How to display availability without scaring men off?

[Hopeful30]

In the past, I've been fearful of expressing my desire to find a longterm partner because I've been victim to stigma -- that it's desperate and unattractive if a woman wants longterm or serious. Though I am available for a longterm partner, I'm still open to other forms of interaction with men, be it casual, emotional or sexual.

 

I am looking for something real and longterm, but that doesn't mean I'm automatically closed off to everything else. My question is, how can I demonstrate my availability for relationship without men thinking that's the only thing I'm after?

[losangelena]

I was not aware that wanting an actual relationship was a stigma. Yikes.

 

Look, i think you DO want to scare off men for whom that would seem unattractive. There are likeminded men who will not balk at your admission.

 

As for being open to other things, I think that’s fairly common. If that’s the case, I think you take it on a case by case basis. Spend time with a guy and determine if he has long term potential FOR YOU and proceed accordingly.

 

And if a guy asks you what you’re looking for, you can be honest and say that you’re looking for a relationship with the right person, but you’re open to some fun along the way.

[d0nnivain]

Smile & have boundaries. Project that you have a great life & are looking for a quality person to share that with not that you need a man to have a great life

[Redhead14]

If you're displaying ability, strength, intelligence, stability, independence and security, you aren't scaring men off . . . the boys are scared, the men will admire and support you.

 

Just be you and let things happen naturally. Make time for a new man who shows interest, but keep your own life intact. Don't stop doing things that interest you or drop everything for them all the time. Have boundaries, yet be inviting and sincere. Be receptive, don't do much, if any, pursuing in the beginning. Later, you can start doing a little more initiating so they guy doesn't feel like he's doing all the work. It's about keeping things balanced really.

 

But, most important is communicating. Fairly early on it's OK to say you're seeking a long-term relationship and find out where he's at in terms of overall dating goals. If you're on the same page in terms of goals in general, then just let things happen as they will without projecting too far out about the current scenario and unconsciously, perhaps, trying to force it to develop. Relax.

Edited April 8, 2019 by Redhead14

[Wallysbears]

I was straight forward back when I was dating that I wasn't looking for "casual". I also wasn't looking for a man to be my "everything"

 

I had a fulfilling life, career, etc...and hoped to find someone to share it with.

 

I had zero desire (or really time as I wanted a family) to just do casual dating. So I made that abundantly clear from the beginning.

 

I think there is a fine line to be walked though...between being clear that you are seeking a relationship and coming across as desperate. Just be careful to avoid the desperate and you'll be fine.

[Orokotikki]

Though I am available for a longterm partner, I'm still open to other forms of interaction with men, be it casual, emotional or sexual.

 

Some men who are interested in long term are not interested in casual.

[Wallysbears]

Some men who are interested in long term are not interested in casual.

 

I think many men would accept casual if it is offered to them even when they are truly looking for something more substantial.

 

Which is part of the reason why I'd also caution other women that are truly seeking a LTR/marriage to not go sleeping with men, etc. casually if they see that man as someone they want a LTR with.

[Ami1uwant]

The OP sounds she hasn’t even gotten to the point of casual or serious...she just trying to get a date.

 

How socialally approachable are you

Woukd yiu dare coworkers?

Have you tried dating sites?

[Gretchen12]

Whoa! I think you're doing this all wrong. Available is good. Desperate is bad. You can only appear not desperate if you are actually not desperate. But wanting a LTR while settling for casual is being desperate. Don't accept scraps! You're doing yourself a disservice and wasting away your years when you settle for a string of casual relationships, many sexual partners, that keep you off the market for the serious good men. Have high standards and men will meet those standards and feel good about themselves. That's makes you a keeper.

[smackie9]

So what issues are you having? Are you being rejected by men because you tell them that you are looking for long term?

I just find that odd because I know more men looking for long term than casual.

[basil67]

I didn't know there was a stigma. How have you been victim to it?

[alphamale]

I didn't know there was a stigma. How have you been victim to it?

 

yea i'd like to know the answer too

[TheFinalWord]

Guy here. It's not so much that a guy is going to think you're thirsty for wanting a relationship, it's more of a problem if you find yourself trying to change a guy that isn't boyfriend material into being what he isn't. Don't try to change a guy. He is either a prospective boyfriend when you meet him, or he's not.

 

Be straightforward in what you are looking for. If the man's actions aren't lining up with what you are looking for, cut him off and move to the next. Don't give yourself to someone until you see who they are. Don't think you can use sex to keep him or change him. A common trap women fall into.

