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Missing her or lonely?


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Old 11th March 2019, 2:43 PM   #16
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My fear is going along with it, getting attached, only to find myself affected negatively. <snip> But my mind is telling me, you don’t know how things will turn out for you.
Ah! I *think* that I see what you mean. The thing is, no matter which way you choose, you won't know how things will turn out for you.
So, I'm not sure if taking that off the table can help you make a decision, based on all the other factors that are present?

Since you feel the need to "rationalize being with her", that's probably your own inner sense that you need to be very cautious in the situation. But,
being with her could very likely lead you to getting more and more attached to her, which would put you in a more vulnerable position in the long run.

I guess it is that you like her and enjoy her company despite the fact that you know that the situation is full of emotional risks to you.
It makes it difficult to extricate yourself, especially on top of also feeling lonely, and wanting/needing affection.

Sometimes someone comes along and we feel the connection so strongly that it's like we've been hit by a mega-ton lightning bolt and then a whole bunch of 2x4s on top. .
(It's happened to me a couple of times.) It's not always that it's meant to be a permanent, life-time partnership; quite frequently it's meant to be a 'teaching relationship' for each person,
but with individual 'lessons', usually reflecting the two polarities of a single issue. (E.G., a very giving person can get 'hit over the head' by a very selfish person, or vice versa,
and for each one it's about finding the middle ground; or an 'enabler' and an addict.)

The initial 'lightning bolt' of attraction makes it feel like it's definitely a 'soul mate thing'...which it can turn out to be if both people manage to resolve their personal side of
the 'lesson' that brought them together in the first place. But which, unfortunately, seldom happens. Usually only one learns, or neither of them do, so there's always the tension of the conflict...
...which can feel like just more attraction and reinforce the sense of it just having to be a 'soul mate thing'.

All that to get to the point of offering that perhaps this one is more about karmic relationships than about Twin Flame relationships? (As might be expected, both of those articles
are of a spiritual nature, so please access, and reject or accept, according to your own personal philosophy and belief system.)
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Old 11th March 2019, 6:36 PM   #17
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I’m at a point where I’m giving the positives a lot of weight to rationalize being with her. But my mind is telling me, you don’t know how things will turn out for you. You could end up in another grieving episode. It’s energy (the grieving) that I feel I cannot face or deal with anytime soon. I’ve exhausted my quota for the decade.
You can't see and feel the big picture accurately because your torn between avoiding getting hurt and the negatives . That's understandable risking again becomes a very very hard thing.
Sometimes you might bail rather than risk, self sabotage , it's all understandable.
Ain't much fun going through this crapola at all.

But with her it's all about the negatives . You gotta sort those out that's where your answer is. Were they enough that it just couldn't work anyway ? We don't need to know it's you that's gotta work that out.
Were they the real reason you jumped ship before getting in any deeper, or was it really just fear and those negatives really weren't much of a big deal anyway?
lt's amazing what the mind can do and create in fear.
But you know , if the negatives were real, and it genuinely just wouldn't have worked out , then you did the right thing. Your just missing her and having someone but you genuinely did what you think was best.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th March 2019 at 8:27 AM.. Reason: quote edited
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:28 PM   #18
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Thanks for all the responses. I think Iím going to let things be and stick to my initial gut feeling.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:38 PM   #19
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This is a common conundrum, I think. In the end you have to remember why it didn't work.

You have to be committed to moving on or... you won't.

This post goes to show being the dumper doesn't necessarily put you in the power position.
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Old 13th March 2019, 1:59 AM   #20
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I feel that relationships are supposed to bring us peace of mind and serenity, they're not supposed to become projects from the very start. I have learned from each date and from each person I've been with. I've learned lessons from my mistakes that have helped me become more successful, in all aspects, on future dates and in future relations.

No person is perfect. But, it helps when the positive traits a person possesses outweigh the negative ones. It's a tougher decision when the negatives are things that person can change and fix to improve herself to become more content with herself.

I can only hope that person is just around the corner.

Last edited by Logo; 13th March 2019 at 2:42 AM..
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Old 14th March 2019, 1:09 PM   #21
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I've neglected this post for personal reasons, though, I really like Ronni's post.
Have you considered the possibility, that just perhaps, it could be both?
Being lonely after such a connection and missing what you liked about them isn't mutually exclusive,
Perhaps the loneliness you feel is a testament to the truth of the connection when it was inclusive.

I'll be the first to say, from your posts, that we have what seems to be a lot in common at heart,
Hobbies and whatnot included, the missing of the connection shared, and the confusion of loneliness after the part.
I hope you find some semblance of peace, I hope you are able to wade through your turmoiled mind,
For the connection you shared with her wasn't false, remember that, because those are hard to find.
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:26 PM   #22
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Ronni's post was very informative, great links.

Everyone's post was helpful.

Your point about the two feelings not being mutually exclusive is on point.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 15th March 2019 at 7:42 PM.. Reason: quote removed
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:46 PM   #23
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I miss her voice, I miss laughing with her.

...I’ve been dating for 3 years now.... I haven’t found someone I’ve connected with like I did with her.
Call her and tell her this, and get together with her if she's at all interested.
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...My fear is going along with it, getting attached, only to find myself affected negatively.
You're being weak then. Your fear is currently more important to you than your happiness. Bummer dude.
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...And yes, it was a powerful connection. I don't know why. I'm trying to understand if my judgment of the connection was or is clouded by other things.
Seems to be mainly clouded by fear.

You have two choices -
- live by what could go right and make your life more fulfilling and let you share love with someone, and plan to work on yourself and the relationship to keep it as healthy as you can - and risk the pain if it falls apart at some point

- live by fear of everything you can imagine that might possibly go wrong, and add them all up until it's hopeless - and risk feeling the pain of loneliness you now feel until she eventually finds someone else, and then have the pain of feeling you let a good woman who wanted you drift out of your life for good.

Good luck with the choice. I would rather Make the choice toward happiness than toward the floating nowhere, but that's me.

I do get hurt, but I have found such a connection is exceedingly rare. When I find it I make the most of it I can.


Five years, and you're still remembering and pining for her? Dude, why are you even asking us?
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Old 16th March 2019, 3:56 PM   #24
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I agree with everything you wrote Sunlight. By the way it has only been a few weeks not five years.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th March 2019 at 8:25 AM.. Reason: removed quote
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:03 PM   #25
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Logo,

Just because you are willing to listen to your own inner promptings to be cautious does not mean that you are 'being weak'; it can mean that you are just being smart.

Nobody here, myself included, has any idea of all of the factors, dynamics, history, patterns and tendencies, involved...
...you need to take all of that into account, to make your own decisions and choices.

Best of luck.
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:10 PM   #26
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Thank you. You’re right. I need to think it through carefully before deciding. I’m the one who was there and knows exactly what happened.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th March 2019 at 8:25 AM.. Reason: removed quote
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