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Knowingly becoming an OM/OW


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I am not here to judge. This is a question I have often wondered. I know a lot of times people never think they will be the OM or OW and it just happens. It could be because they were deceived or other reasons.

 

 

Why would someone knowingly get involved with a person in a committed relationship? Do they think about the person being betrayed and their feelings? Do they do it for contact or attention? Does it boost their self-esteem?

 

 

I have had married men or men with girlfriends approach me to get together with them. I flat out tell them "no" because they are in a relationship. I don't want to be part of a love triangle.

 

 

Just wondering . . . . Please don't attack!

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The men that are successful at this often become successful at this by convincing the potential OW that they are miserable in their marriage, that their wife is totally unreasonable, withholding sex and affection. Of course sometimes this story is even true.

 

It doesn't matter to people like you if it is true or not. It is no excuse to have an affair. Often, even if the sad story IS true, the MM never leaves the marriage, just strings the OW along, for years sometimes. Even when caught, the MM most often decides to stay with the BW. No matter how true the story of a bad marriage is.

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Do you think they OW feels sorry for the MM and gives in?

 

 

The MM should get divorced if things are bad.

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I know a lot of times people never think they will be the OM or OW and it just happens.

 

Going to stop you right there. One doesn't become the OM or OW by having it "just happen", you make a series of choices and decisions putting you in that exact spot. It's not fate, kismet or happenstance, it's a chosen path. Which then makes it somewhat disingenuous to complain about where you've ended up...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I would guess that someone might knowingly become an ow/om because to them, the benefits outweigh the risks.

 

 

I don't mean that they necessarily sit down and consciously weigh it all out, but that whatever the positives in the relationship are outweigh the negatives...until they don't.

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loversquarrel

It could depend on circumstances. For me, the person who was my OW became involved with me knowing I was done with my marriage, just not legally. My stance is if the marriage is over what then is the point of waiting close to a year for a divorce to be finalized? She definitely knew what she was getting into and I know she had a thing for me for years before my divorce but never acted on it.

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somanymistakes

The most common reasons, as far as I'm aware:

 

Emotional bonding / sympathy. You make friends with this married person, probably at work. You open up to each other about your lives. They support you, you support them. Eventually they start to tell you about their marital problems and how lonely they feel. You feel bad for them - how dare anyone mistreat my friend like this? If we were together I would be so much nicer!!! - and emotions get stronger. Up to this point it's quite possible neither of them made a conscious choice to cheat, but now they find themselves falling for each other, and unless they pull back, this will almost certainly lead to an affair.

 

No strings. Some people are looking for sex, not a relationship, either because they like it casual or because they already have a relationship and are cheating themselves. So who's the best person to go for if you want someone that won't want a relationship with you? Someone who's married but willing to sleep around.

 

Much less common, they were lied to. This does happen, some people pretend to be single, maybe even make up whole false identities for themselves, in order to score dates. But while it happens I don't think it's the main cause.

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somanymistakes

Do they think about the person being betrayed and their feelings? Do they do it for contact or attention? Does it boost their self-esteem?

 

Speaking only for myself here, and my situation is kind of a weird one.

 

Did I think about the person being "betrayed"?

 

Sure, I thought about her, and insisted that she had to know everything that was going on, because it wasn't fair to her to go behind her back. We did not have physical contact while they were living together. We were having an EA only. Yes, he told her everything, as I asked. No, he wasn't just lying to me about that, I did talk to her directly a few times as well.

 

Did I care about her feelings? Yes and no. I acknowledge that she had feelings, but in the overall balance of things, I don't think protecting her feelings is worth making everyone else miserable. I wish the situation had never been created in the first place, and I'm aware that it's my fault. I wish that I'd married him to begin with, before he met her. But if they'd been happily married, I would have stayed away.

 

"contact or attention"

 

I'm not sure what you meant by this question. I did it for love.

 

"boost self-esteem"

 

I'm not sure how anyone's self-esteem gets BOOSTED by getting into an affair, which tends to be one long crazy rollercoaster of heartbreak and misery. I suppose winning in the end is a little bit of a self-esteem boost? Knowing that someone thinks you're worth going through all that pain is a little bit of a self-esteem boost? But compared to the huge amounts of self-doubt and angst, it doesn't really come out to a net positive.

 

I suppose maybe for someone who considers it a game to collect lovers, then it might be a self-esteem boost.

 

But for a lot of OWs, it's more because their self-esteem is pretty low already and they don't think they deserve anything better.

 

Personally I'm aware that I deserve every bit of pain this whole thing puts me through, because I screwed up in the past and all of this is my fault. I don't think that exact sentiment is common, but I do see other OW posters saying that second fiddle is all that they deserve.

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Sadly, there are some men and women who really believe that. On the other hand, there are others who actually enjoy the pity party and sympathy they get. However, that seems to be few and far between.

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I'm not sure how anyone's self-esteem gets BOOSTED by getting into an affair, which tends to be one long crazy rollercoaster of heartbreak and misery. I suppose winning in the end is a little bit of a self-esteem boost? Knowing that someone thinks you're worth going through all that pain is a little bit of a self-esteem boost? But compared to the huge amounts of self-doubt and angst, it doesn't really come out to a net positive.

