I think my girlfriend is being really abusive and manipulative. I feel so much pain

[el.mariachi93]

It really tears my heart apart. Please, help me! I'm in so much pain because of this.

 

Morning, everyone.

 

Disclaimer: since English is not my native language, I apologise for mind-blowing collocations and horrible mistakes

 

I'll try to be brief. We've been dating for four years, I'm (25y.o.)kinda chill guy who doesn't like arguments and is a really open-minded person. I always try to listen to those who argue with me and can change my point of view if I got convinced. She's (25y.o.) a great girl, a really nice one; really caring and courteous, yet she comes from a pretty tough background just as I am. I think it is important to tell a bit about it.

 

Her father is an abuser, both emotional and physical. Despite she made her way and learned how to deal with him in an effective manner, he still abused her mother. He had frequent temper tantrums after some minor things, and would rarely hit her mother, who is his complete opposite. She is calm af and really caring for other people. They are divorcing right now.

 

As for me, my parents have always been really distant with me. My mom worked her ass off and could easily come home at like 9PM, while my father was drinking heavily and, basically, not being a father to me and my elder brother. He also cheated a lot on my mum, so cheating is a taboo for me as I detest lots of thing about him adn think we should be honest with our partners. Parents said they loved us, but they never did anything to really show this. I think I may have fear of abandonment because of this.

 

Long story short, my girlfriend is both caring and assertive when she wants to push something. She is not easily messed with, and I really like it about her, but sometimes it gets too complicated. Basically, that's why we are not still married and we still do not live together. She still lives with her mother right now. We've been looking for an apartment lease last few months until yesterday.

 

The number and fierceness of her temper tantrums was insane during our first three years. I think it's because that is the way she communicated with her first man in her life, namely her father. She could easily throw one and yell at me till, like 5AM, because I didn't give her flowers or some other stuff. She could easily call me at 2AM and start arguing even she knew I had an important exam next day. When I tried to tell her that I need to rest, she would tell me that I'm being an egoist since I don't care for her emotions. It seems that she developed some kind of exhausting tactics with me. I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes, I surely did, but I couldn't understand why one would do this to the partner, so I told her it's not okay. It took me three tiresome years to convince her she needs help with her anger control. She went to therapy and done pretty good job with that. Or maybe it is just I who has become a lot more agreable?...

 

I, in my turn, was diagnosed with a minor mental condition (depresonalization and derealization syndrome) as a result of these fallouts.

 

So, it all boils down to a pretty tough situation we are having right now. I got a female friend. She has done a lot for me, and I really like having her around. My girlfriend is really jealous and she wants me to stop communicating with her since she is rather promiscuous type (which she really is). For the record, I have always been loyal to my girlfriend and would never cheat on her.

 

Last year I was suddenly faced with a situation when I had no to place to stay and no money to pay the rent, so this friend of mine suggested that I live for a couple of weeks at her place. I knew it was really strange and to all surprise my girlfriend said it would be completely OK. I was ashamed of that, but still did it cause I had no other option. However, my girlfriend turned 180 degrees on this when I lived there. Needless to say, it was a complete nightmare for both of us until I finally moved in to another place. I almost cut my contact with this friend out of respect to my girlfriend's feelings, we are just chatting right now and see each other like once or twice a year.

 

So, she is really sensitive about my realtions with this female friend of mine. It was her birthday last week, so I thought it would be respectful of my girlfriend to ask her if it would be ok if I go to her house and congratulate her. Had she told me about her feelings in a calm manner, I would have done what she expected. But that was again another temper tantrum. She yelled at me so hard and was swearing a lot I had to take a break and write it all to calm down. It really felt like she wanted me to become like her father and yell like mad and throw things to prove I'm right.

 

- I feel pain. You must stop doing this because I feel pain and I don't need to explain to you why you must stop doing this. This is a complete disregard to me!

 

- Your father is a cheater! Every time you tell me about this friend of yours I remember it and it tears my heart!

 

- It is me or her. You must stop communicating with her all together.

 

- You say I don't trust you? Are you stupid? How dare you be so disrespectful of me and my feelings?

 

- So what? You mean, if a girl trusts her man, he can go to a whorehouse and expect her to eat that?

 

How does it work actually? It really blows my mind. I understand that she is really into me, that she is hurt for reason, but... Is she abusing and manipulating me? I really love her, but I mean... If your partner asks you not to do this or that because she or he says it hurts their feelings and not caring to properly explain it, you are expected to stop doing this? Maybe I'm too vigilant and it is I who has trust issues and abuses her? I really want to stop her feeling pain, but... My gut says something is really wrong here.

