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Merging lives... after 30


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I'm in my 30s, BF in his 40s. We have both have completely functioning independent lives - each of us owns homes, investments, pets, and separate friend circles that we intend keeping that way. Thankfully both of us don't have kids from previous relationships but want one together in the not so far future.

 

We are thinking about stepping it up but... It's not like we'll go rent a condo together and adopt a puppy like young people do, one of us basically needs to uproot to even consider moving in, let alone marriage which will be such a big perturbation in our established routines. So I'm thinking a longer transition period may be helpful, but then comes the kid issue that justifies speeding things up before the clock stops ticking...

 

I was wondering how mature couples has merged lives. Have you maintained your assets independent after marriage? When both have owned homes, how did you make the decision who moves where? Was it hard to function as a new cohabiting/married couple if you met later in life?

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I moved into his house. It made more sense because his was a single family home, mine was attached. His had more property and mine had just a small city yard. Plus his was in a better school district.

 

He paid the mortgage and all taxes, etc. independently until we were married as it was his house. I contributed to household expenses and utilities.

 

It was a bit bumpy adjusting at first, as we had both been single, independent adults...but we made it work. And learned how to deal with each other's random quirks.

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We bought a different house, together. (sold our prior homes). We both disrupted our comfortable routines to be together. Once the living situation is resolved fairly and equitably, the rest is relatively minor stuff, and you can keep some things separate, and integrate those that matter, such as some friends.

 

Heck, you could even buy a duplex and live next door to each other - just make an interconnecting door inside!

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Heck, you could even buy a duplex and live next door to each other - just make an interconnecting door inside!

 

Lol duplex would be hilarious... a bit too much independence maybe :D

 

Selling in the current market probably won't be a good choice in both our cases, but I'm thinking to rent out one of the places...

 

I think like Walli's whoever moves in should not pay the mortgage of the other at least initially... Not sure what makes most sense in long term but probably it's too early to worry.

 

I'm happy to see that people has done it without too much bumps and stress:)

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I'm in my 30s, BF in his 40s. We have both have completely functioning independent lives - each of us owns homes, investments, pets, and separate friend circles that we intend keeping that way. Thankfully both of us don't have kids from previous relationships but want one together in the not so far future.

 

How long have you been together?

 

I ask because I'd guess each of you've had dry runs before where things didn't work out. So given the equity you have in your individual lives, I'd go very slowly, biological clock or not. It takes a lot longer to rebuild than it does to break down...

 

Mr. Lucky

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How long have you been together?

 

I ask because I'd guess each of you've had dry runs before where things didn't work out. So given the equity you have in your individual lives, I'd go very slowly, biological clock or not. It takes a lot longer to rebuild than it does to break down...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

A little over an year... I know is a bit too early, not rushing it but I’m just starting to map out what future may look like. 1-2 more years won’t make a difference for the bioclock anyway.

 

He had one failed marriage, they never merged assets which made it easier in the end financially. Emotionally a whole other story, that’s why it has been progressing slowly to avoid becoming a rebound.

 

I had a couple of failed shorter term cohabs but minor compared to what he has been through ...

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I’m in the same boat. It’s a scary thing, when you have built something you are proud of and you are used to being very independent. Lots of benefit to moving forward, but not without a lot of stress and some sadness to let certain things go...

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Start with introducing the pets. Socialize them to get along

 

I wouldn't combine the money but maybe create a joint account.

 

Do introduce some of the friends.

 

You are going to have to talk about who moves. Make lists . . .commutes, which house would sell or rent better? Which has the most functional lay out / closet space / # of bedrooms etc? Which has lower taxes? Figure out some of these considerations & the "right" house for the 2 of you should make itself clear.

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That’s a great start- the dogs have been introduced already and are best friends:) Cats... it will take a month of cohab to mine to get used to his but oh well... He has done it before.

 

Mine is single family with bigger yard, his are in better locations though and will rent better (selling not happening in foreseeable future)... But he’s very attached to his current house. I’m relatively new in mine, but tbh would prefer to stay in it since his exwife had lots of say in the layout of his place... I know it’s stupid but I feel uneasy thinking about that. I actually have the same issue with the friends, many were/are her friends too... obviously one can’t erase his past. He’s getting along with the people in my life I introduced him to, but they are mostly women, and he hangs out socially primarily with men (funnily most friends of both of us are single, so we can’t have couples double dates...)

 

I guess we’ll need to talk objectively when time comes...

 

Start with introducing the pets. Socialize them to get along

 

I wouldn't combine the money but maybe create a joint account.

 

Do introduce some of the friends.

 

You are going to have to talk about who moves. Make lists . . .commutes, which house would sell or rent better? Which has the most functional lay out / closet space / # of bedrooms etc? Which has lower taxes? Figure out some of these considerations & the "right" house for the 2 of you should make itself clear.

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My Mum and her partner are both in their 50s. They met on the phone through work (Gavin and Stacey style- if you have seen the British comedy!).

 

They did long distance over 250 miles for 3 years- visiting first every 2 weeks then weekly for the weekend and going on a few holidays around the UK too.

 

They debated a lot how they would move- the part of the country that my Mum is from is much more expensive than where her partner is from.

 

In the end, my Mum sold her house in the South, moved to the North to his rental until they found the perfect house that they wanted to buy. My Mum put in more deposit from her house sale than his from his divorce and she had moved away from her family and taken a much lower paid job to move- so he pays the mortgage on the property as his job pays well. My mum pays for groceries, their utility bills are split evenly.

 

They made the move nearly 2 years ago and seem very happy with it. It is hard on my Mum not seeing her family so much though. They come down and stay in a hotel for a weekend every 2-3 months now. To visit me and my grandparents.

 

My grandparents are unwell and aging and I could really do with a bit of parental TLC at the moment- so I think the move is harder on us than her.

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