My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

[What_to_Do87]

Hi all. I have a situation and would really appreciate some other's perspective.

 

To start, I made a stupid thing, I am ashamed, feel bad about it and judge myself enough, so please, don't start off with telling me what I did was wrong etc.. I know it was and I am definitely not proud of it. But I did it. I check my boyfriends phone.

 

3 Months in a relationship and I am in love. For the first time in my life. I have had a relationships before, 3,5 years, 5 years and some brief ones but never really felt like that was it, this is how love feels like. I am 31. And now I feel it for the first time. It has been intense 3 months, basically together 4-5 times a week, weekends and one vacation.

 

I have been cheated on couple times in my life, and while that's definitely not my excuse and I do not try to justify my action, my emotions got the best of me and I checked his messages. And ever since I can't sleep.

 

So he does have couple of female friends or climbing buddies he used to go climb with before we met, that's fine, nothing weird there. But there is this one girl - they used to work together (he is a doctor, she is a nurse) for about 5 years, then he moved to the city 600km away where he lives now. And I have scrolled to their conversation, haven't read all of it as it was A LOT and goes back years...he never mentioned this girl to me, even thought we did talk about past relationships and dating. Now I am not sure if they ever dated or had a sexual relationship as I did not read all of it as I mentioned, but there were selfies exchanged, very flirty txts, he called her honey aall the time, then I have seen some txt from him which said ''so you are gonna warm up bed for us'' but I haven't got the whole context so might have also been some kind of joke as they joked a lot in those conversations. But I could tell by the way he talked to her that he definitely had a big attraction to her and I would even say it was more than a crush. I have seen some picture that she sent him with some guy who looked like her boyfriend... but then again, selfies from her and so on..I really do not know what was going on there, what kind of weird relationship they had but I do know he had also almost a year long relationship with someone which ended 10 months before we met. And the conversation with that nurse was still going on even throughout the relationship he had (which I remember him telling me that he thought that the GF he had was THE ONE until things went bad because she was extremely jealous and accused him of cheating all the time and then she broke up with him - so he thought she was the one and yet he still talked to that nurse - why would he do that??), they still even worked together back then. And they really seemed to have some kind of bond..I don't know why they were not together, I would assume she was either not interested in him or maybe in another relationship, either way, they did have a strong connection, I could tell by the way they talked..for years!!

 

Now since he met me, I have seen he did not contacted her, but she txted him for Christmas saying ''merry Christmas to my ex-work husband'' to which he responded ''ex??'' and wished her also merry Christmas. She said she misses him and he responded that he misses her too. Then couple of days later she again txted him asking when he will be around, he said he doesn't know and that she could visit him too. She did not respond to that. This was when we known each other for 2 weeks. Since then no conversations, month and half later she again txted him ''hey stranger, do we know each other?'' At that time we were on vacation together and that was the time when we both realized that we love each other and also told that to each other for the first time. He responded to her with a picture of the location where we were with ''greetings from xxx''. She responded to him ''ohhh and without me?'' which he did not really comment on and when she asked how he was doing he jokingly said that not so good because the vacation is almost over and tomorrow we are flying back''. After that no more conversation. It has been a month since then.. Now I know it does not seem like anything is going on at the moment, but I am terrified that they will again start having the same conversations and that the bond they had will come to life again...I am terrified they might see each other at some point and he will fall for her again.

 

He is 38, very rational person, thinks everything through before he act or says something. He told me that I am exactly like he always wanted his girlfriend to be, that I am the only person he knows, who is exactly the same and different in the ''right things'' , which completes us perfectly. He tells me he loves me very often (he said he never said it to anyone this often) and that he is very happy with me and even said he thinks we will be together for a very long time (well, he tried to avoid the word ''forever'' as he is not the one who promises stuff he can't keep). Since his job is quite demanding and also requires lots of shift and we live 100 kms apart, it was quite challenging to keep doing everything we like doing together, I suggested if we could maybe try to ''live together'', I would still keep my place and after some time we could see how it goes and then maybe I could give it up. First he was a bit afraid, as he never lived with a girlfriend before (he had couple of relationships that were 2 years, 1 year long.) But he said he thinks it is a good idea and that he would like to try. So now we started living together.

