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Stingy husband


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Old 19th February 2019, 10:12 AM   #1
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Stingy husband

Sisters and brothers,

I desperately need advice, please.

I love my husband dearly, and it feels like he loves me too.

However, he has got to be the stingiest b****** this world has ever seen.

Its as if hes innately reluctant, almost physically and mentally incapable, of parting company with money.

We are married, have separate bank accounts, both work full time and earn about the same. Were OK off; not excessively rich but certainly not poor.

My husband is very price-aware, if not thrifty. While my husband does contribute, I feel I end up paying the lions share of our expenses, simply because he is so intuitively slow to stick his hand in his pocket. Household bills usually dont get paid until I pay them. Hes usually not got any cash on him.

Sometimes his behaviour drives me crazy.

Such as now for instance.

Weve got two cars and he normally takes the bigger one (as he commutes every day, whereas I work from home some days). However, this morning, I was surprised to discover that hed taken the little car, leaving the big one to me. When I stepped inside and saw the petrol indicator, I understood why. It was running low on fuel, so basically, in his constant endeavour to avoid spending, hed left me to fill it up. He hadnt asked me, just left it with me.

Its not the only example; its as if he just cannot bring himself to give out his pennies.

Weve been together for a long time over 20 years but this part of his personality still drives me crazy now and then.

Ive tried to raise it gently in the past, but he always denies it and makes me looking like the bad one whos keeping track of who pays for what. Sometimes it ends up as an argument, so Im very reluctant to raise it again.

What can I do to get him to more willingly stick his hand in his pocket?

On a good day, I dont worry about it. At least weve got enough between us to have an OK life. And I think that if we were ever to get divorced (not that weve got any plans) or he died then at least Id get my share of his savings (he must have a lot!)

Other days, I feel angry, hurt, and as if Im being taken for a ride.
What shall I do?

Thank you for any advice.
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Old 19th February 2019, 10:27 AM   #2
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In the short term, don't fill up the big car, just put 1/4 tank of gasoline/petrol in it. Eventually, the small car will get low on fuel and he'll be forced to fill up one of the two vehicles.

Have you ever sat down and did a monthly budget?? Spend all of the money on paper first (including an agreed amount for savings) and you both stick to the budget.

As for being the stingiest b****** in the world, that can't be true, as my girlfriend tells me I have that title.
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Old 19th February 2019, 10:42 AM   #3
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He's denying your feelings for the situation, so use a different approach: Do the math. Show him the spreadsheet that documents that you're paying a disproportionate amount of the expenses. He can argue about your feelings but he can't argue against math.
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Old 19th February 2019, 10:53 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Incredulous View Post
We’ve been together for a long time – over 20 years – but this part of his personality still drives me crazy now and then.
You say "still" so I assume this part of his personality is not a new development, but has been there all this time. Changing someone after all that time can be extremely difficult. He is very set in his ways at this point. After 20 years of marriage, and of you accepting him as he is and allowing the situation to go on for so long, you're certainly facing an uphill struggle getting him to change now! Some might also say unreasonable: you married him as he was, you accepted it, and by asking him to change now, you're the unreasonable one. I wouldn't say that, but he might use that against you.

The most sensible system that I always recommend to any cohabiting couple is to set up a joint account in addition to keeping your individual accounts. You both continue to get paid into your sole accounts, and every month you both make a monthly payment into the joint account, say 500. From the joint account you pay joint bills, pay joint expenses, groceries, buy fuel for shared cars, etc. For individual spending you carry on using your sole accounts.

Getting him to agree to that may be a lot easier than trying to get him to open his wallet every day.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:09 AM   #5
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Hi all,

Thank you so much for your suggestions. Some good ones in there, including the one with only filling up the tank 1/4 - HA!

Yes, good point about not expecting him to change. Point taken. For some reason, I keep hoping he will and it causes me a lot of disappointment to constantly realise that he won't .

Also very good suggestions to be objective and play it on the facts rather than on the emotions. He is certainly the type of guy who is more persuaded by facts and figures than emotions (he's a scientist!).

Great idea about the joint bank account. I have suggested that myself a couple of times it the past as I've seen that as the only way to ensure our expenditure is equal.

For some reason, he resists this suggestion, however.

I think it may be because he doesn't like the feeling of not being in control of his expenses. It's quite obvious when he's in a taxi. He gets tense and agitated looking at the metre rolling, not knowing what it'll end on. He also didn't want to make an extension to our house because there was no way of ensuring what the final cost would be.

