Stained Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Hi, We all know, there is a huge difference between affairs and cheating. That being one-time cheating or multiple times with different people. Mostly based around sex. But when it comes to an affair, things tend to differ quite a bit. In a long time affair, emotions are most likely present and people often claims that they “fell in love” So just out of curiosity – If people cheat, it could mainly be because of lack of sexual satisfaction. That doesn’t mean, that the “cheater” does not love his or her BS at home – It was just a one-time thing, that perhaps could much easier be dealt with if the love between them is strong enough. But if one finds themselves in an EA and PA over a period of time, is the word “love” for their spouse then off the table? – Do you truly love your spouse, if you had engaged in an EA or PA, and even mended the words “I love you” or “I’m so in love with you” to the AP? And if you decided to end the affair out of guilt, wouldn’t you just be lying to yourself? Do you really love your W or H deeply enough? Even after, you said those words to another? Or are you simply trying to work things out because of comfort and “fear of the future”? Please - English is not my native language, so bear with me. Link to post Share on other sites
eastdean Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Cheating, ONS, even FWB - yes, one of the conditions is "no love" but hearts being as they are, people often catch the feels. Even with a loving spouse at home. I think "love" is a multidimensional thing and it's entirely possible to "love" more than one person at the same time. Doesn't make it right. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Hard to generalize because love is different from person to person. Also, 8 believe it's based on gender. Men usually dont replace their wives with their lovers, while most women do. Men generally use words (mostly false) to get what the want from the lover but it rarely effects how they feel about the wife. While women generally use sex to get the emotional fulfillment and distance themselves from the husband as a way to reinforce their feelings for the lover. Yet loving their spouse is a individual thing. Some do, some dont. Well I said say respect, I think they all love them on some level. Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) For my entire marriage/relationship with my husband I never truly loved myself, so how could I ever truly love him. I cheated a lot, including one strict EA. But only one affair partner post marriage. I cared about my husband because he was a great guy who treated me better than I deserved. I used to treat him like ****, likely because I found him to be safe because no matter how badly I treated him, he wouldn't let me go. He loved me, yet I didn't love myself enough to reciprocate. I didn't love my affair partner. There was some lust to a degree, but I didn't love him. He didn't treat me very well. I almost ended my marriage from my husband this year because of guilt and emotionally cut myself off from him and everyone. But now that I'm committed to overcoming my internal issues finally, I am starting to feel and freely express the love I have for him. Edited January 7, 2019 by TheRainbow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tanchik Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 To me, you can only love one person. I know that it's supposedly a woman vs. man point of view. I don't necessarily agree. Love means different things to different people. If you truly love someone, like you do your kids - unconditionally, then you wouldn't do anything to hurt them. You might not like the person you love, and you might not love the person you like. IMO people that claim the love their BS, as well as their AP, feel more of a comfort towards one or the other person (more likely towards BS). I think it's easy to fall in love with the new person, especially in an affair setting. It's much more difficult to rekindle the love you used to have with your BS, especially after an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Unconditional love only exists between parents towards children. Every other relationship is 100% based on conditions. No one gets married thinking, oh one day I'm going to have an affair. Yet so many do. Why? Because the conditions in the marriage no longer suit them, be it real or imagined. Saying you cant love someone and hurt them is a flawed argument, one designed to make one feel like less of a bad person. Oh, I would not have done it if I were in love. Unfortunately for alot of people they dont realize how much they love the spouse until it's too late. I can think of several MW posters here who claimed no love for their husbands until he found out about the affair. Funny how quickly one can change direction and focus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I think it's easy to fall in love with the new person, especially in an affair setting. I think it's easy to convince yourself you're in love with this new person, simply because they're meeting your needs at that moment. If most WS were honest with themselves, they'd admit there was a time they felt the same way about their now disenfranchised BS. Affairs aren't a reflection on the marriage, they're all about the WS and their strategies for coping with the changes life inevitably brings. "True love" often has very little to do with it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tanchik Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I think it's easy to convince yourself you're in love with this new person, simply because they're meeting your needs at that moment. If most WS were honest with themselves, they'd admit there was a time they felt the same way about their now disenfranchised BS. For sure. Maybe that was when both spouses actually put in efforts to make each other feel loved, and not taken for granted. Of course, grand gestures of an affair or early relationship cannot continue forever, but maybe that's not needed. There are other ways to show love and attention. When that's missing and someone comes along with all of his/her attention, it's easy to love. I am not sure sure about it not being real - why not when all of the above is true and continues for a long time? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) when someone is cheating, I don't think they truly love their spouse or their om/ow either. As a former bs, it really sucks having to admit that, but it's true. When you love someone, you don't knowingly hurt them. You don't ask them to wait, knowing how painful that is for them, while you make a decision. You don't ask them to be your emotional sounding board knowing that, every time you do, your break their heart a little bit more. The same is true for om/ow. Some are willing to ensure crappy treatment they woudl never put up with otherwise simply because the person they fell for is married. It always surprises me how much some people are willing to endure and how much others are willing to hurt someone else. To them , it's all okay so long as they stamp the word "love" on it. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 when someone is cheating, I don't think they truly love their spouse or their om/ow either. I agree about not loving the BS (or at least, not loving them properly) during an A, but why the OM / OW? My then-MM made sure during the A that I was treated well, always put first, treated with respect. I knew how loved I was, or I would not be with him still. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 How can you measure love? Measuring your own is hard enough, measuring someone else's impossible. Even parents love for children is not unconditional. There are many bad parents out there who see their children only as game pieces, use them, abandon them, or throw them out with no further contact if they dare to disagree. Anyone in a secret affair is not giving the best of themselves to either their BS or their AP. At minimum, the BS is getting lied to and the AP is getting shunted aside and kept in the closet. Even if the cheater cares for both people, the cheater is not giving the best that he can. He COULD do better, for either of them, but isn't. But sometimes indecision comes out of not wanting to hurt anyone because you do care about them. And so you end up in a mess where nobody really wins. Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I agree obviously that when you have an EA you are not putting your spouse or significant other first. But I don’t know if that means you don’t love them. People are flawed and make mistakes. Love isn’t perfect. If you realize it was a mistake and truly come to terms with it maybe you do really love them and just got caught up in someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 There are other ways to show love and attention. Which most WS, high on their newest dose, are typically oblivious and unreceptive to if coming from the BS. I don't doubt many affairs start with troubled marriages. The question always becomes who does what to address the issues... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 I had what I thought was an exit affair, ended up falling in love with OM. Hated my husband at that time but realize now, I didn’t hate him, I was really hurt by him. 10 years after, I’m so happy my H & I stayed together but can I honestly say, I loved them both, I did, & had my marriage not worked out we could have been together long term but I love my husband & have absolutely no regrets & very happy we worked it out. Yes, it’s possible to love a couple people at once. I think only people that say it isn’t possible, are those that never experienced the feeling & or have been cheated on & don’t want to believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) I agree about not loving the BS (or at least, not loving them properly) during an A, but why the OM / OW? <snip> It's all in perspective. To me, it's treating a woman with a huge amount of disrespect to ask her to play second fiddle. I don't see that as a very loving act at all. You may feel differently, as is your right. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 I guess the only one who can know whether or not they love their spouse and ow/om at the same time is the person themselves. In the end, it's semantics. Someone can claim to love someone, but if that is not reflected in how they treat that person, what difference does that label make anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Tanchik Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) I had what I thought was an exit affair, ended up falling in love with OM. Hated my husband at that time but realize now, I didn’t hate him, I was really hurt by him. <snip> How were you able to make that work? To fall our of love with OM, and to fall back in love with your H? How do you change your thinking, if you considered it to be an exit affair? Asking for a friend Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 The #1 reason for cheating isn't sexual satisfaction, it's for emotional satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 The #1 reason for cheating isn't sexual satisfaction, it's for emotional satisfaction. True for most women, completely false for most men. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 TBF your statement is just as unsourced as hopeful's is. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 TBF your statement is just as unsourced as hopeful's is. Yeah, it isnt. If I were a drug dealer I could emphasize with other drug dealers. I could even convince myself that it was so bad or that people didn't get hurt. My point is we believe the things that make our personal situations better. Making a statement such as affairs are emotionally motivated makes "women " feel better. Truth is, very few are for men. everything about the monster supports that statement on the whole. Everything, from stats to posts here. So many WW/OW come here crying out, "oh how could he treat me like this" well the answer is the obvious. Refusing to accept this doesn't change it. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 And if you read different forums with a different group of people posting you would have an ENTIRELY different view on what 'normal' is. I don't actually think that 'most' affairs are emotionally motivated - not for either men or women. I think many are, many aren't, and that I wouldn't dare to judge the numbers since I know how easy it is to discard contradictory evidence unless you're doing a careful study on something. Is it more likely to be emotional for women than men? I would think so but I don't have any evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 Yeah, it isnt. If I were a drug dealer I could emphasize with other drug dealers. I could even convince myself that it was so bad or that people didn't get hurt. My point is we believe the things that make our personal situations better. Making a statement such as affairs are emotionally motivated makes "women " feel better. Truth is, very few are for men. everything about the monster supports that statement on the whole. Everything, from stats to posts here. So many WW/OW come here crying out, "oh how could he treat me like this" well the answer is the obvious. Refusing to accept this doesn't change it. We all see what we want to see. Even if a particular affair is just about NSA attached sex for a guy, the woman may see is as being filled with emotional connections, if that's what she wants to see. If he was asked ( and he was honest) her view of the affair and his may be two very different things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stained Posted January 11, 2019 Author Share Posted January 11, 2019 Well, the reason I’m asking is, that me myself have had the experience to be involved in an affair (EA and PA) with a MW (Nor should I say a woman in a serious relationship – Not married.) She eventually broke it off out of guilt towards her boyfriend whom she is living with, to try and work things out at home. But her and I kept texting and snapping this entire time. Today we are still very much in contact and communicate on a daily basis through those mediums. Mostly day to day life, but occasionally we say stuff like “I miss you” and send some “kissing faces”. To answer my own question, then I don’t think she loves or respect her boyfriend deeply enough, if she keeps communicating with me. She have had every opportunity to go NC on me, but choose to keep the “friendship” going. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 Well, the reason I’m asking is, that me myself have had the experience to be involved in an affair (EA and PA) with a MW (Nor should I say a woman in a serious relationship – Not married.) She eventually broke it off out of guilt towards her boyfriend whom she is living with, to try and work things out at home. But her and I kept texting and snapping this entire time. Today we are still very much in contact and communicate on a daily basis through those mediums. Mostly day to day life, but occasionally we say stuff like “I miss you” and send some “kissing faces”. To answer my own question, then I don’t think she loves or respect her boyfriend deeply enough, if she keeps communicating with me. She have had every opportunity to go NC on me, but choose to keep the “friendship” going. People who get involved with two people tend to do so because individually neither is "enough". If they could slice both up and make a new person out of the good bits of each they would. Sounds like you could get very hurt here. Link to post Share on other sites
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