 

I know it all sounds perfect, but I am still totally terrified...firstly because he never mentioned her, secondly, I know he was in a relationship with someone and still kept that weird thing with the nurse and maybe only because he for whatever reason can't have her, he keeps being in relationships with other people. I definitely do not wan to be someone's second choice and wait until one day she turns up - maybe available or she suddenly decides that now she wants him and I will be out.. Their history goes years back, how can I compete with that`? She might be something unattainable, hence still very attractive to him and as I said, I might only be the second best...it is killing me..

 

Can someone please tell me some opinion on what is this all about? Because I can't think straight right now and all I can think of is this. And of course, I can't ask him, since I am not even supposed to know about her...

 

thanks!!

[lana-banana]

She's putting herself out there and he's not taking the bait. I don't think you need to worry about cheating; if he wanted to leave you, he would have, since she sure sounds available, or wants to be. I agree it's shady he never mentioned her, but maybe he didn't know how to explain it. It's important that he seems uninterested in entertaining her advances after you started dating.

 

You're going to eventually have to fess up that you've checked his phone. If it was a one-time thing, he will probably be mad but get over it if you have a solid explanation. If you've just made a habit out of checking his phone when he's not around, you may be in big trouble.

[Mr. Lucky]

but she txted him for Christmas saying ''merry Christmas to my ex-work husband'' to which he responded ''ex??'' and wished her also merry Christmas.

 

Ah, the old "work husband/wife"...

 

What_to_Do87, are you in the medical field? There's a bunker mentality in many high stress/adrenaline fields - medical, first responders, bar/nightclub, etc. - that promotes an exclusionary bond. The feeling is that they get it and no one outside the field can understand. Unless you're intimately involved in his field, I'd guess this is what you're up against and also the reason why he's had parallel relationships in the past.

 

Probably won't settle your understandable fears, but I don't see much to worry about. I've seen many of these types of work relationships come and go amongst peers and his tie with her seems to be on the wane. Though I understand any potential discussion with him is a personal decision and I'm sure you'll get feedback advising you to push that agenda.

 

As always, you should follow your own heart and instincts. Let us know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[What_to_Do87]

no, I am not in a medical field so I am not familiar with this ''bond''.. It just really upsets me that he would talk like that to other woman, no matter if the joking around is in fact innocent. I would expect him having the bond with me and not some coworker who ''gets him''. It just hurts...

[Mr. Lucky]

Don't know what to tell you, might be a choice you'll have to make.

 

You have a dual-edged problem because the few "work wives" I've had, there was no sexual innuendo. It was more the feeling of someone having your back in the crazy things that happen at these redline jobs.

 

My advice, based simply on the depth of your feelings and the angst you're having, is to discuss it with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[What_to_Do87]

yeah, i kind of thought the same. She seems like she is checking up on him to see his ''situation''.. I don't know, I find it very ****ed up that 2 people have this kind of ''relationship'' for years and when one is available then runs to another and other way around... I know what I did was also ****ed up, I am not saying it wasn't..but how is what they are doing fair to any relationship they have or might have with other people? WHo is the NO. 1 for them here?

[What_to_Do87]

I get what you are saying.. but don't you think trying to rather include your partner at home into everything is better than having a parallel ''work relationship''? Do you think it is fair to your partner to have this kind of bond with someone else and actually excluding him or her from it? Not to mention, they were not just backing each other up..what bothers me is the way they talked. That was not ''i have your back here'' - there were selfies and calling ''sweetie and honey'' and hears and stuff like that.. that is way beyond the line, don't you think?

