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I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?


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Old 14th March 2019, 12:40 PM   #1
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I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?

I was the other woman in an emotional affair. My story is here, but the tl;dr version is: I thought I had a deep, one-on-one connection with someone who turned out to be having EAs with others. It cost me my marriage.

My question is: should I tell his wife? If he was who I thought he wassomeone with whom I had built up a friendship over a long period of time (years), which eventually turned emotional, and then sexualI probably wouldn't. I'd just chalk it up to being a one-off: two people who fell in love and felt guilty as hell about it (which is what he told me). But it turns out he's a serial cheater. None of his APs knew about the others, and a bunch of us got hurt. This guy is a master manipulator.

If I tell his wife, maybe he'll stop having affairs, misleading others, and potentially blowing up marriages. And if I was his wife, I would definitely want to know. I'd want the right to decide whether to leave and have a chance to find real love. Personally, I wouldn't want to waste a lifetime staying married to someone like that.

On the other hand, it would probably destroy his family. If his wife doesn't already know, she'll be devastated. His kids, too.

Thoughts? I'm really torn here.
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Old 14th March 2019, 1:36 PM   #2
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Yes, tell her 100%
She deserves to know, and it would be a courageous act for you to do so!
You may end up saving her life from STD's, saving her marriage or sanity.
It is his actions which will have damaged her family, not her knowledge of it.
He is evading consequence to use his wife as staff, among other more vicious side effects of not investing himself in his marriage..
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Old 14th March 2019, 1:48 PM   #3
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If you tell her, apologize for your part in the affair and helping him betray her in the worst way. Answer all that she needs to know.

I assume that things are completely over with him and this isn't about you ending up with him in the long run.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:07 PM   #4
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I'm a BS. Please tell her.

However, if you tell her, provide evidence of all you can. Screenshots of text messages, etc. Because guys like this have a good way of explaining away everything. My xWH did and it took me awhile to unravel the mess and get the truth. I wish I would have just had all the evidence in the beginning. If you want to tell her to help her, then be prepared to actually do just that.

And yes, apologize for not caring at all about her feelings until after you felt betrayed by him.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:13 PM   #5
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Beakered - If you were anyone else other than the affair partner, I would say, 'Sure go ahead and tell the wife.' But you are not. You participated in the affair, and now you are a sadder but wiser woman. You voluntarily participated in the affair and presumably knew he was married. Now your marriage is gone and you want revenge. You wouldn't be in this situation if you had not voluntarily entered into the affair in the first place. No, you should mind your own business, as you should have done earlier when the affair started.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:21 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beakered View Post
Thoughts? I'm really torn here.
Dunno, as it's hard for an objective observer not to be suspicious of your motives. There's the lingering scent of revenge, that you're acting out because you caught your AP "cheating" on you. Were the affair ongoing, doubt these noble intentions would be top of mind.

She does deserve to know, just as your H did. Perhaps an anonymous set of screenshots, something involving proof but not further contact from you.

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Originally Posted by Beakered View Post
It cost me my marriage.
Actually, you cost you your marriage...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:05 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Orokotikki View Post
She deserves to know, and it would be a courageous act for you to do so!
You may end up saving her life from STD's, saving her marriage or sanity.
Thanks, Orokotikki, although it's not a courageous act. I'm a sh*tty person for what I did to his wife, and if telling her tips the scales more towards helping than hurting her, I'll do it. And great point about the STDs. Ours wasn't a physical affair, but he's likely had them.

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Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
If you tell her, apologize for your part in the affair and helping him betray her in the worst way. Answer all that she needs to know.

I assume that things are completely over with him and this isn't about you ending up with him in the long run.
I will apologize. And I want no part of this guy, now that I know who he really is. The only thing I feel for him (and myself) is disgust. I'm just so grateful the affair never turned physical.

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Originally Posted by Starswillshine View Post
I'm a BS. Please tell her.

