Dwelling on her past

[kjy123]

Ill try to keep it as simple as it is, and short as I can.

I'm 24, she is 23.

Never in my life I though of my partner's past as a bad thing, and didn't payed attention to it at all, I'm a very confident guy in general when it comes to relationships as I know what I bring to the table, and what happened in the past is no concern of mine , but god help me, with this girl it's different.

 

We met at work, while I was in another relationship of 2 years.

Right at the start we clicked so hard, became very good friends, and she was flirting with me A LOT. I knew it wasn't right so we backed off a bit.

She then went to a trip she wanted to do , 4 months in South america (again, she was single and I was in a relationship) and we kept in touch.

Exactly when she came back, me and my former gf broke up.

As you guessed right, we started chatting, one thing led to another, and here we are dating for a year, and everything's great!

She is a kind, loving, supportive, warm and smart woman, any guy should kill for that type of a woman.

One day, when we opened up, she told me about this guy she met in her trip, things got heated between them and in the end they made out and she gave him a handjob, no sex (sorry for explicty).

At first I didn't mind it, but then she also told me his name...

So I made a huge ****ing mistake and searched on facebook , and then I knew how he looked, and from that day I keep picturing their situation, and it TEARS ME APART.

I just can't not think about it every day, it's bugging and plays on my mind untill the point where I'm starting to lose interest in her....

She doesn't know if it, But she feels I changed my behavior, I told her it's because collage is putting me in a a lot of stress because I don't want to hurt her.

 

I know it should not, I know it's quiet immature, and that its dumb to think about it...

I guess maybe because we were such good friends, it hurts me, knowing that someone I really cared for had some kind of sexual relationship, and later on I had a relationship with her

Please, don't judge me, I have already posted it somewhere else on the Internet and people made fun of me, I'm really seeking an advice for you guys.

Have a blessed day.

Edited June 9, 2019 by kjy123

[Gaeta]

Hello kjy123, your feelings are normal for a young person. You are starting your journey in life with little experience so everything new feels like a threat against your masculinity. Even if I would spend the day trying to convince you this is not important it's not going to make it disappear from your mind.

 

Unfortunately I think you should break up with her because your feelings are gone, it doesn't matter your feelings are gone for a trivial story - they are gone AND you should tell her the truth. It's important to tell Your girlfriend the truth because she also has to learn a lesson from this, it's not nice to tell our bf-gf sexual details with names, it's not nice to our partner and not good for our relationship.

 

Maybe later you'll reconnect but for now the bad has been done, and nothing will reverse how you feel.

[d0nnivain]

Alas now you know why it's best that some things remain a mystery. She was wrong to give you so many explicit details. You were more wrong for looking up the guy. Remember the saying "curiosity killed the cat"? This is what they mean.

 

You have what is commonly termed retroactive jealousy. It's a counter productive thing because you can't change it.

 

Your best bet is to change your self talk. Instead of seeing him as a threat, reframe him as a one-off substitute. She was on vacation & couldn't have you. He was there & you weren't. Period. She didn't stay in touch with me & she came home to have a relationship with you. Focus on the fact that she picked you! Try to remember that while she was on her trip you were dating a different woman & presumably doing more then she did with this guy. He was a play thing. You are real.

 

If you can't put this past you, tell her what you are thinking & explain this is why you are breaking up with her. Give the girl the peace of mind to know that in the case the cliché was true: It was you, not her. This way she doesn't have to struggle wondering what went wrong.

[Foxhall]

I would not worry about it buddy,

 

girls like to have fun, in another ten years or so, you will realise they love bed hopping and playing the field just as much as blokes do.

 

you were not even a couple when this "action" occurred,

 

I get this notion you have, I was probably the same about one girl when I was 23, that I could not handle the thought of her being with someone else and so on,

programme yourself that women/girlfriends will let you down, you just enjoy what you have as long as you can and take what you can get.

 

anyway there was not even cheating in this case so whats the problem, some fantasy that this girl will always be yours exclusively, it does not work like that.

[somanymistakes]

it hurts me, knowing that someone I really cared for had some kind of sexual relationship

 

It's understandable that it may throw you for a loop the first time this happens to you, especially if up until this point your only model for relationships was very simple "meet THE ONE, fall in love, get married, together forever".

 

However, if it's really bothering you and you can't get past that, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor to explore your feelings about sex and sexuality, because you probably have some guilt/shame issues lurking in your mind that are going to cause you problems in the long run, not just with anyone else you might ever date but also with yourself because you have a past too.

[Beendaredonedat]

I suggest you Google "Retroactive Jealously" and educate yourself on how to overcome it before you ruin and perfectly good emotional connection with a girl you were quasi pursuing while in a relationship with another. You were not celibate while she was gone I'm sure since you were in a relationship.

 

There is a site that gives counseling to help you get over Retroactive Jealousy so look for that link if you can't stop obsessing about what she did while SINGLE!

 

Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

it hurts me, knowing that someone I really cared for had some kind of sexual relationship,

 

If you are a virgin, then OK, you can feel this way. But if you are not, it's hypocritical.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm a very confident guy in general when it comes to relationships as I know what I bring to the table

 

Funny how every guy posting this same insecure silliness starts off this way.