 

Flakiness, immaturity, pushing for sex before you're ready, not sticking to his word, all signs he's playing games. You have to screen people out, don't rely on the other person to do it. There are lots of men that want something real too. The problem is there are a lot of players too. If you've dated long enough, you probably know the signs, flags, and behaviors of game players. If not, you can post about it here too. Good luck.

[Hopeful30]

Some men who are interested in long term are not interested in casual.

 

Even if an attractive woman shows interest? Is a man really going to pass her up while 'waiting' for the long term lady?

 

I think many men would accept casual if it is offered to them even when they are truly looking for something more substantial.

 

Which is part of the reason why I'd also caution other women that are truly seeking a LTR/marriage to not go sleeping with men, etc. casually if they see that man as someone they want a LTR with.

 

That was my initial attitude...I haven't had sex in 4 years

 

The OP sounds she hasn’t even gotten to the point of casual or serious...she just trying to get a date.

 

How socialally approachable are you

Woukd yiu dare coworkers?

Have you tried dating sites?

 

I am very approachable. I have often been described as friendly and open. Talking to men isn't the problem, but when romance is involved, for some reason they always assume I'm either taken or have very high expectations (this is only true for how I expect to be treated -- no woman should tolerate anything less than respect and consideration, everything else is less important in comparison I think).

 

Whoa! I think you're doing this all wrong. Available is good. Desperate is bad. You can only appear not desperate if you are actually not desperate. But wanting a LTR while settling for casual is being desperate. Don't accept scraps! You're doing yourself a disservice and wasting away your years when you settle for a string of casual relationships, many sexual partners, that keep you off the market for the serious good men. Have high standards and men will meet those standards and feel good about themselves. That's makes you a keeper.

 

Right....and that's what I have been doing, and I haven't had sex in years and only very few dates lol

 

So what issues are you having? Are you being rejected by men because you tell them that you are looking for long term?

I just find that odd because I know more men looking for long term than casual.

 

I find that the men I date either want sex or a sexual relationship (not sure what about me gives that vibe, I've literally not had sex in years and very few partners) or they tell me I'm "not what they expected" and for some reason this puts them off.

 

I didn't know there was a stigma. How have you been victim to it?

 

I've been told that I'm "too serious" just because I don't play games with men and want a relationship to develop eventually (so I don't tolerate things that are usually tolerated when you're not serious about someone longterm). I don't sleep around, I never have. I think opening your legs to some strange penis is gross. I've been told that I "don't enjoy myself" and "expect too much from a man" just because I want relationship material instead of making a man relationsihp material. I've even been told that by being so "serious" I will never find anyone, that I need to date around and be more promiscuous to widen my selection of potential boyfriends. In other words, I've been told to "be less serious" about finding a man so that I have more sex and more chances to date.

 

This hurts my feelings to be honest, because I don't see myself like this at all. I'm not "serious", I'm just authentic and expect the same of others. I often lose interest in men when they start dropping lines or putting up an act, which makes me "too serious". But... why would you tolerate this when looking for a relationship? A man should fluff his feathers, sure, but pretending to be someone he's not (because you think that's what I want) is very unattractive. I don't see how that makes me "too serious".

Edited April 9, 2019 by Hopeful30

[stillafool]

I've been told that I'm "too serious" just because I don't play games with men. I don't sleep around, and I only open up sexually when a man shows genuine interest and effort (and I feel the same). I've been told that I "don't enjoy myself" and "expect too much from a man" when looking for a relationship. I've even been told that by being so "serious" I will never find anyone, that I need to date around and be more promiscuous to widen my selection of potential boyfriends.

 

This hurts my feelings to be honest, because I enjoy myself plenty and know when to let go and relax. I am an authentic person and an open-book, for some reason people tell me this makes me "too serious" because I expect the same of others.

 

I've never heard of a man who wanted a promiscuous woman. They usually want women who do not sleep around. Interesting.

 

Maybe they mean your demeanor is too serious. Do you laugh, have fun and enjoy yourself on dates?

[Hopeful30]

I've never heard of a man who wanted a promiscuous woman. They usually want women who do not sleep around. Interesting.

 

Maybe they mean your demeanor is too serious. Do you laugh, have fun and enjoy yourself on dates?

 

Bro I'm high as a kite half the time. I'm all smiles and giggles like you wouldn't believe

 

And exactly! I'm not promiscuous... and yet, all the promiscuous ladies I know are married with children. This trips me up...

[stillafool]

Bro I'm high as a kite half the time. I'm all smiles and giggles like you wouldn't believe

 

And exactly! I'm not promiscuous... and yes, all the promiscuous ladies I know are married with children. This trips me up...

 

I'm a woman. You don't call men Bro do you? If so, stop.