 

It almost always coincides with especially hard periods of life for me when she tries to throw a temper tantrum. Despite the fact she has done pretty amazing job with that and we had like only two incidents during last half a year I feel like it is still not enough. I can barely hold my mind together after them. I had to sleep like for seven hours straight just to get in touch with reality. She also sent me a couple of text messages after that saying that she is sorry, but the damage has already been done and I know that when I call her she will still push me and ask if I decided to cut ties with this friend of mine or not.

 

I also went to therapy and counseling, but it didn't really help. I started to be more assertive, but... There's so much good in our relationship (she is so kind, sweet and smart and 95% of time is amazing with her), but the bad is so bad it sometimes makes me wonder if I should really go with it. I'm also not into labelling people cause we all need to have second chances, but in this case I sometimes believe she is a lot like her father in such a destructive way that will make me really unhappy in the long run.

 

I would be really happy if you could help me, guys.

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to LS! I think that you are in a very hard situation. I totally understand why you went to see the second female friend - your GF has such a horrendous temper. She can't control when she's going to have an outburst. If she's had therapy and she is still doing this, she is going to teach this method of coping to the next generation. She hasn't yet fully knocked the raging woman out of her, but she isn't totally to blame because she grew up that way, and it is her normal.

 

You have to give her a strong ultimatum. You can either never have temper tantrums again - or we split. You can ask her to have a step by step discussion each time she wants something done - and let her know in no uncertain terms that you've been hurt by her tantrums. She's right to be upset that you wanted another woman - and you were obviously seeking out a more peaceful life.

 

If that's something she is unable to guarantee you, then you leave for your female friend. I have experienced the torture of female temper tantrums, and it is exhausting and debilitating. I have been there caballero. For whatever happens, uphold her safety and your safety. Never think to hit her or abuse her back - but you have to be very firm and let her know this is black and white, that you don't accept any kind of explosive rage. You are trying not to be an emotional doormat, and I commend it. The struggle is hard. But you have to lay it out in black and white terms. It is not acceptable for her to argue with you in the same way her dad argued with her mother.

[el.mariachi93]

Welcome to LS! I think that you are in a very hard situation. I totally understand why you went to see the second female friend - your GF has such a horrendous temper. She can't control when she's going to have an outburst. If she's had therapy and she is still doing this, she is going to teach this method of coping to the next generation. She hasn't yet fully knocked the raging woman out of her, but she isn't totally to blame because she grew up that way, and it is her normal.

 

You have to give her a strong ultimatum. You can either never have temper tantrums again - or we split. You can ask her to have a step by step discussion each time she wants something done - and let her know in no uncertain terms that you've been hurt by her tantrums. She's right to be upset that you wanted another woman - and you were obviously seeking out a more peaceful life.

 

If that's something she is unable to guarantee you, then you leave for your female friend. I have experienced the torture of female temper tantrums, and it is exhausting and debilitating. I have been there caballero. For whatever happens, uphold her safety and your safety. Never think to hit her or abuse her back - but you have to be very firm and let her know this is black and white, that you don't accept any kind of explosive rage. You are trying not to be an emotional doormat, and I commend it. The struggle is hard. But you have to lay it out in black and white terms. It is not acceptable for her to argue with you in the same way her dad argued with her mother.

 

Thanks a lot for such an insightful comment! I was thinking of doing something like that, but the fact that I have to make an ultimatum is something that boggles my mind. It is the very thing she frequently did and I assume it is the last resort tool when you admit you can't do anything about a situation. I guess the time has come.

 

And another thing. This is not a matter of choosing between my GF and this female friend, she is just a friend for me and that's it. It is a matter of personal boundaries, I think.

[Garcon1986]

Remember that she is right in being upset that you chose another woman, but you are right in not wanting any more emotional abuse from her. You should talk to her and tell her that you will be able to argue about anything she wants but that if a future relationship is going to stand between you two, you both need to fight fair. Anything other than fair fighting is not allowed.

[Downtown]

Mariachi, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling demands, temper tantrums, great fear of abandonment (irrational jealousy), black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms (i.e., is a "pwBPD").

 

I can barely hold my mind together after [her temper tantrums].

If you really have been dating a pwBPD for 3 years, it is not surprising that you sometimes feel like you may be losing your mind. Because pwBPD typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I would be really happy if you could help me, guys.

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If most ring a bell and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And if you ever feel inclined to marry or cohabit with this young lady, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

Edited January 29, 2019 by Downtown

[el.mariachi93]

Mariachi, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling demands, temper tantrums, great fear of abandonment (irrational jealousy), black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she is exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms (i.e., is a "pwBPD").

