I feel like I'm in a 'lose/lose'

[nospam99]

I don't usually start a thread asking for suggestions. Usually I offer commentary or advice on OLD or start a thread related to ISO problems. But I've come to a clearer understanding about 'where my head is at', not in a 'comfortable' place, and thought some of the rest of you could offer observations or opinions that might be helpful to me. Warning: moderate TL/DR follows.

 

I met and dated 'my lost love' (MLL) about a year ago. I was a short relationship, but 'high quality': she was (and is) almost 'everything I'm looking for' and she behaved as if that was true for her, too. We had a precipitous falling out over her reaction to how I had used porn to 'satisfy myself' during my multi-year separation and divorce. She enforced NC until recently when, about a month ago, we briefly exchanged friendly messages. Not 'that friendly' - no reconciliation, only a suspension of NC.

 

Over the intervening months, I've been meeting and dating other women but nothing has lasted. I'm still 'fishing'. But what I'm fishing for is an LTR. So I'm only going to 'match' with a woman who is also looking for an LTR.

 

The problem I am concerned about is whether I'll 'be satisfied' (easy to question at the moment as I am 'between gfs'). I like to think of myself as a decent enough guy that I wouldn't 'use' a woman as a place holder and dump her if I discovered a(nother) unicorn.

 

So as I see my 'lose/lose' options at the moment:

- hold out for that unicorn. Risk going to my grave 10, 20, 30, maybe 40 years from now never again having been in a loving relationship. NOT going to happen. or

- keep searching. If some woman and I happen to 'find each other' and meet 'enough' of 'both our' respective needs and desires, start a relationship. The risk is that it could (maybe likely to) be 'settling'. Not that appearance is my only criteria, but metaphorically if you've had Natalie Portman and you find yourself with Hillary Clinton (sorry, can't think of a young 'plain Jane'), what do you do if Princess Kate comes along? So I'm going to keep searching, may very well settle, and hope that I don't have to deal with 'buyer's remorse'. I apologize for all the mixed metaphors. I feel like this kind of 'colorful' language gets the point across better than trying to be cold and objective.

 

So, like I said, I'm interested in at least hearing advice, one way or the other, especially a third option to the 'wait or settle' that I thought of by myself.

[alphamale]

there is no one "ideal" person who is going to fulfill most of your needs/desires

[JuneL]

I think this boils down to personal preference. Personally, I’d rather be single than settling for someone I’m not passionate about.

 

Are you sure your Natalie Portman will never come back? Has she been dating others? I also think Natalie is a lot more attractive than Kate; Hillary was prettier than Kate when she was Kate’s age.

Edited February 2, 2019 by JuneL

[nospam99]

Are you sure your Natalie Portman will never come back? Has she been dating others?

 

It is thoughtful of you to ask. Thanks. One can never be 'sure' about 'never'. In her recent messages to me, she said she was dating. It's been close to a year. And she is, at least, a very desirable and vivacious woman. I definitely think she's been dating, as have I.

[JuneL]

It is thoughtful of you to ask. Thanks. One can never be 'sure' about 'never'. In her recent messages to me, she said she was dating. It's been close to a year. And she is, at least, a very desirable and vivacious woman. I definitely think she's been dating, as have I.

 

Maybe your Natalie has been frustrated by dating just like you. Remember that the number/ratio works against women in your age group. She did sound uptight if she had problem with your porn use while you’re single.

[elaine567]

How did your porn use come up in conversation anyway?

[elaine567]

Maybe your Natalie has been frustrated by dating just like you. Remember that the number/ratio works against women in your age group.

Maybe, but she cut him off dead, so she was obviously not so desperate as to put up with just anything to get into a relationship. She found a dealbreaker and stuck to her guns.

She is not the answer, but I guess she is a big part of the problem.

Oneitis - no-one else matches up.

[nospam99]

How did your porn use come up in conversation anyway?

 

Pillow talk. With 20-20 hindsight, definitely TMI by me. Lesson learned ... too late.

[nospam99]

She is not the answer, but I guess she is a big part of the problem.

Oneitis - no-one else matches up.

 

Touche

[Happy Lemming]

If you are taking votes... I say "settle" for something less than the "unicorn" you are searching for.

 

My long term girlfriend "settled" for me (as she has told me repeatedly), but has grown fond of me over our 7 years together. So if she hadn't settled, would she have met her unicorn or would she have been alone that whole time. Since she previous poor luck in the dating department, I would think the later.

 

I think you've been doing your due diligence to find your "unicorn" and she isn't in your immediate area.

 

As far as your "Natalie Portman" that dumped you over your admission to watching porn for self release, shame on her. You are almost 65 years old, at that age men need a little extra gasoline to "prime" the engine, she should know that. I've also got a feeling if she hadn't dumped you over the porn, she probably would have found something else to make her "deal breaker" (with you). In my opinion, it seems a rather petty reason to dump someone. She may have been looking for "an out" to leave you.

