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Leaving spouse during affair...


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dupedforreal123

What are some of the reasons you think that make it so hard for your AP to leave their spouses and marriage? I see a common theme where most say they will but in the end never do. Thoughts?

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My xMM has two young kids (ages 5 and 1). Having kids always make things more complicated. What made it even more complicated for him was that him and his wife had discussed divorce before, and she was originally from another country, so if they do divorce it means she will take the kids back to her home country and he won’t be able to see his kids except maybe once or twice a year. I had never asked him to choose between his marriage or me, even though I had started falling for him...you can see why.

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Well I think it is pretty simple – It all comes down to choices.

 

If you’re in a marriage where you would like to have 8 or 10 things working for you, you start to weigh those things up against each other if you were ever to leave your BS for the AP.

 

For instance. You might want to feel truly loved by your BS. You want financial stability, a beautiful home, happy kids, loving relatives, mutual friends and so on and so forth. In your marriage, you might have 7 or 8 of these things that are working perfectly, but what you’re lacking is to feel truly loved by your spouse or even love him/her. Then you look at your AP, and feel loved and blessed with butterflies flying around. He’s very romantic and very caring and he seems like the perfect match.

But then you start to wonder or think a few steps ahead. If I were to leave my spouse for this AP, then I would get, at least in the beginning, 2 or 3 things on my marriage wish list. But those are merely things that has to do with me being loved. Then you’re lacking the remaining 7 or 8 tings. What about finances? I will lose my beautiful home, and will have to settle for a small apartment. The kids will not be happy. What about our mutual friends?

 

I guess many people in this situation, uses a lot of energy to maintain a happy lifestyle, but without any love. It’s easy to do, when you have someone around to help you with chores, raising kids, go on vacation with and so on. Were you to leave and start a new life, you would have to start all over again, and that is a scary thought for most people. Suddenly the image of the perfect life and marriage is broken. She might still have the AP, but she doesn’t know him/her behind the affair fog. The AP may be good at listening, a great kisser or whatever – But that won’t put food on the table. That won’t secure him/her financially.

 

Therefore, I guess, most spouses decides to stay with their BS and have an affair to feel alive and loved. The perhaps they will learn from the A, what they were missing, and try to work on that with their spouses – That is just easier, than to leave and start all over again, when they don’t know what the future will hold.

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Affairs usually aren't about love....women need to convince themselves its love otherwise they are just a monster cheating on her husband. Men use the allure of love to pull her away from her marriage, but its rarely actually love.

 

On some level most cheaters realize that the AP isnt a viable life partner. Given a choice between a your faithful spouse and someone else's unfaithful one is there really a doubt who they will ultimately pick? Bottom line is married people rarely leave their marriage for another person, yet many in affairs believe it will happen, well at least when they are talking to the AP

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My exH's AP had a boyfriend so they had reached a stalemate - neither would give up their primary relationship to have a relationship together.

 

 

After DD she dumped him, until her b/f found out and dumped her, and then she wanted my exH back.

 

 

They flim-flammed about for about 5 years until she got pregnant and they got married.

 

 

Make of that what you will....:rolleyes:

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People get these head over heels feelings and assume that's love. They couldn't further from the truth. While they can be a great foundation for a relationship. it takes a lot more than that.

 

 

 

Real love builds over time. It doesn't happen right away.

 

 

 

There is no real mystery here. Just as with 99 percent of romances, they often simply run their course. I often wonder if, sans the trappings of an affair, they would follow the course of most romances. They are self limiting and have an expiration date. Digging up reasons, explanations and causes won't change anything.

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The real driving force behind affairs is that they are taboo. It's like the 16 year old girl burning up for the guy her parents wont allow her to date. It fuels her desire for him. That same dynamic fuels affairs. How many girls ended up with that guy?

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Most have affairs as a way to avoid a divorce. It becomes a coping mechanism and distraction from reality.

 

My experience is so different, bit even as stable as we are I dont expect him to leave his marriage for me.

 

If he left, he needs to do it for him and her. Take ownership of his actions and face the reality that the marriage isn’t working.

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loversquarrel

Very rarely is it a better alternative. Ironically enough most would probably have an issue with the foundation of the relationship being founded on lies.

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They will tell you it's for the kids but we've seen wayward spouses without kids still not want to leave their spouse. The truth is they asked that person to marry them for a reason and when it comes to leaving them it's not that easy. I think more women would leave for their affair partner (if he would leave his wife) than men who will leave their wives.

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Stillafool,

I agree.

 

 

My exH and I had no children so if he was sooooo unhappy he could have left at any time. He didn't, until I found out about his affair and asked him to leave.

 

 

IMO they stay where they are because they like 'cake-eating' :rolleyes:

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Most have affairs as a way to avoid a divorce. It becomes a coping mechanism and distraction from reality.

 

My experience is so different, bit even as stable as we are I dont expect him to leave his marriage for me.

 

If he left, he needs to do it for him and her. Take ownership of his actions and face the reality that the marriage isn’t working.

 

 

This flies in the face of the 90 percent of people who claim "I didn't go out looking to cheat...it just sort of happened"

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I think it takes a LOT for a woman to leave her marriage when she has children.

