Why do men take it out on the other man, when confronted with infidelity

[Stained]

I don’t know if there is any truth to this, but we hear about it a lot.

 

Why is it, that when a MM or guy in a serious relationship finds out, that his wife or girlfriend has been cheating or having an affair, he feels the need to beat up the other guy. I do know that not all men feels this way, but we hear many stories like that. The guy could be a complete unknown, but still he wants to “end” him. Why is that? He is not the one betraying him. The blame is to be put on the wife or girlfriend. But I guess that when you receive some devastating news, you do not think everything through. You just let your emotions go. And the “other man” is the one ruining your life, so that is why you have to confront him. But as we all know, it is the wife or girlfriend, that is doing the hurting. Not the other man.

[PegNosePete]

It's not specific to men, women frequently do exactly the same. Blaming the other woman for stealing her husband.

 

Most BS love and trust their spouse and can't believe they would do anything like cheat. It must surely be outside influence (ie. the AP) that corrupted them. It makes no sense, of course: but BS don't act through sense and logic, they act through emotion.

[elaine567]

Because the other man can hardly be called blameless.

He knowingly went sniffing around another man's wife/gf/partner with the intention of having sex with her at the very least and at worst stealing her away altogether...

It is seen as low life, deceitful behaviour that many men find abhorrent, so they then want to punish the other man for invading the relationship.

Men also know other men and know how vulnerable some women can be to the advances of a predatory man, so it no surprise they want to beat up such a guy.

 

Anyone who knowingly enters into the marriage of another, needs to accept there may be bad consequences to that action.

[basil67]

Necaue human emotions don’t always follow logic

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Why is that? He is not the one betraying him. The blame is to be put on the wife or girlfriend...

The wife is gets plenty of blame. That's obvious! But the AP is also held accountable and is culpable for their willful participation in destroying a marriage/family. I hold her OM culpable for his involvement. Blame is not either/or, its BOTH.

 

And the “other man” is the one ruining your life, so that is why you have to confront him. But as we all know, it is the wife or girlfriend, that is doing the hurting. Not the other man.

Again, I hold the OM responsible for his actions. He knew what he was getting into. Confronting the OM and doing harm to him is basic alpha male behavior. In the animal kingdom the OM challenged me for my mate. He trespassed into my home/marriage/pack. This is all on the primal instinct level. I can't imagine a man not responding in the same manner.

[Guildford]

In some cases it is because the husband or boyfriend views the woman as his property, not as his partner. He would not blame his car if someone stole it.

[thefooloftheyear]

It's inherent male territoriality....It happens with animals as well...

 

I think also(at least its been my experience), that most men honor a "code" among other men when it comes to their women...Its not nearly as common as women stealing other women's men...There is no code or honor there...

 

TFY

[Lotus_Luna]

I belive men are more territorial

 

My husband was mad so eone touched his property

 

He wanted to fight my AP to keep him away and show I belonged to him

 

The whoke reaction was laughable since AP is an experienced fighter with a good hundred pounds and a foot on my husband.

 

But my husband sees me as his property. He was more upset another man kissed me then the fact I fell in love with someone else.

 

In tirn, my AP atruggled with my husband and the mistreatment I took. He felt bound to me and the entire situation was difficult.

[DKT3]

I believe that it's hard to reconcile what we thought the cheating spouse was vs who they actually are. it's hard to accept that they would betray you so its easier and more comfortable to place blame outside.

 

Reactions can be caveman like, what's odd is most men no long veiw an unfaithful wife as worthy and will often leave once they feel they have her back.

[preraph]

Anger. People, men or women, who insist that but for this third party, whether it be a friend or group of friends or in-law or person they cheated with, is the one who's responsible are not giving their partner credit for having their own brain, so it is the very height of disrespect to blame it fully on anyone other than their cheating partner. It's like saying, He/she is too stupid to think of cheating on his own.

[Timshel]

What did you do stained? You got caught having sex with another guys gf? Now he wants to kick your butt?

 

 

Be best buds (after he kicks your #ss) with the guy.

 

Lose the instigator. Are you going to marry this person after you are now in a position that you are checking your health insurance...

 

 

FYI, any person that thinks it's funny and cute to play you against physical harm is not worth the time it takes to say no.

 

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

It's inherent male territoriality....It happens with animals as well...

 

I think also(at least its been my experience), that most men honor a "code" among other men when it comes to their women...Its not nearly as common as women stealing other women's men...There is no code or honor there...

 

TFY

 

Well there is supposed to be but women don't honor other women when it comes to men. I know women who will beat another woman up if they mess with their husbands. I wonder sometimes why more women aren't afraid for their life when they decide to have sex with another woman's husband. You never know what a betrayed spouse will do.

[stillafool]

I don’t know if there is any truth to this, but we hear about it a lot.

