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Why don't OWs realize that THEY are the ones with all the power?


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Old 8th March 2019, 9:45 AM   #1
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Why don't OWs realize that THEY are the ones with all the power?

Here's something I never understood. As an OW, I felt i held all the cards. I was the single one, I was the one with all of the choices, all of the options and all of the freedom. Maybe i have too high of an opinion of myself, but i really felt like I was the prize. He was the one that needed to worry about what I was doing when we were not together. I already knew what he was doing.

Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:00 AM   #2
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Because they aren't? The very nature of being the "other" means you are an interloper in an already established relationship. There is no power in that position.
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:13 AM   #3
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Cannot argue about being an "interloper", of course that is true. And I am not trying to create a "pro affair" post.

That has nothing to do with holding the power. A single partner has many more choices than the married partner. The one with the most choices in life always holds the power.
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:15 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by WasOtherWoman View Post
Here's something I never understood. As an OW, I felt i held all the cards. I was the single one, I was the one with all of the choices, all of the options and all of the freedom. Maybe i have too high of an opinion of myself, but i really felt like I was the prize. He was the one that needed to worry about what I was doing when we were not together. I already knew what he was doing.

Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?
Iím with you on that one. Iíve always felt that way, too.
It looks like there are many, though, who get desperate, who actually ARE unhappy with the situation, and these are the ones who post here the most. They are focused on the ďend resultĒ more than on whatís happening in the present, and that can be frustrating, I suppose. The OW posters on here donít represent the majority of OW in the real world, in my opinion.
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:16 AM   #5
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But when a single person decides that they want to become involved with a person that is not available, they've made the choice to put themselves in a lesser than position and have surrendered that power.

Why not engage with other single people instead of someone unavailable?
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:18 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by WasOtherWoman View Post
Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?
Many OWs it seems to me are "vulnerable" in some way, they are often also people pleasers, people whose personality is about caring for others.
They accept the lowly, submissive, #2 position easily.
Their response to bad things happening is to get very hurt and put up with it, instead of getting even.
MM can also be very domineering, guys who wield power, guys who are manipulative and know how to play on emotions. Even the most powerful OW, the OW with an agenda, may end up a quivering wreck in the face of such tactics.
Love is a powerful emotion and once she is hooked, any power she may have had is rendered null and void usually...

MM know that, they know once she is besotted, she is as weak as a kitten.
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:23 AM   #7
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Many OWs it seems to me are "vulnerable" in some way, they are often also people pleasers, people whose personality is about caring for others.
They accept the lowly, submissive, #2 position easily.
Their response to bad things happening is to get very hurt and put up with it, instead of getting even.
MM can also be very domineering, guys who wield power, guys who are manipulative and know how to play on emotions. Even the most powerful OW, the OW with an agenda, may end up a quivering wreck in the face of such tactics.
Love is a powerful emotion and once she is hooked, any power she may have had is rendered null and void usually...

MM know that, they know once she is besotted, she is as weak as a kitten.
I find this to be very true when I read OWs contributions to this forum in particular, but other than that, in 80%+ of all the cases Iím familiar with outside of this site, it doesnít apply. Quite the opposite actually.
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:38 AM   #8
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I find this to be very true when I read OWs contributions to this forum in particular, but other than that, in 80%+ of all the cases Iím familiar with outside of this site, it doesnít apply. Quite the opposite actually.
How do you know how they really feel as I guess most of the posters on here appear normal or in control of the situation IRL, whereas on here we get their true feelings.
I agree some will be detached and at ease with the situation, but then again what are they hiding? Why are they content with peanuts?
Why are they so unavailable to "normal" relationships?
Why are they chasing after other women's husbands?
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:46 AM   #9
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How do you know how they really feel as I guess most of the posters on here appear normal or in control of the situation IRL, whereas on here we get their true feelings.
I agree some will be detached and at ease with the situation, but then again what are they hiding? Why are they content with peanuts?
Why are they so unavailable to "normal" relationships?
Why are they chasing after other women's husbands?
These are very good questions, but quite easy to answer. There are many reasons why a non-official, or a half-official, or a part-time relationship, aka an affair, matches certain single people’s lifestyles, preferences, and schedules (not only OW’s, but OM’s as well). I never saw my A as receiving peanuts. Honestly, I did not want a full-time relationship at that point. Why you ask? Many reasons.