[Hopeful30]

I'm a woman. You don't call men Bro do you? If so, stop.

 

I see where you're going with this, and no, I'm not butch and don't talk to men like a sailor. Ease up homes

[stillafool]

Good because it sounds masculine when you do that.

[mark clemson]

I find that the men I date either want sex or a sexual relationship (not sure what about me gives that vibe, I've literally not had sex in years and very few partners) or they tell me I'm "not what they expected" and for some reason this puts them off.

 

I've been told that I'm "too serious" just because I don't play games with men and want a relationship to develop eventually (so I don't tolerate things that are usually tolerated when you're not serious about someone longterm). I don't sleep around, I never have. I think opening your legs to some strange penis is gross. I've been told that I "don't enjoy myself" and "expect too much from a man" just because I want relationship material instead of making a man relationsihp material. I've even been told that by being so "serious" I will never find anyone, that I need to date around and be more promiscuous to widen my selection of potential boyfriends. In other words, I've been told to "be less serious" about finding a man so that I have more sex and more chances to date.

 

This hurts my feelings to be honest, because I don't see myself like this at all. I'm not "serious", I'm just authentic and expect the same of others. I often lose interest in men when they start dropping lines or putting up an act, which makes me "too serious". But... why would you tolerate this when looking for a relationship? A man should fluff his feathers, sure, but pretending to be someone he's not (because you think that's what I want) is very unattractive. I don't see how that makes me "too serious".

 

 

So, from an adult male perspective, I think many men would like to sleep with you but can also be honest (not always, unfortunately but many will be) about whether they're looking for LTR or not. So, if you're saying "no sex until I know you want an LTR" that may be an issue. I think many men who are at least open to LTR would like to date you and get to know you (*including the sex part*) while they're deciding.

 

Hope this makes sense. Another poster put it well I thought that many men like to have sex first and figure everything else out later. So, my suggestion would be (and maybe you're already ok with and/or doing this) that you be open to sleeping with a guy while you're dating as long as somewhere in the first few weeks you've mentioned that your ultimately interested in LTR and he said that yes he was too.

 

Hope the above made sense. No sex in four years of dating seems odd to me honestly, so (and no offense is intended here) something must be up to be causing this. No idea what though from your posts, though. Your attitude does not seem unreasonable or anything, so not sure what it would be. The too serious stuff must be getting at something, perhaps it's how you are attempting to get your message across rather than what you actually believe?

[snowcones]

I think you should get CLEAR on what you want and communicate that. Right now it appears you want everything, and nothing with conviction. People who want everything generally attract other people who want everything, and that's okay when it works for them. But if you're looking for someone who wants something specific, say for instance, a real long-term relationship, then those people are not going to be attracted to someone who communicates that they want anything and everything.

[mark clemson]

Just to elaborate a little - as a man, if I'm dating and there's a woman who wants to take six weeks to get to know me and "establish" that I'm LTR material before sex and there's also a woman who's ok with sex on the 3rd date (or possibly earlier if all other signs are good), I'm probably going to end up with woman #2. She's establishing what is for me one of the most important bonds early in the game. For better or worse, that's how many men are wired.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of men who are exceptions to this, but they are going to be fewer and farther between.

 

Also, if you are a frank, honest, and direct person, consider whether the dates come across as "job interview-ish". Believe this usually backfires significantly. Although it's counterintuitive in some ways, you want to be more focused on enjoying relaxed quality time together and more circumspect in establishing your wants/needs/criteria during dates.

 

Maybe I'm just stating what's already obvious to you, if so my apologies. It's just from what you posted I thought these points were worth elaborating on.

 

Full disclosure: I'm not dating.

[Hopeful30]

So, if you're saying "no sex until I know you want an LTR" that may be an issue. I think many men who are at least open to LTR would like to date you and get to know you (*including the sex part*) while they're deciding.

 

Hope the above made sense. No sex in four years of dating seems odd to me honestly, so (and no offense is intended here) something must be up to be causing this. No idea what though from your posts, though. Your attitude does not seem unreasonable or anything, so not sure what it would be. The too serious stuff must be getting at something, perhaps it's how you are attempting to get your message across rather than what you actually believe?

 

In relation to the bolded, I've never ever said those words lol. I've actually never vocalized that I want a real longterm relationship. When asked, I share that it's something I would like, but I'm open to seeing where things go.

 

Just to elaborate a little - as a man, if I'm dating and there's a woman who wants to take six weeks to get to know me and "establish" that I'm LTR material before sex and there's also a woman who's ok with sex on the 3rd date (or possibly earlier if all other signs are good), I'm probably going to end up with woman #2. She's establishing what is for me one of the most important bonds early in the game. For better or worse, that's how many men are wired.