[Mr. Lucky]

Working backwards, sweetie and honey are just terms. The very nice barista that gets my coffee 2-3 days a week calls me both and, trust me, no danger to my marriage there.

 

My POV is this - some things in relationships just are. It would be nice if we could be all things to our partner, not sure it's realistic or even healthy to do so. You should think less about why he does this and more about whether or not it's a dealbreaker for you. Going to hope being with him has strong positives and benefits for you, but involvement with those in some professions also comes at a cost - long hours, missed holidays and family events, different priorities and a bond with peers those outside the circle are denied.

 

In short, like most of us he's a package deal. No one-size-fits-all so might be time to decide if this is the right situation for you. What would be unproductive would be staying with him and continuing to resent and complain about these types of relationships...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

You said she sent selfies. Were they nudes or partial nudes? Were they sexy selfies? Trying to get a feel for if they're just "work spouses" or if one of them is after the other. Bear in mind that if BOTH of them were after each other, they'd already have been together and either made it or failed. But he could be after her or she could be after him. So trying to see if she's the one being sexy, or just him.

 

I might be able to figure it out, because I was the "work wife" to a couple of people.

[What_to_Do87]

so I haven't seen all of it, as I mentioned, there the conversation went back like 4 or 5 years, I haven't seen or read all of it obviously. The selfies were definitely sexy though. Haven't seen complete nudes, but she sent him legs for example or selfies of herself that were meant to be sexy (I know, doing those myself so can see what it is...) He sent here some pictures as well, mostly when he was somewhere on a trip or something. She also sent him some picture with some other guy, looked very much like boyfriend or something (close up with faces where cheeks were touching..) not sure what was that. I am 100% sure he was interested in her as I know how he texts me and it was basically the same kind of conversations and reactions etc.. Maybe she was in a relationship and was not available. Maybe they had a fling or I don't know.. but what I do know, it is taking way too long for it to be ''nothing''.. and what I do not get is why would she after he moved across the country 7 months ago still txt him she misses him... I really don't get it. Why are they then not together?? Plus, now another thing happened today in the morning.. We had a conversation and he said '' I wonder how other couples who are both doctors handle the relationship as even just with me having these shifts make thing complicated for us..'' To which I said I don't know either, but I told him that I heard a while back that people with these kinds of professions sometimes have some ''thing'' at work, something aside, which was referred to as ''work marriages''. I asked him if he ever had fling at work or anything similar, not necessarily sexual and he point blank lied to me saying ''no, never, and I don't even want to''. So what I hate the most is that he actually lied to me, even though we did talk before about past relationships or flings etc...and we were very open so it is not like it is Tabu for us to talk about stuff like that...

[What_to_Do87]

Well yes, in those situations it is different. But you do not have a years long quite intimate bond with the barista, do you? I mean, I know him, I know how he talks with other people (including female he knows or are his friends ), and with me. The style he uses and the way he responded and everything is pretty much the same he has with me.

 

Yes, you are right there..only he would never admit he had or has that kind of relationship at work - see the respond to preraph. He even lied to me about it....if you have nothing to hide and it is innocent, would you lie like he did today?

[d0nnivain]

This is all very intense. In 90 days you are spending all your time together (4-5 days) & have actually gone on vacation together. That is moving very fast. Fast & intense are not good IMO. At 3 months in you should be working up to the 1st weekend away together.

 

The fact that you have been cheated on in the past is coloring all of this for you. Those cheating experiences damaged your ability to trust & now you think that everything is cheating.

 

This is not cheating. It's work flirting with an old friend who is 600 miles away. This guy is dating you, not her. He's not responding to her other then in the most banal forms. If he wanted to be with her he would be. He never would have gotten to you. Even if he had a fling with her in the past & didn't tell you, that's his prerogative at this early stage. You two are still getting to know each other. Every conversation is not sworn testimony under other where somebody can be punished for an omission. You need to calm down.

