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Is the whole institution of marriage built on a shaky foundation?


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Old 18th February 2019, 3:36 PM   #16
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I think people need to really define what is a successful relationship. If you lived happy for a long time but you eventually parted ways is that a success or failure? Im not advocating for people to cheat on each other but just a thought. I think people do need to realize though that for life is definitely not the majority when they do get married.
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:41 PM   #17
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I think people need to really define what is a successful relationship. If you lived happy for a long time but you eventually parted ways is that a success or failure? Im not advocating for people to cheat on each other but just a thought. I think people do need to realize though that for life is definitely not the majority when they do get married.
I completely agree. But here, the question is much more about cheating, than ending a marriage for other reasons. Sometimes, it simply doesnít work out and people should split instead of remaining unhappy. And seperation should occur BEFORE one or the other starts sleeping around. IMHO
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:55 PM   #18
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I completely agree. But here, the question is much more about cheating, than ending a marriage for other reasons. Sometimes, it simply doesnít work out and people should split instead of remaining unhappy. And seperation should occur BEFORE one or the other starts sleeping around. IMHO
I couldnít agree with you more.
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Old 18th February 2019, 3:58 PM   #19
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Focus on your own issues rather than trying to make them about ALL men and ALL women.

Not all men want to have sex with as many women as physically possible.

Not all women want to have sex with just one man and raise as many babies as possible.

And the 'institution of marriage' isn't even about that, anyway. In other times and places it was practically expected that people would cheat, the marriage was about the legal and financial ties, not sexual monogamy. It changes over time as social expectations change.

More to the point:

If you don't want to get married, DON'T!!!
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:01 PM   #20
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I/we didnít get married young. I wonít encourage my son to get married young. My husband and I lived a lot of life before we got together and neither of us have any desire to see wild oats or f*ck around anymore.

Marriage isnít for the faint of heart and takes work and dedication. Some people arenít cut out for it.
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:01 PM   #21
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If you don't want to get married, DON'T!!!

And by the same token if you don't want to stay married then DON'T!!!
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:05 PM   #22
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@elswyth, can you think of examples of institutions that we have set up that fail as often as does marriage?

Sure. 66% of small businesses fail within 10 years, for instance: https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesf.../#43f6091a43b5
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:07 PM   #23
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@thefooloftheyear,

Can you imagine the tense discussions that would take place under that system?

(1 week before marriage license either lapses or renews)

Spouse 1: So, are you signing up for another four years?

Spouse 2: -awkward pause- Umm...well are you?

Spouse 1: Wait, I asked you first.
I don't think it would work that way....well not for most anyway....

I could see it as something like

Several months before the renewal....

Spouse 1)...I'm not really happy with this deal...I'm just letting you know that I will not be renewing...We can choose to remain as cohabitants or I could move out now, it's your choice.."

Spouse 2)..."yeah, I figured...OK...we'll sit down and figure out the particulars and that's that"...

If there were to be histrionics, it would be no different than now..If nothing else, it forces people to make a decision that they know is right, but they keep back burnering...

I just think its better when it's not considered some kind of lifetime binding contract like it is now...

TFY
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:16 PM   #24
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My parents were married 48 years when my Dad died. They always said marriage should be a renewable contract LOL

And they had a great marriage
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:30 PM   #25
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My answers below.

1) Do you think men are biologically designed to have sex with only one woman for 40+ years? Yes or no? No.

2) Do you think women are biologically designed to have sex with only one man for 40+ years? Yes or no? No.

3) Do you think marriage is the right fit for most people? Yes, if "right fit" means that the benefits usually outweigh the drawbacks.

4) The most frequently cited reasons for wanting to get married (Pew again) were love and life-long commitment. But does that make any sense? No. Only very recently in human history have we associated love with marriage.