 

Why is it, that when a MM or guy in a serious relationship finds out, that his wife or girlfriend has been cheating or having an affair, he feels the need to beat up the other guy. I do know that not all men feels this way, but we hear many stories like that. The guy could be a complete unknown, but still he wants to “end” him. Why is that? He is not the one betraying him. The blame is to be put on the wife or girlfriend. But I guess that when you receive some devastating news, you do not think everything through. You just let your emotions go. And the “other man” is the one ruining your life, so that is why you have to confront him. But as we all know, it is the wife or girlfriend, that is doing the hurting. Not the other man.

 

I'm sure many men would love to slap and beat their cheating wife but they know they will end up in jail.

[Woggle]

Because in the heat of the moment people tend not to think clearly. I just divorced her and told the guy to get the hell out of my house. He ran out in his underwear.

[Stained]

What did you do stained? You got caught having sex with another guys gf? Now he wants to kick your butt?

<snip>

 

 

Haha – Oh no no. I just thought of it.

I had this discussion with a friend of mine, and we both agreed, that the other man weren’t the true villain. So my post is not of my own bat. Mine is completely different, but has nothing to do with this post.

But I do see all your points, and I don’t know I would react, if it were to happen to me. I’m not much of a fighter, and pretty much despise it, so I guess I would react completely different. But I guess you have to face the situation, before you could truly answer.

Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Timshel]

Haha – But I guess you have to face the situation, before you could truly answer.

 

 

Indeed. Carry on Stained.

[central]

Also, he can probably get away with punching the other man, but if he punches his wife, domestic violence charges will surely follow, and there will also be almost no chance of getting her back (if he'd even want a damned cheater). Besides, punching his wife isn't "manly," but beating the other guy may feel that way (even though it isn't).

[JuneL]

There’s a current thread in which the OP and her best friend have been having an affair for years. When the OW’s husband found out, he beat her so bad that the OW was put in an induced coma in hospital; needless to say, her husband is now in jail.

[chillii]

Something l've wrestled with for a long time this one.

See, in the animal kingdom, she isn't necessarily enabling the intruder , she's most likely minding her own business and he's more likely just come in sniffing around, so that f@cker needs to be fixed.

Where as in humans, a married situation or long term, there's gonna be men that try, there's gonna be women that try.

He or she might not even be aware they are married to begin with , what if it's just out somewhere.

Or what if it's just an at work situation where they become end up becoming close.

 

But whatever the sitch, he isn't gonna get anywhere, if she doesn't allow it.

She's not an animal dealing with the most basics of instincts, She's an adult female human being with high intelligence, a conscience, and extremely heightened awareness, and most likely a husband and family at home.

 

He finds this out and there's a T intersection. He can't turn right , if she doesn't enable it , even welcome it. It ain't gonna happen without her say so and so he has to turn left and be on his way.

So who is to blame, who do you beat up, who deserves it more ?

Compared, he doesn't even know you, he has no loyalty to anyone just yet, she's married to you, she has a family, she's spent 10 or 20yrs building the family and your life, she took vows but yet she enables it- or he. She's saying sure, you can turn right, l'm here, try if you like, don't worry about my family, my kids, my husband of 20 yrs, vows,give it a go.

Whatever he's doing, whatever the sitch, without that approval , he has to turn left.

 

So who is more in the wrong , who deserves to be beaten up more , who has really done the worst kind of betrayal a human being can do.???

Do you go beat someone, kill them , run over them , burn their house down , whatever , when the very person your supposedly fighting for and loved , just allowed it , most likely even welcomed it.

She has brains, she's not a baby , l don't giva fk what emotional shape she was in, she allowed it, she might've even gone looking for it, hell she might've even chased him or been walking round with a sign on her head. What sort of a fool fights for a women, or husband, that did that ?

 

This is the real question.

Edited January 29, 2019 by chillii

[2.50 a gallon]

When I met my ex-W, I was a confirmed bachelor in my 30's. But as the only one of a dozen grandchildren capable of passing on the family name, I was getting a lot of family heat to tie the knot and make babies.

Almost from day one, my Ex wanted to marry. I held out for about 3 years, when I finally agreed to marry her. She was extremely good looking and sexy, fold out material, and my way of thinking was if I have to chose just one sex partner for the rest of my life why not pick the hottest one possible.

On our wedding day I fell in love with her, when I saw this lovely goddess walking down the aisle to take her vows with me. The thought finally popped in my head, I can settle down, have a house, and a family, I was all in.

Shortly after we married she accepted an awesome job in Silicon Valley. So we moved a thousand miles away from out home town.

Alas as it turned out a large number of her co-workers, were members of an "est" like cult and were constantly harping on her to take the training. At a cost of several thousand dollars, which we could not afford. So the fights began.

They ended on our six month anniversary when I tried to surprise her at her work for lunch. I was the one surprised as I caught her kissing a pretty boy body building guard in the outside eating area. In a flash all of my dreams were shattered. I can always control my anger, but at the moment of discovery the reptilian part of my brain was red hot.

Luckily there was a chain link fence with razor wire between us.

[snowcones]

I don’t know if there is any truth to this, but we hear about it a lot.