 

Confidentially & privacy are the bedrocks of medical profession. Especially since you didn't find anything do not tell him you snooped. If you do, he will dump you for violating his privacy. You also have to stop looking.

 

Try to calm yourself & keep paying attention to all the wonderful things about your relationship.

[What_to_Do87]

You might be right in many things here, or even all of them. But .. even if he never mentioned her before, ok. But if someone asks you directly if you ever had some close relationship at work, sexual or non sexual and the respond is ''no, never'' then it is a lie. And no matter how long you are in a relationship, there really is no reason to lie, don't you think?

[d0nnivain]

Lying is bad & if that is a deal breaker for you, so be it. I suspect that these two are just friends so in his mind he didn't like because she's outside the definition of relationship (which to him meant romantic / sexual) but to you included friendship.

[elaine567]

To tell the truth I think there is nothing now going on between him and this "work wife", but that doesn't mean he has not acquired another... intense work relationships are common in hospitals/medical practices. Some are purely platonic, others less so.

At 38, single and eligible, he is going to get attention.

He is always going to be in a very female heavy environment too.

You either trust him or you don't.

[What_to_Do87]

ok, let's say you are right again.. But friendship? With sexy selfies, with comments of ''warm up the bed for us'', sending hearts to each other and so on..? Is that a friendship? I don't think so...

[What_to_Do87]

well for now I don't think there is another ''work wife'' but that does not mean there won't be any in the future.. He has been working at this place only about 7 months now so fairly new..and people come and go, he might meet someone there later on..and I am already terrified of it..

[d0nnivain]

ok, let's say you are right again.. But friendship? With sexy selfies, with comments of ''warm up the bed for us'', sending hearts to each other and so on..? Is that a friendship? I don't think so...

 

It is just friendship to him. She is sending the sexy selfies. He's receiving them, not reciprocating. She made the comment. He didn't. His behavior has been more above board. She is clearly making a play for him but he's not responding. He's not going to cut her off because he sees her as a friend but give him some credit for not playing along.

 

Look, it's your life & your relationship. If this is a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. Just end things. But do not for one second think that if you demand he chose that he will pick you.

[What_to_Do87]

no, he made the comment about warming up the bed, not her.. he event sent her hears and other stuff..ok, it was before we met, but my point was that to me it does no seem like a friendship... does it to you?

[d0nnivain]

Sorry for getting that detail wrong.

 

Yes it does only seem like friendship to me. But I'm a flirty girl with lots of male buddies.

 

Even if they crossed the line, it was years ago. Yes, I still get that if that was true he lied to you about it but again it may be so inconsequential that he didn't think to mention it.

 

Are they spending time together now? If not, I'd stop focusing on this. It's destroying you. If they have a future plan to get together, make sure you can go along, to "mark your territory" if nothing else.

[What_to_Do87]

no, they are luckily not as she lives 600km away. So well let's hope it stays that way. The thing why it got me so much is because he really does not seem to be that type at all. I mean, when we first met, he was so nervous he could barely look at me, he would not make first move and sitting there 6 hours waiting util I do. Even when we were already together and had some misunderstanding, talked and he was so scared he would not touch me first because he was afraid if I would let him.. And also he told me many times he didn't even have many women, that he rather than chasing them for sex doesn't have any - after the last break up with that jealous GF he said he didn't have sex for 10 months... And that was a conversation we had our last couple of days, when I told him how long I haven't had any. I mean, it just does not fit together to me at all. And then when I seen those conversations with her...I don't know, I was just very surprised and well, did not expect that. Maybe that's why I am so confused.

[JuneL]

I don’t think your bf has cheated or will cheat physically with this nurse even if she lives in your area.

 

However, personally, I would not be okay if my bf had such a heavily flirty friendship with another woman. I’m sure he’s enjoying the flirting, innocent or not. Calling a friend or colleague of the opposite gender a term of endearment is not okay. Yes, it’s not uncommon for service people or elderly people (especially female ones) to use terms of endearment for people of both genders. But your bf is not selling coffee to the nurse.

