onceupona Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Quite frankly, it is curiosity more than anything at this point. I actually had never heard of the term "limerence", and so when I started reading about it, it really resonated in some ways. I have been on NC with her for over 8 months now. Prior to that, we would speak every now and then, and the feelings would rush back instantly. Even lately(very sparingly) I will miss her randomly. I make a very conscious effort not to stalk her as I found that it became extremely obsessive to the point where I would do it first thing in the morning. During our relationship, I was sort of insecure. A lot of this was due to her behavior. Lack of being expressive, showing a lack of interest. She would never pick me up from the airport when I travelled in to see her(I never said anything but it always bugged me that she didn't), show up late wherever we agreed to meet, not much excitement etc. Even then, ANYTHING she would do, would effect me. Being around her and just looking at her would make my heart rush. When I was next to her physically, it felt as though I was on cloud 9. I would feel bad about pretty much every argument we had even if I was not in the wrong, simply justifying her behavior, or making sense out of why she was frustrated over something. I was head over heels over a girl that didn't deserve any of it. I would try to impress her, not bore her, and I felt like I was becoming someone I am not. Sure she was a "sweet" girl, but she was not worthy of the time and effort that I invested. Fast forward to the relationship I have today, I am my own self. I am happy, at ease, I am secure, loving, and my day is not ruined if my significant other is in a bad mood, or if we have a simple fall out or argument over silly things. There are not "hot and cold" feelings, I don't have to think twice before talking to her or addressing anything. Just something I was wondering after learning about limerence. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 In order to "nail down" that it was limerence, you would need to have been having fantasies as well. For instance, you're the hero saving the other person from something. Playing roles in your mind, etc. And, you would also not be so much into physical intimacy. In other words, you might have sex with the person, but you didn't really care about having it. You'd be wanting mostly validation and gratitude more than sex. Those two elements are key to being able to be sure of limerence. It's possible to have a "light" case of it, but usually those hallmark features are present to some degree at least. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Might just have been straight up lust. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 In order to "nail down" that it was limerence, you would need to have been having fantasies as well. For instance, you're the hero saving the other person from something. Playing roles in your mind, etc. And, you would also not be so much into physical intimacy. In other words, you might have sex with the person, but you didn't really care about having it. You'd be wanting mostly validation and gratitude more than sex. Those two elements are key to being able to be sure of limerence. It's possible to have a "light" case of it, but usually those hallmark features are present to some degree at least. That's not usually how I'd define it. In my understanding, limerence is the obsessive phase of new attraction. It's when EVERYTHING about them is AMAZING. You think about them all the time. Seriously all the time. Your mind keeps going back to them every minute. You want to talk about them to everyone you talk to. Everything reminds you of them. Yes, you also fantasize about them, being with them, sharing a deep love with them (it is more about an emotional connection than a sexual one, but that doesn't mean you 'don't care' about having sex, it just means that sex doesn't fulfill your longing. you want MORE. MORE.) If you found your attraction to this first girl really addictive and it made you obsess over her and want to know what she's doing all the time, and you felt physically amazing when you were near her and heartbroken when you were away, then yes, there was probably a bit of limerence involved there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onceupona Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 In order to "nail down" that it was limerence, you would need to have been having fantasies as well. For instance, you're the hero saving the other person from something. Playing roles in your mind, etc. And, you would also not be so much into physical intimacy. In other words, you might have sex with the person, but you didn't really care about having it. You'd be wanting mostly validation and gratitude more than sex. Those two elements are key to being able to be sure of limerence. It's possible to have a "light" case of it, but usually those hallmark features are present to some degree at least. Thanks for the response. That was definitely not the case with me thats for sure. Perhaps a light case of it, as you said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onceupona Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 That's not usually how I'd define it. In my understanding, limerence is the obsessive phase of new attraction. It's when EVERYTHING about them is AMAZING. You think about them all the time. Seriously all the time. Your mind keeps going back to them every minute. You want to talk about them to everyone you talk to. Everything reminds you of them. Yes, you also fantasize about them, being with them, sharing a deep love with them (it is more about an emotional connection than a sexual one, but that doesn't mean you 'don't care' about having sex, it just means that sex doesn't fulfill your longing. you want MORE. MORE.) If you found your attraction to this first girl really addictive and it made you obsess over her and want to know what she's doing all the time, and you felt physically amazing when you were near her and heartbroken when you were away, then yes, there was probably a bit of limerence involved there. That pretty much does sum it up. I was obsessed with her. Even after breaking up with her, I was obsessing, I would stalk her ALOT. Any argument we had I would re think and it will almost always be my fault in my head. Even if it were my fault, and she handled it horribly, I'd be harsh on myself. I did feel heartbroken EVERY single time I had to fly back. Part of it was because she wasn't expressive enough and we didn't have a very strong connection with talking as she never spoke too much about deep nor interesting things; and this naturally made me insecure doubting whether the woman who I thought I was "in love" with, may not have felt the same. Perhaps the distance kept the spark and the "lust" from settling as we never spent too much time together consecutively. I just never understood what was happening. It brought a great amount of stress on to me, and normally with behavior and such treatment from a girl, I would never stick around. What I have with my girlfriend today is totally different. It's intimate, passionate, secure, and everything I have ever wanted. I came across the term "limerence" today for the first time, and that was what got me wondering. I do recall how long it took me to finally get over her. Admittedly, I still have days every now and then where I miss her or am tempted to stalk her (I do still find her attractive), but I would never go down that road again in a million years. Lesson hard learnt! Link to post Share on other sites
