How do married people successfully keep friends they are attracted to?

[CantGetEnuff]

So I'm guessing this is an issue with pretty much every marriage. You have a friend, or friend(s) of the gender to which you are attracted.

 

I mean this makes sense. You typically seek friends with common interests, great sense of humor, similar values, high intelligence, etc. Some of them are going to be men, and some will be women (and yes, it's 2019 so some of them may be non-binary).

 

Anyway, do people generally intentionally involve spouses whenever possible? Is that basically the easiest/safest way to keep boundaries strong?

 

I ask because I am in an interest/hobby group (think Meetup) that is 50/50 men and women. They are some of my best friends. I really dig these people. We are a "tribe."

 

But one of them I dig the most. She is all sorts of awesome and we vibe very well. We have NEVER been inappropriate. I will call her K.

 

Recently we had an event and both of our spouses were there, and I noticed after a few minutes that K and I were just talking each other's ears off and our spouses were sort of to the side. It was not intentional. K and I just had a lot to discuss, and our spouses are not really into our thing. (They were there because this event was styled as a "family" type of get together. Normally, it's just the core group with no spouses).

 

I did my best to pull in our spouses, but it was a chore.

 

Again, K and I have always been appropriate, but I do sense a "spark" of something. As long as it's left unsaid, is there anything wrong with this? What else is a person supposed to do?

[Wallysbears]

Married people in healthy relationships don't tend to socialize with people of the opposite sex that they are sexually attracted to.

[CantGetEnuff]

So you have to socialize with ugly people? Who in the heck wants to do that?

[losangelena]

So you have to socialize with ugly people? Who in the heck wants to do that?

 

I think there’s a difference between “ugly” and “someone you want to f***.”

[central]

We have an open relationship. If we want - and check with each other first - we can even have sex with those friends. However, very often those friends aren't interested in having sex with us (!! - hard to believe, huh?), so even if we didn't have an open relationship, we could keep most of our attractive friends on a platonic level.

[CantGetEnuff]

losangelena,

 

If a woman is ugly, I'm not going to have any interest in sex with her.

 

But if a woman is attractive, and especially if she is also funny and smart, I am going to, at least on a basic primal level if nothing else, want to have sex with her. It's just biology.

 

But I only want to hang out with attractive, smart, and funny women. If they aren't those things, why bother? I am not going to hang out with ugly, stupid, non-funny women just so I won't be tempted to flirt with them. What would that even accomplish?

[basil67]

You said in another post that you're addicted to women.

 

If you truly want to get a handle on your inappropriate behaviour, then avoiding becoming close to women you find attractive in real life is part of it. You may argue that you haven't crossed the line, but that spark you feel is a step too far.

 

My long ago history has a fair bit of cheating. The only solution was to avoid having close friendships with men. Yes, they are still in my social circle, but I keep an appropriate emotional distance and avoid forming bonds with them.

[basil67]

But I only want to hang out with attractive, smart, and funny women. If they aren't those things, why bother? I am not going to hang out with ugly, stupid, non-funny women just so I won't be tempted to flirt with them. What would that even accomplish?

 

CGE, you seem to live in a binary world where women have it all or have nothing. But this is not an accurate view. What about women who are smart and funny but not attractive to you? Do you not see the point in being their friends either?

[CantGetEnuff]

Basil67,

 

So do you gravitate toward ugly, stupid, un-funny men as potential friends?

 

Haha I a NOT slamming you at all; just making a point. So you basically had to give up being real "friends" with any men? Could you elaborate a bit more? Because it sounds like you have pushed them all aside to just "acquaintance level," not really "friends."

[losangelena]

I find your thinking to be a little narrow-minded. Why does a man need to be attractive for me to be friends with him? That the point of platonic friendship, that sex is removed from the equation, ergo, attractiveness gets taken out of the equation.