However, if you tell her, provide evidence of all you can. Screenshots of text messages, etc. Because guys like this have a good way of explaining away everything. My xWH did and it took me awhile to unravel the mess and get the truth. I wish I would have just had all the evidence in the beginning. If you want to tell her to help her, then be prepared to actually do just that.

And yes, apologize for not caring at all about her feelings until after you felt betrayed by him.
Sorry you had to go through that, Starswillshine. Yep, an apology is in order. And I'll send her screenshots. Thanks for the tips; this guy is so manipulative I'm sure she'll need ironclad evidence.

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Originally Posted by Guildford View Post
Now your marriage is gone and you want revenge.
I did ask myself if it was about revenge, but I don't think it is. I just want to wash my hands of this mess and get on with my life, but I feel guilty about what I did to his wife, and I'm wondering if by telling her I'll be doing her a favor in the long run. Although I suppose some of it might be self serving; I don't really like myself much anymore, and a shot at redemption, however small, would be nice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Dunno, as it's hard for an objective observer not to be suspicious of your motives. There's the lingering scent of revenge, that you're acting out because you caught your AP "cheating" on you. Were the affair ongoing, doubt these noble intentions would be top of mind.

She does deserve to know, just as your H did. Perhaps an anonymous set of screenshots, something involving proof but not further contact from you.



Actually, you cost you your marriage...

Mr. Lucky
Yes, I did cost me my marriage. I'll never do this again, trust me. And if I do tell her, it will be anonymously. She'll have no idea who I am.


Thanks for everyone's responses so far.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:09 PM   #8
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How did you even find out your OM was having other emotional affairs concurrently?
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:18 PM   #9
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How did you even find out your OM was having other emotional affairs concurrently?
From the link
Met on online hobby forum.
Full throttle... then he went cold.
OP then found out not only was he in an intense EA with her, he was "chatting" to other women on the forum too.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:22 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
From the link
Met on online hobby forum.
Full throttle... then he went cold.
OP then found out not only was he in an intense EA with her, he was "chatting" to other women on the forum too.
But how did she find out he was chatting with other women on their hobby forum sexually?
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:28 PM   #11
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I was going to suggest thinking twice specifically due to kids.

But then I realized that some of the future other OWs might have kids too. What happened to you might happen to them also. And it sounds like he is bound to be found out eventually.

In this case it seems more ethical to tell.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:30 PM   #12
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How did you even find out your OM was having other emotional affairs concurrently?
We were members of a hobby forum. The OM and I messaged each other for a couple of years as friends before I started developing feelings for him. He was always a perfect gentleman, very kind, never a hint of anything inappropriate, which is what led me to believe he was a good guy. But when he saw my picture on social media, he started flirting with me, then hitting on me. And I reciprocated, my bad.

Anyway, one forum member messaged another member and asked if he was being inappropriate with her. She said yes, and then the PMs started flying, and that's when I found out he was hitting on all the attractive members of our forum, and having EAs with a number of us. You might think we were all stupid, but this guy was good. He took his time, developed trusting relationships, and (in retrospect), probably made up mutual interests to make it seem like we were meant for each other. At least, that's what he did to me.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:35 PM   #13
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Quote:
Anyway, one forum member messaged another member and asked if he was being inappropriate with her. She said yes, and then the PMs started flying, and that's when I found out he was hitting on all the attractive members of our forum, and having EAs with a number of us. You might think we were all stupid, but this guy was good. He took his time, developed trusting relationships, and (in retrospect), probably made up mutual interests to make it seem like we were meant for each other. At least, that's what he did to me.
He essentially groomed all of you.
His own little personal forum "harem".
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:37 PM   #14
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If you are going to tell, it shouldn't be anonymously.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:40 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
And it sounds like he is bound to be found out eventually.
This is a great point. In fact, I was dead sure his wife must know, because how on earth would he be able to have so many affairs without his wife ever finding out? So I was going to walk away from the whole thing. But then I read the thread in this forum: I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.

And that made me realize that maybe she didn't know. Some of these guys are crazy good at covering their tracks.
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