crispytoast Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 My ex is trying to work at my job. In the past she's made my life living hell on more than a few occasions. She is a drama queen and the worst sh*t talker I've ever met. The problem is, she is friends with and introduced me to my boss so I don't really know how to handle it. The thought of her working at my job is giving me incredible anxiety, I had a panic attack earlier when she told me she's trying to work there. But if I try to stop her, she will go to great lengths to try to f*ck up my life. I'm really at a loss here... I need some advice and quick. Link to post Share on other sites
Soulinfected Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 Time for that restraining order Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 (edited) First, why are you talking to her? She's your ex. Why is she trying to get a job there. Is it a legitimate move for her, or is to be around you? How can she have any impact on your life if you try to stop her? What are your options on the job site? Can you mention it to your boss? Can you get a transfer if she takes a job there? Can you get HR involved in some way? I would put it on their radar that you had a previous relationship and it ended badly. You are concerned that the two of you cannot co-exist in a close working environment. Just another reason not to date at work. I know it's easy, but a total nightmare if the other person is immature. We Edited March 28, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 Is this a "job" or your career? If it's a job just get another one. If it's your career, you still may have to polish up your resume. Since she introduced you to your boss, the boss is aware that you two have history. Assume that will be taken into account when hiring decisions are made. Still since they are friends, you have to assume she has the upper hand. If she gets hired, keep your head down & do your job. Document anything & everything she does. If she crosses the line, tell her once, quietly & professionally that her behavior will not be tolerated. A 2nd time you complain to HR. Through it all you put in a stellar performance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crispytoast Posted March 28, 2019 Author Share Posted March 28, 2019 First, why are you talking to her? She's your ex. Why is she trying to get a job there. Is it a legitimate move for her, or is to be around you? How can she have any impact on your life if you try to stop her? What are your options on the job site? Can you mention it to your boss? Can you get a transfer if she takes a job there? Can you get HR involved in some way? I would put it on their radar that you had a previous relationship and it ended badly. You are concerned that the two of you cannot co-exist in a close working environment. Just another reason not to date at work. I know it's easy, but a total nightmare if the other person is immature. We Technically she's an ex-fwb. We stopped hooking up a long time ago it was peaceful back then. Over a long time of being just friends her manipulative and crazy really came out. I was always able to maneuver it and she was one of the only people who had my back when I first moved here (despite the crazy, she helped me pass a semester I was going to otherwise fail, helped me move, helped me find solid work). She generally has good intentions but holy f*ck she's the hugest gossip and is the type of person who stirs up sh*t for fun if she is pissed at you. Since I see right through her manipulation and refuse to play into it, her vindictiveness gets aimed at me from time to time and I don't l.et people f*ck with me so it gets nasty before it blows over. After the last time a few months ago, I got too sick of it and stopped hanging with her and poof all of the stress in my life disappeared. Every time we've worked together in the past, she always acts uncomfortably flirty and acts in a way like she is trying to lay claim to me. Most of my friend group is through work, I didnt know anyone in this town until I started working here it's familial to me. I don't need her gossiping about me and talking about struggles I used to have that could change people's impression of me. I've worked way too hard to get to a better place in my life. Plus I've casually been seeing some female friends of coworkers, the last thing I need is her acting like we're f*ck buddy besties when we aren't. Can I talk to my boss? Yes, I'm a closer friend to my boss and I could tell her not to hire the ex. But then I have this crazy woman talking sh*t to every mutual friend of ours and basically trying to make my life hell. And I would feel somewhat guilty about depriving her of work, especially because she helped me get established here and honestly is better at our job than a lot of my coworkers. This is a legitimate job for her, there's not a lot of work in our industry where we live. If she gets hired, keep your head down & do your job. Document anything & everything she does. If she crosses the line, tell her once, quietly & professionally that her behavior will not be tolerated. A 2nd time you complain to HR. Through it all you put in a stellar performance. Unfortunately I feel like this might be my only option. Ugh I feel sick just thinking about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 Well either way your going to be talked about by her as it reads. For yourself it's better you speak to your boss and give your 2 cents to him. If she works there your going to be talked about and have to have contact with her. If she isn't going to get hired your talked about but don't have to work with her. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 If she gets hired, find another job where she doesn’t have any connections. However, it’s possible that she won’t get hired. If you know she’s basically nuts, a lot of other people probably know it, too. Btw, stop letting her put you in panic mode. Sit back and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 I'd still tell the boss it was going to be a problem. That might mean that you are the one that has to go, but maybe not. I mean, just because he's friends with her doesn't mean he wants to work with her. I think you should tell him that she's been manipulating and kind of invading your privacy and it's not a good situation. And you need to cut ties with her if she's a problem and make her move on. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 Is your boss the owner of the company, or just a manager in the company? Be very careful how you take this to her--seeing that she's friends with this woman, you coming to her to tell her that her girl is nuts, etc., can be interpreted as you slandering the friend to keep her from working there. As you don't know your boss familiarly, she could easily get co-opted into this ex's schemes, depending upon how petty she actually is. HR would be a different story--while they're there to protect the company first and foremost, I think going to them instead will travel further up the chain of command than it would if you just went to your boss. The company needs to know that they're potentially hiring a liability. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 I don't think you be careful with her at all, because I think this is a way for her to basically blackmail him into submission and get him keeping secrets and being afraid to run her off. So I think he should bust this thing wide open and fairly loudly to show her she can't do that to him. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 she was one of the only people who had my back when I first moved here (despite the crazy, she helped me pass a semester I was going to otherwise fail, helped me move, helped me find solid work). She generally has good intentions but holy f*ck she's the hugest gossip and is the type of person who stirs up sh*t for fun if she is pissed at you. I don't need her gossiping about me and talking about struggles I used to have that could change people's impression of me. I've worked way too hard to get to a better place in my life. Plus I've casually been seeing some female friends of coworkers, the last thing I need is her acting like we're f*ck buddy besties when we aren't. It's not quite clear from the above how 'crazy' she actually is - at most, from your account, she's a gossip and the main issue you're worried about is her spilling the beans to your colleagues about your shady past. If it comes to that, can you not own up to whatever it is you've done? How bad can it be that you're concerned about others finding out? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 If she is that kind of person, your coworkers will find out in a hurry. They will pick up on her manipulative ways, and she will find herself in hot water...especially if they hear or see her harassing you/ or talkin trash. I also suggest you have a talk with either HR or your boss. If it does cause you that much anxiety, and you have a legitimate reason this is happening, you can go on stress leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crispytoast Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 It's not quite clear from the above how 'crazy' she actually is - at most, from your account, she's a gossip and the main issue you're worried about is her spilling the beans to your colleagues about your shady past. If it comes to that, can you not own up to whatever it is you've done? How bad can it be that you're concerned about others finding out? She's threatened to make things up to try to ruin my reputation on multiple occasions when I wouldn't answer to her every whim. For example, she threatened to tell people who are important to my career that I stole a lot of money from her when I didnt because she was making ridiculous demands of me and I refused to play her games. I always manage to talk her out of it but it's a huge deal of stress that I don't need in my life when I'm going to school full time, working a job, and starting a business. I was dealing with depression and some alcohol issues when we were seeing each other so she has seen me in states of mind where I couldn't handle myself very well. I wasn't violent or shady but I wasn't on point either. She doesn't respect me (which is ironic because she's still an alcoholic sh*t show and I've cleaned up my life) and treats me like a child because I'm younger than her. I don't need her disrespecting me and treating me like I'm unprofessional at my job where my colleagues respect me for being a hard-working career oriented businessman. On top of that, I really don't need her trying to act like I'm her f*ck buddy bestie. Like I said, I have casual relationships with friends of some of my co-workers. She has gotten in the way of multiple relationships with the way she acts around me. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 Got it, thanks for clearing it up. Sounds like she is trying to cash in (literally) on your most vulnerable moments. I've met her kind before - very nasty. It makes sense that you wouldn't want her anywhere near you. If I was one of your colleagues and a newcomer badmouthed you, I personally wouldn't give them any notice - I would continue to consider you a professional hardworking businessman. I don't know if that helps, may be you are giving her far more headspace than she deserves? Can you call her bluff? On the other hand, if you're really concerned about your mental health, I agree that you may have to find a job elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crispytoast Posted March 29, 2019 Author Share Posted March 29, 2019 If she is that kind of person, your coworkers will find out in a hurry. They will pick up on her manipulative ways, and she will find herself in hot water...especially if they hear or see her harassing you/ or talkin trash. I also suggest you have a talk with either HR or your boss. If it does cause you that much anxiety, and you have a legitimate reason this is happening, you can go on stress leave. My friend that I talked to about this said something similar. I'm letting it get to me too much. My work crew is like a family and I'm good friends with my bosses and most of my coworkers. I haven't had people in my life that have my back in a really long time so the idea of her potentially interfering with that has me on edge. Gotta have faith that they recognize me for who I am and will shut her down if she tries to make my life difficult. I do think I'm going to talk to my boss about it though. I'm not going to bad mouth her though or ask them not to hire her. Its going to be more like "hey are we hiring right now?" And then mention "oh, so and so was gonna apply" in a tone that sort of implies that we aren't exactly on the best ground. Do you think that's a good approach? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Fk that , l'd be starting fresh in life , new job and getting that ex out of my damn life. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2019 Share Posted March 31, 2019 Trouble is, the company will do what is best for the company and if hiring your ex is seen as a good thing, then your concerns will be ignored. You will be expected to put up and shut up, and if you don't, then it will be you who will be seen as the trouble maker... Be careful. Seems your sex life is interfering with your work life. Maybe best to not make FWBs out of co workers, nor hook up casually with your coworker's friends... You have built a house of cards, so it is not surprising you are now worried that your ex can come along and flatten it. Link to post Share on other sites
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