 

Also, I don’t know how smarts, humor, and attractiveness are characteristics that all come packaged together. Someone can be funny and smart but “ugly” (I hate that word), while an attractive person can be funny but maybe not smart. I’m not sure why someone has to be all three or none at all in your book.

[RecentChange]

Its about a mind set and boundaries.... ever hear of the "friend zone"?

 

According to your other thread, you have serious, serious boundary and self control issues. You believe you may be a narcissist. So understand that you struggle with things, that others do not.

 

I can't crawl in other people's heads and know their thoughts, but I will tell you a bit about my experiences.

 

I have a number of guy friends, and I would call many of my husband's friends, my friends. We get a long great, sure some are good looking, extremely successful, smart, fun etc etc.

 

BUT THEY ARE IN THE FRIEND ZONE. I simply do not allow myself to be attracted to them. It would be like pursuing my brother - not okay, not acceptable, not considered.

 

You on the other hand do not appear to have this "stop" button that many other people do have.

 

And personally, I have cheated. I understand very clearly what is appropriate interaction, appropriate thoughts.... and what is not. And how we CHOOSE our actions.

 

So no, its not because I surround myself with ugly, stupid boring people - Its because I understand how my actions affect others, and I choose not conduct myself in such a selfish way.

[basil67]

Basil67,

 

So do you gravitate toward ugly, stupid, un-funny men as potential friends?

 

Haha I a NOT slamming you at all; just making a point. So you basically had to give up being real "friends" with any men? Could you elaborate a bit more? Because it sounds like you have pushed them all aside to just "acquaintance level," not really "friends."

 

Yes, men are acquaintances to me - not close friends.

 

And I think you missed my point about the existence of people who are fun and engaging but not someone you want to have sex with. As someone else said, they are the people who live in the 'friend zone'

[minimariah2]

...just making a point.

 

i'm really struggling to understand this point you're trying to make.

 

i don't understand why you keep mentioning UGLY women & men. most of us look average, that's the reality. surely you don't want to f&ck EVERY nice pair of tits and a$$ you see, right? i mean, most people have higher standards than just someone NOT being ugly.

 

my best friend is a man, a very handsome one at that. however - i'm not attracted to him sexually, not even a tiny bit. he's just not my type and doesn't get me going. as simple as that. i also have friends who aren't attractive by any means but they contribute something to my life - i don't know about you but i don't chose my friends based on their looks, since their looks have nothing to do with their wisdom, smarts or sense of humor.

 

how do you keep your boundaries? you cut the contact short & you don't engage in any deep convos, you don't build a friendship. i'm not entirely sure you WANT to do that so... i guess i'll see you on the Infidelity thread in a few months.

[d0nnivain]

You recognize the danger & when you see yourself spending too much time with that person, to the exclusion of your spouse, you walk away & then double down on lavishing attention to your better half. You make sure your SO is always # 1 in all ways & that your SO knows this.

[CantGetEnuff]

I would bet a large amount of money that some of the male friends mentioned by the last few posters have had at least a sexual thought or two about you.

[SophieG]

I would bet a large amount of money that some of the male friends mentioned by the last few posters have had at least a sexual thought or two about you.

 

I've had friends where I thought to myself : If I was single, I'd have sex with him... doesn't mean I act on it. Never have. I don't desire them at that moment because I'm in love with my boyfriend.

[d0nnivain]

It's not the thoughts that cause the problems; it's the actions. Certain lines should not be crossed.

 

My husband is the whole package so it's not that much of an issue for me but he's not a flirty boy. I do enjoy a good banter but I make sure not to cross lines or give too much attention to any other man. A few quips here & there but I'd never ignore my husband all evening in favor of another man.

 

I do find woman & gay men that I have to practically beat to get them to go away when they get too cozy with DH. He has a bad habit of not noticing. On some levels he can be clueless.

[RecentChange]

I would bet a large amount of money that some of the male friends mentioned by the last few posters have had at least a sexual thought or two about you.

 

Perhaps, but they have boundaries and self control, and thus did not act upon it.