 

You liked her boldness in pursuit of you. And yet that same sexual confidence expressed with someone else is...wrong? Shameful? Slutty?

 

She’s a young woman finding her way in life. Be glad she’s chosen to include you in the journey. That is, if you’re up to the task...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kjy123]

Thanks all of you for the replay, I don't know how I can quote all of you at once.

I think I'm thinking of the situation as a big deal mainly because we had feelings before she flew away, so we had this common though of getting together when she came back from her trip, as I knew my current relationship will be over soon.

But I'd like to sharpen my point, the idea of her getting sexual with another dude didn't disturb me, untill she told me his name and I saw a picture of him (which happened just two months ago)

When she told me about her getting intimate with someone (first month of dating...), it was obvious to me it will happen so I didn't pay attention to it, the trigger was what I wrote above

I know it's hypocrite of me, because she was free to do whatever her mind was set to do, and for god's sake she didn't do anything wrong!

As I said at the start, I also have my past, and my ex gf had a past which again, didn't disturb me at all...ry open woman who I share my thoughts with)

Sorry If I sound childish or hypocrite or a little bit ! ch, I really don't mean to, I can't control this feelings of mine, just had to get it off my chest. My close friends and family think it's so minor they even laughed at me..

I know it's my problem, not her's, I just don't want to lose her for this stupid *****.

Edited June 10, 2019 by kjy123

[d0nnivain]

OK it's not that she had sex. It's that now you know what the other guy looked like. Way less hypocritical.

 

My advice still stands: try to remember that he was a drive by. You are her BF.

[Beendaredonedat]

Thanks all of you for the replay, I don't know how I can quote all of you at once.

I think I'm thinking of the situation as a big deal mainly because we had feelings before she flew away, so we had this common though of getting together when she came back from her trip, as I knew my current relationship will be over soon.

But I'd like to sharpen my point, the idea of her getting sexual with another dude didn't disturb me, untill she told me his name and I saw a picture of him (which happened just two months ago)

When she told me about her getting intimate with someone (first month of dating...), it was obvious to me it will happen so I didn't pay attention to it, the trigger was what I wrote above

I know it's hypocrite of me, because she was free to do whatever her mind was set to do, and for god's sake she didn't do anything wrong!

As I said at the start, I also have my past, and my ex gf had a past which again, didn't disturb me at all...ry open woman who I share my thoughts with)

Sorry If I sound childish or hypocrite or a little bit ! ch, I really don't mean to, I can't control this feelings of mine, just had to get it off my chest. My close friends and family think it's so minor they even laughed at me..

I know it's my problem, not her's, I just don't want to lose her for this stupid *****.

Did you google "Retro Active Jealousy" and read about how to overcome it?

[Thomas Mint]

Retroactive jealousy is a quite normal reaction. It is not you with the problem. How you deal with it is a matter of ultimate choices and what you are willing to live with. And I’m working through these choices myself.

 

I’ve been married for 27 years. Beautiful and great wife and mother. Three kids. When we were dating/engaged we had the “what was your number” talk. I admitted to “dozens”. She asked no more and never has. Her: “one” (her high school boyfriend) and “maybe one more”. I know, a bit vague. But I was satisfied that even at two, she was a women of integrity. Furthermore, she had claimed she had sex with the hs boyfriend because she didn’t want to head off to college a virgin.

 

Fast forward, we are some 19 years into the marriage. She is heading to her high school reunion and I knew her old bf would be there. When she returned, I asked her what it was like to be around the first guy she had been with. She made a confession: he wasn’t her first. The first was when she was 16 or 17, on a school vacation trip with another friend’s family. She met a guy in Hawaii who was six years older than her. It happened in her hotel room. She was ashamed of it. But besides withholding the information, the issue is she suggested we go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, many years after when the first deed occurred. I found this hurtful and disrespectful. We could have gone anywhere else. She said it was no big deal to her. But it was a big deal to me. Too late for me to do anything about it.

 

As the years went by, I learned of more partners. One was a date rape she was victimized by while in college. She is from a small town. You can learn things there because people talk. I found out there were others. Some that I verified happened. Others I strongly suspect did. I estimate the real number is somewhere around 7-10. She denies much. She never discusses her past sex life. She has a hard time communicating on ours. She is an otherwise completely honest person, I have complete faith (and I’m no fool) that she has never been unfaithful to me. I am anguished over this, but I gradually reconcile it over time due to two main reasons I believe she withheld all of this. First, her father died when she was just 16. A huge void in her life. Second, just overwhelming shame. Shame can cause us to lie and do things we ordinarily wouldn’t.

 

So I get through this initially. We have a wonderful marriage otherwise and a great family. I swallow my pride and look past the only area of our relationship that I believe she has lied about or omitted information.

 

But then here’s what changed. About eight years ago, our sexual relationship began to diminish. It has declined in stops and starts over that time. It causes a major rift in our current relationship. And not having a quality intimate relationship brings all of her past partners roaring back to the front. I look at it as how could you have had relations with these other men, but now you won’t even have regular engaged sex with your own husband? And that really burns me. This is not what I expect to feel over 30 years into our relationship.

