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Does dating someone "out of your league" affect future dating choices?


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Old 24th February 2019, 6:23 PM   #16
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I can relate to some of this.

However,I've spent most of my dating life dating men less than me as far as looks. I've dated, although mostly casually, a few semi pro athletes, fitness buffs, and I knew one former pro athlete. I decided I want someone who is into fitness like me.

I do think being with men I find attractive made it much more difficult to be with average Joe. I don't feel like this deprives me of a relationship. If I'm really active, and the guy is a couch potato, that's a serious lifestyle difference. Average looking guys and unattractive guys are not by default nicer or romantic.

Most guys push for sex very quickly so I feel the (un)attraction very quickly. Im not into most men in a monkey sex kind of way. It may be nice to look at people for what's on the inside, but that's not how people work. I don't think it's fair that a man can judge me by how I look (and thus push for sex by date #2), but I'm supposed to see what's on the inside when it comes to him. There are some people ugly inside and out, too.
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Old 24th February 2019, 6:40 PM   #17
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The way I see it, most "hot" people are a lot like modern mid-grade "luxury" housing. Of course you always want to upgrade when you move, but if you're stuck on appearances, then when you do finally settle into something that suits your tastes and your price range, you're likely to eventually find yourself watching in dismay as the veneer wears off to reveal that you've traded an awful lot of structural integrity away for an aesthetic that never had any chance of lasting because it was plastered over the cheapest possible building materials.

On the other hand, if you can snag a place that's solidly built but not spectacularly finished, you can improve the cosmetic details over time to suit your preferences, AND be assured that that your walls and floors aren't going to start collapsing.

It's not that "hot" people are inherently garbage, it's just that SO much of what you see is a facade that's only made to last long enough to get you to sign the mortgage.

It makes a lot more sense to look at a person's underlying structure (skeletal proportions, symmetry and spacing of facial features, dentition, overall health, etc.) than all the stuff that's plastered on top to make them look "hot." Especially if you intend to reproduce with said person. Most of the things that make a person register as "hot" on the surface (makeup, hairstyle, clothing selection, affectation of posture and demeanor, etc.) are not inherent traits. Most 9s are just highly polished natural 6s.

Personally, I'd rate myself at like a 5 on average these days. I got really sick for a while (tick bite) so I've gained a few extra pounds, short hair because I couldn't be bothered to take care of it, zero makeup, no sexy clothes, etc. But the underlying structure is still there, and when I get back in shape and have the time and energy to take care of the details, I could be a solid 8 for most people, and an easy 9 for anyone who is partial to petite brunettes.

With women especially, a lot of the hot ones are only hot because they've had other people investing in their beauty - whether it's their father or their husband or a succession of well-to-do boyfriends or sugar daddies (or baby daddies, or Uncle Sam... or they're going into debt for it). It's the strategic application of time and resources which they only have because someone else is subsidizing them.

Lots of plain-looking women COULD be just as hot or hotter, but if they're from a poor family and a poor area and work long hours doing menial labor to make ends meet, they're not going to be spending the requisite time/$$$ to "wow" you with perfectly cut and styled hair, flattering wardrobe, expertly applied makeup, painstakingly sculpted body, and carefully practiced mannerisms.

But I daresay MOST of these women would be happy to polish themselves up for a man who is willing to help fund the process. And honestly, if you don't want to pay for your woman's beauty yourself but you still insist on dating only hotties... you're getting what some other man (or a lot of other men) has paid for, and all the baggage that comes with it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting an attractive partner, but if you make what's on the surface right now your main criteria, don't be surprised if you end up disappointed.

Last edited by Kitty Tantrum; 24th February 2019 at 6:48 PM..
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Old 24th February 2019, 10:36 PM   #18
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It absolutely does
That's an interesting post and it's exactly what a buddy of mine experienced, as I mentioned above.

It's funny, you can see that it's making some people defensive, but I guess uncomfortable truths are, just that, uncomfortable!

I'm merely discussing an observation I've made based on the experiences of a buddy of mine, and a realization that I, too, perhaps may find it somewhat challenging moving forward. My relationship really is on the rocks and I've porbably held on too long because I'm so physically attracted to this woman.

It's easy to denigrate the person delivering the message. It's easy to try and dismiss the message my questioning the credibility of the person whose raised the situation. It's a lot harder to do, as you say, some soul searching and try to accept and deal with something in life which may just have some solid validity.

I don't make the rules of nature, but I sure like observing and trying to understand them. It helps learn, grow and ultimateltly make better and more informed life choices. Many are too afraid to confront uncomfortable truths and, instead let their cognitive dissonance take over, defending their comfortable position with strawman arguments and deflections.
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Old 24th February 2019, 11:03 PM   #19
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And this entirely sums up what is wrong with modern dating.
Yes, but looks will always be a prominent feature in attracting a suitable mate. However, in conventional setting (pre internet) one could display other desirable attributes which could potentially win over an attractive person.

It's unfortunate that the scope for attracting people online is limited purely by your own ability to market yourself in the looks dept. It's the modern way and we have to deal with it.
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Old 24th February 2019, 11:14 PM   #20
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I can understand not wanting to be with someone who is ugly to you

But I think anybody would do themselves a disservice to exclusively date the hottest looking nines and tens and that's it especially if most of the ones you have dated were not good relationship partners

You want someone who is attractive enough and is good to you for a lifetime. If they are drop dead gorgeous that should be a bonus. But the important thing is if they are good to you. i dated some very good looking guys but they were not/would not make good boyfriends/husbands.