 

In the future, though, I would take that secret to my grave, no need to talk about masturbation or related items.

 

There are plenty of "skeletons" in my closet, that no one will ever know about. Those secrets... I'm taking to my grave.

 

As a side note, I enjoy reading your threads. I don't always respond or have a suggestion, but I do read them.

[alphamale]

Hillary was prettier than Kate when she was Kate’s age.

 

what are you smoking JuneL, because I want some of it

[elaine567]

As far as your "Natalie Portman" that dumped you over your admission to watching porn for self release, shame on her. You are almost 65 years old, at that age men need a little extra gasoline to "prime" the engine, she should know that. I've also got a feeling if she hadn't dumped you over the porn, she probably would have found something else to make her "deal breaker" (with you). In my opinion, it seems a rather petty reason to dump someone...

She is an older woman, she can't compete with the nubile young women on porn sites, she, I am sure knows that, so pretty tactless to bring porn into the conversation. Also a bit insulting and a complete turn off to find he needs "priming" before he can have sex with her...

Also many woman will not tolerate porn, due to all sorts of reasons, so she is not really alone there.

Certainly not sexy nor romantic to bring it up as pillow talk...

[nospam99]

She is an older woman, she can't compete with the nubile young women on porn sites, she, I am sure knows that, so pretty tactless to bring porn into the conversation. Also a bit insulting and a complete turn off to find he needs ''priming'' before he can have sex with her...

Also many woman will not tolerate porn, due to all sorts of reasons, so she is not really alone there.

Certainly not sexy nor romantic to bring it up as pillow talk...

 

At the risk of BEING defensive (mea culpa) ....

 

- I have 'learned my lesson' about not bringing up masturbation regardless of how much I think I have a trusting rapport with a woman

- she was told, so I can only hope she understood, that she was not 'competing' with masturbatory images that I had used to 'cope' during a period of several years when I 'wasn't getting any'. The context was how I had dealt with the period of circumstantial celibacy

- regardless of her age, she is one of those 'older women' who I've posted about often who have 'kept themselves up' (yoga, great diet, etc) and actually CAN compete (think Christie Brinkley preservation and Dawn Wells archetype - yes, for a short time I was a VERY lucky old man)

- the 'priming' point did not 'cum up' (deliberate double entendre AND the mention of priming appeared in a reply that I didn't write) nor was any priming other than typical foreplay required at the time

 

And now (hopefully) we can return to our 'regularly scheduled programming' on the topic of wait or settle or something else

[edgygirl]

I’ll never understand women who have a problem with porn. Maybe she wasn’t all that after all?

 

But seriously I have the impression you’re glorifying her. That’s never a good thing when searching for new romantic partners. I’ve done that, and with time I realIzed they probably were never going to be that good of a match in the long run. It’s the “one that got away” syndrome.

 

Comparing new people to old ones is useless and I think, a way of sabotaging new people who may have different qualities that you might learn to really appreciate with time. We change constantly and our tastes and priorities change as well. You feeling you might settle because no one compares to her might be sabotaging you and preventing you from finding someone compatible.

Edited February 2, 2019 by edgygirl

[JuneL]

Pillow talk. With 20-20 hindsight, definitely TMI by me. Lesson learned ... too late.

 

Did you still use porn when you were already dating her (not that it was a sin)? If not, it should have been your dealbreaker for her to judge your past like that, tbh.

[JuneL]

what are you smoking JuneL, because I want some of it

 

This is called “people have different tastes”!

[JuneL]

Maybe, but she cut him off dead, so she was obviously not so desperate as to put up with just anything to get into a relationship. She found a dealbreaker and stuck to her guns.

She is not the answer, but I guess she is a big part of the problem.

Oneitis - no-one else matches up.

 

Or maybe after dating other men, she realized using porn moderately while single was a small deal compared to other dealbreakers.

[elaine567]

Or maybe after dating other men, she realized using porn moderately while single was a small deal compared to other dealbreakers.

 

 

He broke NC and contacted her months later, she briefly responded then blocked him.

Why do you think she changed her mind re porn?

[JuneL]

He broke NC and contacted her months later, she briefly responded then blocked him.

Why do you think she changed her mind re porn?

 

Are you Natalie by any chance? Because nowhere did I see the OP was blocked by you/her after their recent exchange.

[elaine567]

Are you Natalie by any chance? Because nowhere did I see the OP was blocked by you/her after their recent exchange.

No not Natalie... LOL!

#27

[nospam99]

He broke NC and contacted her months later, she briefly responded then blocked him.

Why do you think she changed her mind re porn?

 

Nice 'vehement discussion' (argument?) June and elaine.