Author onceupona Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 Might just have been straight up lust. Possibly. Didn't realize lust could take forever to get over a girl, but I suppose anything is possible! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Some people overlook flaws in people if they think they are that attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 In order to "nail down" that it was limerence, you would need to have been having fantasies as well. For instance, you're the hero saving the other person from something. Playing roles in your mind, etc. And, you would also not be so much into physical intimacy. In other words, you might have sex with the person, but you didn't really care about having it. You'd be wanting mostly validation and gratitude more than sex. Those two elements are key to being able to be sure of limerence. It's possible to have a "light" case of it, but usually those hallmark features are present to some degree at least. Not too sure where you learned that. The term limerence was coined and defined by a Dr. Dorothy Tennov and she says, "sexual attraction is an essential component of limerence ... the limerent is a potential sex partner" But it is true that someone in the state of limerence will spend a great deal of their time fantasizing and obsessively thinking about the object of their affection. In fact the bulk of the relationship is mostly based on fantasy rather than reality OP it does sound like you were deeply infatuated by this girl or you may have been having a normal reaction to push/pull behaviour Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Reading this (if you haven't already) may be of help. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence I flirt and interact with women a lot generally. I was 100% sure I had limerence because I would think of her VERY frequently, feel longing to the point of crying, and also feel an odd "drug like" state. At the height of it I literally felt like I was drowning and at one point I was unable to look at her (due to it increasing the intensity of my emotions). I would have romantic (vs. sexual) fantasies of embracing her and an incredibly strong desire to do this. Way outside the norm of sexual arousal. Not sure if all that helps you determine. I may have had a particularly strong case or simply be highly susceptible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author onceupona Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 Reading this (if you haven't already) may be of help. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence I flirt and interact with women a lot generally. I was 100% sure I had limerence because I would think of her VERY frequently, feel longing to the point of crying, and also feel an odd "drug like" state. At the height of it I literally felt like I was drowning and at one point I was unable to look at her (due to it increasing the intensity of my emotions). I would have romantic (vs. sexual) fantasies of embracing her and an incredibly strong desire to do this. Way outside the norm of sexual arousal. Not sure if all that helps you determine. I may have had a particularly strong case or simply be highly susceptible. Very interesting! Out of curiosity, was this with the one woman, or is it often the case for you? I wonder if something like this would settle if say you married her or were in a healthy relationship with her for a very long time. For me, it may have been more exciting being with the girl I refer to with these feelings, but it was also much more draining and exhausting, and ALOT more unhealthy. It cost me a lot of time, consumed a lot of my energy, and stressed me out a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 This was with one woman. Other than her I haven't felt like that since some rough high school and college breakups, so for 20+ years. As with your case it was with the wrong woman from the start (I am married) and also turned out to be that at the end when she became passive-aggressive and emotionally cruel. (To be fair, she had limerence for me too and so I believe she felt traumatized by the ups and downs by the end. Also many people "flip" emotionally as a defense mechanism at the end of a relationship as a defense mechanism against emotional pain.) My belief is that it would have slowly faded had we married or similar as I understand that for most people limerence has a "shelf-life" of 1-3 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Fast forward to the relationship I have today, I am my own self. I am happy, at ease, I am secure, loving, and my day is not ruined if my significant other is in a bad mood, or if we have a simple fall out or argument over silly things. There are not "hot and cold" feelings, I don't have to think twice before talking to her or addressing anything. Rather than worrying about the ex, I'd be concerned if you didn't experience at least a mild version of this at the start of your new relationship? Every good LTR I've been in started off with both an urgency and feeling she was slightly better backlit than anyone else in the room. Not so this time? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author onceupona Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 Rather than worrying about the ex, I'd be concerned if you didn't experience at least a mild version of this at the start of your new relationship? Every good LTR I've been in started off with both an urgency and feeling she was slightly better backlit than anyone else in the room. Not so this time? Mr. Lucky Actually the nature of my current relationship is extremely different. We had been good friends for over 10 years. I had already been comfortable around her, already spent tons of time with her, we spoke almost everyday even while we were away for university etc, and we were both seeing different people. I've known her since high school, and so I never looked at her in any way more than a friend. I actually didn't really LOOK at her that way at all. When we decided to give it a go, it was a very natural transition. We took a trip together, and it was the most lovely time I have had. The intimacy kicked in, we laughed, had deep conversations, and had an amazing time. Slowly but surely I started looking at her in a way I never did before, and everything fell into place as I already know and trust this woman. I already know what she likes, what she dislikes, etc. I suppose because I have known her for so long is why it was different. Link to post Share on other sites
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