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Why relationships fail: my theory


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EVeryone says it is either money or sex that does it, and that is usually true. But something more fundamental is there: apathy. No one will admit it or tell their partner that he or she has gradually stopped caring or is interested in aspects of their SO's life, maybe everything. It is partly boredom and largely indifference to little things, then big issues. And I think this is true of non romantic relationships. Apathy eats away at the bond until little is left like an onion., no one cares or is interested where I live or what I do, as I am single and alone. It's the way people are around the world. It is normal.

 

However, for some, just the opposite is true: they are overly interested and care too much about things and this tilts the relationship lopsided. Extreme pettiness can kill it off, too.

 

You agree?

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Boredom is definitely a factor. Monotony. You have to really like someone's personality and it be mutual before there can be much lasting power.

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It's a function of wrong expectations. Two people have to function as a team, which takes empathy & effort. People think everything including relationships are disposable. Like too many aspects of life these days, people can't or won't compromise. They don't work through problems together. They just walk away.

 

DH & I had been married for a little over 2 years when we went on a European vacation with my family. I was rushed & stressed. When I got the temporary replacement phone from the phone company which had a sim card that would work in Europe I asked DH to program it & transfer my # to that device. I needed to be able to contact work from the trip. He didn't do it because he didn't understand that it had to be done before we left the US. I didn't follow up but when I went to use the phone in Europe it didn't work. I was furious & he was pissed because he felt like it wasn't his responsibility to do something that I needed for work. He felt like I should have done it myself or had my secretary do it. We had a big ugly public fight. When I rejoined my family they were making plans to get us separate rooms, to book him a flight home & to get me a divorce lawyer. I was Dumb founded. Yes I was mad & so was DH, but I wasn't about to end my marriage over a phone. It was already Saturday night. I was going to be able to fix it as soon as the store opened on Monday. I walked away from my extended family & found my husband to tell him I was sorry. I also told him what my family was thinking. He was as perplexed as I was. We both just wanted to be mad at each other a little while longer; we never stopped loving each other. Granted all of the relatives giving me this advice were themselves divorced, except my father. He only went along with the party line because he'd never actually seen me that angry at anybody before.

 

So I think people just throw in the towel too easily over dumb stuff.

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Hmmm, good topic, LuckyM!!!

 

I think it’s a mixture of all those things, but stemming from a general, systemic inability to fully communicate clearly. I feel, especially the lengthier the relationship, the comfort with each other works against you. It becomes too easy to take for granted the feeling of being “understood.” So, because there’s an overall knowledge and “we know each other so well” aspect to the relationship (which is what we all want and is inherently good!!), it’s easy to assume the partners know automatically what we want or mean or need. So, we cut communication corners.

 

d0nnivain’s example is a perfect illustration of that happening; both thought they were on the same page, but so no further discussion took place and they had an unfortunate very public argument. Thankfully, no lasting harm was done!!

 

I think if this happens continuously over time, especially as people change and grow, this turns into a much larger communication gap that eroded the foundation of the relationship until people don’t recognize each other anymore.

 

Sometimes, if both people are active in the relationship, bridges get built and all parties involved actively prevent the gap from growing. But you have to both work for clarity every day. This is the part of relationships that is “work.”

 

Other times, people are distracted or tired or wait for a never arriving “tomorrow” (the Scarlet O’Hara Approach) or insert head into sand (Ostrich Approach) or decide it’s the other person’s job to manage or any reason really, letting the tiny gap morph into the Grand Canyon. When it gets to this point, this is when people just give up IMO.

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Never known people that'd be so small minded as to think it could be just one of two things.

l couldn't believe anyone would even think like that.

 

lt could be anything , but basically people just need to get along and be into each other first of all and want the same things, without those basics your not gonna have a relationship let alone lasting. lt creates problems in all sorts of things, and it just wouldn't work but who knows what the final crunch could be, anything. Simply it all causing out of love would probably be up there though.

Edited by chillii
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I've never bought into the theory that a good relationship should be easy, requiring little effort. If it has value to me and I want to keep it, I have to be realistic enough to understand it takes work to do so. Whether I'm growing a garden, starting a business or sustaining a marriage, cultivation is needed. Trouble starts when one or both parties lose sight of this fact...