[anika99]

Okay well first of all I think you need to slow your roll. You think this is true love but actually you are still in that intense infatuation and chemistry phase. Probably it's super strong with this guy but it still takes a lot longer than 3 months to really know someone and to develop a true deep love for someone. Realize that you are kind of high on natural brain chemicals right now and try to stay rational.

 

As for your boyfriend and his friend the one thing I found concerning is that they were messaging each other during your vacation yet he didn't seem to mention you. Did he tell her he is in a new relationship and in love? I don't want to be a downer but history is usually a good predictor of the future. I have found that when someone reaches middle age and they have never married but instead had a string of shorter relationships, it's not because they haven't met the right person. It's something else, perhaps a need to always feel those heady in love chemicals which usually die down within a couple of years, or perhaps a strong aversion to ever being tied down. There is good chance that this relationship will follow your boyfriend's usual pattern.

 

Bottom line is that you can't control things. If you're going to be in this relationship you need to chill out and enjoy it. Worry and paranoia is not going to make this relationship work, it's just going to make you miserable. I don't think you should tell your boyfriend that you looked at his phone because if it's true that he broke up with his last gf due to trust and jealousy issues then he is going to see your actions as a huge red flag. However do keep in mind that his exgf may have had good reasons for her distrust and this friend may have had something to do with that. Mostly remember that you are still in the very early stages in building your relationship. You are still just getting to know each other so stop telling yourself that this guy is "the one". You don't know that and thinking that way is actually robbing you of some of the joy of falling in love. Like I said, slow your roll.

[What_to_Do87]

you really think so? I actually would never think he would until I have seen that conversation to be honest. And that's the worst of it. As I have seen him in completely different light and now I don't know what to think anymore.

 

And yes, exactly, what they had was not a brief encounter when one or the other is selling a coffee or anything like that.

[What_to_Do87]

Well I am not saying he is the ONE. I don't know that yet. What I know is, that with him I have more in common than with any other person I ever had (including friends). What I know is, with him I did not question if I love him. Of course, profound love needs time, I am not saying I am there. Not by far. But I do love him.

 

No, he hasn't told her that he is with his girlfriend. He only said ''we are flying back'' which might have been anyone. And she didn't ask anything anymore so I don't know what he would have said if she did.

As for his previous relationships; first 2 year long one - I do not know why it ended, he might have said, but I forgot, second 2 year long one - he said that was the biggest mistake he had eve made, he stayed with a girl for 2 years even though he did not love her and she did. He said he thought it will come later, but it never did and he was afraid to hurt her. He told me he would never do such a thing again and it was stupid. The almost 1 year long one (with his jealous one), she actually broke up with him, not other way around. He said that she told him she is very jealous right at the beginning of the relationship - so there was already that. Now I do not know what happened exactly, he just said that the last 2 months were really bad, they fought a lot and he did not even do anything, but she wouldn't believe him. I know a leave does not move without the wind, so there must have been something, however, I do not know exactly.

As for him, I don't know. He does seem to make plans with me for the future..I mean nothing concrete, but he said once when I told my mom about him and she responded ''I hope that he is already your last one'', I told him that, and he said, tell your mom I hope the same. And some small things like that. He told me however once in a conversation we had about cheating and long term realtionships etc, he said, ''I can't promise you that no one more attractive or interesting will come along and we stay together forever, but no one can actually promise you that. And you could not promise me that either, right?'' So yeah, firstly, he is very realistic and secondly, he will never promise me ''forever'', which on one hand isn't bad..I prefer that to hearing plain promises. But not sure what exactly did he mean - if he would just leave a happy realtionship because a nicer ass appears or what exactly that meant to be...

Well, as you said, I can't control it..that's one true thing.

Edited March 21, 2019 by What_to_Do87