Ladies.. stop saying "I have a boyfriend"

[metalbabble]

First of all, don't get the wrong idea. I am not some incel put off by rejection. I'm going to tell you why "I have a boyfriend" not only doesn't work, but why you should be straightforward with your rejection.

 

1.) Men are competitive. Especially after you hit a certain age, you kind of start to assume that every attractive woman has some sort of 'deal'. It's pretty much a given. So when a confident man hears about another guy, his first instinct is to size up the competition. They are taking you at your word. Where is this guy? How confident is he? How big is he? Is he an earner? Etc.

 

2.) Straight up rejection forces a man to reflect on how he is presenting himself, rather than couching your rejection in a lie that lets him off the hook. Men need this. It's easy to go through life thinking you're just a victim of circumstance. It's much harder to actually look in the mirror.

 

Obviously the downside is that ladies may feel unsafe rejecting some unstable man who may lash out. That's a fair concern. Some tact may be required, just like tact is required when we approach you.

 

So I would say this. The more class a man uses in his approach, the more candor you should offer in return.

 

Basically, the whole 'I have a boyfriend' thing.. cut it out. It doesn't work and it's insulting to men.

[elaine567]

Of course it works.

 

A) if a woman says she has a boy friend that is not an invitation for a man to go all macho and size up the competition.

She is telling you that because she isn't interested in YOU. Take the hint.

B) It IS a rejection, any woman who is truly interested doesn't mention the boyfriend, unless she has to...

 

Women do need to be careful how they reject men, and "I have a bf" is a universal code for "I am not interested..." no need to spell it out, no need to get personal, no need to hurt anyone's feelings or provoke anger.

"You are a great guy but I have a boyfriend, BYE." End of story.

[Garcon1986]

It is too much energy to force other people to think the way you want them to think; it's more energy efficient to just work harder to get what you wanted in the first place. If you are really hell bent on showing you are better, maneuver yourself into a situation where you can make someone feel sorry for their past transgressions against you. Become someone's boss and then deny them a favor or a promotion or something. That however, can become grounds for a lawsuit on grounds of discrimination. But even if you do that - it's quite exhausting to hold grudges against a whole gender.

[bathtub-row]

Some women say they have a bf, even when they don’t. See? That’s got rejection written all over it.

Edited March 26, 2019 by bathtub-row

[preraph]

That IS their way of letting you know they're rejecting you. It's certainly not them asking for you to jump in and be competitive. Doesn't matter if it's true or not, because either way it's a "no."

[bmh]

This is the first time I’ve ever heard of a man “sizing up the competition” in this context. Learn something new everyday I suppose.

[basil67]

For the man who is keen to market himself, giving a reason why she isn't interested is a cue for him to try and find a work around. Or if a woman simply say says she's not interested without giving a reason, he'll also keep probing and pushing.

 

Here's a brief article on why "I have a boyfriend" works best for us. In short though, it's because it shuts down an unwanted advance more effectively than any other excuse. The girl at the bar who's out with her friends? She doesn't owe you a reason.

I Have a Boyfriend Excuse Is the Best Way For Women to Turn Men Down | Time

[basil67]

This is the first time I’ve ever heard of a man “sizing up the competition” in this context. Learn something new everyday I suppose.

 

Yeah, I'm more used to him accepting that the girl belongs to some other guy and respecting that more than he respects a "I'm not interested" from her.

[mortensorchid]

I have used that in the past, but if and when I have had to reject someone's advances, I have said "Thank you, but I don't date anymore." If they ask why, I said I am tired of being dumped by everyone (which isn't a lie).

[Inspire]

I wouldn't question if its true or not. If I made a pass at someone and she said that she had a boyfriend, then thats where it ends. There is something to be said about those who pursue people that are actively in a relationship.

[Gretchen12]

How do you know she doesn't have a boyfriend?

[bathtub-row]

I wouldn't question if its true or not. If I made a pass at someone and she said that she had a boyfriend, then thats where it ends. There is something to be said about those who pursue people that are actively in a relationship.

 

My thoughts exactly. Most women aren’t going to admire a man who attempts to break up a relationship - unless he knows for a fact that the woman is unhappy in the relationship or is in an abusive situation. But if we’re talking about a man approaching a total stranger, that obviously wouldn’t be a factor.

[Els]

So... what are women with a boyfriend supposed to say?

[littleblackheart]

Depending on the man, it can save time and aggravation. Some men are really, really bad at taking no for an answer.

 

I agree that when it's someone you are bound to see again (at work or wherever) it's better to be upfront.

