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I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?


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Old 15th March 2019, 3:20 PM   #31
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JuneL, that's the one thing I'm not worried about. I have tons of evidence.
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:25 PM   #32
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Just because you got evidence doesn’t mean they won’t view you as some crazy woman...did Michael Douglas not have a physical affair with that bunny boiler?
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:29 PM   #33
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So what if they think she crazy.
Give her the info dump, one and done.

If she already knows and doesn't care? So what? You have at least expunged some guilt and prevented further moral injury to yourself.

She doesn't believe you or thinks you crazy? So what? She will keep her eyes open a little more and protects herself nonetheless or find him out.

You don't need to convince her, just show her and unburden yourself.
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:38 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
So what if they think she crazy.
Give her the info dump, one and done.

If she already knows and doesn't care? So what? You have at least expunged some guilt and prevented further moral injury to yourself.

She doesn't believe you or thinks you crazy? So what? She will keep her eyes open a little more and protects herself nonetheless or find him out.

You don't need to convince her, just show her and unburden yourself.
If he’s a serial cheater, how is telling his wife going to stop him from cheating. Perhaps she’s been stupid and oblivious, and will get a divorce (and OP gets her revenge), then he’ll go on having affairs concurrently with multiple willing participants.

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Old 15th March 2019, 3:59 PM   #35
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It would likely put him at least temporarily on hold while he deals with the Dday fallout. Agree that if he's truly addicted to this sort of thing he could go back to it eventually. He also might chose not to after experiencing consequences.

Thought Orokotikki's main point was about benefits for OP?
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Old 15th March 2019, 4:06 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post

Thought Orokotikki's main point was about benefits for OP?
Yeah everything is about her.
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Old 15th March 2019, 4:49 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
S

You don't need to convince her, just show her and unburden yourself.
This is one of the worst reasons to spill the beans about an affair.
A ow or om telling so that they can shift the burden of their guilt to the BS doesn't really help anyone.
It's different if the ow or om is telling because they really do feel bad and want to make amends. I was (un)lucky enough to have the first kind of ow. She contacted me about the affair (I already knew about it by that point) not to apologize or make amends, but to gloat. Her two comments that made me laugh were " if you ever have problems in your marriage and want advice, give me a call" and " we can be good friends". it was so silly and completely out of touch, I had to laugh. I have a feeling that was the exact opposite reaction to what she was hoping for.
Op, if you choose to tell his wife, make sure you are doing it for altruistic reasons. Otherwise, you may well just end up hurting her even more.
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Old 15th March 2019, 4:52 PM   #38
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Actually it doesn't shift any 'guilt', the guilt is on the two APs, it exposes their guilt.
She is unburdened of the complicity, of the lacking need to do what little she can to right her wrong. She expose her guilt, not erases it, it certainly doesn't place guilt on the BS although she may feel pain from the revelation.

Frankly I couldn't give 2 ****s about her motives, and only wish the BS to get the truth they deserve about who lies in bed with them, shares their finances, etc.,
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:01 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
A.
She is unburdened of the complicity, of the lacking need to do what little she can to right her wrong. She expose her guilt, not erases it, it certainly doesn't place guilt on the BS although she may feel pain from the revelation.
I guess I should have explained this better.
To illustrate, the ow in my situation was a serial OW. I don't know why, but it's the kind of relationship style she prefers. I think part of her feels guilty (maybe) and by telling the BS, she was able, at least in her mind, to dump the guilt on to their lap. She could wash her hands of it and walk away, consoling herself that she had "done the right thing". Instead of the affair being about what the WS and OW were doing, it became what the BS wasn't doing, which in her mind, is the cause of affairs.

To her, telling was also a way to get in the last sucker punch. She could help cause all this turmoil then walk away patting herself on the back that she had done the right thing. Thankfully, she's the exception and not the rule.
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:08 PM   #40
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How many times did you engage in EA or PA while married?
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:34 PM   #41
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Beakered - If you were anyone else other than the affair partner, I would say, 'Sure go ahead and tell the wife.' But you are not. You participated in the affair, and now you are a sadder but wiser woman. You voluntarily participated in the affair and presumably knew he was married. Now your marriage is gone and you want revenge. You wouldn't be in this situation if you had not voluntarily entered into the affair in the first place. No, you should mind your own business, as you should have done earlier when the affair started.
None of the above justifies keeping the BS in the dark.

You're trying to make this all about the OP and isn't about her. It's about telling the BS vital information she needs to know.
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:37 PM   #42
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I donít believe this isnít about revenge
The OP's motives DON'T CHANGE the importance of the information to the BS.

This isn't about the OP.
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:41 PM   #43
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I see your point PB, but I view silence as further complicity, and primarily care about empowering the BS.

Yes, she could do it in some ****ty and mean way, but she sounds contrite and will hopefully be gentle and apologetic - which may or may not matter to the BS.
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:23 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
Just because you got evidence doesnít mean they wonít view you as some crazy woman...did Michael Douglas not have a physical affair with that bunny boiler?
Not sure why they'd view me as crazy if I simply apologized to the BS and gave her the evidence...
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:27 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
If he’s a serial cheater, how is telling his wife going to stop him from cheating. Perhaps she’s been stupid and oblivious, and will get a divorce (and OP gets her revenge), then he’ll go on having affairs concurrently with multiple willing participants.
Orokotikki and Mark addressed this, but will say that referring to the BS as "stupid and oblivious" is victim blaming. I suspect lots of BSs have no clue, through no fault of their own.
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