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I'm sick of men who make excuses to not date you


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There's a ton of articles, websites, and Youtube videos that explain what the flimsy excuses are that men give women, when they decide they don't want to date her. But when you are that woman, confronted with an excuse-maker, it's really hard to be objective, be assertive and call the guy out (if that's even useful or necessary b/c really, why bother since he doesn't value you anyway).

 

That guy I posted about in the dating thread, used the classic excuse that's rejection disguised as a pity-story with me; "My ex broke up with me, I'm not over her, I want to see where that goes." Whether or not that's even true -- he could have moved on and is just dating around and doesn't value me or see me as someone he wants to invest in -- is moot.

 

It really irritates me how some men will use excuses not to date a woman they at the very least, pretended to be attracted to or interested in. This is more of a vent, than anything.

 

When guys use excuses, it's just like, "Why?" Why do you need to lie? Just tell the truth; you had a good time, but you're not interested. It's not the end of the world to be honest. Why can't men be honest? Using flimsy excuses just creates confusion and stress for the other person, which I think is immature because it's a way for the liar to avoid conflict, yet their actions of lying cause the conflict.

 

Just tell the truth. That's not a lot to ask!

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I didn't read your other thread, but if the reason the guy gave you was that he wasn't over his girlfriend, why do you think he's not being honest? Seems like a pretty good reason not to be dating someone else.

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I didn't read your other thread, but if the reason the guy gave you was that he wasn't over his girlfriend, why do you think he's not being honest? Seems like a pretty good reason not to be dating someone else.

 

Because, even if it is true -- if he's not over her -- why would he go on an epic first date with me to begin with? That's not even the point. Who cares if it's true or not.

 

The point of my frustration is, that I think you're missing, is that if he had no romantic interest in me because he's still attached to his ex (or is casually dating other women), he never should have gone on that epic first date with me.

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RecentChange

Kinda a two edged sword though isn’t it?

 

What would you rather hear “sorry, once I got to know you better, I realized you have a terrible personality”. Or that they find you unattractive when naked, or the sex sucks, or they do not like your world opinions or something?

 

Sure, beating around the bush makes you wonder - but people usually do this because they are trying not to be mean or hurt your feelings.

 

By the way, men are not the only ones that do this, women do as well.

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Being bitter with it is not going to help.

His reasoning happens all the time, people think they are ready to date

and have a new relationship when they are really not.

 

Unfortunately they do not realize it until they actually start going out with people

 

You think women don't do the same all the time?

Happens all the time from both sexes.

 

I wish you luck

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Because, even if it is true -- if he's not over her -- why would he go on an epic first date with me to begin with? That's not even the point. Who cares if it's true or not.

 

The point of my frustration is, that I think you're missing, is that if he had no romantic interest in me because he's still attached to his ex (or is casually dating other women), he never should have gone on that epic first date with me.

 

He didn’t know if he had no romantic interest in you until he went out with you & experiences it. Also sometimes it takes an epic first date with someone to realize just how much you miss someone else. Maybe he laughed with you in a way he hasn’t laughed since being with his ex, & it brought back old memories. Either way I don’t think he is lying & he definitely isn’t trying to be a jerk.

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angelfire138

I agree with the poster above me. The nice thing to do would be to say "I had a good time but I'm not interested", if that was the truth. I gather most people don't like confrontation, though, or delivering bad news. I have a lot of trouble rejecting people, I just feel bad.

 

As for the guy who said he's not over his ex, what makes you think he's lying? It's a perfectly reasonable excuse and he may have just realized it after going out with you, even if he had a good time.

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Maybe he thought an epic first date would help him to get over his ex. You know 'fake it til you shake it' and when that didn't happen he realized he's still not over her. I think he was telling the truth. You only dated once? Why so mad?

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Because, even if it is true -- if he's not over her -- why would he go on an epic first date with me to begin with? That's not even the point. Who cares if it's true or not.

 

The point of my frustration is, that I think you're missing, is that if he had no romantic interest in me because he's still attached to his ex (or is casually dating other women), he never should have gone on that epic first date with me.

 

Sometimes you don't know you're not past a breakup until you try to date again. You can have a good time with someone and still realize you're not truly over a former relationship. In that case, it's usually best for the person to break things off and resolve those lingering feelings.

