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I don’t know where to start, well I have been with my BF for 6 years now ..so he wants me to go and live with him and his mother ..Well she is a hoarder And she doesn’t have gas at her house ..She lives in a house that is so old they can’t hook up the gas , but she does have water and light ....He wants me to help out by cleaning up the house with her ..when he is there she doesn’t want to clean up ..We have done stuff but when I go back it looks like she got more stuff inside the house ..She likes people to feel sorry for her and she always plays the victim and I hate that so much ...She is a very kind and loving person . I just feel like no one should be living this way and I shouldn’t have too ..Indont know what to do .. my boyfriend has pointed out that my attitude has changed towards her which it has changed because she doesn’t want to change .. she thinks it’s OK to go buy more stuff which we are trying to get rid of stuff . I just don’t know what to do anymore part of me doesn’t want to go and help ..

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Happy Lemming

DO NOT MOVE INTO THIS HORROR!!

 

Many years ago, I was part of a group of friends that assisted on a "Hoarder" cleanup (although we called the person a pack rat, back then) and it was disgusting. I took load after load after load after load to the dump and the dump smelled better than the crap on my truck.

 

I don't know how this person ate and cooked in that house. I could only go in for "metered doses" and had to come out for fresh air. And after all of our hard work, the hoarder/pack rat refilled the home with junk in about a year to 18 months. All of our efforts were for naught.

 

Why can't your boyfriend and you go get your own place?? As an adult, why is he still living at home, anyway??

 

Also, it is not your job to help the mom. If she got professional help, started the cleanup process herself (and made some head-way), then I would go over on a weekend or two and assist. As long as she is continuing to fill the house, it is a never-ending battle and living in this mess will be an utter horror.

 

Just my two cents...

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His mom is 67 years old and my bf is 47 and I’m 34 ..She been living by her self for 8-9 years now ..Well she been in that house , she doesn’t pay rent or anything because it’s a friends house ..she has been divorced for many years and she can’t even get over it ..His mom is bitter and holds on to the past ..He went back to his mom house in Nov because he felt he needs to help her ..I just found out they shut off the water and she is like whatever about it ..She doesn’t was to call the friends because she doesn’t want them to stop by the house ..She doesn’t have trash it’s more like stuff , cloths etc ...

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Happy Lemming
I just found out they shut off the water and she is like whatever about it

 

Without water, how do you expect the toilets to flush?? Or bathe??

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Well she goes to a friends house to shower , if not she puts the cold water in a coffee maker or pressure cooker ..She has a lot of stuff to boil water

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If you BF wants to live with you & you want to live with him, fine, cohabitate somewhere else.

 

You can't help BF is he hires professional people who deal with hoarders & mom's other mental health issues but you & him can't fix this.

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She even acts like he is her husband ?*♀️?*♀️?*♀️ We have been gone for a week on a little trip all she has done is called him a lot ..I’m close to my mom but she doesn’t call me as much as she has with him ..It’s like I’m sharing my BF with his mother ..He has a brother who is married they don’t want anything to do with her ..The brother disagree on how she lives .We have asked her let’s move into a different places and she tells us no I want to die here ..Which she doesn’t even owe the places ..

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Happy Lemming
Well she goes to a friends house to shower , if not she puts the cold water in a coffee maker or pressure cooker ..She has a lot of stuff to boil water

 

Again, if the water is shut off how is cold water being supplied to the toilet tanks. It usually takes about 1.6 gallons of water to fill a low flow toilet tank and 3-5 gallons for the older style toilet tanks (for each flush). Boiling water has nothing to do with supplying water to the house for basic needs. (Preparing meals, cleaning dishes, washing hands after going to the toilet, etc. etc.) How many times do you think you turn on a faucet in your home in a day?? Flush a toilet?? Start the dishwasher?? Do a load of clothing in the washing machine??

 

I can appreciate a son wanting to help his mother to a certain degree, but even I would draw the line on this mess. Why in the world would you want to put yourself in this situation?? Why not try to help your boyfriend get out of it??

