I'm scared for myself. I think my ex is stalking me

[golden.peach]

Hey there,

 

I'm shaking as I'm writing this because I don't know how to react.

 

I think my ex from almost 15 years ago is stalking me and it worries me. I don't know what to do next. I'll cal him Z.

 

I dated this guy almost 15 years ago, when I was 16. It was my first serious relationship. It was also a LDR one, but we were seeing each other pretty often. I broke up with him when I began noticing he had schizophrenia-like symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, depression). He also had a violent side, so I had to end it.

 

These were just some background info.

 

After the break-up all hell broke loose for a while. The suicide threats, the crying, the messages and weird e-mails. I had him blocked and told my parents about it. I wasn't concerned for my safety back then.

 

Meanwhile, my life went on. I moved to another city. I forgot about his existence. I had many other flings and relationships.

 

Then, around four years after we broke up, when I was in Uni I had to upload a project online, signed with my name and my e-mail address (it was part of an evaluation for one of the subjects I studied). It didn't took long and Z wrote me an e-mail. I assumed this was just a coincidence and blocked his address.

 

Remember when I said it was a LDR relationship? Guess what? One year later, I froze when I saw him in the new city I was living in. I began noticing him in the places I went to (certain pubs or bars). He never said anything, but his presence scared me.

 

I did some research and found out that he enrolled at a University I previously was enrolled as well (but I quit after the first semester).

 

I tried to put everything behind me. I moved in with another man, let's call him P. (we lived together for 4 years, but we recently split). One day, when P and I were coming home from work, I saw my ex in the same tram. Looking at me, without saying a thing. When we got off, he headed in the same direction as P and I, and while he did that, he kept looking back at me.

 

I told P that I was concerned, but he said I shouldn't let it bother me, considering that we live together and he's always around in case something happens.

 

Let's skip forward. P and I broke up a few months ago (but I don't live alone). I also changed my job during that period. I'm mentioning this because my job requires me to have social media accounts, sharing my name publicly, a phone number etc. I can't, nor I want, to live hiding. The things is, Z just sent me a friend request. It all came back to me. I deleted it and made some info available just for my friends, but I'm afraid...

 

I don't know what to do. I can't go to the police because he wasn't violent, nor he threatened me. But his perseverance bothers and scares me. I don't want anything to do with him, as I explained to him many years ago. I'm afraid because I don't know what he's up to. I don't know if I should reach out and ask him what he wants or simply ignore him.

 

Does anyone have any advice? Thank you!

[Wallysbears]

Can you use a fake name on social media?

 

This guy sounds very creepy. Even if it is a coincidence.

 

Please be safe and aware of your surroundings and perhaps proactively seek him out on social media and block him?

[golden.peach]

Can you use a fake name on social media?

 

This guy sounds very creepy. Even if it is a coincidence.

 

Please be safe and aware of your surroundings and perhaps proactively seek him out on social media and block him?

 

I could block the account he sent me that friend request from. But he's not using his full name either, so I can't check if he has any other accounts.

 

I can't use a fake name. My name also appears in several online registries, related to the professional association I'm a member of.

 

I'm sorry if I might not make sense, but I was shaken.

[Kitty Tantrum]

He also had a violent side, so I had to end it.

 

...

 

I can't go to the police because he wasn't violent

 

I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and evaluate which of these statements is more true. If it was enough for you to feel unsafe, it seems like that would be enough to at least bring to the attention of the authorities, even if there was nothing to actually charge him with. Violent and unstable behavior is plenty cause for concern even if you weren't injured by it.

 

I don't know what your local police force is like, but I know that the officers in my town would take those concerns pretty seriously. Police reports don't necessarily have to be actionable. You can report something like this for the purpose of future reference just in case there's an escalation. I mean, it might sound farfetched, but what if (heaven forbid) this guy actually did something to you, you turn up missing... if there was a report, even if nothing came of it at the time, that would be a starting place.

 

It could be a coincidence/simple lack of social calibration with nothing sinister behind it, but it's at least worth letting some people know who are in a position to help if it ends up being a worst case scenario.

[Rayce]

golden.peach I know how scared you are. Do you have a home alarm system? If not get one. Do you know any self defense moves? If not get some lessons? Do you own a handgun? If not get one and obtain training and a concealed handgun permit. That's how I handle my stalker situation. I had a stalker situation about 10 years ago that ended up with over $10,000 worth of damage. I am glad I was not home at the time. Do not take stalking lightly.

Edited January 30, 2019 by Rayce

[Simple Logic]

You are concerned enough to be scared, so call the police after you read this. Stalking is not a crime that is proven easily. It takes a series of incidents to build a case. The police will give you instructions. Follow their instructions. If you get an officer who doesn’t seem to take your concerns seriously, call the police back and ask meet with a supervisor

[edgygirl]

I believe I once dated a narcissist. We broke up, and about a year later I'm on the beach relaxing and out of nowhere I see a message coming from him. I shook really hard, no comparison to the stress you're going through but I get you.

 

I sent back a message saying that if he ever contacted me again I'd contact the police.

 

It's been almost 5 years and I haven't heard from him since. That worked in my case. Maybe you could try something similar if you ever hear from him again?

[golden.peach]

After I gave it a thought, I decided to go to the police, even though I knew what they were going to say.

 

The thing is, where I live, there's no legislation for stalking. The authorities can't do much until AFTER something happens. And by something I mean something extreme, like getting beat, kidnapped or worse.

 

The policemen explained me that. But they wrote down my name and his and the chief of the department gave me his number and told me to give him a call in case I notice anything suspect.

 

Like someone above said, stalking is not something easy to prove. That's true, and it's harder in a country that doesn't have laws against it.

 

I do know some self defense moves & carry a pepper spray around. Over here, it's super uncommon to have a gun for self defense. I also don't have a home alarm, but I'm considering one.

 

It's funny how I signed up on loveshack because I was concerned about dating, and here I am, talking about someone I didn't plan to ever talk about :laugh:

 

P.S. - When I said my ex had a violent side, I meant that was happening shortly before I broke up with him. When we started meeting on the streets he never approached me, he was just creepy