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Why do people string others along?


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Example (keep in mind I was a teenager coming from a very dysfunctional family. Any love I could get, I'd hold onto it and not let go):

 

My ex left me multiple times, cheated on me and gaslighted to make me feel crazy and irrational, then he'd cheat on his new/old girl with me (unknown to my knowledge), when he did "come back", he would not actually be there, just back and forth constantly. When he left me, he often just sent me a text "maybe we should be friends instead". Just very cowardly and pathetic behavior. He never closed the door on me to let me move on, instead when I did let go, he'd bolt back to me.

 

What the hell are people like that even thinking? Why do they do that? I am definitely over my ex, but the way he made me feel (crazy, dumb, small, irrelevant), I don't think I'll ever get over that fully. And I was so young, too.

 

If they want to go, why not actually go and not torture the other party? Where is the bloody logic in stringing people along?! For years?..

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amaysngrace

Maybe he was raised in a dysfunctional family as well and just acts that way because it’s what he was taught.

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He was just doing what was best for him at the time, without a care as to how you were feeling about it...

 

They string you along, because they can.

Men especially younger men, get driven by sex and if women are stupid enough to believe the lies and put up with the nonsense and the disrespect, then he doesn't feel it is on him, it is on her...

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In his case it was a power thing / ego stroke. He loved how much you were willing to do for him.

 

Given your background you didn't understand love & respect / appreciation.

 

Now that you do, have boundaries & things will improve in your life once he's permanently on the outside

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He never closed the door on me to let me move on, instead when I did let go, he'd bolt back to me.

 

The question you should be asking yourself is not “Why did he do this” but rather, “why did you allow it? Why did you take him back and not close the door to him?”

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Yep. This is so often the case. It's sort of a victim mentality that makes them, at least slow to take action and makes the questions happen. If the offending party really was a high-end scale narcissist, it's not surprising that the partner would be operating that way. The "victim" tends to feel as though they don't have control over situations. They've been conditioned. They questioned everything in the past including themselves. It's extremely difficult to break away.

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Curiousroxy86

People do what they want to do/what’s in their self interest

 

So people who play others are no different

 

They do it because they want to

 

Just like you do what you want to do.

 

Though you may want to be with someone who doesn’t play you and You don’t play the guy your with. Unfortunately not all men think and have the same desires as you do.

 

All you can do is have discernment while dating on who is good for you and who is not and when a man shows you he is not good for you then you get rid of him sooner rather than later to make way for a guy who is right for you . Good luck!

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My ex left me multiple times, cheated on me and gaslighted to make me feel crazy and irrational, then he'd cheat on his new/old girl with me (unknown to my knowledge), when he did "come back", he would not actually be there, just back and forth constantly.

 

As others have already pointed out, your thread could just as easily have been titled "Why do people allow others to string them along?"

 

Giving you a pass because you were young, hopefully you're in a place now where someone can only cheat on you and leave you once. Anything beyond that is on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I genuinely did not mean to come off as a helpless victim, I know exactly why I allowed it to happen. I was 14-17, grew up neglected and bullied, I really had no healthy boundaries. I let him walk all over me because if I got him to stay, that was a hint to me that hey, maybe I am not actually unlovable? My mindset was unhealthy to say the least and I got my lesson.

 

My question still stands though, I don't wish to change it around to "why people allow it", I know why. Those are two different topics. It doesn't always have to be "stupidity" as someone mentioned, I believe most times, people just have no idea and it develops into a crazy attachment/obsession instead of love.

 

I can sympathize and even empathize with a lot of weird things people do, playing with ones emotions for the heck of it is something I still can't grasp. So I asked, I'm not sure if it ruffled anyone's feathers perhaps.

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crispytoast

Why do people string others along? This is a thread worthy topic. :p

 

I think sometimes people don't recognize how the yarn they weave is compromising the fabric of their relationship but they feel like they've already tied the knot by the time they realize they are getting to the end of their spool.

 

Is this what my friends mean when they say they think I'd make a good dad? Please don't hurt me.

 

To give you a serious answer, some people are selfish. Also, relationships are addicting, they activate the same chemicals in our brains as many powerful drugs do. For people who are hooked to that stimulation, one person might not be enough, plus they have a self-centered attachment style. These chemicals are the same reason people allow themselves to be strung along and keep coming back in obviously abusive relationships. They're also the same reason why the wildly passionate early phase of a relationship is so damn good (and also why you make irrational decisions, yeah I'm looking at you dopamine). And why people can be happy in long term relationships. Basically relationships are drugs. Do the good ones.