[Mr. Lucky]

Basically, the whole 'I have a boyfriend' thing.. cut it out. It doesn't work and it's insulting to men.

 

I'm wondering why you think she owes you any answer, truthful or not? It's not every available women's job to be your mirror for self-improvement.

 

I always found it more productive to focus on the women that were interested than to analyze the ones that weren't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ExpatInItaly]

This makes no sense, OP.

 

Do you expect a woman who does actually have a boyfriend to lie and tell you she doesn't?

 

How do you know it she actually doesn't?

 

I hate to burst your bubble, but "I have a boyfriend" absolutely does work. Our goal in telling you that we have a boyfriend isn't to make you reflect or invite you to "size up the competition." Our goal is get you to leave us be. And for that, it's always been effective.

 

It's not our problem if it's not your preferred method of rejection, bud.

[loversquarrel]

Sounds kind of over sensitive to me op. I don't see how one would take that as an insult, unless of course that someone was a head case. If a woman rejects you on that basis then suck it up and carry on and let it thicken your skin to the point that it doesn't bother you.

[Wallysbears]

Women are allowed to reject men in whatever way they would like. Heck, back in my bartending days, we used to wear fake engagement/wedding bands when we didn't want to be bothered.

 

If a woman says she has a boyfriend, she's saying "leave me alone, I'm not interested"

[GorillaTheater]

I have to admit, when I was much younger I never took the "I have a boyfriend" thing as a hard "no". It just meant I had to work a little harder.

 

Now, if I was in the game, I think I'd likely take that reason at face value.

[hotpotato]

I have used that in the past, but if and when I have had to reject someone's advances, I have said "Thank you, but I don't date anymore." If they ask why, I said I am tired of being dumped by everyone (which isn't a lie).

 

Do you really say that? Lol

 

Sometimes women actually do have bfs. Ihab usually works, but a few guys don't get the hint. Some are willing to wait until the supposed relationship ends, which most do.

[LuckyM]

The thing is that they all say they have a BF or married even when they do not.

I heard that all my life. When I was in college, there was always a boy back home. Even without a ring, girls say shes married.

I saw one attractive buxom woman with a large necklace: I'M TAKEN. Seriously. Well, want to do that?

 

The other tiresome excuse is "this is not appropriate". Sick of that word.

[RecentChange]

First of all........

 

First of all - you have to understand, just because you hit on a woman, she doesn't owe you anything.

 

She is not obligated to give you an "honest" answer as to why she is rejecting you. She isn't obligated to give you tools to better yourself. She isn't obligated to open a dialog on the topic.

 

I am going to echo a few things other posters have mentioned.

 

It may be a surprise to you, but often men don't take no for an answer. Men, often when given a genuine rejection will try to talk their way out of it.

 

Just like your example:

 

"So when a confident man hears about another guy, his first instinct is to size up the competition. They are taking you at your word. Where is this guy? How confident is he? How big is he? Is he an earner? Etc. "

 

Well, in my experience "confident men" will take the same road with an honest rejection. They will come up with excuses, say you don't know them yet, that they ARE what you want etc etc etc.

 

What are we supposed to say? "No thank you, I am not interested, I think your face is ugly and your breath smells bad". "No thanks, you come off as a total douche bag?"

 

Please, give some examples of rejections you wished you were getting instead of the "I am taken" line.

 

I have used "sorry I don't find you attractive" - he seemed like he took it as a gut punch. I suppose a "confident" guy would have pressed on the issue - and he wouldn't have gotten more from me, because well, like I said. I don't owe him jack s****.

[RecentChange]

The thing is that they all say they have a BF or married even when they do not.

I heard that all my life.....

The other tiresome excuse is "this is not appropriate". Sick of that word.

 

No... They don't.

 

Not all women tell all men that they have a boy friend when they don't.

 

Women who are rejecting you say that.

 

This may be a news flash, but not all women are rejecting all men. Plenty of us out there are meeting, or have met people we are interested in and have relationships.

 

As for hearing "not appropriate" over and over... sounds like you are being inappropriate.

[Tamfana]

What if a woman told GuyX that her BF is a retired marine and olympian who now runs his own international company headquartered in Hawaii, but is a writer at heart with a Booker prize? Would that work?

 

But seriously, if a woman you approach says she has a BF, leave her alone.

[basil67]

The other tiresome excuse is "this is not appropriate". Sick of that word.

 

If you're being frequently accused of being inappropriate, then you're at risk of being accused of sexual harassment. As you've heard this so many times before, then I suggest you look at what you're doing when women tell you that you're being inappropriate. Then stop doing whatever it is.

 

You can't be too careful.