 

Although this thread has, I think, drifted a bit off my intended topic, it's still interesting. Because ...

 

I've seen a number of threads elsewhere on LS where the OP complains about a lack of dating success and gets a number of replies suggesting a relaxation of standards. My thread here has drifted a bit to dissect a significant dating relationship of mine which I used as an explanation of why I'm worried about how I will handle it in the future if I relax my standards and 'settle'. The irony here is that my particular Natalie/unicorn was not just 'up to' my standards, but she exceeded them quite a bit. And as several of you have observed, she 'moved the bar' for me to the extend that now should I meet and establish a relationship with a woman who is 'merely' up to my standards, I will be 'settling' relative to Natalie/unicorn.

 

Not to say that it would be a 'bad thing', but interesting in how, having been 'fortunate' in a particular relationship, my perception of my standards has changed. I see how this is affecting ME. Isn't it likely that it would affect other people similarly in that they would regard their previously established standard as easily achievable? Confucius say: 'Be careful what you wish for'

[SevenCity]

Back to topic.

 

First, this is the only time I saw the reason why Natalie ended things. Unless a girl is willing to watch porn with me during sex (occasionally), I tend to lose interest. I agree that she was reaching for something to end things and that was just an excuse. If it wasn’t, that’s a woman who has unrealistic expectations of men as I would say 99% of men indulge from time to time. Good luck to her.

 

Second, I’m not sure the analogies are correct. I don’t get the impression from your posts that your search is based solely on looks. I understand you want to find a woman who has maintained her youth (difficult in my 40s, can only imagine in my 60s) but it seems that is not the primary driver.

 

Now onto your OP. What do you do? Well let me ask you this, have you been treated fairly in dating? Seems not. Ever since my ex left me I focus on myself and my needs, and consider the woman’s needs second. I’m not an ahole but I’m more concerned about my well being.

 

That said, I’ve got zero issues with finding a woman to pass the time until something better comes along. Women reference this as “Giving him a chance”. What’s wrong if we do it?

 

No one will tick all your boxes and you will be alone forever if you wait for one. Conversely, you might find that she ticks the RIGHT boxes and live happily ever after.

 

I looked at old pics of my ex a year ago, and realized she was in the bottom 50% in looks compared to other women I dated. Yet, I have never fallen in love so deeply and completely with someone in my life. Why? Because the boxes she ticked were the important ones to me (which of course made it excruciatingly painful for years when she left).

 

Nowadays, I look at every time passer as an opportunity to learn. Perhaps discover a show I’ve never watched, an activity I’ve never done, a challenge I’ve never faced. I don’t look at it as a waste of time.

 

I might fall in love with them, the relationship may end, or I may find someone better and throw them back. It’s all good.

 

A woman will have ZERO issues about dating and dumping you for someone better (reference: Natalie, and the fact that women end relationships most of the time).

 

Why should you have issue with it? It’s not about being a user or a jerk or a player. It’s about looking out for YOUR needs above anyone else’s. Because, in the end, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

[nospam99]

No not Natalie... LOL!

#27

 

LOL. No - I blocked 'Natalie' by mistake #28

[chillii]

Hey nos. l was worried shytless about all the same things after my marriage fell apart.

ln earlier days what we had was unmatchable or so l thought. And after 3 1/2 yrs on my own getting myself sorted, l was horrified at what was out there late 40s when l did start feeling better.

l thought well, l'm screwed because l'm not interested in any of that and resigned to a life alone .

But to my absolute amazement , well yaknow my story but someone did come along out of nowhere even more mind blowing than earlier ex w and l were. Sadly though due to obstacles mainly it just wasn't doable in the end.

So again l def' thought l was screwed. A 2nd chance, blew it, what could possibly happen now.

But low and behold someone else has come along.

lt's different from anyone but equally as all again.

l have very different and high tastes and if it's not that l'd rather be alone. l can't know if things are gonna work out yet but l do know now that in time she will come along and l think there is def' light at the end of the tunnel for others.

Sooooo, if it was me, personally l'd have no choice but wait.

l can't fake it, it's gotta be real. So my thoughts are be true be patient keep real and keep the faith.

And the best of luck.

Edited February 3, 2019 by chillii

[Mr. Lucky]

I might fall in love with them, the relationship may end, or I may find someone better and throw them back. It’s all good.

 

I started off as "just friends" with the woman I've been happily married to for 30+ years. There were no initial fireworks or "she's the one" feelings, just someone I gradually discovered I looked forward to spending time with and who's company I enjoyed. I also got to see how she treated other people, how she handled life's challenges and what her goals were.

 

nospam99, you never know where life will go, there's no guarantees. I'd look for someone who ticks some low-key boxes and give it time to grow from there. As they say. life's what happens while you're making plans to do something else...

 

Mr. Lucky