MrNicePolarBear Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Please help! I'm going on my fourteenth year love being married to my wife, but in the last few years and have seems like it's all about her and not about us or me. I feel like she is punishing me for what her ex-husband did to her. I thought all women want to be treated equal. She expects me to wine and dine and romance her but when it comes to me I'm just nothing. I work nights and I am bringing the majority of the money home. I'm also a part time caretaker for my father and he is very important to me. I know I should give her a little extra attention since I am trying to take care of my father it has gone to extreme where she expects things all the time. Can someone please help me understand what I am missing is this normal or what. I feel if nothing changes my marriage is pretty much over. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Welcome to the boards. Women are not a homogeneous group who all want the same thing. Some of us live to serve, some want to be treated as equals. Some of us want to be treated like princesses. And there's everything in between. That said, there's nothing in your post which is relevant to being treated as an equal...so I'm not sure of the link between the problem and equality. When you say that your wife wants to be wined and dined and romanced, I'm guessing she feels alienated from you and wants to do nice dinners and romantic things in order to reconnect. Or to just feel like you care. Does she specify that it has to be expensive restaurants? Or is she happy at a cheap Thai with wine you brought with you? Between working nights and caring for your dad, how much quality time do you spend with your wife? What does she do for you to show she cares? For that matter, what do you do to show you care? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Have you said something to her like "with everything going on between work & caring for my dad, I'm starting to feel burned out. Do you think you could give me some extra TLC?" You should specify what that looks like -- a back rub, a game night, sex, your favorite meal. Also perhaps look into some respite care for dad to give yourself a break. The best thing I ever did was bring in an aide to care for my mom. She was safe. I got to socialize with her rather than bathe her etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 I feel like she is punishing me for what her ex-husband did to her. You'll have to explain how this ties into the issues you're describing. I thought all women want to be treated equal. She expects me to wine and dine and romance her but when it comes to me I'm just nothing. Really two separate issues here. Do you feel unimportant or are her expectations unrealistic? In other words, were she more reciprocating and giving, would you still be willing to give your marriage the same amount of effort and attention? I try to go out of my way daily to do something big or small to make my wife feel special and appreciated. And that investment is more than returned, which makes it easy. Chicken and/or egg... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 . She expects me to wine and dine and romance her but when it comes to me I'm just nothing. Is this basically about sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrNicePolarBear Posted January 31, 2019 Author Share Posted January 31, 2019 One of those posts regarding about sex and this isn't about that For many years I have made it a priority to take care of her and her children. And the years gone by it has been more about themselves and not I'm about family and that includes her. The children I understand why they think that way. But from my wife I don't. For many years I have worked in pain. Let my health is deteriorate just to make sure that we had a roof over our head and everybody can live the lifestyle that they were living besides me. I apologize for my grammar and my spelling . And as for taking care of my dad when I'm not taking care of him im either working or I'm spending time with her I really don't get any time for myself anymore. I will give you a couple examples of what I mean and maybe you can help me out. Example one: she needs her meds, she drives by the drug store on the way home she does not stop there not because she's busy but because she feels she's too tired. Instead she rather me get it ,who is nowhere near the drug store recovering from lower back surgery. Here is another example: mind this is is before I started taking care of my dad. We received tax return refund and instead of paying the bills and then splitting between the two of us she decided to spend just about all of it going out to eat clothes. she explains to me about the food was because she was too tired to cook and the clothes made her feel good. The bills didn't get paid, that wasn't on the priorities of her list. I got about 5 % of our refund. This is going on for the last few years. I'm a pretty easy-going guy. I even let her talk to her old male friends from high school. but as soon as I talk to anyone I get 50 questions. please Don't lecture me about being romantic maybe because I do know how to be romantic. I know the little things matter and I used to do quite a bit. But the one she started acting like a princess and not like a equal partner I stopped. Where are the women when they see their man working hard they come out and help offer them out that is something I would do if the roles were reversed. But my wife wouldn't to do that. I will say typing this is alot hard to explain my self. I just want 50/50. But that ain't happening with her. She does have some Minor control problems also, in which I mentioned earlier. Before I end this lesson, I want to thank everyone that replied I do appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2019 Share Posted January 31, 2019 From what you wrote it sounds like you feel taken advantage of. You need to talk to her about that. It's ridiculous that she doesn't pick up her own meds. At this point she could even have them delivered but to expect you to go out of your way all the time seems selfish. Who are the tax return checks made payable to? If you filed jointly, did she forge your name before spending all that money on herself? sounds like you need a better budget system in your house. Do speak to her about that because finances are a major cause of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 Example one: she needs her meds, she drives by the drug store on the way home she does not stop there not because she's busy but because she feels she's too tired. Instead she rather me get it ,who is nowhere near the drug store recovering from lower back surgery. MrNicePolarBear, how does she force you to go get the meds? Gunpoint? Bomb threat? Extortion? Obviously, neither she nor anyone else can take advantage of you unless you allow it. We have only ourselves to blame for these resentments since our acquiescence is their root cause. Stand up for yourself and this all goes away. And I'd guess she'd respect you more for doing so... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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