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Asking permission


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Engaged in a friendly debate with a co-worker recently. Dating and romance came up. She tried to convince me that many women want to be asked permission to be kissed.

 

I laughed and called BS. I then said "You're telling me it wouldn't be a huge turn off deep down if a guy you were attracted to on a first date asked permission to kiss you goodnight?" She tried to keep a straight face saying she'd like the "mutual respect". But then admitted it'd be hot if a guy read her well enough to know she wanted to be kissed.

 

So ladies, have you ever had any first date experiences where a guy asked to kiss you and what was your gut reaction?

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I think it goes back to how well a man can read body language. If he knows what mutual chemistry feels like and knows she wants to be kissed, then he should kiss her. However, if he's not good at reading body language or is unsure that it's mutual, he should ask. No woman wants a man who she's not attracted to trying to kiss her.

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I'veseenbetterlol

The guy doesn't need to ask for permission. When I was dating, if I didn't like a guy, I would give him my cheek.

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Pretty easy to tell if she'd like to be kissed but eh, l think this come up here a few mths ago and most of the women said asking would be a turn off.

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So ladies, have you ever had any first date experiences where a guy asked to kiss you and what was your gut reaction?

 

Based on your screen name I'm sure this idea is antithetical to you.

 

 

That said, it's not my favorite thing because I tend to prefer very confident men, almost to the point of cocky arrogance. That type rarely asks for anything. But if the man was sweet & simply being respectful rather than a timid rabbit it's not that bad. When a man did it because he wasn't reading my body language correctly . . . i.e. I was a fair distance away, not making doe eyes & leaning back rather than in, the Q was another nail in the poor guy's coffin as further evidence he wasn't my type.

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I think I said it here before

 

"can I give you a kiss" It always worked for me anyway,( or 3 in every 10 back in the day which was not bad)

 

"worked" maybe a little worryingly is the operative word ,

 

I think I am ready to get back in the game though so we will see does it still work!!!

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littleblackheart

It's highly dependent on whether the woman in the scenario actually is attracted enough to the guy in the first place, as Basil said.

 

If for whatever reason the vibe isn't mutual, asking or not probably wouldn't change the course of things.

 

Personally (and from experience), I find outwardly aggressive men who confuse dominance with confidence or self-assurance to be extremely off putting, and I've never met any said aggressive man (the type who goes for a kiss regardless of the signs given) who doesn't have some underlying anger management / ego issues.

 

But if the 'chemistry' and all the signs are already there, I'm not sure asking or not would be a major vibe killer.

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salparadise

This is just #metoo bulls*t. Not that #metoo is wrong about sexual assault, they just gain a bit of traction and then get carried away.

 

If she doesn't want to be kissed, it's a fair assumption that there won't be another date anyway so you've got nothing to lose. If she does want to be kissed she'll want you to know it and be bold enough to go for it. There is no scenario where you'd be better off asking.

 

My ex-gf was/is a feminist and an advocate of affirmative consent. She was talking to me about how she will educate her son that he needs to ask permission each time before touching a girl, and as touching escalates. I asked her if she remembered how it went between she and I, and how she'd feel if I started practicing that approach (she was sexually submissive, liked it rough, physical). She said, well that's different... she never understood that while she could embrace the theory in her head and dismiss it in real life, that her son would have to actually reconcile this stuff in useful way. The only thing she was sure of was that if she said it, it was correct.

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Salsa, you’re making it very much about the man and that he’s got nothing to lose. But unless he’s kissing the mirror, there are two people involved. Yes, I guess that she could extricate herself from an unwanted embrace and run from the car into her house, but do you really think it’s OK for a guy to make her feel so uncomfortable? Because it sounds like you think it’s cool.

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salparadise
Salsa, you’re making it very much about the man and that he’s got nothing to lose. But unless he’s kissing the mirror, there are two people involved. Yes, I guess that she could extricate herself from an unwanted embrace and run from the car into her house, but do you really think it’s OK for a guy to make her feel so uncomfortable? Because it sounds like you think it’s cool.

 

No, not at all. I'd never try to kiss a woman if the vibe wasn't there, and I'd never want her to feel uncomfortable or anything like that. I guess it's possible that one could misread the signals... I'm just saying the same thing that the women who've posted have said. If she like the guy and wants to be kissed, then she wants him to have enough confidence to kiss her. Otherwise, in my experience it will be obvious.

 

All of this new rule-making in the name of PCness is not consistent with how things actually are. It's way too presumptive for someone to make up a new rule and declare that from now on this is how it shall be. It's like thinking you can change the law of gravity by declaring it to be obsolete –– #gravityobsoete

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Ruby Slippers

The rare times a man has asked for permission to kiss me or escalate physical activities, I've felt disappointed and turned off, as if he's handing over all the control to me because he lacks confidence.

 

Ideally he's smart and intuitive enough to read your body language and go for the kiss at the right time.

 

I've never had to turn my cheek or deflect a kiss. I imagine that would be a very awkward turn-off.

 

In general, women want men who know how to take charge and lead the action. It doesn't mean we can't do it - but we want to know that the man has got it handled so we can relax.

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Total turn off if asked. Sorry but it may have worked during the Victorian age....

We all know women love confident men, men who can read a woman's desire to. And yes a man is a man when he takes the lead/ takes charge.

Just like those corny movies in the 50's when that guy would grab and kiss a women in the heat of an argument...then she would slap him in that face...then they go at it again. That kind of thing made the female movie goer's toes curl.