 

Mr. Lucky

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As Dr. Phil likes to say, you know that a relationship is done when both partners reach a place of apathy. People must be invested for a relationship to be successful.

 

Why they would become apathetic could be related to any number of things...

Edited by BaileyB
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LoverOfDance

@donnivain - if your husband had agreed to help with the phone then he should have done it. It is not his responsibility BUT if he had agreed to help out, he should have kept his word and should have done what he said he would do.

 

If he had said he would help out then he was wrong for not keeping his word. This situation just shows that he can be unreliable sometimes. Does he even care to fix this? A man that loves you would want to be someone you can rely on.

 

This is not something to get a divorce over but it is definitely something to work through.

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Eternal Sunshine

The lack of instinctive, powerful, crazy attraction on either side. That can stick you together like a glue and never really goes away, even after decades together. No matter what other incompatibilities are there. Those relationships are not always healthy but human emotion has always been more powerful than logic. Unfortunately, this is not easy to find and it's even harder for it to be mutual.

 

 

 

So people enter into relationships for companionship reasons or to fill that "partner" slot. Those relationships are easily replaceable and there is not much incentive to stick it out through difficult times. It also depends I on the partners market dating value, tolerance for change and risk (strugglers are willing to put up with much more). It's all really simple when people are not afraid to face the truth.

Edited by Eternal Sunshine
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LoverOfDance

@EternalSunshine - this crazy attraction you're talking about is actually infatuation and sometimes it can be obsession. I've felt this before. It can feel like this kind of feelings can keep two ppl together but i promise you that they can't. When the relationship gets toxic and unhealthy enough, ppl eventually split.

 

 

If you're looking for crazy and intense attraction, you're looking for the wrong thing.

 

My partner and I have been together a long time. My feelings for him are not irrational or intense. I simply love and care for him. I didn't choose him based on my feelings for him. I chose him because he treated me better than any other man i have ever come across. I chose him based on the way he treated me. My feelings for him came after and grew with time. I love him because no man has ever loved me better than him.

 

EternalSunshine, i know you didn't ask for this advice but i will offer it anyway. Don't look for intense, senseless attraction. When you finally have it reciprocated, the relationship might not turn out to be what you thought it would be.

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DrReplyInRhymes
The lack of instinctive, powerful, crazy attraction on either side. That can stick you together like a glue and never really goes away, even after decades together. No matter what other incompatibilities are there. Those relationships are not always healthy but human emotion has always been more powerful than logic. Unfortunately, this is not easy to find and it's even harder for it to be mutual.

 

 

 

So people enter into relationships for companionship reasons or to fill that "partner" slot. Those relationships are easily replaceable and there is not much incentive to stick it out through difficult times. It also depends I on the partners market dating value, tolerance for change and risk (strugglers are willing to put up with much more). It's all really simple when people are not afraid to face the truth.

 

While I agree that attraction can both intense or subtle, I don't agree with calling intense attraction anything other than intense attraction as others may argue against you.

 

I think that intense attraction can die out as well - just as much as it can grow beyond anything you ever imagined. For some reason, experiences may have taught others that those relationships didn't last - so they think that it can't last for anyone. I disagree now, and I disagree forevermore.

 

While I would be happy with a non-intense attraction toward someone, I'm looking for the intensity. I want the "oh my God" feeling when I come across a woman. Does that mean I wouldn't accept a different woman with a less than intense feeling that grew over time? No, not at all. I would just prefer to build atop an intense foundation of attraction rather than the latter.

 

As for the question at hand: I always think that as long as two people set at least one of their goals to be together, nothing can keep them apart. If one of them do not want to make things work, they won't. To put it in a very easy and elementary comparison - you won't catch a fish if you don't have a line in the water. In other words - if one of you doesn't want a relationship - you aren't going to create one.

 

I've been reminded that love isn't enough - even though I love her. Her idea of a relationship included things I, apparently, could not provide for her. I'm starting to learn that as much as I think I understand love, relationships require more than just love.

