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Monogamy anyone?


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pepperbird

I am a monogamous person. It's just who I am. it's not a result of effort, I don't choose to be this way, it's just who I am. It doesn't make me better than others, it's just the way the universe made me.

 

I know I'm not alone in this, but why do some seem almost desperate in their insistence that anyone can and will cheat, given the right circumstances.

 

Please, I'm not trying to start a debate about whether or not non-monogamy is the default position for humans. I couldn't care less. It's not the "default" for me, and trust me, at almost 50, I know this about myself.

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I know I'm not alone in this, but why do some seem almost desperate in their insistence that anyone can and will cheat, given the right circumstances?

 

I think that argument most often put forward by cheaters themselves in an attempt to normalize their infidelity. If they make the case it's inevitable, how can you hold them responsible?

 

Like you, I'm monogamous once I've committed. While I'd guess there are circumstances where I might divorce my wife, there's none by which I'd cheat on her. Just the way it is...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Pepperbird,

 

I understand your point and it's like the statement of ,"the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". While the clever statement makes a point, it isn't necessarily accurate.

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When I was younger, I was more of a serial monogamist . . . I never dated any one boy for more then a few weeks. I enjoyed the thrill of the chase more then being in a relationship. As I got older I learned to appreciate the comfort from being in a solid relationship. Cheating just seems too stressful . . .all that lying & covering up & making excuses. Ugh. No thanks.

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Orokotikki

In a similar vein, I find the notion of multi-dating rather repellent as well. Always have and it just wasn't the norm in my community (generic, white, suburban). I can see how it would be practical as one gets older, and common or popular in some (or even many) circles, but it just isn't for me.

 

Doesn't matter anyway though cos' I'm married.

 

"Whats a rock badger?"

"Doesn't matter, can't eat it."

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Curiousroxy86

I’m a monogamist if we are talking about exclusive relationships. I am not a cheater. And cheating is a deal breaker for me.

 

But I do multi date before exclusivity

 

Not necessarily because I want a whole bunch of suitors. I just want one man to be in a long term relationship that leads to marriage for a lifetime. But if I’m going to pick one I want to make sure I’m making the right choice and too many men (not saying most but a lot) do lie and say they focus only on you but don’t/won’t before exclusivity and I refuse to give too much head and heart space to someone I barely know. Now If a guy shows consistency and starts acting like a boyfriend then I will focus only on him. But when I first meet a guy and exchange numbers I am not going to proactively choose to focus on this handsome stranger who is not my boyfriend nor has he asked to be my boyfriend and I’m truing to get to know to even see if I want him to be my boyfriend. But that’s just me

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Multi-dating early on is fine. But the point is to move toward somebody with whom you want exclusivity

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somanymistakes
I think that argument most often put forward by cheaters themselves in an attempt to normalize their infidelity. If they make the case it's inevitable, how can you hold them responsible?

 

It's not just cheaters, it's also people who've been cheated on. Some people who've been cheated on aren't willing to end the relationship so they convince themselves that it's normal, it happens to everyone, the rest just aren't talking about it. It doesn't mean their relationship is bad or that they should leave.

 

And they're not totally wrong. A LOT of people cheat, and a LOT of relationships forgive a few indicscretions here and there.

 

But it's definitely not everybody.

 

The saddest part to me is the monogamous cheaters, the ones who will cheat but only with one mistress at a time and won't sleep with their wives while they're having affairs. It's such a bizarre doublethink! They have to know it doesn't make any sense, right?

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pepperbird

it's not that I have a problem with someone sleeping around or having lots of partners, so long as everyone knows the full story and it is all above board. Everyone has different takes on relationships and sexuality.

 

I don't know why ( and I'm not complaining) but when I am with someone, that is the only one I have eyes for. Even after I found out my spouse had been cheating and I had an opportunity to get some payback, I never could have done it.

 

For me, it's just wrong, and I would have to live with what I had done. What would that accomplish?

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Curiousroxy86
Multi-dating early on is fine. But the point is to move toward somebody with whom you want exclusivity

 

Exactly. I wholeheartedly agree.

