Jrez Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) Me and my girlfriend been together 3 years. We both are 33. She had told me something a long time ago and I wanted more clarification on it recently. She told me that about 10 years ago at her old address her property manager had accused of giving men oral sex for money and marijuana. She told me it wasn’t true. She had her older sister come up to her address and all 3 of them had a meeting about it. Even though this happened way before we met I’m now wondering if this is true or not. She claims it’s not true but it’s still on my mind. She said she doesn’t want to keep talking about the past cause it makes her depressed. She suffers from both depression and bi polar and takes medicine for it. I don’t know if it’s true or not and know it would be tough to admit if it is. I can’t even remember why she told me this story in the first place a long time ago. I just bought it up recently for more info on it I’m just stressed cause I’m wondering if it’s true or not. She also thinks I hold her past over her head because of other stuff she told me about in the past. Not this particular situation though Edited April 1, 2019 by Jrez Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) What I would consider is her integrity since then. If you've been dating her for three years you've observed whether or not she always tells the truth. Even if you've never caught her lying to you have you heard her lie to others about things you know aren't true? IOW, there are ways to assess a person's integrity just by observing their daily lives. That's what I would base my opinion on at this point. However, even if she was falsely accused I would question the fact that the manager had an opinion of her that was low enough to believe something bad he'd heard about her. I'm assuming the manager heard it as a rumor and didn't claim to have experienced her skills in this area? If you ask a question, that would be the one I'd ask her. "How did the manager claim to have gotten this information about your (her) alleged behavior?" If she says he got the info from a rumor, then that may be why she told you about it as she may be concerned you'll end up hearing the rumor. It seems to me, though, that for some reason you don't fully trust her or why would you be wondering if she's telling the truth about this or not? If she had never told you this one thing, could you say that you would totally and fully trust her? Or do you have nagging doubts about her honesty for other possible reasons? Edited April 1, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Why is it still on your mind 3 years on? Either you have never believed her or something has happened in the recent past (a few weeks ago) for you to question her character. At this point, based on observation alone, your relationship is already at breaking point. These niggling trust issues will never fully go away, and she's on a lose/lose situation; you will think less of her if she admits to having lied, or she will think less of you if you are still stewing on it if she told you the truth. Pragmatically, I can't see a way back from that whatever the situation is; the erosion of trust, whether based on facts or fiction, is a relationship killer. You can patch things up for a bit, but this would only be temporary, imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Your GF has already told you she does not like it when you hold her past over her head. Yet here you are continuing to do just that. Let's say the property managers accusations were true & at the time your GF was engaging in these criminal behaviors. That happened years before you knew her & has not occurred while you have been dating. In short, if it was true then, now she has changed. You need to assess her behavior now, not back then. Moreover she told you that it was not true. The fact that you don't believe her is a bigger problem in your relationship then anything she might or did not do way back then. Without trust your relationship has no foundation. If you can't let this go, you will destroy your relationship. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 So what's the real issue here? You insecure? You don't trust her? You looking for a way/reason to get out of the relationship? Because something that may/may not (and she said it didn't) have happened 10 years ago isn't a focus today. Not to mention, if she was giving oral sex for rent...she was likely either being forced to or in a desperate situation...and if nothing else, if she DID do that, you may want to have some sympathy not be looking for a criticism of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 This isn't the first thread you have made about distrusting your gf. After 3 years together you either trust or you don't. If you want to break up with her just do it. This is no doubt casting a shadow over your relationship so why waste any more of her or your time... There is no magic "proof" to be had here as regards whether she was giving oral to guys or not, so all you have is her word and if you can't accept her word then what do you have? Nothing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrez Posted April 1, 2019 Author Share Posted April 1, 2019 The property manager was a female. She said the property manager approached her and said these things to her. I told her that someone in her building must’ve told the property manager that. She brought her older sister up to the building and all 3 of them had a discussion about it. At the same time you guys are right, it was 10 years ago, way before she met me. The building she was staying in was for people with mental health issues. She’s bipolar and depression. When I first met her she was still living in this building. She moved though and is living in a much better apartment. I do love her. It’s just that it’s been on my mind if it’s true or not what the property manager said. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 Speaking as an old hippie, I don't know anyone who ever traded sex for pot. I don't know anyone who ever needed to. I hardly ever even had to pay for pot, because everyone had it, and I can just see some uhhip apartment manager making up stories like that because he hasn't a clue about the culture. She wouldn't have told you that if it was true. She told you that because she thought it was mean and outrageous. Now, if she was on heroin, I'd be more inclined to believe it. Pot, no. You need to stop dwelling about her sexual past. It's unhealthy and it's your insecurity. The fact she'd bipolar might or might not mean that she does things when manic she will regret later at some point in her life. Just depends how manic she gets and where she routes it. Many route it in creativity, perfectly harmless. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 The building she was staying in was for people with mental health issues. There is your answer. The accusation came from an unreliable source. Coupled with your GF's denial, it's ridiculous for you to be focused on this lie from 10 years ago. Get it in your head that this never happened & move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 It’s just that it’s been on my mind if it’s true or not what the property manager said. If you found out it was true, what would you do? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thingsfallapart Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 (edited) You’re questioning her about it because in your heart of hearts you know it’s true and you wonder what kind of a woman you’ve got... Did she give you OS at the drop of a hat? I think she did. But in her defence she was very depressed at that time. The reason she doesn’t like you bringing up the past is because she is scared that the truth will come out so she makes you feel bad about bringing it up to avoid it... If you’re having these kinds of questions it’s probably because your gut is screaming about all the red flags. You need to think long and hard about if you want to continue with her or not. Edited April 2, 2019 by Thingsfallapart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 It seems your main issue is that you don't trust your gf to tell you the truth, even when she's uncomfortable with it. I dated a guy who was in a high position at a university. He told me of something he'd been accused of but was not guilty of at a different university where he had been employed in the past. The allegations were posted on the front page of the newspaper he told me. I just laughed off the issue because I trusted him. He seemed to be a very upstanding person. A couple years later after I'd grown to know him more, I again heard about the allegations. This time I believed they were true because I'd grown to know him as a person who was likely to do what he'd been accused of. To me, that's your issue. You're not sure your gf would tell you the truth about the issue or not. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 I'd be more cautious about her mental illness, bi polar is no joke and is very difficult to be with someone who has it. If you're thinking about things that happened seven years before you met then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who is bi polar. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts