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is this jealousy and a red flag?


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I'll try to be concise ;D. I was married for over 20 years, been divorced for about 4 years. Started dating recently and met someone I really like. We've been dating a couple of months. However, a few things happened and since I've been out of the dating scene for so long am I over thinking things or are they red flags.

 

1. A coworker (female) texted me outside of work hours to tell me about something that happened during the day that she didn't get a chance to tell me during the day. I shared it with my GF as we were together at that moment. I responded to the text and I thought that was the end of it. Then my GF started asking me questions like why is she texting you?(I'm the boss) Is she married?

 

I told her the truth (obviously) that she was married (I added that of course there is no attraction-there isn't) and she was just letting me know something that happened in work. Typically people do not text me outside of work (but they can if they need to) but she wanted me to know about it. My GF told me she was upset about it and I asked why. She felt that she shouldn't be texting me outside of work.

 

2. Went out with my friends for dinner. During the night, I spoke with her, naturally, and spoke with my friends as well. I included her in conversation. She seemed comfortable. She was even having her own conversations of which I was not a part. Throughout the night, I also put my arm around her. Fine, right? Later that night, she said that I barely spoke with her and ignored her. We got into a deep discussion about it. I was trying to understand what I had done but wasn't getting it (I'm an imbecile :o ?). The next day, she apologized and said that I did not do anything wrong and that it's her insecurity.

 

3. We went out for drinks and later that night when we were home she said that I was looking at another woman and not paying attention to her. I truly was not looking at anyone else. I would have said so if I was. We got into an argument about that and I said if you're going to accuse me of doing anything, please make sure that I actually do it (I know - jerky thing to say).

 

So, my question is: we've been seeing each other for a couple of months so do these seem like "red flags" or am I over analyzing things?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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The answer is simple.

Yes.

There are problems on the horizon. It will only increase.

She is insecure and "expects" to be cheated on and is on the lookout for her fears to be validated.

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Issue 1 > red flag. Bosses sometimes have to take calls after hours. It's a fact of life

 

Issue 2 > red flag. Good that she apologised, but an apology means squat if she's going to keep doing it. Thing is, an apology is only words. Change of behaviour is what really counts.

 

Issue 3 > red flag. Obviously she wasn't really sorry about issue 2 because she got all needy again the moment you looked somewhere other than at you. And your response wasn't jerky at all. It's OK to put someone in their place. Thing is, reassuring her would have simply reinforced her behaviour, so standing your ground was actually a better choice.

 

In short, you've got a deeply insecure woman. Is she otherwise good enough for you to live with this behaviour? Only time will tell.

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Thank you for the responses. Not sure if the members who posted are male or female. Would love to get a woman's perspective.

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I'm a married woman about your age.

 

Your GF answered this Q for you: She's insecure. Anything other then you being up her butt 24/7/365 will be perceived by her as lack of interest.

 

I could not handle a partner like that. I'd probably say something along the line of "I like you & I am dating you. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be dating you. If you can't develop enough self esteem to see that at least look through my eyes. I picked you. That said me dating you does not mean every other person on planet earth stopped existing. Sometimes I have to deal with work. Sometime in groups I enjoy conversations with multiple people. Stop thinking that me talking to anybody else is a death blow to our relationship or your insecurities are going to become a self fulfilling prophecy."

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Yeah, red flags for sure :(.

 

Like donnivain said, she actually verbalized that she's insecure (as if you couldn't tell). Insecurity like this is never healthy for a relationship. It would be a huge turnoff for me.

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loversquarrel

As others have pointed out she has told you loud and clear that she is insecure. I am male but have been with a woman who was eerily similar to what you are describing. It seems everything you do including things beyond your control are setting off triggers for her. She is not ready for a healthy relationship and needs to work on her insecurities with some IC. If she neglects to do this then you will find yourself in a toxic relationship with a very insecure and controlling person.

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First things first. You're the boss. Nip that employee contacting you after hours before she makes a habit of it. Just don't answer usually works. Wait until business hours to answer it and just ignore her and if that doesn't send a message, it should, but you'd need to say something, "Unless it's an emergency, I don't want to get texts after hours."

 

Next, yes, your girlfriend is extra insecure. Yes, it will be a problem. But no, she's not really out of line for being mad a woman at work is contacting you after hours because when you're at work, girlfriends have no idea what is going on with you there, so when a woman takes it afterhours, married or not, it raises a legitimate red flag, plus YOU can control it as the boss, so this tells her you must like it.

 

But other than that, she's overly insecure. I guess she's jealous of you being friendly to any other women even in her presence. She might need to work on that through therapy and get healthier, but I will say it's not like women in general have no reason to be suspicious of their men, because nearly all of us have been cheated on and anyone who has finds it hard to trust again (and that goes for men who are cheated on too).

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mark clemson

I'm a guy, but I'll suggest you do a little internet research on anxious-preoccupied attachment style anyhow. ;)

 

Hastas...

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Gretchen12

Red flag means something small that's a sign of deeper problems. You are already experiencing the problem itself.

 

Specifically, this is the problem: (I've cut-paste what is going on in your post).

 

1. My GF started asking me questions like why is she texting you? My GF told me she was upset about it.

 

2. She said that I barely spoke with her and ignored her. We got into a deep discussion about it.

 

3. She said that I was looking at another woman and not paying attention to her. We got into an argument about that.

 

It is control. Using jealousy as a way to control. People can be insecure, but only some of the insecure people will consistently make their insecurity your fault. She accuses you, then you defend yourself. This is what is happening.

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Michelle ma Belle

Woman here and yes, this is insecurity at it's worst.

 

Red flags and bright orange caution cones all around her. Enter at your own risk.

 

The fact that she told you? Fair warning. She doesn't sound like someone who has any desire to work on her insecurities so she's basically throwing it on YOU to change for HER. She's laying the groundwork that she's going to be a problem.

 

Proceed with caution. These types of relationships rarely end well.

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Thank you everyone for your responses. They were very helpful and have made me rethink this relationship. To be honest, I'm surprised I even picked up on these signs at all. Thought I was just overthinking things. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to relationships:lmao:

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to relationships:lmao:

 

But you are, apparently! :) Maybe you've turned over a new leaf. :lmao:

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I could not handle a partner like that.

 

Amen. OP, she’s shown you who she is, not going to turn into Norman Vincent Peale in the foreseeable future. This will only get worse, this early on she’s trying to put her best foot forward.

 

I’d also question how effectively someone can care for you that doesn’t seem to like herself very much...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited by Mr. Lucky
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This is what you get after only a couple of months, imagine in a year, her jealousy will extend to your family members, neighbors, your dentist. It's not worth pursuing, end it now.

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This is what you get after only a couple of months, imagine in a year, her jealousy will extend to your family members, neighbors, your dentist. It's not worth pursuing, end it now.

 

I agree with this.

Normally jealousy comes in much later, and only if one gives the other a valid reason.

If you have given her no reason to be insecure, and have an otherwise healthy relationship, this is an extreme red flag!

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