 

If you really have been dating a pwBPD for 3 years, it is not surprising that you sometimes feel like you may be losing your mind. Because pwBPD typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If most ring a bell and you have questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. And if you ever feel inclined to marry or cohabit with this young lady, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

Ehm... I'm afraid I find it difficult to find words for how I'm grateful for this reply. When I read that post of yours, it left me speechless.

 

It's like... almost all of the points you have mentioned there fit her personality, I think it's like 95% accurate with the exception of mirroring. I'm confused and a bit terrified to say the least.

 

Thanks a lot. That was quite a realization

[Downtown]

She is so kind, sweet and smart and 95% of time is amazing with her.

Mariachi, most pwBPD exhibit a warmth, sponteneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise is seen only in young children. And, as any parent can tell you, young children are VERY EASY to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Indeed, it is this childlike behavior that makes most pwBPD very hard to walk away from. Because you are essentially in a parent/child relationship, leaving is so painful because it feels like you're abandoning a young child who -- despite her frequent temper tantrums -- must dearly love and need you.

 

It is believed that a pwBPD behaves this way because she likely suffered a combination of trauma and genetics in early childhood that froze her emotional development at about age 4. This is why she is unable to regulate her own emotions.

 

The result is that she frequently experiences feelings and fears so intense that they distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why a pwBPD usually believes the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Like a young child, she does not intellectually challenge those feelings. Instead, she accepts intense feelings as "facts."

 

If your GF is a pwBPD, she is capable of loving you very intensely but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only ten seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a childish behavior called "black-white thinking."

 

Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because her close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

I'm confused and a bit terrified to say the least.

As I noted earlier, "confused" is exactly how you should be feeling if you've been dating a pwBPD for 3 years. Until she has had many years of intensive therapy in a program such as CBT or DBT, whatever you do likely will be wrong much of the time. She will perceive you as wrong if you DO and wrong if you DON'T.

 

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourselves in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

 

Hence, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Indeed, she may get a scary feeling that she is losing herself in your dominating, strong personality.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears.

 

Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

 

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU.

 

Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD having strong symptoms, you will often find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing.

Edited January 29, 2019 by Downtown

[elaine567]

Whatever issues she may have, very few women will put up with promiscuous female friends hanging around and living with their bf without having major melt downs and tantrums.

 

 

You lit the touchpaper and are now suffering from the fall out.

YOU know you will not cheat, SHE doesn't know that.

You can act all innocent, but you knowingly stirred the pot.

People both men and women react badly to close friends of the opposite sex. Most need to cut ties eventually as it is not tolerated and causes oodles of issues in the main relationship.

If you want a peaceful life then you need to ditch the female friend asap.

[el.mariachi93]

Whatever issues she may have, very few women will put up with promiscuous female friends hanging around and living with their bf without having major melt downs and tantrums.

 

 

You lit the touchpaper and are now suffering from the fall out.

YOU know you will not cheat, SHE doesn't know that.

You can act all innocent, but you knowingly stirred the pot.

People both men and women react badly to close friends of the opposite sex. Most need to cut ties eventually as it is not tolerated and causes oodles of issues in the main relationship.

If you want a peaceful life then you need to ditch the female friend asap.

 

I mean, she god a whole bunch of male friends, and I never behave like that when she wants to go out with them.

 

YOU know you will not cheat, SHE doesn't know that.

 

Isn't it basically the definition of mistrust?

[darkmoon]

You are not a victim, but the trouble-maker bringing this problem on yourself.

 

 

 

You both have the right to make shared decisions about your friendship circle, if you are a real committed couple that is.

 

I'd have dumped you first time you pissed me off over some dodgy friend - red flag right there for me - I take it she is not your only female friend?

Edited January 30, 2019 by darkmoon

[Downtown]

YOU know you will not cheat, SHE doesn't know that. Isn't it basically the definition of mistrust?

Yes, Mariachi. If she actually is a pwBPD as you suspect, she is incapable of trusting herself because she is so unstable. Until she learns how to do that, she will be incapable of trusting you. Please see post #7 above, where I try to address that issue. Edited January 30, 2019 by Downtown

[Tailor2000]

Whatever issues she may have, very few women will put up with promiscuous female friends hanging around and living with their bf without having major melt downs and tantrums.

 

 

You lit the touchpaper and are now suffering from the fall out.

YOU know you will not cheat, SHE doesn't know that.

You can act all innocent, but you knowingly stirred the pot.

