Re-Engaging instead of NC

[c1nderella]

Hi,

 

So I was talking to a friend about my current dating situation and he wanted me to show him my recent texting conversation with the guy I’ve been seeing. He said I wasn’t engaging much in the conversations. I told him that it was because I felt from the guys text that he wasn’t interested in texting and I assumed he was just too busy to keep a convo so I would keep things short myself or I’ve gone no contact for a few days trying to test him to see if he’ll reach out.

 

He started telling me what I should have said instead... acknowledging the guys response to the text and then asking questions to keep the convo going and it seemed like it was working as I was texting this guy while he was at work. I mean we do this when were talking to people in person anyways it should be the same wether you’re texting or talking on the phone right?

 

I came across a guy on YouTube that was explaining how sometimes us women go no contact right when the guy is pulling away and this kind of confuses the guy. Sometimes guys do need that space but he was saying how instead of going ghost right when the guy is pulling away we should re engage. Yeah pulling away a little to give him space but to not disappear especially in the early stages of dating someone as this can actually make the guy think that we’re no longer interested/ playing games.

 

No contact is great when you’re trying to move on and heal from a break up. But maybe it’s not good to do this to test how much a person you’re dating likes you? Maybe this rule only pushes them further away?

 

What do you guys think?

Edited February 2, 2019 by c1nderella

[d0nnivain]

Never test people you are dating. You also can't tell anything from the frequency or content of texting. As somebody on LS observed the other day, texting is probably the worst thing to ever happen to dating. Talk to the guy. Spend time with him. Use that info to analyze what is happening. Texting is meaningless. Treat is as a way of saying pick up milk or something like that but not to gage the strength of the relationship.

[c1nderella]

Never test people you are dating. You also can't tell anything from the frequency or content of texting. As somebody on LS observed the other day, texting is probably the worst thing to ever happen to dating. Talk to the guy. Spend time with him. Use that info to analyze what is happening. Texting is meaningless. Treat is as a way of saying pick up milk or something like that but not to gage the strength of the relationship.

 

Yeah the testing part was dumb of me to do smh. And regarding the texting you have to communicate somehow in between dates if youre not seeing the other person too often right? I personally dont like talk on the phone as it takes to much time. I only do it with my mom. So i mostly text. But i am one of those that overthinks a text too much and i misinterpret them lol so im thinking calls might work out better.

[Curiousroxy86]

I don't remember what your "situation" is but for me if there is a guy im interested in and he is interested in me and he texts me then I respond with interest. I don't believe women should play games. However if a guy acts disrespectful I will ignore a guy with the quickness. I believe in being responsive to guys who are showing you interest, being respectful, treating you right etc. but if a guy is playing games, being disrespectful, or acts like he doesn't care or being distant then I ignore his contact and continue dating other men (if we are not exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend). And if he wants to know why I am ignoring him then I will let him know "hey no hard feelings to you but I like guys who call when they say the will (or whatever the behavior that's not okay) and you don't seem like that type hun.". If homie wants to correct he gets one chance but that will be his last. And if I don't hear from him it won't matter because I'm dating other men anyway if we are not exclusive.

 

Now if he is my exclusive boyfriend pulling that crap then I will tell him one time "honey I notice a few times you said your going to call but don't and that's not cool to me babe". If he doesn't correct and keep doing it or if he responds talking sh*t then I will actually give him the breakup speech "I can't be with a boyfriend who gives false promises so let's breakup" theeeeeennnn I will NC on that a** and date other men. So it just depends on the situation

[Kitty Tantrum]

I've seen a lot of advice aimed at men to pull away/act distant in order to get a woman to chase them. The advice you've been given seems to be in line with this - guy seems busy/distant so it's on you to initiate and carry the conversation, thus proving your interest in him.

 

I think this is dumb and I don't have any patience for playing games like that. NOBODY should be pulling away just to test or try to inflate the other person's interest. Manipulation is a poor foundation for any sort of relationship.

 

I like talking in person. I had my fill of texting in my previous relationship (long distance). When my fiancé and I first started seeing each other, we would sometimes go days without texting. Then when we did it was just to figure out when we'd see each other in person again. There were no conversations, no "getting to know you" questions, etc. over text. One time it seemed like he was a bit more distant than usual so I just asked "hey, you seem a bit disinterested, would you rather I leave you alone?" He responded enthusiastically in the negative so I took him at his word and things plugged along steadily.

 

There's absolutely no way I'd be initiating or carrying on a drawn out conversation/Q&A over text if the guy wasn't an enthusiastic participant.

 

I say text and talk as much as you feel like. If it's too much or not enough for the other person, they're probably not a good fit.

[Stained]

Sorry for the late response.

It still strikes me as “nearly impossible”, when you have had certain feelings for someone else and gone the whole nine yard, to simply bury these feelings and return to your partner, as nothing has ever happened. I’m not talking about a ONS, which would be easier to move past, but a long term affair is another story. If you, as a woman has been in a LTA but wants to end things to give hubby a second chance, but never tell him the truth, seems both disrespectful and even more selfish than when you got involved in an affair. I completely understand the urge to try again with your boyfriend/husband and I totally respect that. I would just think that you would have to come completely clean to do so. Otherwise, a MOW would, simply put, just work on the relationship, based on what he knows and not the truth. He will never fully understand how much pain she was in and what their relationship, communication or lack of it, had her driven to do.