Edited July 7, 2019 by Thomas Mint
Typos

[lana-banana]

I asked her what it was like to be around the first guy she had been with. She made a confession: he wasn’t her first. The first was when she was 16 or 17, on a school vacation trip with another friend’s family. She met a guy in Hawaii who was six years older than her. It happened in her hotel room. She was ashamed of it. But besides withholding the information, the issue is she suggested we go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, many years after when the first deed occurred. I found this hurtful and disrespectful. We could have gone anywhere else.

 

Two things:

 

1) A sixteen-year-old and a twenty-three-year-old isn't sex, it's statutory rape. I get that she probably wanted it on some level, but even if she didn't tell the guy she was in high school he absolutely should have known better. HE took advantage of HER. Again, statutory rape. That's a crime.

 

2) You think the entire state of Hawaii has to be cursed as the place where your wife lost her virginity to an older man who had no business touching her? You think her attempt to go there and enjoy beautiful Hawaii and also create new, special memories with you (versus the old and probably very scary, confusing, sad ones) is "hurtful and disrespectful"? How are you managing to turn what happened to her---let's repeat, statutory rape---about you?

 

As the years went by, I learned of more partners. One was a date rape she was victimized by while in college.

 

This is not a partner, this is rape. My God.

 

I estimate the real number is somewhere around 7-10...She has a hard time communicating on ours...First, her father died when she was just 16. A huge void in her life. Second, just overwhelming shame...

 

Her father dies and she has her first sexual encounter (statutory rape!) within months or a year after. She is raped at least one other time in her life. Obviously lying is bad, but holy Lord, have some compassion. She clearly feels great discomfort and shame around sex that has probably persisted since the very first time she was touched by a man in a way that was predatory and illegal (statutory rape!), in the immediate absence of her father. 7-10 partners isn't some kind of wild sowing of oats, it's the national average.

 

But then here’s what changed. About eight years ago, our sexual relationship began to diminish. It has declined in stops and starts over that time. It causes a major rift in our current relationship. And not having a quality intimate relationship brings all of her past partners roaring back to the front. I look at it as how could you have had relations with these other men, but now you won’t even have regular engaged sex with your own husband? And that really burns me. This is not what I expect to feel over 30 years into our relationship.

 

This poor woman is probably going through menopause, a midlife crisis, work stress, or God knows what, and you're still making this all about you, your pride, and your resentment of her past sexual encounters (at least two of whom were rapists) without any consideration of what she's gone through or why she might be feeling the way she is now. This woman needs intensive counseling and all the love and support in the world. Meanwhile, you seem to think she should have refused a honeymoon in Hawaii for you and you are mad that she should dare to be less intimate for a period after 30 years of marriage without any consideration for why it's happening. Your selfishness is off the charts. My heart bleeds for her.

[spiderowl]

Did you feel the guy she had an encounter with while she was away was better-looking that you? I wonder if that is why it is bothering you so much?

 

Many of the issues that crop up in life and become a major focus or even obsession are distortions of natural instincts - like the instinct for order and for knowing where all your important things are can become distorted into the ultra-cleanliness and obsessiveness of OCD.

 

I suspect that this natural instinct to fend off all sexual rivals has become a bit overwhelming for you since a picture of him made it all real. Maybe this is instead a sign of just how important she has become to you? The more precious she is to you, the more likely it is you would feel threatened if you felt you had any rivals.

 

Your girlfriend was just being honest with you - and honestly is a good trait! I think it is fear that is turning you off here, fear of losing her. Be careful that you don't end up losing her because of your reaction. Maybe you are afraid she is going to go off with someone else and you are pre-empting this. This does not sound rational as, from what you have said, there is nothing to suggest she is looking for anyone else.

[thefooloftheyear]

Two things here...

 

A real man that is fully secure in his masculinity/manhood doesn't worry about this crap...They(women) sleep with other guys, they suck other guys dicks and other guys may(probably) have a bigger dick than you do...These are the facts...Period...

 

The reality, though, is most secure men realize that they are more than that anyway, and most women(even the ones that are very sexual) will see beyond that stuff for the right type of guy...That's why most guys clearly assume all that stuff but it wont bother them too much...

 

Here is the other thing...

 

She's a moron for giving you all the details...Smart women keep that stuff under their hat, as there are some guys that will never get that picture out of their head and it will taint the relationship indefinitely....Guys don't have to know every detail...Just don't tell them....There are times in life where omission is the best option...This is one of those times...And I see women on here doing this a lot, but never experienced it in real life...Its like this "whats your count/#", crap...no one should ever ask that, IMO..Its just dumb and shows a weakness of character...

 

So what do you do now??

 

You either learn to live with it and hope time allows it to fade into the abyss or you move on and learn from this...That's about all you can do...Realize that if you cant handle the truth about this stuff then don't go looking for it...

 

TFY

Edited July 14, 2019 by thefooloftheyear

[loversquarrel]

If she is willing to lie about something so frivolous and unimportant then she will lie about anything.