 

I unfortunately do not agree - I don't think I ever will. Any problems a relationship can cause can be solved as long as the love is there. However, unfortunately, a relationship can't exist without both people wanting the same thing - a relationship. This would explain why relationships exist even without love - another pitfall I would want to avoid entirely. This also explains why love can be present, yet a relationship does not exist.

 

To the latter - I ask: Why? Why not just make it happen? The list of excuses doesn't matter - it's a self-imposed regulation. Do away with that - all you need is love - the rest of the problems should be solved with the person or persons that you love.

 

To support my thesis: An arguably famous love story: Romeo and Juliet. Nothing kept them apart - not even death. Have you met someone, ever, who could say they shared that same goal as you? To refuse to be apart, no matter the cost?

 

It doesn't get much simpler than that. Go ahead and give your best argument against it: I'd love to hear how love is wrong or misunderstood.

Edited by DrReplyInRhymes
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The lack of instinctive, powerful, crazy attraction on either side. That can stick you together like a glue and never really goes away, even after decades together.

 

I've felt that attraction in every good LTR I've been in - for 12-18 months. It's a phenomenon well-documented, including causes and timeline.

 

The question becomes what the partners bring to the table when the relationship transitions beyond this...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Curiousroxy86

Number one reason imo is simply compatibility

 

Many people enter into relationships off of attraction and mutual interest

 

And try to make it work

 

But it don’t work because there are flaws that one or both can’t accept

 

don’t agree on things that either one partner place great value in or can’t respect and accept those differences

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So I think people just throw in the towel too easily over dumb stuff.

Sometimes I think people don't throw the towel fast enough. We are surrounded by couples that have been unhappy for years, couples that cheat, couples that are abusive, etc and they stay in these relationship years and years.

 

 

 

I think the succes to a happy relationship is to dump the bad ones asap so you can get to that good relationship that will last you a life time.

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I think compatibility and maturity is the key to a happy relationship.

 

 

 

Marrying too young, young women with unrealistic expectations, women marrying too fast for fear of not conceiving, emotional dependency, fear of being alone, all this make bad dysfunctional relationships.

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I think compatibility and maturity is the key to a happy relationship.

 

 

 

Marrying too young, young women with unrealistic expectations, women marrying too fast for fear of not conceiving, emotional dependency, fear of being alone, all this make bad dysfunctional relationships.

 

financials cause a lot of issues too

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Donivan. Could you not use E-mail to communicate any work issues? You're on Vacation. So what cannot wait till you get back, or say I will check E-mails at a certain time. Like in Europe 3 pm and 6 pm. All issues have to be brought to your attention in that timeframe. You get back to say that you saw the E-mail and will deal with the situation when you get back or send a quick E-mail dealing with.

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Mysterio, many people use their phones to access email. And it certainly saves carting a laptop around while on vacation.

 

Perhaps you work a job where things won't go pear shaped if you can't be in contact. I too have a job where *someone* must be available in case of emergency. If there's no replacement, then I deal with emergencies while on vacation until there's coverage. It can be sucky, but not all jobs have the luxury of saying "wait till I get back in two weeks"

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Curiousroxy86
I think compatibility and maturity is the key to a happy relationship.

 

 

 

Marrying too young, young women with unrealistic expectations, women marrying too fast for fear of not conceiving, emotional dependency, fear of being alone, all this make bad dysfunctional relationships.

 

I full on agree with both posts. So spot on.

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I still think that apathy is under rated as an important factor--in everything, including relationships. Students, for example, are notoriously apathetic in school. Hard or impossible to motivate someone who doesn't care, not interested at all. But no one will admit it. Instead, they claim they are busy.

 

look at it is as an investment. Is this marriage, say, past the point of diminishing returns? ARe you getting some returns, payoffs? If it was a stock, would you invest more money, reduce your share, or sell? Are you still getting dividends? Or maybe it is verging on bankruptcy. Obviously, love and caring cannot be reduced to a business model, but it is a thought experiment.

The same can be said for friendships, but there, the stakes are much lower.

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I feel that when your in a relationship.. Both parties should put the effort in to make it work it shouldn't be a one way street...