Ö isn't this building the institution of marriage on a faulty premise, i.e., that men really want to be monogamous for 40+ years? Ö It just seems like we are setting up most men (and some women) to fail by society encouraging marriage. There are other, way more important reasons besides sex why civilized society promotes marriage. Most notably, it provides a stable foundation that supports our continual evolution. Throughout human history, men have gotten their sexual needs satisfied outside the marriage. And I suspect so have women - but they've been craftier at hiding it.
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Old 18th February 2019, 4:43 PM   #26
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Monogamy is very difficult to sustain, given human nature. Some manage it, and they are either very self-disciplined, or are actually very content with their spouse and don't feel much temptation to stray.

IMO, monogamy should NOT be the default expectation. If that were true, people might make a much greater effort to keep their spouse happy if they value them. I don't see why a primary, committed relationship can't exist in conjunction with occasional affairs or a secondary relationship, whether long or short term. Jealousy is the primary reason this often doesn't work, but I think jealousy is a result of social conditioning, rather than an innate behavior or attitude. Jealousy CAN be overcome for many people if they try - people in the polyamorous community are a good example of this, and it also works for those in the swinging lifestyle.
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Old 18th February 2019, 5:25 PM   #27
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Jealousy is the primary reason this often doesn't work, but I think jealousy is a result of social conditioning, rather than an innate behavior or attitude.
I do not believe that, I think jealousy is a primal urge.
It is about defence of territory.
Allowing others to mate with your preferred choice is detrimental to your genes being passed on.
Allowing others to steal your resources by stealing your partner is detrimental to your own children. Mate guarding is therefore very important.
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Old 18th February 2019, 5:29 PM   #28
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l dunno , when l was married 20yr, wondered the same.
Ex and l were head over heals and 5 times the couple of most yet even with that it was still hard being married.
Whole host of things for me. Even with us over time l started to wonder how two people could do it and last . Together all the time, 1 person, te pressures, life , finances, to keep being able to get along , even sharing a bed none stop. And sexually, l see threads all the time men only get married for regular intimacy but to me that's the craziest most bullshyt reason of all. It becomes damn hard sleeping with the one person all that time especially when looks start to go, kids, stresses, life, stoking the same fireplace all that time and especially being married through your younger years up to say 40s.
Maybe it should start at 40s , or 50s, and there'd be a lot less screwing round.
Anyway , as much as we were earlier , it all took it's toll and we didn't work out. But weirdly now 50s, l think l could handle being married next time if there is one. Seems like a much smarter time, a great time in fact , to settle in and cozy up with someone you love to me.

Last edited by chillii; 18th February 2019 at 5:33 PM..
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Old 18th February 2019, 9:10 PM   #29
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Mind you , the whole concept is suppose to be based on love and a mate for life. And sex as everyone seems to call it these days is suppose to be about making love from that love. l believe that if the love remains then the making love is loving someone you truly love whether you both be 30 or at the other end 70s. She's still that hot little 30yr old he fell in love with to him and he's still that 30yr old chunky wunky she fell for years ago too.
l've heard happily married older people talk like this, my dad was still chasing mum around late 70s, us kids saw it in them all the time. even during rough times between them growing up.
So l believe if the love and respect remains ,grows, then so can the marriage because your still what you always were to each other, hopefully even far more so ,and that's what it's suppose to be all about.
Or somem like that.
ps, l always thought my problem was that l just wasn't cut out for marriage back then, l think l could do much better at it now though.

Last edited by chillii; 18th February 2019 at 9:17 PM..
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Old 18th February 2019, 9:20 PM   #30
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i believe in marriage, i believe in being monogamous, i believe most people will be tempted within their marriage to stray...its the nature of the beast


i also believe in marriage having a strong foundation.....because you can build a strong foundation together......i dont care what society thinks of marriage...its beautiful and right and true...i am fifty ...been engaged twice...never married....not for my choice not to marry.....just my life's path...

i still and will always believe in the sanctity and rightness of marriage.the spiritual emotional and physical connection .....and then the creation of family..regardless if i marry ...or not.......deb
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