blacktar6 Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Hello dear all, I am very stuck in my relationship and I really don't know what to expect and to do in this kind of a situation. My boyfriend and I had a relationship for almost 4 years, the 2 years of it was a long distance relationship. In our first year he cheated on me with a girl when he was in Poland, but our relationship at that times was so new, and it was really just an mutual attraction, so in order to give him a shot I contiuned to be with him. After that he did not cheat on me and hopefully we grew out to be a loving couple. But 5 months ago, I found him chatting on craiglist with men for of course sex. When I told him that he said it was nothing important and he definitely did not have sex with other men. But when he was in Poland he once told me that he had a intimate moment with a man. I did not care it at that times as we were both young and I thought he might be doing this all for sheer curiosity. But as I found out he was on Craigslist, I just got shocked. I tried to talk to him multiple times even when we were very drunk but yet again he does not admit that he is bisexual. And I dont know if I still should continue with him. The fact is I am not really into a serious relationship either but he almost all the time says that he wants to spend his life with me, making future plans and so on. I dont want to hurt him but yet again I must know the truth. How can I approach to him in this particular situation? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 You already know the truth. He was online trolling for gay sex what else do you need to know? Trust your own eyes. Yes, I would break up with him as soon as possible (yesterday) because I could not be with a man who desires sex with other men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacktar6 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Well really I wish it was that easy... We have been together for 4 years and the most striking part is that as he has really no money and his family is also very poor, he is dependent on me financially. I tried to break up with him multiple times, he threatened me saying he will kill himself. I really don't know what to do. I am sure that deep down he loves me but just like you, I cannot process this fact, he being with other men, having sex with other men. Still, I don't know if he did anything, actually I want him to confess because also I am wondering about if I got any STDs etc. I need him to talk and later on I can sort these things out, but the problem is I can't make him talk. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Wow blackstar... not only he’s trolling for gay sex (I don’t judge, that’s up to you) but he’s also financially dependent on you? Does he intend to stay dependent? For how long? Are you okay with that? If you decide to break up with him, give him a x number of months to get his stuff together and move out. the most striking part is that as he has really no money and his family is also very poor, he is dependent on me financially. I tried to break up with him multiple times, he threatened me saying he will kill himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I need him to talk and later on I can sort these things out, but the problem is I can't make him talk. blacktar6, there are some tough decisions on this forum - this isn't one of them. You have a gay, unfaithful, manipulative and financially insolvent BF and are trying to determine a direction? Out the nearest door... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's more interested in your money than he is in you. You're not his mother. What are you thinking sending him money? He can get a couple of jobs and make his own money. You're being suckered. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 You don't need to 'make him admit' anything. Whether he's gay, bi, or something else - that's his problem. YOUR problem is that this guy is not what you want in a partner. Someone who threatens to kill themselves if you break up with them is by definition not someone you should be involved with. That's emotionally abusive. It's not healthy for you and it's making it harder for you to evaluate your own boundaries and figure out what you need. You need to make a plan to safely unentangle yourself from this guy. He is not long-term stable relationship material. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 He crossed the dealbreaker line with his first guy encounter. The fact that it’s happening again makes it plain ridiculous that you would stay in this situation. So what if he won’t admit it? Who cares? That has nothing to do with you and your decision. I wouldn’t hesitate to walk and I’d tell him exactly why I was doing it. Whether he agrees - or even feels hurt - is immaterial. Alternate scenario: marry the guy, have kids with him, contract AIDS or have a child with AIDS, or deal with a man who’s cheating on you with other men — then see who ends up hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well really I wish it was that easy... We have been together for 4 years and the most striking part is that as he has really no money and his family is also very poor, he is dependent on me financially. I tried to break up with him multiple times, he threatened me saying he will kill himself. I really don't know what to do. I am sure that deep down he loves me but just like you, I cannot process this fact, he being with other men, having sex with other men. Still, I don't know if he did anything, actually I want him to confess because also I am wondering about if I got any STDs etc. I need him to talk and later on I can sort these things out, but the problem is I can't make him talk. His financial problems and even killing him self is on him. Not you. Do not ever let anyone hold you hostage because of their bad choices, bad luck, or for any other reason. Yes, it IS that simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You can't get him to admit it if he doesn't want to. What you can do is walk away. What he does after you leave is his problem. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You know it’s not only gay people who get AIDS, right? Alternate scenario: marry the guy, have kids with him, contract AIDS or have a child with AIDS, or deal with a man who’s cheating on you with other men — then see who ends up hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You know it’s not only gay people who get AIDS, right? Of course. But the likelihood of getting it from a gay spouse is very high. That's fine he if takes that risk with his own life. That's his option. But it's not something she signed up for. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 It seems like he's attracted to women as well, which would make him bi rather than gay, but that's just semantics at this point. It really doesn't matter - if you replaced the idea of "chatting online with men for sex" with "chatting online with women for sex" (if he was in fact straight) it really doesn't change much. That's an intention to cheat, which calls for a serious re-evaluation and discussion of the relationship, if not an end to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You don’t want to be with an unfaithful man?? But you’re ok being with a gay or bi-sexual one? You made him? Great. Then you can teach him one last lesson: do not ever make yourself fully dependent on another person and don’t ever think you can lie and cheat on that person or make threats and think they’ll stick around. That would be called the University of Real Life, and he needs several courses in it. Here’s what I’d do - tell him he has 3 months to get his act together; either get a job or get funding for his college or find someone new to mooch of off. And he if wants to kill himself over that, point him to the hardware store where there’s plenty of rope. Tell him that it’s not open for discussion or negotiation. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blacktar6 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 You don’t want to be with an unfaithful man?? But you’re ok being with a gay or bi-sexual one? You made him? Great. Then you can teach him one last lesson: do not ever make yourself fully dependent on another person and don’t ever think you can lie and cheat on that person or make threats and think they’ll stick around. That would be called the University of Real Life, and he needs several courses in it. Here’s what I’d do - tell him he has 3 months to get his act together; either get a job or get funding for his college or find someone new to mooch of off. And he if wants to kill himself over that, point him to the hardware store where there’s plenty of rope. Tell him that it’s not open for discussion or negotiation. End of story. Thank you, really! I think opening up the issue in this forum made me realized what I should really be doing. Thank you again! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Thank you, really! I think opening up the issue in this forum made me realized what I should really be doing. Thank you again! You’re welcome! Yes, sometimes it takes outsiders to point out that we’re being used and manipulated. Perhaps a more realistic timeline will work - like when the semester ends, etc. Whatever works. The point is, you need to shed yourself of this spoiled, ungrateful child. Link to post Share on other sites
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