 

Why do you struggle so much with boundaries and self control?

[Mr. Lucky]

I would bet a large amount of money that some of the male friends mentioned by the last few posters have had at least a sexual thought or two about you.

 

Of course they have, we all have. Just as I have thoughts, faced with one more boring workday meeting, of hopping on a flight to Fiji tonight and never coming back.

 

I'm not in danger of acting on either impulse.

 

It's not about whether or not we have have those feelings, as you've pointed out biology plays a role. My wife was very attentive when Adam Levine took his shirt off during the Super Bowl halftime show. I reaped the benefits later that night.

 

That's what you do with those feelings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

I would bet a large amount of money that some of the male friends mentioned by the last few posters have had at least a sexual thought or two about you.

 

And if they are well behaved and never cross boundaries, then so be it. The difference being that they have boundary skills which you do not yet possess.

 

That said, this thread isn't about them. It's about you and your alleged desire to take responsibility for changing your history of unacceptable behaviour. You really can't compare yourself to a man who's had a 'sexual thought or two' about a woman.

[GorillaTheater]

I'd try to come up with a post that the OP may find to be of some assistance.

 

But I'm afraid I'm just not smart enough.

[CantGetEnuff]

Why do I struggle with boundaries and self control?

 

Well that’s the question, isn’t it?

 

To be clear, no physical affairs since 2013. I am not a saint but I put the brakes on. The last few years have been sexting/chatting with women online, not women I know in real life. I have flirted some with some female friends but nothing over the top. I have restrained myself some.

 

I am on my phone now so forgive typos (I am generally a grammar Nazi), and I will probably type more robust thoughts tomorrow but I think it comes down to life is short and then we die, so why deny yourself? I do realize that approach could be used to justify lots of things.

 

I appreciate everyone taking time from your day and giving feedback.

[RecentChange]

I think it comes down to life is short and then we die, so why deny yourself?

 

I can think of a few reasons.

 

How about because your selfish actions hurt people you love?

 

Because the measure of a man is how he treats others?

 

Because hedonism isn't generally the path to happiness?

 

I am sure you can come up with some more.

[somanymistakes]

So I'm guessing this is an issue with pretty much every marriage. You have a friend, or friend(s) of the gender to which you are attracted.

 

I mean this makes sense. You typically seek friends with common interests, great sense of humor, similar values, high intelligence, etc. Some of them are going to be men, and some will be women (and yes, it's 2019 so some of them may be non-binary).

 

Anyway, do people generally intentionally involve spouses whenever possible? Is that basically the easiest/safest way to keep boundaries strong?

 

Yes, that is what most people in monogamous relationships do in order to cut down on difficulties - make sure the spouse is always involved, never be alone with someone you think you might be into.

 

In a strong and comfortable relationship that isn't plagued with jealousy (the kind of relationship that is rare on this forum) spouses also sometimes admit when they have little crushes, so that their spouse can tease them about it AND know what to look out for. When it's no longer a secret passion, most of these little crushes die away soon.

 

On the other hand, if one spouse has a very high sex drive and a tendency to be attracted to anyone and everyone, then standard defusing techniques may not work, because the sexed-up spouse may always be thinking those thoughts and looking for an opportunity to act on them.

 

If you have boundary problems, you may need to rethink how you go about life in order to avoid causing harm to others.

 

Some people are not cut out for monogamy. That's okay, but they need to OWN that and not mislead their spouses.

[BaileyB]

Married people in healthy relationships don't tend to socialize with people of the opposite sex that they are sexually attracted to.

 

This. I have a friend who has a very attractive and wonderful husband. I think he is attractive, but I would never engage in an inappropriate relationship because I have boundaries and self control. I also respect my friend too much than to do anything that would be hurtful to her (think about that statement as it relates to your WIFE). Not that we would ever be alone together, because I consider him an acquaintance and not a friend. But, I only ever see this man when he is with his wife. That’s called a boundary... You seem to have none...