 

It shouldn't just be attraction that make you wanna stay with that person, you gotta have common ground & want the same things in life,

 

Any issues you should talk to each other & Sort things out not keep them to yourself & let things boil over...

 

That's why too many couples break up as one party gets bored because the other one doesn't put enough effort into the relationship...

 

E.G like the other day when we met up My girlfriend (nearly 7 months) chatted to me (Face to Face) and voiced her concern & said that feels bad that she keep organizing things most of the time & doesn't like when I say what do u wanna do your choice etc. she wants me to plan fun things to do & surprise her every now & then...

 

As she worried/have small doubts about the future (Only since holiday) etc as can't imagine me having kids/me living with away from home etc as she wants me to incontrol of things. but still loves me and she not going anywhere I listened to what she had say and decided to act on it so all good

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Dandelioness

 

I was furious & he was pissed .. We had a big ugly public fight.. my family were making plans to get us separate rooms, to book him a flight home & to get me a divorce lawyer.. my dad only went along because he'd never actually seen me that angry at anybody before.

 

LOL!! I suppose since they hadn't seen you that pissed before, they thought there was something more brewing beneath. Did you slap him or kick a fence or something? :D

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Reasons for break up by Mysterio.

 

I have written this before.

 

Age 18 to 48.

 

1989. I was 18. PM was my GF. I broke up with her because she liked to start mini fights and it was tiring.

 

1990-TK. Broke up with her, because I needed more physical affection from her. Not just sex.

 

1995. CS was still sort of on the fence with us and she was sort of hung up on her ex BF. Did not care about my feeling at all. So I got out of it and I was depressed about it for a long time.

 

1997-DS was a flirtation, but she had a BF and it was not what I was into.

 

2000. A Married woman T came into my life. Befriended me. Tried to make moves on me. I ended it because it was too much of a soap opera.

 

2003-NF was an FWB that popped up. I did not want her as a GF, she had an on again off again BF.

 

2003-JO. She said she had a crush on me. We sort of mutually decided to end it. She said she could not be tamed. The physical was there. The interesting conversation for me to her. I found her spacier.

 

2006 met R on match .com. Went out of a month. She said we did not have much in common. I let it go no problem.

 

2012 met A through Match. One date that's it.

 

2012 met DD through E-harmony. Went out for 6 Months. She wanted to have kids right away. I did not, so she broke up with me. I let it happen. On my side. I need a lot of physical affection, which I projected she would not be able to sustain with me. We are still friends. She had a baby on her own through in-vitro. Nothing with the other guys worked out after me.

 

2013. AK. Went on a really great date. It id not work out. She was moving to another city.

 

2015. Met T on Match.com. She had two twin boys and was separated. She said she did not feel the chemistry, which was fine. I just was a bit aggravated that she was separated looking for love. Why not get divorced before you head into that arena.

 

2017. RH. Met at the gym she was an aerobics instructor. I asked her out. At Lunch, I wanted to confirm her status. She said she was married. I wondered in my head, why she agreed to go to lunch with me.

 

Currently nothing at the moment. I think for me. This year. I am going to pray for a favourable outcome. My efforts don't work out as much.

 

On my side. I don't put up with BS. Not that all the women were problematic. Its just that if I am not treated well. Even in friendship and work. There will be turbulence. I have to get out of the headspace of perfection because life can't be that way for the most part.

 

So that basically 12 significant relationships. There were mini relationships in there as well. I just did not count them as much. I guess if I look at the yr date and did some sort of off the cuff stat. The next woman I should meet should be this yr or 2020. The thing for me is will it be stable to go into an LTR. All the women are born in the 1970's or 80's. I met them at a place they frequent all the time. So it was not a random place they are not regulars. I am such a deep thinker/introspective guy. I am not just cracking jokes and don't care about anything. I sort of have to go into it slowly. So its not lets date, or I have feelings right away. Thats the pattern I see for myself. At this stage of 48. I should know what will work. I have to sort of feel this for a woman. The physical attraction where I can see making out and making love to her. Mixed with having deep long interesting conversations and laughs. Add to that. I have to feel like she is batting back inteaction towards me in a positive way as well. Add to that again. She has to be single or telegraphing it to me.

Edited by Mysterio
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