different and I'm not going to suggest you choose someone you wouldn't want to be with. You could try it I suppose and see if your feelings change over time. For myself, I'm simply not that picky and personality can make up for minor visual things like being slightly overweight or not "totally gorgeous". It's certainly true that extremely attractive women (and men) are less common.

 

Oh it’s not that I only go for extremely attractive women, in fact you could show me a picture of a super model and it wouldn’t do it for me. I’m just attracted by a certain quirkinesses, or perhaps kookiness, I just find a lot of women to be too ‘normal’.

[mark clemson]

Ah ok. Well, if it hasn't been working you could try something different. Up to you I suppose. GL whatever you decide.

[PRW]

It isn't who you pick. It is what you do after you pick. Those same women that seemed "bad" will meet another guy and be perfectly successful with them.

 

You have to know how to:

1. Pick a decent one that has potential

2. figure out if the potential is good enough to get into a relationship with, exit if not

3. properly maintain a relationship if you get that far

4. know if it isn't going well and...

a. fix it before it goes off the rails or....

b. exit gracefully if you have to exit.

[Curiousroxy86]

Well being a young man I was ignorant to certain red flags, and of course I have made mistakes myself. But you don't know what you don't know.

 

But surely there has to be a certain element of luck when meeting a potential romantic partner that your personalities will just mish-mash well, and they won't turn out to be bad for you; it can't all be my fault, and I don't believe that it is.

 

I look at two of my friends: One is married to hist first ever girlfriend, and the other one has just had a baby with his second ever girlfriend - they've both been with their partners for 6 or 7 years and are - at least seemingly to me - very happy. You can't tell me they just instinctively knew, in their early 20's that these woman weren't going to turn out to be a bad choice..? Like I say, luck must play a part in these things..

 

Buuuuut what good is “luck” going to do for you if luck is out of your control??? I mean unless your looking for an excuse to throw in the towel because your not “lucky enough”. Yes people who find the right person at a very young age or at a time they gave up dating was lucky. The rest of us have to make WISE decisions to have a better chance at getting what we want. So again don’t worry about luck since it’s out of your control.

[Curiousroxy86]

Oh it’s not that I only go for extremely attractive women, in fact you could show me a picture of a super model and it wouldn’t do it for me. I’m just attracted by a certain quirkinesses, or perhaps kookiness, I just find a lot of women to be too ‘normal’.

 

You have to decide what your willing to let go and what your willing to hold on to. If your holding on to a certain standard you have to be okay with all you miss out on as a result. For example I unapologetically won’t date guys who live 45 miles outside of my city. That’s a lot of great guys I could be passing up. And for now I’m okay with that because I reaaaaally don’t want a long distance relationship. So if your going to be polarizing you have to own the results or make a change. Wining about it won’t make you feel any better or change your situation imo. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m just attracted by a certain quirkinesses, or perhaps kookiness, I just find a lot of women to be too ‘normal’.

 

I'd venture this preference almost guarantees you'll be dating a lot of frogs before you find a princess ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[I'veseenbetterlol]

As per the thread title; I would like to meet my future wife, I must be due a good one soon......right?

 

Anyone else had monstrously bad luck with relationships in their twenties? Is that how it's supposed to be? I don't feel there can be many more lessons left to be learnt.

 

Not necessarily, but hopefully. I had terrible luck dating, both w/online dating and real life dating. My ex, the 1st man I ever loved, didn't love me back. Another guy who I opened up to after healing, ghosted me. I had terrible luck dating and almost ended up w/a crazy controlling guy (just like you w/that woman). Finally I met the guy and everything fell into place. Continue dating, its worth it!

[schlumpy]

 

As per the thread title; I would like to meet my future wife, I must be due a good one soon......right?

 

Anyone else had monstrously bad luck with relationships in their twenties? Is that how it's supposed to be? I don't feel there can be many more lessons left to be learnt.

 

I think you need a reliable filter. You have tried to build one through experience but as you pointed out luck influences the outcome.

 

How about something old fashioned? Since you can't fully rely on your own perceptions how about borrowing the judgement and experience of your close friends and family. If you meet someone you care about run them through the gauntlet of people that are looking out for your happiness and then listen closely to what they have to say.

 

Find out from your friends and family who they think you should be with. Many times people who are outside the relationship see right to the heart of the matter in an eye blink where you will be fogged in by unimportant details.

 

You can still be your own man in that you have the final say in the matter. This is just about improving your odds for success or tilting lady luck in your favor.

 

Good luck in the future.

[elaine567]

I’m just attracted by a certain quirkinesses, or perhaps kookiness, I just find a lot of women to be too ‘normal’.

 

You are in effect selecting for "crazy".

 

You need to look deep inside yourself and ask why that is, before you just keep repeating yourself and then wondering why it didn't work out AGAIN...

 

It is usually due to FOO issues and learned patterns of behaviour.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

This is pretty much my experience too. IMHO social media and dating apps are making people more manipulative, we just have dating as bullying now. The best thing to do is meet people as quickly as much in person and then once you're in the relationship make sure you're super present i.e. in the profile picture. Keep asking hard questions and don't lower your standards or people will just take advantage. You need to do everything else to be worthy, but agreed, it's pretty out-of-control or maybe I just live in the dregs, LA.