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Curiousroxy86

I can’t stand when people who use those who value monogamy and the relationship as a source of consistent love, affection, sex, resources, loneliness cure, boredom cure, or whatever benefits one gets with having a main girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband but know damn well they are not the monogamous kind or at the least no longer monogamous towards their partner.

 

I use to think ok. If you want to sleep around and cheat why not just hook up with other people who are about that life. Why pretend, lie, or cheat? But then I realized they want the consistency that comes with having a main girl without the responsibility. If you want to be loved and admired you won’t get that from fwb and random hookups. You would get that from a loving girlfriend/spouse smh. If you want someone to have your back and that will be there. Well you got that from your girl at home and don’t have to hunt for it for a night. And vice versa for the faithful boyfriend/husband. It’s just so wrong and it sucks to be the monogamous person in a relationship like that.

 

I will admit I have become more of a realist knowing that there are people of a significant number out there in dating like this. I was very naive and think people like this are too few to be impactful. But not anymore. I do feel like monogamists in dating have to really wise up in order to avoid such situations. Many faithful people end up played because they assume the person they are dating operates by the same code without really getting to know them or paying attention to red flags.

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Orokotikki

^^^^^So true, I've said in the past it was "despicable, villainous".

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mark clemson

Hmm. Guess I'm the bad guy here then.

 

I think I'm not naturally monogamous, at least so far as my desires/urges go. However, I'm able to repress them. Flirting and masturbation gets it out of my system sufficiently. So I have remained married.

 

As most of you know I had an EA. Didn't physically cheat tho - resisted the urge. So perhaps I get some credit for that.

 

Pepperbird, I'm not sure I saw an actual question in your original post. Is there something you wanted to know? If your point is that there are some folks who are "naturally monogamous" I think you're absolutely right. My understanding is that most humans are biologically serial monogamists, with occasional trysts (trysts being optional, not mandatory). And certainly most people have mutliple BFs/GFs before what may become a lifelong marriage.

 

Culture may overlay biology with it's own expectations.

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T the ones who will cheat but only with one mistress at a time and won't sleep with their wives while they're having affairs.

 

I put them a notch above those that WILL continue to sleep with their spouses during the affair...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Also monogamous here. I wouldn’t want anything else.

 

I too think it’s an attempt to normalize and a convenient way to justify the behaviour. “If everyone else drives more than the speed limit, then I can’t possibly be speeding officer...”

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Veronica73

I’m very monogamous. No desire to cheat or mess around with multiple people at the same time. Although I guess right now, nonogamous would be more accurate.

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Anyone who has had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime isn't monogamous.

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Veronica73
Anyone who has had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime isn't monogamous.

 

Yes, technically, but usually people use the term to mean seeing one person at a time.

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Yes some people people do not use the term correctly.

 

I have only been with one sexual partner at a time and have never cheated on any of my sexual partners. Yet as a consequence of having more than one sexual partner, I am evidently not monogamous.

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monogamous

involving marriage to one person at a time.

"under Canadian law all marriages must be monogamous"

having a sexual relationship with only one partner at a time.

"she admits that she has never been strictly monogamous"

ZOOLOGY

having only one mate at a time.

"penguins form monogamous couples for breeding purposes"

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major_merrick

Nope. Not me. I've tried monogamy and failed miserably at it. Finally ended up in a polygamous marriage and it works for me. I think that monogamy is the default and the ideal, but for many it just doesn't turn out the way we want it to.

 

Some cheaters will use the "monogamy is against human nature" argument to justify what they do. That may or may not be the case. I suspect cheating is more likely to be a result of a flawed character or a lack of self control. I have been a cheater in the past, and for me it was lack of self control. I'd like to think that people can grow past that.

 

Part of what got me past cheating was non-monogamy. Another part of it was becoming a mother. Both things keep me busier than I would have been with a single partner.

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Honestly I don't know what fuels people who don't want to be monogamous. I do know that I can't really read the infidelity forums though, simply because the mindset often displayed there in regard to affairs and cheating I can't relate to on any level. It's like if I tried to read something written in Arabic almost. Not my language.

 

I get off on the intimacy I have with my wife, and that intimacy is based heavily on honesty and exclusivity. Ten swimsuit models in bikinis couldn't get me as hard as I get just spooning and talking with her in bed. That's my language.

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