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Have most successfull long marriages or relationships started off smooth?


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What have you seen or experienced yourself?

ls there a common theme do you think ?

Does easy , comfortable , even effortless, necessarily mean perfect , or lasting, or does that get boring later and end up in divorce anyway ?

 

Or what about the one that's a struggle to make it happen , obstacles or distance or who knows what, but it's as intense as hell and eventually they make it happen one way or another, it could take a few years even.

How do they work out, or was all that struggle just a sign of not meant to be ?

 

lmpossible questions l suppose , but maybe your sitches or some you know . l've wondered a long time now about all this stuff.

Any thoughts, observations , experiences ?

Edited by chillii
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Ours started off smooth. Easy, comfortable, effortless. Yes, it sometimes gets boring 25 years later, but when I look at the dramas of friends who have lives that aren't boring, I'm glad to be us.

 

If it were struggles, obstacles or distance, I would have walked away long ago. IMO, nobody is worth struggles, obstacles or distance.

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GoodOnPaper

Married over 20 years. It shocked me how effortless things were. I struggled so much when I was single - I was very bad at the initial meeting/attraction stage and on the few occasions I did have a GF, I was always the one more attracted and no matter what I did, I couldn’t generate more attraction from them. Then when I met my wife, she was the one who was more attracted and no matter what I did, I couldn’t make her less attracted.

 

You are right to identify a certain tension between intensity and comfort. Most people seem to do well with the initial intensity part but struggle with the longer-term comfort. I’m envious of that - it’s always been the opposite for me. With how my wife latched onto me like velcro, I thought things would be much less inhibited in the bedroom than what they are. Although at heart, I’m not big on drama and neither is she.

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In my experience I find that great relationships come easily, while bad relationships are hard work.

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Wallysbears

Started off smooth and still is predominantly smooth and easy. Rough patches come and go because that's life...but our core relationship is pretty easy.

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Simple Logic

If you are arguing all the time, have distrust, incompatible goals, financial issues, or a host of other stuff. LTR is rather unlikely.

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LivingWaterPlease

Mine (the relationship and marriage both) began as smooth as glass. Thought we'd be married forever we were so in love. Turns out instead of fighting about things, issues were being dealt with individually through addictions.

 

Fighting would have been so much better than using addictions to cope.

 

We were part of a group of about eight young couples. I remember when we socialized together the ladies would be in a group talking and the men together discussing whatever. We were fairly close and one of the ladies was comfortable discussing her marriage issues openly in front of us all, processing them, I suppose. She and her H are the only ones of the group still married forty years later. All of the other marriages in the group ended in divorce!

 

Am I advocating sharing your marital issues with others? No. I just have found it interesting how her situation turned out, after airing her dirty laundry so to speak, so often. And then having her marriage work out long term.

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We were fairly close and one of the ladies was comfortable discussing her marriage issues openly in front of us all, processing them, I suppose. She and her H are the only ones of the group still married forty years later. All of the other marriages in the group ended in divorce!

 

Am I advocating sharing your marital issues with others? No. I just have found it interesting how her situation turned out, after airing her dirty laundry so to speak, so often. And then having her marriage work out long term.

 

 

 

 

That is a curious one , l'd have thought she'd be the unhappy one.

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Relationship wise for us it's always been pretty easy from the start 20 years ago to this day. I attribute it to starting from the place we did. We were best friends for quite a while before we became romantic. Just the other night I asked her do you think marriage is hard work? She answered Nooo. I sure never thought so either. That doesn't mean there isn't tuff challenges along the way with ex's, raising kids and life obstacles.

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Does easy , comfortable , even effortless, necessarily mean perfect , or lasting, or does that get boring later and end up in divorce anyway ?

 

Don't know that effortless is the right word. Once the attraction hit, I felt drawn to my wife like gravity to the sun. It wasn't so much I wanted to be with her, I had to be with her.

 

I'd certainly felt sexual attraction to women before, but this was different. And it's part of the engine driving our relationship today, 30+ years later...

 

Mr. Lucky

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GorillaTheater

My experience is a little different than most here, apparently.

 

My wife and I have been married for 35 years; we married very young (21 and 19). It started out kind of rough. We were basically kids who had to grow up together, but I credit the fact that we both stubborn as hell for the fact that we stuck it out. That, and some sizzling sexual chemistry, even when we were pissed at the other.

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LivingWaterPlease
That is a curious one , l'd have thought she'd be the unhappy one.

 

Me, too. Of all of us I'd have guessed they would have divorced. Everyone else was acting like perfectly happy couples and guess we thought we were.

 

The wife at one point did file for divorce but called it off the day they were to meet up in court.

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l wonder about the really intense stuff, couples.

 

Wonder if that lasts or even does better , or goes nowhere after all the fuss.

ln my experience the most intense thing l've ever known, and l'd say most only dream of, still didn't work out in the end anyway .