So for those who care about having someone who is good to them I think it's smart to open up the dating pool to someone who is attractive enough but value how they treat you. This doesn't mean you cstop giving your nines and tens a chance. It does mean you stop giving nines and tens a pass for just being hot meaning having the sack to let them go if they are horrible girlfriends. It does mean that maybe also give the sevens and eights a shot anyway. If after you go on one date and your not attracted then don't force it. But you may be suprise on how they may attract you if you just choose to give them a chance anyway. .
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Old 25th February 2019, 1:29 AM   #21
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An old GF of mine from years ago was just so smoking hot. Like, if I left her alone for 3 mins to use the bathroom at a restaurant, there would be some dude at our table trying to hit her up. Never failed. After spending some time with her, other women were just less attractive to me. Think about it, when you spend months or years having sex with a 9, how do you get all hot and bothered for a 5? It really did take me a good couple years to get used to average looking women again.
My experience was completely opposite. After being cheated on and divorced by my head-turning first wife, I wanted a partner who was kind, grounded, self-aware and empathetic. Funny how looks become a lower priority after that kind of experience...

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Old 25th February 2019, 8:44 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
Yes, but looks will always be a prominent feature in attracting a suitable mate. However, in conventional setting (pre internet) one could display other desirable attributes which could potentially win over an attractive person.

It's unfortunate that the scope for attracting people online is limited purely by your own ability to market yourself in the looks dept. It's the modern way and we have to deal with it.
Strange, as I thought this would be easier on men. Most women I see (well I guess mostly 35 and under) are at least cute. Most women have curves.

Dare I say that women have a higher baseline attractiveness. If a man wanted someone with a cute face and t&a, that's everywhere. Most women just need to not let themselves go. I see some women who like dayum good, like they walked out of a magazine.

I've been told on is to lower my standards and date lesser men. I think they are somewhat conceding that being beautiful is more rare in a man.
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Old 25th February 2019, 11:54 AM   #23
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A big part of hotness is effort and how you act. It's mostly just not being fat, doing your hair right, makeup, clothing. Have you ever seen hot celebrities without makeup? It always amazes me that a lot of men don't know that most of hotness is made and acted out, not born with.

If you're talking about actual facial features, you have the best chance of relationship success with someone that looks like you. Look at photos of successful couples, they look like each other in features and expression. If you have a big nose, date someone with a big nose, etc. If you have a toothy grin, date someone the same. Of course success presupposes you have self love.

It also helps to understand the opposite sex is also a human being, not aliens from another planet. It is possible to find an opposite sex version of yourself. When you do, you get along well because you understand each other. If you have low self esteem and self loathing then none of this works.
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Old 25th February 2019, 12:34 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Kitty Tantrum View Post
The way I see it, most "hot" people are a lot like modern mid-grade "luxury" housing. Of course you always want to upgrade when you move, but if you're stuck on appearances, then when you do finally settle into something that suits your tastes and your price range, you're likely to eventually find yourself watching in dismay as the veneer wears off to reveal that you've traded an awful lot of structural integrity away for an aesthetic that never had any chance of lasting because it was plastered over the cheapest possible building materials.<snip>
Lots of truth here. Looking good takes discipline, time and money.

I have these 2 exes. Ex #1 I dated in uni. She was all natural talent but she didn't exercise, had bad posture, didn't know how to dress herself, didn't know how to smile for a picture. Her main focus was doing well in school really. We're still in touch and somewhere along the way she got up to speed on taking care of herself, because now she's a smokeshow (and a successful woman to boot!)

Meanwhile, ex #2 who I dated immediately after her, I was honestly more attracted to at the time. But she did it by putting a ton of effort into her looks. Skin care, hair care, eating carefully to keep up her figure. In hindsight it was a tenuous balance for her to look that way. Since then she's really lost it.

I think that beyond judging people on who they are, and not how they look, one would be wise to differentiate whether or not you're attracted to the person, or to their best presentation.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th February 2019 at 12:48 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote; fix spacing
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Old 25th February 2019, 1:46 PM   #25
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I think they are somewhat conceding that being beautiful is more rare in a man.
Interesting thought. I've always thought there were more pretty women than handsome men but assumed that bias was a product of my orientation...

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Old 25th February 2019, 2:08 PM   #26
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What a bizarre way of looking for a life partner...


On the bright side, there are a whole bunch of us that don't subscribe to that sort of nonsense. Come join us! The water is warm(-ish).
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Old 25th February 2019, 2:15 PM   #27
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One of my kids dated a gorgeous guy only or primarily because he was gorgeous. That particular guy was intellectually and emotionally flat. She learned that she needs an intellectual connection and someone with joie de vivre. It's a classic realization and, I'd think, a common conclusion for people after relationships founded on looks only. Dating is a process in which we learn about ourselves as much as about others.
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Old 25th February 2019, 2:48 PM   #28
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Interesting thought. I've always thought there were more pretty women than handsome men but assumed that bias was a product of my orientation...

Mr. Lucky
I'd also say there are more men who are flat out unattractive than women. Most women have at least one thing that's beautiful or sexy about them.
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Old 25th February 2019, 4:51 PM   #29
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I'd also say there are more men who are flat out unattractive than women. Most women have at least one thing that's beautiful or sexy about them.
Women are built to be pretty and attract a man. Men are built for work. This is why you (just a guess) look hot in your yoga pants and I can pick up heavy crap at the gym.
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Old 25th February 2019, 5:05 PM   #30
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To answer the original post, I think it all comes down to having more confidence.

That being said, while I understand and it may be usefully demonstrative to call people a '5' or a '9' (in a forum response), I can't help but wonder if people actually think of others that way (with numbers I mean). It just seems so silly like a grade school thing.
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