 

Why is it, that when a MM or guy in a serious relationship finds out, that his wife or girlfriend has been cheating or having an affair, he feels the need to beat up the other guy. I do know that not all men feels this way, but we hear many stories like that. The guy could be a complete unknown, but still he wants to “end” him. Why is that? He is not the one betraying him. The blame is to be put on the wife or girlfriend. But I guess that when you receive some devastating news, you do not think everything through. You just let your emotions go. And the “other man” is the one ruining your life, so that is why you have to confront him. But as we all know, it is the wife or girlfriend, that is doing the hurting. Not the other man.

 

 

Because they desperately want to stay with their cheating wife and somebody has to take the blame. Enter the other man. (or woman when the genders are reversed) It's their fault.

[thefooloftheyear]

Because they desperately want to stay with their cheating wife and somebody has to take the blame. Enter the other man. (or woman when the genders are reversed) It's their fault.

 

This is generally not true, at least in my own experience...

 

Guys who know that the woman they care about has been fcking someone else, in almost every case he probably won't want to be with her anymore...I have seen women take back cheating men(in fact, its actually pretty common), but for a lot of guys that image gets burned so hard in their skull that its too much to overcome..

 

TFY

[pepperbird]

This is just based upon my own observations. you may feel differently.

 

Some like to believe that the om/ow getting blamed is because the bs doesn't want to blame their husband or wife. While I'm sure that happens, for some of us, it's a heck of a lot more simple than that.

 

When it comes to an affair, it's not like there's only so much blame, or the cheating spouse and om.ow are even blamed in the same way. The ws gets blamed for straying, and the om.ow gets blamed for their part.

 

The best analogy I have ( and it's not a great one) is this. A person is walking along and sees a wallet with $50.00, along with a bunch of ID in it. Now, keeping that $50.00 bucks might feel great, it might help him to buy something he's always wanted. He knows it not ethical to keep it, yet because he wants to, he does.

 

Now I know people can't be stolen and they are free to choose their own path. This goes both ways. Just as the married person is free to choose, so is the affair partner. There are always ways to shut it down. If one chooses not to, that is on them. It might feel good to blame the married person, but really, if he knows she's married, what the frick did he think was going to happen? All the "she made me promises!!" holds no water, as I highly doubt she was making those promises the first time they met.

 

This is part of why husbands blame the om.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

This is just based upon my own observations. you may feel differently. Some like to believe that the om/ow getting blamed is because the bs doesn't want to blame their husband or wife. While I'm sure that happens, for some of us, it's a heck of a lot more simple than that.<snip>

 

I liked your first part of the post because it states that blames for WS and AP are not mutually exclusive. There is no shortage of "blame" to go around. Some people/poster assume that if I blame the OM, than I'm NOT blaming my WW. That is not accurate.

 

Here is my analogy. A marriage is like a retirement plan/savings. I'm married and within the marriage the two of us have built up a large amount of equity (invested in the marriage/ bank account) over the years. We agreed on how much to save/invest and our goals for this savings (i.e. marriage). I invest part of my income into the account, she does the same.

 

BUT, at some point she wants all of the equity for herself. She wants to transfer it to her own account. She doesn't know to do this, so she seeks out a male friend to help her steal the money. He agrees. They steal all of the money in the account and blow it on a lavish vacation; just the two of them.

 

Who am I going to blame? My wife AND her friend who assisted her in the theft. The other man will say, "Well, it wasn't me who stole the money, the wife did. I'm an innocent bystander. I didn't make any promises to the husband about the account. He should blame only his wife, not me."

Edited January 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Overtaxed]

This won't be popular..

 

Because it's usually primarily the OM's fault. Now, this is by nature of sex itself; but, it's very rare that a female pursues a man for sex in an affair or in "real life". Yes, it happens, perhaps more often in A's than IRL, but, at the same time, it's almost always the man who's chasing after the woman sex (but saying something else), so, yeah, they deserve most of the blame.

 

Unless, of course, you look at it the other way. Women are constantly pursued for sex. It's their job to say no. So, if you look at it that way, well, then, it's the OW's fault.

 

And I think that's basically how you can wind up with 2 BS's who both blame the other AP. And, even applying logic, you can't fault them for where they place the blame. Yes, my husband shouldn't have been sniffing up your wife's skirt, but, what is she, a 12 year old? She's been saying no to men her entire life, that's what she's supposed to do. And, the opposite, yes, my wife shouldn't have slept with your H, but if he wasn't pursing her like a rabit dog and making up so much bull that he would have needed a dump truck to carry it, none of this would have ever happened.

 

And, in society in general, men are always responsible for sex. It's just the way it is, or it's ingrained in us to be by society (not sure if it's nature or nurture, I suspect nature). Women determine if sex will happen or not, but men pursue, women choose. So it's easy to be mad at someone who actively pursed your wife, it feels very premeditated (because it usually is), and targeted directly at you (which it's not, most OM I know don't have a "target" they have "targets", it's not about pursing one woman until she gives in, it's about pursing lots of women and hoping the law of large numbers works in your favor.. Simply put, it' s not usually personal, a guy is chasing women and your wife is a woman, has nothing to do with who you are, or even who she is beyond her status as woman).