Edited by smackie9
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littleblackheart

I've had a handful of experiences of men trying to force a kiss on me and the last thing I wanted was for them to try again. I found nothing toe curling whatsoever about it.

 

I may be an outlier, but I prefer men who are responsive, respectful and confident. I've never been 'asked' for a kiss (that's not in my culture anyway, I didn't even know it was a thing) but on principle, I prefer someone who asks than someone who forces himself on me.

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I've had a handful of experiences of men trying to force a kiss on me and the last thing I wanted was for them to try again. I found nothing toe curling whatsoever about it.

 

I may be an outlier, but I prefer men who are responsive, respectful and confident. I've never been 'asked' for a kiss (that's not in my culture anyway, I didn't even know it was a thing) but on principle, I prefer someone who asks than someone who forces himself on me.

My comment wasn't about men "forcing themselves" on a woman. If you have ever watched any of those early movies, the man was a hunky movie star (the reason why female movie goers were there) and there was sexual tension between the two characters. If there was a man portrayed as being aggressive sexually/unwanted advances, the hero (hunky movie star) would rush in and recuse the starlet. That silly kind of stuff people enjoyed in those days.

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Engaged in a friendly debate with a co-worker recently. Dating and romance came up. She tried to convince me that many women want to be asked permission to be kissed.

 

I laughed and called BS. I then said "You're telling me it wouldn't be a huge turn off deep down if a guy you were attracted to on a first date asked permission to kiss you goodnight?" She tried to keep a straight face saying she'd like the "mutual respect". But then admitted it'd be hot if a guy read her well enough to know she wanted to be kissed.

 

So ladies, have you ever had any first date experiences where a guy asked to kiss you and what was your gut reaction?

You called it right OP.

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Lotsgoingon

Tough one ... because socially skilled guys ... get a body language affirmative consent before moving in for a kiss. They can read the woman's body language, read the energy ... and kiss at the right moment.

 

So yes, it's a little awkward for a guy to ask formally for the kiss ... to exaggerate, it's sorta like asking "can I hold your hand?" Or ... "Can I ask you out again."

 

On the other hand ... Lord, the stories I've heard from women who have had guys try to kiss them when there was no such energy-chemistry between them ... They hated those guys ... Called them sleazy and worse ...

 

Explicit verbal consent ... no ... I don't think you need that ... before ... clear body language consent ... like if I'm holding a woman's hand and walking down the street and she's being affectionate to me ... no, I don't need to stop and ask for the kiss.

 

The problem is that there are A LOT of socially unskilled guys who can't read chemistry.

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If a man discovers that he can't read body language and is in the dark about when a woman is turned off by him, then it might be best to ask. I never would have thought it would be hard to tell those things, but being on Loveshack has proven that there are indeed people who are socially clueless and the number is growing.

 

I advise those people to start with a small polite touch or hand holding and not progress unless that goes well.

 

Personally, I would find it comical and weak if a guy asked to kiss me and I wouldn't want to kiss someone that's so socially off that he can't tell if I like him or not.

Edited by preraph
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Gretchen12

I've only been asked that once in my whole life and we were both under 20. If a guy ever tried to ask me now, I'll just say yes you may, and offer him my hand to kiss, and see what he does.

 

If a guy doesn't know to back down when a woman deflects, then he cannot be trusted and it's a bad idea to say yes. If a guy needs permission the first time, then he'll need permission every single time. Even a husband cannot force himself on the wife, and a woman can change her mind mid-kiss.

 

So if he can't back off when deflected, he cannot be trusted. If he is responsive and knows when to back off then he doesn't need to ask permission.

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littleblackheart
there was sexual tension between the two characters.

 

No asking needed in that case, obviously.

 

I just think giving blanket 'women love take-charge, leading men' statements can be misinterpreted by men who want to appear 'strong' or dominant' and go for the kiss regardless of the signals given to appear manly.

 

I know it happens, because I've lived it when younger.

 

I don't personally think a man who reads your body language or vibe well and goes for a kiss is any sort of take charge guy, leading man type. He's just emotionally well-wired.

Edited by littleblackheart
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Like just about everything else if a person is interested, then there is a lot of leeway, if not interested there is none.

Socially adept people tend to get their timings right and asking permission for a kiss may be perfectly acceptable and seen as romantic and respectful.

Wrong guy, wrong timings and it is seen as weak, creepy or a huge turn off.

 

We are no longer in the 80's when men got away with "murder" and women put up with it, we live in a different age, forcing a woman into kissing against her will, is no longer seen as cool and may get a person arrested...

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mark clemson

Think the issue is thinking there is just one right answer. Too many variables (for such a simple thing!).

 

The woman in question, the man in question, the "chemistry", the timing and specifics of the asking/not asking. A million ways to blow it AND a million ways to do it right.

 

Agree that reading the other person well is quite important. Going for a kiss just slowly enough to give the woman time to respond with body language and show whether she's interested or not is the simplest form of "making a move" IMO. Think there is often a "knowing" look between the two just beforehand, which is then confirmed (or not) as the kiss is initiated.

Edited by mark clemson
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I don't know how people ever get a kiss in anymore with everyone's head buried in their phones.

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I am enjoying the comments here, interesting as always (or most times)

 

 

yes have a particular interest, as after a lot of false dawns I quite like this lady I met about a month ago,

 

 

3rd date coming up so I think had better go for the kiss,

 

 

hmmn maybe I will not ask permission, I will just go for it right moment and all that,

 

 

will keep an open mind anyway!

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