So I think it's the lack of control he fears with a joint account, i.e. me possibly spending more on spoiling the kids, which I am inclined to do more then he does. But I suppose that could come out of my own account then, and we'd need to lay down some ground rules of what qualified as a 'joint expense'?

With the risk of exploiting fellow posters' kindness here, does anyone has any tips or suggestions for this?

Many thanks.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:13 AM   #6
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The joint account idea wouldnt work for someone like him. He would spend money from that account on his personal stuff.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:27 AM   #7
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With the risk of exploiting fellow posters' kindness here, does anyone has any tips or suggestions for this?
Sit down with all of the household expenses.
Electric
Mortgage
Car Insurance
Travel & Entertainment
Water & Sewer
Internet
Food
Etc.
and ask him which expenses does he consider joint and what percentage does he think he should pay, then make a spreadsheet.

If he is a scientist he may be more receptive to seeing everything in columns on paper. Don't split hairs if he thinks he only consumes 40% of the water, so be it. You have to pick and chose your battles in this exercise and be ready to compromise. Like others have stated, you aren't going to change him, but you may be able to slightly adjust his thinking.
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:37 AM   #8
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How do you split grocery costs? Tell him to shell out a bigger percentage because hes eating more than you.

This man is ridiculous. He needs therapy. He sounds like one of those millionaires who would go out and still a bottle of water.
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Old 19th February 2019, 12:11 PM   #9
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Personally, I am a big fan of shared finances for couples, with perhaps the caveat of each spouse having a (small) personal account for discretionary things.

I mean, you need to be able to agree on finances, on savings and investment goals, and ultimately on spending priorities.

I mean, things like mortgage, insurance, food, utilities, etc., should optimally be paid out of a single account, since both people enjoy those benefits. When it comes down to things like buying gifts, personal items, lunch with friends, etc., then I think that's what the personal accounts described above would be for.

The fact that you apparently have no idea how much money he has saved is a HUGE concern by itself.
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:33 PM   #10
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My husband can be stingy too so I understand your pain. This morning we were driving to work together because I had an appointment on the block where his office is. We stooped to get him his morning coffee & he got back in the car with a bagel but never offered to share. I get on him about nonsense like that all the time. He just doesn't offer. I didn't even want the bagel. I just wanted him to offer.

As others have suggested a spreadsheet will help but you also need a 3rd household bank account that both of you fund. All household expenses should be paid from there.
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:41 PM   #11
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The fact that you apparently have no idea how much money he has saved is a HUGE concern by itself.
Agreed. Or what he might be spending it on.

Incredulous, if you think this system's not working for you now, wait until you reach retirement age. Unless you want to spend your 70's working as a Walmart greeter (or local equivalent), time for a "come to Jesus" discussion with him. This isn't a personality quirk, it's systematic financial abuse...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 19th February 2019, 2:28 PM   #12
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How the heck you lived 20 years with this man?? I had a partner like this and by the 2nd year I wanted to shove him through the window... Not that much for being a financial burden to me, but for the entitled spoiled attitude .

In the end I was asking him to present me with receipts of everything shared, let him pay the bills and reimbursed him with exactly 50% in the end of each month. Cold but sort of worked out. Sort of, because the financial issue was solved but I couldnt shake the resentment that was there already
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Old 19th February 2019, 3:16 PM   #13
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Can't believe you've stuck with him that long. That part about leaving you an empty car to fill is a dealbreaker to me. That's like my friend whose first husband got a ride from her 20 miles to work every day but wouldn't help pay for the auto insurance much less help buy an auto because "I'm not the one who wanted a car." She divorced him.

If it were me, I'd probably change the locks on my car so he can't use it, period. Then I'd tell him he's paying the bills you laid out for him and not pay them and let him deal with it when the electricity gets cut off or his car payment isn't paid. Right now you're enabling this behavior by taking care of it for him. Tell him you're going to stop and he's going to pay half.
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Old 19th February 2019, 3:58 PM   #14
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Don't worry....He'll die before you do and all that frugality and savings will wind up a windfall for you....

I am only half kidding, actually...I know of several women right now enjoying themselves immensely on their dead husbands bank accounts/stock holdings, real estate etc...

TFY
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Old 19th February 2019, 4:12 PM   #15
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Except it's not frugality, but true stinginess. That "extra savings" is already being spent, out of her account, to cover expenses that he is unwilling to share, but willing to incur.
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