People both men and women react badly to close friends of the opposite sex. Most need to cut ties eventually as it is not tolerated and causes oodles of issues in the main relationship.

If you want a peaceful life then you need to ditch the female friend asap.

 

I think quite often whether you have opposite sex friends or not and whether your partner chooses to accept them is somewhat cultural. Not to mention demeaning. We're not all out for sex. I think it rather demeaning that those who fear that they can't keep it in their pants judge everyone by their own standards.

 

There is a good point about a trust as well in that sometimes I see one half of the relationship keep talking about trust and will raise an eyebrow as soon as you talk to someone of the opposite sex in a public and friendly setting (even when your partner is right next to you), yet will happily talk with their opposite sex all the time.

 

My girlfriend does this.

 

Having said this. Yes. Relationships are give and take and working out what works for each other and trying to work out each others boundaries. Those are going to be different for all. I would have thought the universal no no however, is sharing a house with someone of the opposite sex.

 

If it's just a friend of the opposite sex that you like spending time with, perhaps bringing your partner into the friendship would help to settle any fears.

 

To the OP, you need to work out what your own relationship red lines are. If you feel it unacceptable for someone to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with, then you know what you need to do. Otherwise you need to look to see if there's anyway you can either make her feel better about the friendship whether through introductions, or limiting time with said friend, or you need to ditch the friend.

[Tailor2000]

You both have the right to make shared decisions about your friendship circle, if you are a real committed couple that is.

 

I'd have dumped you first time you pissed me off over some dodgy friend - red flag right there for me - I take it she is not your only female friend?

 

And this is one of those ones I disagree with. I personally don't think anybody has the right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. My girlfriend has got me to ditch female and male friends on Social Media.

 

For some reason Im putting up with it.

[darkmoon]

And this is one of those ones I disagree with. I personally don't think anybody has the right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. My girlfriend has got me to ditch female and male friends on Social Media.

 

For some reason Im putting up with it.

 

 

and what reason is that?

[Tailor2000]

and what reason is that?

 

Well it's not because I think it right. I wouldn't dream of getting her to ditch her friends. I guess I'm going along with it for an b easy life and because I'm too weak to say you know what, this isn't worth it and you're psychotic.

[preraph]

Do you want to spend your life arguing and trying to avoid upsetting her, which is impossible, since she's not only demanding but insecure? Sounds to me like anyone would be better of with someone a little chill.

[Wallysbears]

I'm a pretty level headed woman. But I'd lose my ever-loving mind if my husband was "living" with some other woman. That's enough to put most women into the 'rage' zone.

 

Not even touching on the "cheating" aspect...the entire dynamic of that is just wrong.

[Garcon1986]

Note that the OPs girlfriend was having some intense emotions even before the other woman thing. He’s within reason to be dissatisfied but not necessarily to seek out another woman. This relationship I think would be really hard to keep up.

[el.mariachi93]

Actually yes. I really doubt if I would be comfortable in her place back then when I had to move in to that friend's house, but again, she could have easily said no to me when I asked. And again, I completely agree it a was pretty f***d up thing to do, I agree. I moved away as soon as I got the money and she said it was uncomfortable for her.

 

But the thing is, these higly intensive quarrels started ehm... I think it was the first month we were dating. She didn't like it when I was seeing her off till the nearest bus station instead of seeing her off till her house, which is like a couple of dozens of miles away from me. I didn't have a car back then, so it meant I had to travel with her each time we were seeing each other. Again, it sounded strange to me, but I though that will make her feel secure, so I did it. We could have settled it down in ten minutes' time if we would have discussed it in a calm manner, but she instead blamed me for not being a man and a selfish jerk for like five hours straight. I wouldn't even though she was so uncomfortable with that.

And these kind of things happened each time she was dissatisfied with something, I can't even give an example because of how numerous these temper tantrums were.

 

So, my plan now is to try to discuss it with her in a calm manner. Again, I will acknowledge her feelings and admit that she is righteous to have these kind of feelings with no regard whether I'm capable of cheating or not. However, these intensely emotional quarrels are undermining my emotional and physical health (I literally had to sleep like 15 hours straight after the last one). Actually, I have already discussed that with her like a year ago. The frequency has dropped, but they still occur like once a month, which still make huge impact on our relations. Even our sex life suffers beacuse of these outbursts.

 

Well, it all leaves me with no hope, I guess. I'm kind of on a fence right now. One hour I think how wonderful she is, next hour I contamplate on why I should leave asap, and then I start to dig where I was wrong.

Edited January 30, 2019 by el.mariachi93