 

In my opinion, things have to be pretty bad at home for a woman to take the risk of leaving... and even then, some find it really difficult to leave.

 

Again, just my opinion from reading this board... but for a woman to have an affair, something is generally really not right in her life... either she has mental health problems or she is desperately unhappy in her marriage... there are not many women on this board who say “my marriage was basically good, I just wanted a little extra fun...”

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Bailey, this is true...the problem is a large portion of these women find themselves attracted to another man then create issues or magnifies smaller issues into big ones.

 

I just dont think it's fair that so many women accept the "bad marriage " excuse for female infidelity but then totally reject it for men.

 

People cheat because they want to, they dont leave their marriages because they dont want to. It's all on them.

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People cheat because they want to, they dont leave their marriages because they dont want to. It's all on them.

 

I don’t disagree. Women, like men, cheat because they are selfish and entitled. That said, it can also be more complicated... The woman in this case is exactly where she wants to be. She stayed because she wanted to stay. OP is looking for an explanation, but the simple truth is... it takes a lot for a woman to decide to leave her marriage. Especially if she has children.

Edited by BaileyB
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loversquarrel

My first wife said I liked working on motorcycles too much, yet I did so one day a week and half a day at that. I found her reason for cheating was out of mental health issues and I was right (diagnosed borderline).

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This flies in the face of the 90 percent of people who claim "I didn't go out looking to cheat...it just sort of happened"

 

In my experience I was well aware of the steps.

 

The intial attraction

 

The first long texting conversation

 

The excuse to hang out

 

I watned him and made it clear he was making choices in which there would be serious consequences

 

We didnt fall into it, we chose it

 

The intial attraction was a surprise and the compatibility was a surprise

 

The CHOICE to cross the line was all ours. And with it comes the consequences

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I don’t disagree. Women, like men, cheat because they are selfish and entitled. That said, it can also be more complicated... The woman in this case is exactly where she wants to be. She stayed because she wanted to stay. OP is looking for an explanation, but the simple truth is... it takes a lot for a woman to decide to leave her marriage. Especially if she has children.

 

Myself and other women I have spoken to have had shares feelings. Almost wanting to be rescused from our lives.

 

Because I was a stay at home parent with several young children leaving felt impossible. I also knew their father couldnt be trusted alone with them for long periods of time.

 

Staying in the marriage allowes me to be home, continue being the main parent (he was rarely home) snd gave the kids stability.

 

In reality I wasnt helping anyone. I wasnt happy, my husband wasnt curbing his abuse and the kids weren’t thriving.

 

I had to face my problems myself and fight.

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What are some of the reasons you think that make it so hard for your AP to leave their spouses and marriage?

 

For my H, it was the kids. He took xW back after the first split for the kids, and was resigned to staying in the M until they were out the house. Then we met, had the A, fell in love... and he left. It took time, but he left. The kids were”old enough” at that point so it was easier.

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thefooloftheyear

If I were to say its usually because of money(or lack thereof), most would say I am out of my mind....

 

Yet, it would be very interesting to see what would happen if one of the two involved in the A actually hit the lottery while involved in the affair...My guess is a lot won't be coming back home...

 

TFY

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Money is a factor, but even with enough it's still difficult to leave.

 

I didn't have an affair but I was unhappy with my marriage and disgusted with my wife. Money wasnt an issue but it was still difficult to leave. Logics, unsure how it would affect the kids, and honestly after being together since we were teenagers it's just hard to give up and move on. Having an affair doesn't change any of that.

 

Most importantly, most ws simply dont want to leave. I believe that subconsciously most know that there is little to no future with the other person even when outwardly wishing and hoping there is.

 

In reality staying is for the same reason that most US presidents do two terms. The known is better and more comfortable then the unknown. Even if the known isnt that great.

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I think DKT3 makes a valid point;

 

 

In reality staying is for the same reason that most US presidents do two terms. The known is better and more comfortable then the unknown. Even if the known isnt that great.

 

 

The unknown is scary.

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somanymistakes

I think the main factors are:

 

- people who never had any intention of leaving but just wanted Extra On The Side

 

- finances. If you're the breadwinner, a divorce means you have to give up half of what you probably think is all yours. People hate that. Half your savings gone, and likely ordered to pay spousal support and child support, AND you may end up being expected to pay for TWO homes during the divorce process... it's so much easier, in people's minds, to try and make their spouse settle down so they can continue having their side romance without the huge upheaval of the divorce.

 

- fear of loss. Losing access to your kids, you're almost guaranteed to lose them at least some of the time and possibly a lot of the time. Losing your home, if the other spouse gets to keep it or you can't afford it. Losing your friends, since some will probably side with your spouse. Losing some of your identity (this is stupid but true, a lot of cheaters feel like failures if they have to get divorced, like it's a blow to their self-respect to become a Divorced person, and yet apparently they didn't think of that while cheating?)

 

- guilt. A lot of cheaters are conflict avoidant. They cheat rather than ask for what they want because they're afraid of the reaction they'll get. Divorce is guaranteed to bring about reactions. And a lot of betrayed spouses threaten suicide. Some attempt it. Even though it's a sign that the relationship has turned toxic and you shouldn't stay together, it is very difficult to walk away from someone who keeps putting herself in the hospital.

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