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Old 10th March 2019, 6:30 PM   #1
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Decades Later

This question relates to adoption, but I'd welcome all input.

If you had placed a child for adoption many years ago, and they were looking for you, what sort of contact would make it as easy for you to process as possible? What are the chances your spouse would know that you had done this, taking into consideration the difference in the times and the social mores back then.



If you were the husband in this situation, and you found this out, how would you react?
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:26 PM   #2
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contact thru snail mail letters, then email, then text, then facetime, then IRL
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:30 PM   #3
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If I was the husband and found out my wife had gotten pregnant, had an abortion, and gave the child up for adoption all without discussing it with me, I'd kick myself for overlooking such an obvious thing and wonder how I could have possibly missed it, especially in the 3rd trimester.
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:34 PM   #4
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If I was the husband and found out my wife had gotten pregnant, had an abortion, and gave the child up for adoption all without discussing it with me, I'd kick myself for overlooking such an obvious thing and wonder how I could have possibly missed it, especially in the 3rd trimester.
obese women give birth all the time without even knowing they were pregnant
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:52 PM   #5
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obese women give birth all the time without even knowing they were pregnant

Thanks for the visual.
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Old 10th March 2019, 8:40 PM   #6
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This happened to a friend of mine. She gave her daughter up for adoption, as she felt she was too young (19) to be a single mother. Many years later, the adoptive parents located my friend, as the child kept asking about her bio-mom. Some pictures were e-mailed back and forth and they eventually met. After the meeting, the child didn't really try to keep the lines of communication open, although my friend made several attempts, but heard nothing back.

I can only assume the child was curious, met her bio-mom and that curiosity was satisfied.

My friend didn't bring up the subject (again) after the lines of communication broke down, so I didn't bring the subject up either.

My friend is single, so there was no husband to talk to this about. Again, I'm guessing she confided in me, as to get a male point of view and had no other close male friends.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:30 AM   #7
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If I was the husband and found out my wife had gotten pregnant, had an abortion, and gave the child up for adoption all without discussing it with me, I'd kick myself for overlooking such an obvious thing and wonder how I could have possibly missed it, especially in the 3rd trimester.
Okay, I think I need to clarify this.


I'm not talking about if she got pregnant while married. I meant if she had a child before they even met each other.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:48 AM   #8
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To Pepperbird:

I forgot to mention in my post, that the father of my friend (which would be the child's bio-grandfather) wrote a letter to be given to the child when my friend met with her bio-daughter.

My friend told me the letter contained a very heart-felt welcome to the family along with the offer of open lines of communication with the grandfather & grandmother. The child did not follow through with this offer and did not contact the bio-grandfather or bio-grandmother.

Again, (I'm guessing) the goal (of the child) was to meet her bio-mom, satisfy her curiosity and fade away.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:49 AM   #9
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If I had a kid and had to give them up for adoption, I wouldn't want any future contact. That's kind of the point of giving them away - go away and don't come back. Likewise for adoptive families, why would you want the birth mom interfering in your lives? Makes little sense to me, except for the kids being curious. I can't imagine that a husband would be happy about it either, but it depends on the situation I guess.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:29 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
If you had placed a child for adoption many years ago, and they were looking for you, what sort of contact would make it as easy for you to process as possible? What are the chances your spouse would know that you had done this, taking into consideration the difference in the times and the social mores back then.
I personally know only one case where this has happened. In that case, the woman was raped, and was very young (14) at the time of the birth. Abortion was illegal back then, but even if it had been legal, she only had the pregnancy confirmed too late to do anything about it safely. The rapist was a family friend, and she was in denial. Her parents sent her away to a home for unmarried mothers when the pregnancy became obvious, and she gave birth there and had the baby adopted. I connected with her again by chance many many years later (via Facebook) having lost touch when she was sent away.

She was very weirded out when she got the letter forwarded from the religious organisation that had run the unmarried mothers’ home. It was supposed to be a closed adoption, so neither she nor the adoptive family (nor the child) knew who the other was, and by rights the organisation should not have forwarded the letter without first checking with her whether such contact would be welcomed (at the time, she had said to them not to contact her). Because her family had scapegoated her over the rape, and effectively banished her, she had never really dealt with it (there was no proper counselling at the home, just a bunch of praying and asking god for forgiveness for being sinful), so after the birth she’d gone off the rails a bit. Later she met and married an older guy, and they ran a B&B and seemed happy enough when we came across each other on FB. She used to paint as a child, and has become quite well known locally for her art, which was lovely to see.

The letter plunged her right back in that horrible time, and she swallowed heaps of pills (attempted overdose) but her husband found her and got her to hospital in time. She hasn’t been the same, since. He was apparently very supportive, despite not having known about the rape or the pregnancy or any of that. But she’s gone into a spiral of depression and self-harming, terrified that this physical manifestation of her rape will arrive at her door one day. Her husband wrote back to the religious organisation and told them not to contact her, not to forward her details on to the child etc and threatened legal action, but the damage has been done. She’s still getting help - though it’s been a few years now - but she’s stopped painting and doesn’t chat much on FB anymore, so I’m not really sure how she really feels these days. Her husband has health issues of his own, being older, so that must be an issue too.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:43 AM   #11
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I believe I'd welcome any kind of contact from an adopted child.

I've often wished I had more children than I do and it would be just one more to love, if the "child" was willing.

I've had friends who were adopted contact their bio parents. The two I'm thinking of didn't really have a great reunion. It was blah (and disappointing) for both and they didn't keep up the relationship.

Another had his recently discovered bio father at his son's wedding. His adoptive parents had died. Not sure what happened after that but believe the relationship faded.
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Old 11th March 2019, 11:08 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by major_merrick View Post
If I had a kid and had to give them up for adoption, I wouldn't want any future contact. That's kind of the point of giving them away - go away and don't come back. Likewise for adoptive families, why would you want the birth mom interfering in your lives? Makes little sense to me, except for the kids being curious. I can't imagine that a husband would be happy about it either, but it depends on the situation I guess.
usually this happens after the kids turn 18
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:39 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
If you were the husband in this situation, and you found this out, how would you react?
I think the answer is personal and situation specific, there aren't any universal truths here. I'd be supportive but certainly would follow my wife's lead, not my bus to drive.

Certainly could understand if others would feel differently, including the concern over never having been told...

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Old 11th March 2019, 1:47 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Prudence V View Post
I personally know only one case where this has happened. In that case, the woman was raped, and was very young (14) at the time of the birth. Abortion was illegal back then, but even if it had been legal, she only had the pregnancy confirmed too late to do anything about it safely. The rapist was a family friend, and she was in denial. Her parents sent her away to a home for unmarried mothers when the pregnancy became obvious, and she gave birth there and had the baby adopted. I connected with her again by chance many many years later (via Facebook) having lost touch when she was sent away.
That’s a very sad story.
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Old 11th March 2019, 6:44 PM   #15
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obese women give birth all the time without even knowing they were pregnant
LOL is this true?? They must know something??
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