Jump to content

Stingy husband


Recommended Posts

Sisters and brothers,

 

I desperately need advice, please.

 

I love my husband dearly, and it feels like he loves me too.

 

However, he has got to be the stingiest b****** this world has ever seen.

 

It’s as if he’s innately reluctant, almost physically and mentally incapable, of parting company with money.

 

We are married, have separate bank accounts, both work full time and earn about the same. We’re OK off; not excessively rich but certainly not poor.

 

My husband is very price-aware, if not thrifty. While my husband does contribute, I feel I end up paying the lion’s share of our expenses, simply because he is so intuitively slow to stick his hand in his pocket. Household bills usually don’t get paid until I pay them. He’s usually not got any cash on him.

 

Sometimes his behaviour drives me crazy.

 

Such as now for instance.

 

We’ve got two cars and he normally takes the bigger one (as he commutes every day, whereas I work from home some days). However, this morning, I was surprised to discover that he’d taken the little car, leaving the big one to me. When I stepped inside and saw the petrol indicator, I understood why. It was running low on fuel, so basically, in his constant endeavour to avoid spending, he’d left me to fill it up. He hadn’t asked me, just left it with me.

 

It’s not the only example; it’s as if he just cannot bring himself to give out his pennies.

 

We’ve been together for a long time – over 20 years – but this part of his personality still drives me crazy now and then.

 

I’ve tried to raise it gently in the past, but he always denies it and makes me looking like the bad one who’s keeping track of who pays for what. Sometimes it ends up as an argument, so I’m very reluctant to raise it again.

 

What can I do to get him to more willingly stick his hand in his pocket?

 

On a good day, I don’t worry about it. At least we’ve got enough between us to have an OK life. And I think that if we were ever to get divorced (not that we’ve got any plans) or he died then at least I’d get my share of his savings (he must have a lot!)

 

Other days, I feel angry, hurt, and as if I’m being taken for a ride.

What shall I do?

 

Thank you for any advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Happy Lemming

In the short term, don't fill up the big car, just put 1/4 tank of gasoline/petrol in it. Eventually, the small car will get low on fuel and he'll be forced to fill up one of the two vehicles.

 

Have you ever sat down and did a monthly budget?? Spend all of the money on paper first (including an agreed amount for savings) and you both stick to the budget.

 

As for being the stingiest b****** in the world, that can't be true, as my girlfriend tells me I have that title.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's denying your feelings for the situation, so use a different approach: Do the math. Show him the spreadsheet that documents that you're paying a disproportionate amount of the expenses. He can argue about your feelings but he can't argue against math.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
We’ve been together for a long time – over 20 years – but this part of his personality still drives me crazy now and then.

You say "still" so I assume this part of his personality is not a new development, but has been there all this time. Changing someone after all that time can be extremely difficult. He is very set in his ways at this point. After 20 years of marriage, and of you accepting him as he is and allowing the situation to go on for so long, you're certainly facing an uphill struggle getting him to change now! Some might also say unreasonable: you married him as he was, you accepted it, and by asking him to change now, you're the unreasonable one. I wouldn't say that, but he might use that against you.

 

The most sensible system that I always recommend to any cohabiting couple is to set up a joint account in addition to keeping your individual accounts. You both continue to get paid into your sole accounts, and every month you both make a monthly payment into the joint account, say £500. From the joint account you pay joint bills, pay joint expenses, groceries, buy fuel for shared cars, etc. For individual spending you carry on using your sole accounts.

 

Getting him to agree to that may be a lot easier than trying to get him to open his wallet every day.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hi all,

 

Thank you so much for your suggestions. Some good ones in there, including the one with only filling up the tank 1/4 - HA!

 

Yes, good point about not expecting him to change. Point taken. For some reason, I keep hoping he will and it causes me a lot of disappointment to constantly realise that he won't :).

 

Also very good suggestions to be objective and play it on the facts rather than on the emotions. He is certainly the type of guy who is more persuaded by facts and figures than emotions (he's a scientist!).

 

Great idea about the joint bank account. I have suggested that myself a couple of times it the past as I've seen that as the only way to ensure our expenditure is equal.

 

For some reason, he resists this suggestion, however.

 

I think it may be because he doesn't like the feeling of not being in control of his expenses. It's quite obvious when he's in a taxi. He gets tense and agitated looking at the metre rolling, not knowing what it'll end on. He also didn't want to make an extension to our house because there was no way of ensuring what the final cost would be.

 

So I think it's the lack of control he fears with a joint account, i.e. me possibly spending more on spoiling the kids, which I am inclined to do more then he does. But I suppose that could come out of my own account then, and we'd need to lay down some ground rules of what qualified as a 'joint expense'?

 

With the risk of exploiting fellow posters' kindness here, does anyone has any tips or suggestions for this?

 

Many thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Happy Lemming

With the risk of exploiting fellow posters' kindness here, does anyone has any tips or suggestions for this?

 

Sit down with all of the household expenses.

Electric

Mortgage

Car Insurance

Travel & Entertainment

Water & Sewer

Internet

Food

Etc.

and ask him which expenses does he consider joint and what percentage does he think he should pay, then make a spreadsheet.

 

If he is a scientist he may be more receptive to seeing everything in columns on paper. Don't split hairs if he thinks he only consumes 40% of the water, so be it. You have to pick and chose your battles in this exercise and be ready to compromise. Like others have stated, you aren't going to change him, but you may be able to slightly adjust his thinking.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you split grocery costs? Tell him to shell out a bigger percentage because he’s eating more than you.