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I hadn't bothered to read anyone else's posts before making my follow-up, but doing so now, I hope OP realizes that the fact that everyone is saying pretty much the same thing suggests the guy wasn't making up an excuse.

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Honestly he shouldn't be dating if that's the truth. I don't think you have to have a dating experiment to know you're still waiting for your ex.

 

But that said, women are even more unlikely than men to tell a guy "Just not interested," because they don't want to hurt feelings. Trouble is none of these people should be on OLD if they're not sure they care ready to move on. Anyway, there's going to be dates that go nowhere and there's going to be sex that goes nowhere, so it's every woman's decision whether to take that gamble or not. I'd say more early dates ending in sex end up going nowhere than not.

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Sure some of the excuses are generic like the dog ate my homework, but whether they are telling you the truth or not, at least they are letting you know it's over...and who cares what reason is, the end message is they will not be seeing you again....and that sure beats the alternative of being ghosted on.

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I'm confused. In your previous thread you were worried about being a potential rebound for this guy. Now it turns out that your gut was correct and he ended it - which saved you from being a rebound. But now you're questioning his reason even though you guessed the truth upfront.

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women don't want to hear the truth

 

Nor do men - they tend to argue against the reason. I think it's a human thing rather than a gender thing. "I'm not ready" or "it's not you, it's me" is so much easier than dealing with the fallout from being honest.

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mark clemson

Isn't the point of the lame excuse to avoid having to give honest, constructive feedback that upsets the other person (because it is often going to touch on the negatives that they are aware of but most sensitive to or in denial about).

 

I think a lot of us wish we could see ourselves from others' perspectives in order to improve. But those truths can be hard to deal with when actually received.

 

"Yes you are too big/too small/wrinkly/dumb/too quiet/whatever..." doesn't work so well in RL, IMO. Never yet met a perfect human being.

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Nor do men - they tend to argue against the reason. I think it's a human thing rather than a gender thing. "I'm not ready" or "it's not you, it's me" is so much easier than dealing with the fallout from being honest.

Ya like being accused of leading them on or "Why did you even say yes to a date then?!" ugh!

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Isn't the point of the lame excuse to avoid having to give honest, constructive feedback that upsets the other person (because it is often going to touch on the negatives that they are aware of but most sensitive to or in denial about).

 

Yes indeed. But there are also times when you can't put your finger on the issue. Even when I left my ex-h, I could name a couple of the issues but I didn't get true clarity until quite some time after I'd left.

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Try telling the truth And getting into a woman’s pants at the same time

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Iris The Butterfly
His reasoning happens all the time, people think they are ready to date

and have a new relationship when they are really not.Unfortunately they do not realize it until they actually start going out with people

 

I feel your pain. This happened to me a year ago but it was 5 months of dating, and he ghosted me so that pretty much killed me for a good 6 months after. Still think about him. I'm sorry that happened but be glad it was only one date!!!!

 

I agree that people don't go into a rebound-potential thinking or intending it to be a rebound, it just kind of happens.

 

My guy that I dated last year was 3 months out of a rocky on and off again relationship with his ex of 4 years when we met online and apparently had broken up with her for the second time. Found out 2 months in after we spent half of each week and even spent the holidays together and I was falling in love with him that he was still talking to her in secret. Soon after he admitted he was still heartbroken over her and was going through a lot and wasn't ready for a relationship. At the time I was obsessing over WHY he wasn't ready, or what that even meant. Looking back I can see clearly it was just an excuse. MAYBE a part of him wasn't ready, but maybe the other part was that he just lost interest in me and wanted to play the field. Once he told me he thought I was "too square. I like to live my life on the edge." Maybge he dumped me because he didn't like that I was "too square". I don't f'ing know. The one thing I know is that he didn't want to hurt my feelings, but I'll never know why he dated me for that long to only make an excuse and disappear. Tomorrow marks one year since I last saw him. Still hurts.

 

Point is: be with someone who doesn't make excuses. I've learned this the hard way. My previous ex (who did love me) always made the excuse that he wasn't ready for xyz. He kept postponing moving to CA (we were long distance) because of work. I reached my breaking point at one year and told him that I knew he really didn't want to move and it was just an excuse. I broke it off for that reason among others but the point is excuses don't fly with me anymore. I'm tired of it too. Hang in there!