Last edited by Artdeco; 8th March 2019 at 10:56 AM..
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:06 AM   #10
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Yes, the OW has all the choices, where the MM does not. However, the OW has made one bad choice, which largely negates her freedom and options, unless she can easily walk away at any time. Most do not, and are trapped by their emotions - that isn't freedom.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:17 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Many OWs it seems to me are "vulnerable" in some way, they are often also people pleasers, people whose personality is about caring for others.
They accept the lowly, submissive, #2 position easily.
Their response to bad things happening is to get very hurt and put up with it, instead of getting even.
MM can also be very domineering, guys who wield power, guys who are manipulative and know how to play on emotions. Even the most powerful OW, the OW with an agenda, may end up a quivering wreck in the face of such tactics.
Love is a powerful emotion and once she is hooked, any power she may have had is rendered null and void usually...

MM know that, they know once she is besotted, she is as weak as a kitten.
If my experience is any indication, you are correct. I was vulnerable. I generally am a people pleaser until I get kicked in the gut. But I don't typically submit to sub par or #2. In the beginning my A was what I needed. Then in October is started to go a different direction and I gave him every benefit of the doubt. Now it is done.

Love is a powerful emotion and does make you hold on, often longer than you should. But sometimes that weak kitten has a strength that no one sees. And that's how it ends.

I believe BSs have all the power. The have to do nothing in most cases because they have the marriage certificate, the kids, the assets. Hard to walk away from that if you're the WH.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:18 AM   #12
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Yes, the OW has all the choices, where the MM does not. However, the OW has made one bad choice, which largely negates her freedom and options, unless she can easily walk away at any time. Most do not, and are trapped by their emotions - that isn't freedom.
Yes, of course you’re emotionally connected to your partner, but this is true for all relationships, marriages included. You have an emotional bond (or you had one at some point in the past), that’s why you’re there. If it breaks, you walk. Which is easier to do if you’re not married or living together. I think the main difference really relates to the relationship “logistics”, for lack of a better word. All the other stuff is pretty much the same: emotional connection, physical connection, and all the other interpersonal relationship stuff. And if the logistics fit your needs, then you’re usually content.

Last edited by Artdeco; 8th March 2019 at 11:22 AM..
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:27 AM   #13
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But when a single person decides that they want to become involved with a person that is not available, they've made the choice to put themselves in a lesser than position and have surrendered that power.
But this is exactly my point... why would someone allow themself to be put in a lesser position? If someone is man enough to be having an affair with me, they'd better be man enough to treat me as I deserve to be treated.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:32 AM   #14
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How do you know how they really feel as I guess most of the posters on here appear normal or in control of the situation IRL, whereas on here we get their true feelings.
I agree some will be detached and at ease with the situation, but then again what are they hiding? Why are they content with peanuts?
Why are they so unavailable to "normal" relationships?
Why are they chasing after other women's husbands?
I have to agree with you, I think it is more the norm. I don't really think though that people (men or women) generally go looking for affairs (unless they are a serial cheater). That does not make them unavailable to "normal" relationships, it is just not what they are in at the moment.

It is just my personal hot button when i see people not realizing that they are in the power position.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:33 AM   #15
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The person who cares the least about a relationship ending holds the power. In general women in affairs care more so they are rarely in control. All the other stuff sounds good in theory. But rarely do we have MM here upset over his treatment from his AP or not understanding why the affair ended.

From what I've encountered, single ow seem to be even more dependent on the affair then married ow. Of course there are exceptions, my wife is an exception, the poster recent change is an exception. I haven't read OPs story so I have no judgement on her.
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