Extremes , incredible highs like nothing else but also big lows or fights or clashing or obstacles.

Meanwhile in my world, it's seemed the super mellow ones are the ones still soldiering on. lt's like the humble tortes might be slow and nothing fancy but he's steady and he gets there in the end.

 

Mind you , l might be wrong , but that's certainly how it's appearing these days.

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Me, too. Of all of us I'd have guessed they would have divorced. Everyone else was acting like perfectly happy couples and guess we thought we were.

By airing it all out in public she got it off her chest and also got tons of advice from different perspectives I guess too, so instead of her smouldering at home alone and growing increasingly bitter and resentful over old hurts and slights, she let it all out, processed it and kept moving on.

 

Of course she also had the personality to gain something from that, another person may have moaned to all and sundry and then left on the first bus out...

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Our R itself has always been smooth. We’d both had unhappy marriages before, so we recognised quality when we saw it.

 

The circumstances themselves haven’t always been idyllic. When we met, he was still in his unhappy marriage, and with guilt about “breaking up the family” it took him a while to leave - but even through that rough patch, the R itself was an oasis. Of course, once he’d dumped the xW, she tried to make things hell for us, too - but again, her drama just reminded us how good we had it with each other, and eventually she realised that it was her own life she was destroying and she moved on.

 

We’ve had other challenges along the way - parents getting old and frail, political horror stories, etc - but our R is our haven and after all this time together we value it more than anything.

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mark clemson

Speaking for myself, my relationship with my wife started off smooth/lower drama compared to some of my other relationships. Drama has actually gone up a bit over time. Not sure if that's a good sign or not, but I think I actually get bored with ZERO drama. So it's a right (low but not zero) level for us.

 

TOO much drama/intensity is not a good thing IMO and doesn't bode well for the relationship to last generally. But I think every couple is a bit different - some will have more tolerance and staying power through ups and downs than others.

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Yeah l'd be similar mark don't mind the odd up heavel keeps ya both on your toes haha ,

But preferably not some sparks flying every 5mins thing,,,, ex !

Always thought we'd get on top of it down the line but we never did.

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Once the attraction hit, I felt drawn to my wife like gravity to the sun. It wasn't so much I wanted to be with her, I had to be with her.

 

How long did you know each other before it all hit ?

Old thread , dunno if you'll see it but l'll ask anyway.

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It has been very smooth. I can count on one hand the number of real fights we have had. She is the type if she has an issue she brings it up and we deal with it instead of her blowing up about it.

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todreaminblue

yeah my relationships that start i feel for the men...most of the men i have dated were and are friends who know me pretty well......because it takes me a while to feel safe.....so they have to be patient or it doesnt last they have to be someone i consider a friend........

not that i am not working at it...i have to work from the get go the first date........working on my trust ...my feelings of security...being honest and open..and i put my all in....so i wouldn't say my relationships are smooth,but i will say from not taking things for granted from the very beginning..allowing myself to be able to feel vulnerable and not on the warrior war path..and appreciating the good in the guy i am with and focusing on the good ...especially patience...my relationships when i do commit to them....are long lasting ..........deb

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Everyone lasting unless l missed one, is basically pretty calm and easy,

l'm just surprised in a way. but then the lasting ones l know of are similar too , maybe that's the key.

Edited by chillii
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DrReplyInRhymes
What have you seen or experienced yourself?

ls there a common theme do you think ?

Does easy , comfortable , even effortless, necessarily mean perfect , or lasting, or does that get boring later and end up in divorce anyway?

 

Successful relationships aren't judged successful by how smooth or how hard it was. They're judged by who gives up. If neither party gives up, no matter how tough or smooth it is, the relationship will be successful.

 

The moment someone gives up: there is no relationship anymore. At least, by the perception of the one who gave up, there is no relationship anymore.

 

So, basically, if you find someone worth it, and they find you worth it, don't give up on each other and you're guaranteed success.

 

In theory, sounds pretty easy, don't it?

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Not judging anything just curious.

But yep , sounds pretty easy but let me tell ya it ain't. Doesn't matter what's thrown at you as a couple through life, unfortunately there's just no way to tell if one will quit on it or not , vows or words even past actions mean nothing, until they just do.

But yeah yaknow l've looked at long term married people and thought that exact thing myself,and l know what some of them have been through, mine included, but they refuse to give up, it really is a huge thing.

 

Not really what l was curious about though but so far everyone are the fairly calm and smooth couple , just like the really long term couples l know of.

So it still looks like the fiery intense stuff just doesn't make it that far.

Edited by chillii
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Fiery intense stuff is usually very hard to live with long term and many fiery intense people are a not really "stayers" anyway.

You do however get the couple where one is very "difficult" in some way and the other just absorbs all the "difficulty" and makes the union work, often at great cost to themselves.

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