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I can appreciate a son wanting to help his mother to a certain degree, but even I would draw the line on this mess. Why in the world would you want to put yourself in this situation?? Why not try to help your boyfriend get out of it??

 

He feels guilty that he never was really there for her , she even makes him feel guilty too ..I just feel like he has done a lot for me since we been together , he had help my family with things but not this kind of stuff ..I want to help but not live there ..she lives like an hour and half from my family home ..so I don’t mine driving back and forth ..

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Happy Lemming
she even makes him feel guilty too ..I want to help but not live there

 

How healthy do you think it is when the mother makes the son feel guilty about being on his own at 47??

 

So don't live there... I would help with the cleanup if she gets professional help, starts the process, and stops refilling the home.

 

Depending on the laws in your area, a home without running water can be deemed NOT fit for human habitation and will be condemned (red tagged). No one will be allowed to live there.

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She does it , it’s like he can’t tell her the truth if he does she gets mad or hurt ....I am getting tired of it , sad part is that I will have to see her tomorrow ??*♀️??*♀️

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This would be a complete dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't even dream of living with someone in those conditions and I would have zero respect for a man who would be ok with that -- and with a man who would expect me to live like that.

 

From what I've heard about hoarders, they typically have had some huge thing happen in their lives that caused them to do what they do. It typically has to do with abandonment, like her divorce. Regardless of all that, there's no reason on earth to put yourself, your health, and your mental well-being in the middle of that hot mess. If your bf doesn't understand that, then the two of you have a very serious problem.

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Read up on reducing clutter. There are so many great tips that you can pass onto her. There really is no good reason to be buying more stufff if you haven’t paid your water bill.

 

I don’t know how that’s okay with your BF. I know she’s his mom and all but someone needs to call her out on her unhealthy choices, not just placate her.

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Read up on reducing clutter. There are so many great tips that you can pass onto her.

 

If she really is hoarding, tips on clutter reduction won't help.

 

Starone89, you and you BF are wasting your time unless Mom will get professional help. That should be his focus, not moving you into the scene of the crime...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Omg yes that’s how I feel ..why waste my time if she doesn’t want to do it ..I’m just so stress out knowing we are going over there tomorrow ..I’m just hoping just to stay till Saturday then go homes .

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I don’t know where to start, well I have been with my BF for 6 years now ..so he wants me to go and live with him and his mother ..Well she is a hoarder And she doesn’t have gas at her house ..She lives in a house that is so old they can’t hook up the gas , but she does have water and light ....He wants me to help out by cleaning up the house with her ..when he is there she doesn’t want to clean up ..We have done stuff but when I go back it looks like she got more stuff inside the house ..She likes people to feel sorry for her and she always plays the victim and I hate that so much ...She is a very kind and loving person . I just feel like no one should be living this way and I shouldn’t have too ..Indont know what to do .. my boyfriend has pointed out that my attitude has changed towards her which it has changed because she doesn’t want to change .. she thinks it’s OK to go buy more stuff which we are trying to get rid of stuff . I just don’t know what to do anymore part of me doesn’t want to go and help ..

 

You can't just go and clean up the house. She has a disorder and needs professional help and major counseling. Your bf is in denial if he thinks just cleaning up will make it go away or get better. It's a LONG process!

 

I'm advising you not to move in with him and his mom.

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The above poster is right — one cleaning isn’t going to solve anything. Even if she agrees to get help, the chances are very high that she’ll revert right back to what she’s doing. Being childlike and needy is how she operates. She has no motivation change that. There’s no way in hell I’d agree to clean up her mess or live there.

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So here is an update I didn’t stay over, so today I hear that the owner came by the house she didn’t let them into the yard. They told her that she needs to clean up the property. I guess there’s a leak in the other house so the husband is in a come back tomorrow to check it out. So I asked my boyfriend is she starting to clean up and he tells me no ..she started to do other things then to start cleaning ..She is going to wait till the lady husband comes back and she doesn’t believe them ..

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