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Point is: be with someone who doesn't make excuses. I've learned this the hard way. My previous ex (who did love me) always made the excuse that he wasn't ready for xyz. He kept postponing moving to CA (we were long distance) because of work. I reached my breaking point at one year and told him that I knew he really didn't want to move and it was just an excuse. I broke it off for that reason among others but the point is excuses don't fly with me anymore. I'm tired of it too. Hang in there!

 

littlebridge: wow sorry to hear that he put you through that. Yeesh! But your ex illustrates exactly what my gripe is with men who make excuses as to why they don't want to date a woman, whether it's after the first epic date, or a few months or longer.

 

I can't believe he was cheating on you emotionally with his ex, while dating you (I've actually had this happen to me also and it SUCKS).

 

But when a man says he's "not ready," that IS an excuse, whether he thinks his reasoning is valid or not, because it's not the truth, which is: he's no longer interested in being with the woman, and rather than respect her enough to tell her the truth (which obvs. will hurt her feelings), he lies to her (which hurts her feelings regardless but is also an insult to injury b/c of the lack of respect he's shown by making up a dumb excuse).

 

The posters here who defend men giving these lame excuses so they don't have to hurt the woman's feelings are not seeing that it's actually not up to the guy to control how a woman reacts to his truth or lies. It's up to the woman. Don't lower her intelligence, by stating that women are too sensitive or vulnerable to deserve being hurt by the truth. That is total baloney. Men are not allowed to control how women react when they act like a jerk, and then try to weasel out of it by giving a flimsy excuse that is a total lie, which creates more stress and confusion for the woman, which is crueler than just owning up to the fact that you're an immature dog, and you don't like her. She'll get over you. Trust me.

 

Here's a self-prescribed "dating coach" video about guys and the excuses they use not to date a woman after they meet her:

 

 

Here is an article that highlights 13 men's responses to the truth behind the excuse, "I'm just not ready to date you,"

 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/rania-naim/2016/05/13-men-share-what-they-really-mean-when-they-say-theyre-not-ready/

 

And here is another article, reason #4 resonates loudly with me about my recent epic date failure (My gut said "rebound" but his intentions were rejection so it evened itself out).

 

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/when-hes-clearly-not-into-you/1057747

 

Excuses from men are about their priorities. That's what I'm beginning to understand about why they use stupid excuses. If he wants to keep you as an option, or totally reject you, he'll lie with an excuse. If he absolutely values and respects you, you'll become a priority. If people would stop being scared to be honest with each other, that would eliminate all the confusion and everything that doesn't need to happen with dating and relationships.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Iris The Butterfly

It STILL hurts, sadly I still think about this guy and I'm even in a new relationship with a guy who has never made any excuses... because he actually wants to be with me and doesn't have emotional baggage from a past breakup that was recent, and doesn't hang on to his exes.

 

I think that you are right, when someone makes an excuse it is to keep as an option, because that is what the guy last year did to me. He didn't want to lose me completely but didn't want to go all in and drop contact with his ex and/or other women I guess. Took me awhile to gather my dignity and courage to walk away (never contact him again either).

 

Hard stuff.

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But when a man says he's "not ready," that IS an excuse, whether he thinks his reasoning is valid or not, because it's not the truth, which is: he's no longer interested in being with the woman, and rather than respect her enough to tell her the truth (which obvs. will hurt her feelings), he lies to her (which hurts her feelings regardless but is also an insult to injury b/c of the lack of respect he's shown by making up a dumb excuse).

 

So what would a guy, who after this "epic" first date has decided he really is doing you a disservice because he's just not ready, say to you :confused: ?

 

Would you rather he lead you on in hopes of sleeping with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Believe me Auggie, I know how hard dating is when you are really wanting to find that special someone...

 

I just can’t help but think, dating is going to be really hard for you if you invest this much emotional energy into each date, particularly when it doesn’t work out...

 

Because, let’s be honest here... unless you are really lucky it will not work out many times before it finally happens...

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LivingWaterPlease

Auggie, have you ever dated someone you weren't attracted to and had to tell him you didn't want to date him anymore? If so, what did you tell him?

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