 

Also, when you have the realization that you are making bad decisions about a relationship but it feels so hard to stop, remember that you're on drugs.

 

Also I'm in no way endorsing drugs. Drugs are bad mkay. Don't do drugs.

Edited by crispytoast
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In his case it was a power thing / ego stroke. He loved how much you were willing to do for him.

 

Exactly. Change the affected gender and it would be same. Having that type power and influence over another individual is a fascinating thing and lends itself to abuse.

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stillafool

If you were 14-17 when this happened he was probably in that age range as well. To boys that age sex is the driving factor. His hormones, just like yours were raging at that age. I imagine if he was good looking getting laid wasn't a problem and very few boys that age are going to get serious about a girl nor should they. He probably didn't mean to hurt you or the other girls.

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The Outlaw

Anyone that strings you along will often tell you what they know you want to hear to keep you hooked for any given length of time to cater to their own ego. It's for attention. They don't care if their actions hurt anyone, because as long as they get what they want out of it, they'll just continue doing it. It's nothing more than manipulation because they've established power over you.

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Most teenagers dating other teenagers are doing what comes naturally, they are driven by sex and emotions, most are not really sitting down and plotting a scheme to take a person apart, they do things because they feel like it at the time.

Stringing people along is natural if you are a popular young person, you feel entitled to get what you want and your empathy score is pretty low. Easy come, easy go is the mantra.

 

As people age and gain experience most realise that it is not all one big game and that there are actual human beings involved and that human beings get hurt.

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Curiousroxy86

I can sympathize and even empathize with a lot of weird things people do, playing with ones emotions for the heck of it is something I still can't grasp. So I asked, I'm not sure if it ruffled anyone's feathers perhaps.

 

well what are the benefits does one get who play with anothers emotions. think about your classic F boy. what does he get that would be considered beneficial. multiple girls liking him, giving him sex, giving him money perhaps, attention, cure of boredom, social interaction, fun, access to certain crowds maybe, making him feel like the man. if one wants that and does not care about who gets hurt in the process or if they do care but its not enough care to stop going after what they want well this is why the emotions get toyed with in the process of the F boy going after what he WANTS. it goes back to that guy's self interest/selfish desires/want to (can apply to girls too).

 

if your trying to look at it from your own perspective such as I wouldnt do that well it wont make sense because thats not what you would do or even want to do.

 

im like you. I have zero desire to play with a guys emotions for the heck of it. however I can understand on a general sense that everyone do what they want with little to no care how it effects the other person and even if they do care its more of a sense of I hope it doesnt hurt the other too much but they still want what they want and will go towards what they want lol. you want a guy to be with you and only you. so you try to have a relationship like that. and a guy who you crowned as the one doesnt do what you want well you call foul. you want to treat a guy right in a relationship so you do so. you want that parking spot and you take that parking spot and dont care or think there is someone else who might not want to walk far. so everybody does what they want. the difference is your desires and my desires in comparison to the F boys of the world are perceived as more moral or considered less harmful.

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Curiousroxy86
Most teenagers dating other teenagers are doing what comes naturally, they are driven by sex and emotions, most are not really sitting down and plotting a scheme to take a person apart, they do things because they feel like it at the time.

Stringing people along is natural if you are a popular young person, you feel entitled to get what you want and your empathy score is pretty low. Easy come, easy go is the mantra.

 

As people age and gain experience most realise that it is not all one big game and that there are actual human beings involved and that human beings get hurt.

 

hm I see no difference between teens and adults when it comes to dating.

 

some people do mature with age/experiences. many do not

 

recognizing how another person feels doesn't stop the inner desires. adults do try to have better way of managing the negative feelings of another while going after what they want by lying, hiding, and pretending :laugh:

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I focused on teenagers as the OP was a teenager at the time of the hurtful events.

 

Whilst some teenagers do deliberately set out to hurt, many are acting on instinct and impulse and act from a place of ignorance and inexperience.

With age comes the capacity for some to set out to deliberately target and hurt.

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I focused on teenagers as the OP was a teenager at the time of the hurtful events.

 

Whilst some teenagers do deliberately set out to hurt, many are acting on instinct and impulse and act from a place of ignorance and inexperience.

