Wave Rider Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) In thinking about why I find it easy to make male friends but very difficult to make female friends, I have come to this possible answer: I prefer the company of men because a male friend expects much less from me than woman, and because a man is likely to praise me for my strengths while a woman is more likely to criticize me for my shortcomings. A man appreciates what I can bring to our friendship, while a woman compares me with with the ideal man on her "list," to which no man can ever measure up. So in the company of men I fell appreciated, but in the company of women I feel judged as being not good enough. So, I generally avoid friendships with women. A male friend doesn't care how tall I am, but a woman does. A male friend doesn't care how much money I make or whether I have a "good" job, but a woman does. A male friends accepts me as I am, but a woman focuses on all the ways that I'm not quite the man she was hoping for. A male friend will name 10 things he likes about me, while a woman will name 100 things about me that she would change if she could. Even if a woman likes me and thinks I'm very attractive and interesting, she can find at least a dozen ways that, as great as I am, I still don't measure up to the ideal man on her list. I recognize that this goes both ways. As I have felt the weight of a woman's list in her judgement of me, certainly some of the women I have known have felt the weight of my list in my judgment of them. I fear that we are simply back to the question of "Can men and women really be friends?" The only friendships I've had with women that actually worked were when there was no chance that we could be romantically involved. In those cases, I actually found some pretty cool women who had some interesting things to say and some great perspective to offer. But if there was any chance of anything romantic happening between us, the weight of my list, and her list, and my expectations, and her expectations, made any kind of friendship impossible. Edited January 25, 2019 by Wave Rider Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 As a woman, who has had close male friends all of her life. I have no idea what you are talking about. You aren’t talking about friendship, but rather romantic prospects. I don’t care how tall, rich, attractive etc my FRIENDS are. My requirements for friends are that they must be smart, have good social skills, enjoy mutual conversation and have some common interests. Men I want to date have different requirements - just like you pointed out. When it’s platonic it works. There are many guys I have been thrilled to be friends with, but I don’t want to have sex with them, nor marry them etc. I am guessing you have different requirements of women you want to date, than what you require of your male friends. Do you care how attractive your male friends are? How about their weight? Clothes and body hair removal? How about personality, do you want your male friends to be sweet and feminine? Apples to oranges my friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) You certainly don’t have a very high opinion of women, which is really sad. I agree with recent change. I don’t agree with your hypothesis. I think it’s another attempt to reason and justify why you have found romantic relationships so challenging. And, I personally think it’s off the mark. Edited January 25, 2019 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) When it comes to platonic friendships, women don't care about your height, your accomplishments or how much money you make. They just want you to be emotionally open. Yes, this means sharing the good, the bad and the ugly which is going on in each other's lives. The very conversational style which you've previously mentioned disliking. WaveRider wrote >>The only friendships I've had with women that actually worked were when there was no chance that we could be romantically involved. In those cases, I actually found some pretty cool women who had some interesting things to say and some great perspective to offer. But if there was any chance of anything romantic happening between us, the weight of my list, and her list, and my expectations, and her expectations, made any kind of friendship impossible.<< This ^ is exactly what I'm talking about. This here is a perfect description of male/female friendship - and unlike what you've suggested at the top, it's something that can and does work for you. Where women get fussy, it's when they are looking for a relationship. I have many dear friends who's foibles I accept but I could never have a relationship with them. Edited January 25, 2019 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 There used to be a phrase for guys who preferred the company of men and never seemed to be dating a woman. Confirmed bachelor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) As friends l prefer men anyyyyy day no brainer. Soooo much simpler and things in common, no bs. speak the same lingo and all the rest of it. Even having to watch my daughter go through primary school my God , the bs with the girls was unbelievable and very hard to sit by as a dad too a lot of the time. About the only hassles l had as a guy at school was the occasional fight. But l do love female company though, mainly just my own woman though, some of her friends here and there too if l click with any of them, one or two female friends over the years. Apart from that though and just general every day type life contact with women ,shops or whatever, l can't be fkd with them myself. Edited January 25, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 As a woman, I second the sentiment that women friends are far more judgmental than men friends, by and large. I have some excellent women friends that don’t care about how I choose to dress, how often I get my hair styled or whether I have a “beauty routine”, but they’re the exception. Men friends OTOH would rather talk about ideas than people, are happy to have a laugh or debate a theory or just nurse a single malt in companiable silence, rather than trying to fill the space with inane chatter about superficial gossip, in general. I have yet to meet a man who cared that I couldn’t name any Kardashians, or have never had my nails professionally done, or buy my clothes online so I don’t ever have to go into clothing shops. They don’t judge me for not liking Jane Austen, or cats, or ABBA - or for having strong opinions about Marvel vs DC, the 13th Doctor, or politics. With women, I’m usually on my guard - I can’t relax like I can around guy friends. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I think people are being too harsh on the OP. He's not saying he hates women. He's saying that his desire for romance makes him too self-conscious in the company of women, because he's constantly evaluating them for mating potential and worrying about how they're evaluating him. This isn't that rare a thing. Many single girls find it awkward to be around guys in anything other than a flirty context because they're so distracted by their desire to find a partner. For some people, they really have to be happily married before they are comfortable pursuing friendships that are not at all affected by romance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Why do you care about having women friends anyway op? l get what your saying about any potentials but that's not really women as friends anyway that's more as a potential and that's only one out of god knows how many anyway. So if they aren't someone your interested in in that way which only takes a few seconds to know anyway , who cares what they think in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Most "normal" heterosexual men don't really keep female friends...I mean, they have women they know, but not really friends... Not in my experience, anyway...The few times women tried to be friends with me, it was always the needy types that either wanted someone to call if their car broke down, they needed some cash, something heavy moved, or to have me scare off some guy that was bothering her.....uhhhh...No thanks... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I had strictly platonic relationships with men in 3 scenarios over my life: 1. School - high school, college, grad school. Where our friendships were initially based on common goals, projects, etc. and then in time, after the goals were accomplished we remained friendly. 2. Work. I work in a heavily male dominated field and am a friendly, outgoing person. I joke around and we all get along well. Even random lunch/happy hours with each other. 3. Mutual friends with my husband/spouses of my girlfriends. Other than that, as an adult, I don't seek nor do I want opposite sex friendships. I find most are lopsided in that there is always some sort of sexual undertone. And I'm not interested in that. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) l have had a few over the years and no l wasn't hoping to sleep with them that's why they were friends. But l dunno , they've never lasted and l've never expected them too. l do have one female friend now but we consider ourselves brother sister , funny really because l already have 6 sisters , looks like l dug up another one eh. lf it doesn't rain it pours right. lt's never been more than friends. Edited January 25, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Most "normal" heterosexual men don't really keep female friends...I mean, they have women they know, but not really friends... Not in my experience, anyway...The few times women tried to be friends with me, it was always the needy types that either wanted someone to call if their car broke down, they needed some cash, something heavy moved, or to have me scare off some guy that was bothering her.....uhhhh...No thanks... TFY I agree with this 100% completely. I don't know many heterosexual men or women that have opposite sex friends or seek out opposite sex friends unless those friendships have a common theme like work/old school friends/partners of spouses, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I don't see a problem with having only male friends OP. Hope you don't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 He's not saying he hates women. He's saying that his desire for romance makes him too self-conscious in the company of women, because he's constantly evaluating them for mating potential and worrying about how they're evaluating him. Agreed. Over the years, I've noticed guys generally fall into one of two categories - those that see women as sexual beings and those that see them as people. If the former, even when the guy is married, there's a constant scanning and assessment going on under the surface that seems to color every interaction. If the latter, thoughts like "how attractive does she think I am?" don't even occur to you. Two different mindsets... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I am a permanently single female and have lots of male friends that are married or in long term relationships. I don't have any romantic interest in them, but their SOs usually limit the time we can hang out (which I understand). For me, men don't seem to be obsessed with dating as much as women and more importantly they never ask me why I am not married or why I don't want children. They also enjoy talking about career related stuff. Women are always nagging me about getting on tinder, about needing to find someone etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 power-struggles ensue if you have conflicts of interests, jealousy, either gender ime Link to post Share on other sites
T-Rexus Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Dude if you don't want to have female friends that's perfectly fine. There isn't anything wrong with just having guy friends and one girlfriend. Personally I strongly prefer to have female friends over guy friends, but I'm just weird like that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 I get what many are saying regarding opposite sex friends. And being as I grew up a Tom Boy, I am a bit of an outlier. I don’t need my friends to be “emotionally open” with me, as I tend to be closed off and very private when it comes to that sort of stuff. I rather talk about the advantages of a manual transmission than fashion or grooming. But regarding the OP, being as he has very little experience with women, and even less dating them - I think a platonic friend would be a good idea. OP, aren’t you in the STEM field? Aren’t there any down to earth, practical women to interact with? Out of the few female friends I do have, many are engineers or scientists. The kind of people I tend to get along better with, and also seem to usually have a good mix of friends from both genders. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 I’m exactly the same. Most men always end up wanting to sleep you with. Even if you don’t flirt with them. That’s my experience at least. I had strictly platonic relationships with men in 3 scenarios over my life: 1. School - high school, college, grad school. 2. Work. 3. Mutual friends with my husband/spouses of my girlfriends. I find most are lopsided in that there is always some sort of sexual undertone. And I'm not interested in that. Link to post Share on other sites
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