 

I'm sure there are plenty of men who are exceptions to this, but they are going to be fewer and farther between.

 

Also, if you are a frank, honest, and direct person, consider whether the dates come across as "job interview-ish". Believe this usually backfires significantly. Although it's counterintuitive in some ways, you want to be more focused on enjoying relaxed quality time together and more circumspect in establishing your wants/needs/criteria during dates.

 

Ah! Hence is my problem. Most men just don't wait. I agree that you need to have sex to decide if longterm will work, absolutely! 6 weeks is a very long time though. For me 2 weeks is long enough, but men don't even wait that long. After the first date or two they are already pawing at me, and I'm just not ready to have sex yet. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong men?

 

The few men that have waiting long enough and I felt comfortable, all had very small penises (sure, makes sense now!). Apparently delaying sex also helped them build courage, because after all, if you have a small penis, then you know it and obviously want to build yourself up in other respects to compensate for the disappointment (doesn't work by the way, I need to feel my man).

 

The dates I go on are never interviewish, good god no! It's actually the opposite, I feel like i'm being interviewed and that kills the date for me. I'm open to questions of course, but when its question after question and the guy just wants to figure me out in one date, it's annoying and kills the natural flow of getting to know someone. Interestingly, these guys never call after the first date. Probably they could sense my aversion to them half way through the date (I appreciate that they don't bother me if they sense this, though).

 

I've even told men that they should not open all their cards at once, that it's nice getting to know each other overtime. I've been responded with "I just want to know everything about you". Yikes, talk about killing the romance.

 

Some posters brought up a really good point. Just be open about what you want, and the men who aren't interested in the same will naturally be filtered out. I know it sounds childish, but I honestly never though of it this way. I've been so preoccupied with why I struggle with romance, that I've dedicated my life becoming the best woman I can be so men would appreciate me beyond my appearance. Maybe the vibes I'm sending out are attracting all the wrong men. Vibes like "I deserve love and affection" so maybe men see this as my weakness? Maybe they think I just need to have sex and my desire for "love and affection" will be eased?

 

I will admit, I'm a little prude. It's a combination of a lifetime of abuse and ****ed up parents, but i've come a long way, truly. I'm the best version of myself I have ever been, which should attract better quality men, but I'm not attracting anyone at all! I've even approached men to chat (never hit on them, just casual convo) but of course they're all taken. I'm attracted to bf or husband type men, so I think my heart is in the right place.

 

Okay so... do any of you have advice on how I can be more open sexually? I feel used most of the time when I have sex, because the guy gets so much out of it, but I just don't get pleasure because it's all too fast. If men won't wait long enough for me to be open physically and mentally, are my only chances to find a partner is open my legs and hope the men I sleep will can turn out to be good bfs?

 

I always thought men would appreciate a woman like me, who respects herself and her body, but I'm seriously starting to doubt that. Most men don't even wait a few weeks for me to warm up to them. A girl has to be careful, you know?

[GoodOnPaper]

So, from an adult male perspective, I think many men would like to sleep with you but can also be honest (not always, unfortunately but many will be) about whether they're looking for LTR or not. So, if you're saying "no sex until I know you want an LTR" that may be an issue. I think many men who are at least open to LTR would like to date you and get to know you (*including the sex part*) while they're deciding.

 

Hope this makes sense. Another poster put it well I thought that many men like to have sex first and figure everything else out later. So, my suggestion would be (and maybe you're already ok with and/or doing this) that you be open to sleeping with a guy while you're dating as long as somewhere in the first few weeks you've mentioned that your ultimately interested in LTR and he said that yes he was too.

 

Agree. Men's views of sex and LTRs can be more complex or nuanced than what we are usually given credit for. I have always felt way more comfortable in relationships - which is probably good since I could never attract anyone for casual sex, anyway - but this meant that the few women who dated me viewed me as a "relationship guy" and attraction in the bedroom was never the best. I always hoped to find someone who seemed as drawn to me as (I imagine) women are drawn to someone they'd have a ONS with but that never happened.

 

As far as how long to wait to start sleeping with someone - the natural pace will differ with different people that you dating and that is understandable. But imposing artificial limits with certain people could make things dicey. If you hold back with the men you care about the most, they may easily get the impression you are more attracted to the men you supposedly don't care about.

[mark clemson]

@Hopeful30 - Thanks for explaining more. I'm not sure how to advise to your additional points. I think it's because I'm male and in a somewhat different place in life. Maybe/hope some other LSers will have good ideas and suggestions for you.