snowcones Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 There was a discussion in a recent thread about Unconditional love Vs. Conditional love between lovers. This topic has always been interesting to me. I love tales of unconditional love between two lovers, but I rarely ever see it in real life. I have never experienced receiving it from a lover, and I think if I did, I would instantly get rid of all of my conditions, as well. Ahh, it's nice to dream. In the meantime, I'll go back to watching romantic movies with tales of unconditional love. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Unconditional love sounds nice, but the idea is inherently unhealthy for anything other than a parent-to-child relationship. At the very least, it needs the condition of your lover continuing to be the person that you thought they were when you pledged your undying love to them. If it turns out that you were misled, or that they've greatly changed and become abusive, 'unconditional' love is just a trap to try and keep you from protecting yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 Unconditional love sounds nice, but the idea is inherently unhealthy for anything other than a parent-to-child relationship. At the very least, it needs the condition of your lover continuing to be the person that you thought they were when you pledged your undying love to them. If it turns out that you were misled, or that they've greatly changed and become abusive, 'unconditional' love is just a trap to try and keep you from protecting yourself. In a perfect world where both people have unconditional love, neither would change into something the other didn't like/love, because all they would care about doing is making and keeping the other person happy. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 There is the idea of “unconditional love” and there is self preservation. When the unconditional love hurts you mentally or emotionally and you stay, it’s called being codependent and you need a mental health professional to help you stop hurting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 There is the idea of “unconditional love” and there is self preservation. When the unconditional love hurts you mentally or emotionally and you stay, it’s called being codependent and you need a mental health professional to help you stop hurting yourself. Again, if it were a perfect world and BOTH felt unconditional love, neither would hurt each other, so there wouldn't be this need to protect yourself. They both would do this for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
BloodRedRose Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 To me, unconditional love contradicts itself. How is loving a certain person special, if there isn't anything peculiar to love them for? Is it an obscure feeling that could be directed at anyone, then? It seems, that unconditional love is a love for an ideal, an illusion that leads to jumping through hoops for something that doesn't exist and in the end makes you lose yourself. Conditional love is much more mature and down to Earth, you love conditionally because you respect yourself also Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) Unconditional love exists between parents and children, and perhaps sometimes in certain other situations (mostly familial) where similar bonds have formed. Unconditional love is not for "lovers," no matter how passionate. People get into a lot of trouble following their passions unconditionally, in the quest for this unattainable goal. Furthermore, why would you even want that, really? That is literally what puppies are for, and I do not want a human mate who behaves that way. (I don't want puppies either, frankly - I think I'm incapable of loving anything that simpers and/or snivels - ew.) I need a man who expects the best of me a heck of a lot more than I need a man who would tolerate the worst of me in the name of "unconditional love." Give me something to live up to; the very last thing any human needs is license to be a runny-poo-stain on the fabric of society. That's my two cents, anyway. Edited June 8, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 In a perfect world where both people have unconditional love, neither would change into something the other didn't like/love, because all they would care about doing is making and keeping the other person happy. But of course that's not really possible. Slowly (and sometimes quickly) but surely the world changes and those around us change, and we change as well as adapt. The truism that change is the only constant is a valid one I believe. That said, I do think it's possible for two people to really really love each other a great deal and for neither one of them to change enough over a lifetime for them to stop loving each other. I suspect it's not incredibly common, but with 7.5 billion people in the world no doubt it does happen. So that would be pretty close. I don't think one can really plan for or realistically expect this though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Unconditional love seems to mainly be people who just decide not to take their blinders off when it comes to relationships. I mean, certainly you can love someone for life. I love several people for life, but it's not the same as unconditional love. There's people you can love but not live with or who just don't feel quite the same way. For me, unconditional love is how I love my dogs. How good people love their children. But no, I've not seen it be that children unconditionally love their parents much at all. It seems to be reserved for the ones who have taken on caretaking responsibilities! Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowcones Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 It seems to be reserved for the ones who have taken on caretaking responsibilities! Yes that's the only time I've seen it too. Maybe I need to get sick... Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Unconditional love? Another discredited urban myth. Well, there may be a few people who actually manage this, but I suspect they may be damaged. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 The only true unconditional love I know is the one I have for my children, and the one my parents have for us. I would be extremely cautious if a partner would profess their unconditional love. That, to me, is a sure sign of a mental imbalance or very severe insecurities / lack of boundaries. Or a meaningless turn of phrase. A healthy relationship can only be conditional, imo. Successful partners in long lasting relationships know that, and work towards abiding by the 'conditions' of their partnership (same values) of their own free will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 I think unconditional love can exist, but that doesn't mean it has to be acted on. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) "Love" can be unconditional but its the relationship that has the conditions. For instance, you can still love an alcoholic but you cannot stay in a relationship with one because that would be selfish as you would be enabling the addicted person to continue drinking, which of course would be continuing in an unhealthy/dysfunctional situation. Even God (if you happen to be religious, I am not) has conditions on his love for you, he will still love you but you can't go to heaven unless you abide to his conditions within a relationship with him. Unconditional love ~ Yes! Unconditional relationship ~ No! Edited June 8, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Hi everyone. I am going through a break up of a long term relationship and was just pondering this very question. So thank you OP for posting! As I ponder what I did wrong in our relationship and what I should change in the future, I wondered if I had made a mistake by not having conditions. Somehow I decided to love my bf unconditionally. I let him do whatever he wanted without expressing my feelings of approval or lack therof. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. And if I have conditions or expectations, I would just be disappointed if I made judgements on his actions. But...I think my lack of feedback led us to grow apart. We changed in opposite directions. Reading here that conditions should exist now makes sense but how does one go about doing that without being demanding? Or being disappointed and then resentful? Please keep responding to this post your thoughts as I am struggling on this question. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Somehow I decided to love my bf unconditionally. Don’t think you did or you’d still be together - regardless of what he’s done, right? This is a silly concept and at its core an unhealthy one. We’re not going to love a partner that lies, cheats, disrespects, injures or abuses so conditions abound. The only more meaningless discussions revolve around “in a perfect world” ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 What's the point of pondering "in a perfect world" when the world isn't perfect. I think it makes far more sense to ponder how to make the best of the imperfect world we live in. Link to post Share on other sites
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