 

This man is ridiculous. He needs therapy. He sounds like one of those millionaires who would go out and still a bottle of water.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Personally, I am a big fan of shared finances for couples, with perhaps the caveat of each spouse having a (small) personal account for discretionary things.

 

I mean, you need to be able to agree on finances, on savings and investment goals, and ultimately on spending priorities.

 

I mean, things like mortgage, insurance, food, utilities, etc., should optimally be paid out of a single account, since both people enjoy those benefits. When it comes down to things like buying gifts, personal items, lunch with friends, etc., then I think that's what the personal accounts described above would be for.

 

The fact that you apparently have no idea how much money he has saved is a HUGE concern by itself.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband can be stingy too so I understand your pain. This morning we were driving to work together because I had an appointment on the block where his office is. We stooped to get him his morning coffee & he got back in the car with a bagel but never offered to share. I get on him about nonsense like that all the time. He just doesn't offer. I didn't even want the bagel. I just wanted him to offer.

 

As others have suggested a spreadsheet will help but you also need a 3rd household bank account that both of you fund. All household expenses should be paid from there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The fact that you apparently have no idea how much money he has saved is a HUGE concern by itself.

 

Agreed. Or what he might be spending it on.

 

Incredulous, if you think this system's not working for you now, wait until you reach retirement age. Unless you want to spend your 70's working as a Walmart greeter (or local equivalent), time for a "come to Jesus" discussion with him. This isn't a personality quirk, it's systematic financial abuse...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

How the heck you lived 20 years with this man?? I had a partner like this and by the 2nd year I wanted to shove him through the window... Not that much for being a financial burden to me, but for the entitled spoiled attitude .

 

In the end I was asking him to present me with receipts of everything shared, let him pay the bills and reimbursed him with exactly 50% in the end of each month. Cold but sort of worked out. Sort of, because the financial issue was solved but I couldn’t shake the resentment that was there already :sick:

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Can't believe you've stuck with him that long. That part about leaving you an empty car to fill is a dealbreaker to me. That's like my friend whose first husband got a ride from her 20 miles to work every day but wouldn't help pay for the auto insurance much less help buy an auto because "I'm not the one who wanted a car." She divorced him.

 

If it were me, I'd probably change the locks on my car so he can't use it, period. Then I'd tell him he's paying the bills you laid out for him and not pay them and let him deal with it when the electricity gets cut off or his car payment isn't paid. Right now you're enabling this behavior by taking care of it for him. Tell him you're going to stop and he's going to pay half.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear

Don't worry....He'll die before you do and all that frugality and savings will wind up a windfall for you....:laugh:

 

I am only half kidding, actually...I know of several women right now enjoying themselves immensely on their dead husbands bank accounts/stock holdings, real estate etc...

 

TFY

Link to post
Share on other sites

Except it's not frugality, but true stinginess. That "extra savings" is already being spent, out of her account, to cover expenses that he is unwilling to share, but willing to incur.

Link to post
Share on other sites

People like that are unlikely to change, even after you show him the math and budget. He needs to be honest with you WHY he won't spend money. The real reason, probably irrational fear of something...before you knew him. Knowing this still probably won't change him, but at least you will understand it better.

I knew people like that...they did not change and they had plenty of money. Is he a hoarder?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Happy Lemming

Quick question... Do you think his "extra savings" could be a "college fund" for your children?? Being a scientist, maybe he's thinking your children may want to go for advanced degrees?? PHD's??

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tell him exactly what YOU expect.

 

Being evasive doesnt work with a guy like him.

 

Leave him a list every week of what is expected of him.

 

If needed - plan a budget and have him give you money for his share.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess you must love him! I would not tolerate such behaviour in a partner. I have a friend who is a bit like that, but then again he will stay a friend only!

 

I suppose love conquers all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A cheap skate will never be sexy to me.

 

You’re going to need to address the head on and have him put a certain amount in your account every month for household expenses.

 

Has he ever bought you an expensive gift? Jewelry or a trip to surprise you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol
How the heck you lived 20 years with this man?? I had a partner like this and by the 2nd year I wanted to shove him through the window... Not that much for being a financial burden to me, but for the entitled spoiled attitude .

 

In the end I was asking him to present me with receipts of everything shared, let him pay the bills and reimbursed him with exactly 50% in the end of each month. Cold but sort of worked out. Sort of, because the financial issue was solved but I couldn’t shake the resentment that was there already :sick:

 

I dated a man like this for 2 months and that absolutely drove me up the wall! I was never raised to use anyone financially, but I enjoy getting spoiled and enjoy spoiling my partner as well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it's the lack of control he fears with a joint account, i.e. me possibly spending more on spoiling the kids, which I am inclined to do more then he does. But I suppose that could come out of my own account then, and we'd need to lay down some ground rules of what qualified as a 'joint expense'?

Exactly. You lay down specific rules on what the joint account is used for, ahead of time. At first make it a small number of very specific things like household bills. Then if it works, you can always add more items to the joint list.

 

If he refuses then I'd suggest marriage counselling. Money is one of the biggest factors in divorce so it's certainly no small issue.

 

The joint account idea wouldn’t work for someone like him. He would spend money from that account on his personal stuff.

Then he would face some serious wrath. That is why you lay down the rules on what it is and isn't to be used for, ahead of time. And if he breaks the rules, he will face consequences.

 

Get an account with good online banking so you can monitor it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...