With age comes the capacity for some to set out to deliberately target and hurt.

 

I would agree. The mistake here may have been expecting maturity from a teenage boy - while some are more mature than others, their brains are still developing and their hormones are surging... let’s keep that in perspective.

 

It’s quite sad, that you spent your teenage years dating a man who treated you so badly. These are the years that you are learning about relationships. I would suggest that you got too serious, too young. Young people are just not prepared to deal with such “grown-up” relationship issues.

Edited by BaileyB
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OP you realize the reasons you allowed him to treat you badly stem from bad experiences in your childhood.

 

Maybe he's selfish and self-absorbed and only focused on what he wants no matter how it affects anyone else because of some bad experience in his childhood.

 

Who knows why people do things, we just have to be aware that not everyone is going to have our best interests at heart and block those who treat us badly so they can't continue that bad treatment.

 

Trying to figure out someone else's motivations is a huge time suck unlikely to give us any clarity.

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mark clemson

I agree about the maturity and "doing what is natural to them" and to some extent the hormones thing for teens. However, I'd question the "decency" aspect about realizing others will get hurt. I think at least some younger people are more idealistic and at least trying to be careful with other's feelings.

 

I think later as adults some may take a more "can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs" attitude toward others' emotional hurt. As pointed out some may develop a taste for the power trip of manipulating emotions and in rarer cases may become genuine emotional sadists.

 

So while no doubt some move towards emotional compassion as they mature, others may move away, e.g. if they lose youthful ideals.

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Beendaredonedat
Example (keep in mind I was a teenager coming from a very dysfunctional family. Any love I could get, I'd hold onto it and not let go):

 

My ex left me multiple times, cheated on me and gaslighted to make me feel crazy and irrational, then he'd cheat on his new/old girl with me (unknown to my knowledge), when he did "come back", he would not actually be there, just back and forth constantly. When he left me, he often just sent me a text "maybe we should be friends instead". Just very cowardly and pathetic behavior. He never closed the door on me to let me move on, instead when I did let go, he'd bolt back to me.

 

What the hell are people like that even thinking? Why do they do that? I am definitely over my ex, but the way he made me feel (crazy, dumb, small, irrelevant), I don't think I'll ever get over that fully. And I was so young, too.

 

If they want to go, why not actually go and not torture the other party? Where is the bloody logic in stringing people along?! For years?..

 

The better question to be asking (yourself) is why do people enable others to string them along.

 

I don't ask this in malice and I haven't read any of the other posts so my bad if this has been asked but have you ever gotten therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood and your inability to know when to get yourself away from trash men and keep them away from you once you ditch them?

 

(keep in mind I was a teenager coming from a very dysfunctional family. Any love I could get, I'd hold onto it and not let go):
How old are you now and what are your romantic relationship(s) like in general. Are you still enabling men (by not leaving when they show you they are not valuing you) or have you garnered more self worth, confidence and love of self enough to chuck men like him as soon as they show their true colours? Edited by Beendaredonedat
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Sometimes we compromise our own boundaries because we think that we have no alternative or because we’re afraid of the alternative.

 

Sometimes we’re not aware that we’re enabling another person’s bad behavior.

 

 

But, now that you are aware and you are reflecting on it, you can take back the power by setting clear and uncompromising boundaries.

 

 

If you have to make a list, do it. For example, when someone treats you like you’re an option for them, and with disrespect, then you have the power to either tell that person that you don’t like their behavior or walk away or both.

 

 

You don’t have to live the rest of your life as a victim of decisions or actions you made when you were young. You probably did your best based on what you knew. So don’t blame yourself.

 

 

I realize it’s easier said than done. But now you have the power to say “No” and “The buck stops here!”

 

 

So don’t feel like you’re scarred for life, instead empower yourself to feel that you have the ability to decide how to be treated, what to put up with and where to draw the line in relationships.

 

 

I would rather be alone and even feel lonely than be with someone who makes me feel bad about myself because that person is selfish or has problems or doesn’t know any better.

 

 

Each one of us has a limit as to what we are willing to put up with. Tell yourself this is my limit, these are my boundaries and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself when someone crosses those boundaries.

 

 

Relationships are all about boundaries and humans are constantly, like toddlers testing their parents, testing boundaries to see what they can get away with in relationships.

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