 

Pretty sure almost all OW/OM feel a boost to their ego or their self esteem in the early stages of the affair and that's what makes so many affairs addictive. Later when the pain starts to come the OW/OM holds on desperately hoping for a shot of those good feelings from the early days.

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somanymistakes
Pretty sure almost all OW/OM feel a boost to their ego or their self esteem in the early stages of the affair and that's what makes so many affairs addictive. Later when the pain starts to come the OW/OM holds on desperately hoping for a shot of those good feelings from the early days.

 

That's true, that makes sense.

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I knew he was married as am I

 

I feel bad for her, because I dont think she will deserve the pain when she finds out. No woman does.... and as vain as it sounds, I’m younger, thinner and prettier then her. And while its shallow it will hurt as well. Im also on good terms with her friends and thier kids. So she will be reminded of me frequently.

 

While they may have their ussues, I dont hold her guiltily... I believe he should tell her and give the relationship an honest chance or end it.

 

Hes never lied to me or given me empty promises.

 

I dont try to befriend his wife or push her away. I attempt to treat her respectfully but aware that I am bot her friend. Someday she will hate me, and I dont want her feeling betrayed by my friendship as well.

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I got involved with a woman that was married as she pursued mm. I broke it off. It's scary how and what we till due to justify any type of romantic relationship.

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I feel bad for her, because I dont think she will deserve the pain when she finds out. No woman does.... and as vain as it sounds, I’m younger, thinner and prettier then her. And while its shallow it will hurt as well. Im also on good terms with her friends and thier kids. So she will be reminded of me frequently.

 

I feel like I have to ask the obvious question - why be a part of this? You clearly understand how cruel and insensitive this is, and that the circumstances could make events even more painful. So why participate?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I feel like I have to ask the obvious question - why be a part of this? You clearly understand how cruel and insensitive this is, and that the circumstances could make events even more painful. So why participate?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because they both have chosen to forfeit emotional intimacy to co parent as roommates. Others have even commented how disconnected they are to me unaware that hes with me.

 

I give him the emotional and intellectual connection he misses and he does likewise for me.

 

I am fully aware of the consequences of my actions and the effect on others

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I am fully aware of the consequences of my actions and the effect on others

 

And there it is, an almost perfect segue back to the OP's original question of "Why would someone knowingly get involved with a person in a committed relationship?"

 

It requires the ability to conclude there's no price too high for other people people to pay for your happiness. As long as it works for you, that's good enough.

 

Some can live with that, some can't...

 

Mr. Lucky

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And there it is, an almost perfect segue back to the OP's original question of "Why would someone knowingly get involved with a person in a committed relationship?"

 

It requires the ability to conclude there's no price too high for other people people to pay for your happiness. As long as it works for you, that's good enough.

 

Some can live with that, some can't...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I fully warned him what it could cost

 

Im aware its selfish behavoir and it has hurt others and will on the future

 

If he wishes to stay in the marriage for the stability of his children I respect that. And if he decides not to, then we can decide if the relationship is viable.

 

All I know is when we’re together we support, comfort and cherish one another. The relationship feels secure and gentle.

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2.50 a gallon

When I lived in Silicone Valley the company that I worked for encouraged us workers to play together after hours. Towards that my fellow workers and I used to meet at our favorite club the second Saturday of each month.

There was this one gal, who was a higher up, who hardly ever showed up as she was married and her husband was not interested.

They had been married 5 years after graduating, and had held off on having kids until they could afford it. Their 5 year anniversary was coming up and they had made plans to get away to a bed and breakfast on that weekend, and now that they could afford it were going to try and conceive that weekend.

That Thursday her husband had informed her that those plans were off as a friend of his had invited him to go and watch the finals of a big poker tournament that weekend.

Come Saturday night, we were surprised to see her show up alone. And even more surprised was her, a more conservative woman, wearing this small red dress, split up the side and leaving nothing to the imagination.

She informed me she was out to get laid that night, and I was first choice, if not there were plenty of other candidates.

And remember what Zorba the Greek said about God not forgiving a man when a woman invites him to bed and he refuses to go

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I fully warned him what it could cost

 

Im aware its selfish behavoir and it has hurt others and will on the future

 

Just underlines what I said. You're aware of the damage, or at least the potential for same, but continue anyway. You've decided the benefit to you outweighs the risk to them.

 

Lotus_Luna, I don't couch this as right or wrong. The question was asked "what does it take", that seems to be the answer. It is what it is...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Just underlines what I said. You're aware of the damage, or at least the potential for same, but continue anyway. You've decided the benefit to you outweighs the risk to them.

 

Lotus_Luna, I don't couch this as right or wrong. The question was asked "what does it take", that seems to be the answer. It is what it is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

At this point damage is done

 

Her husband has been involved in a years long emotional affair and has been occasionally physical with her.

 

Ending it today changes none of that.

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Sorry primer but I call BS on this;

 

 

I know a lot of times people never think they will be the OM or OW and it just happens.
(my italics)

 

 

Newsflash - it never "just happens". Affairs happen because the people involved want it to happen. Affairs are devised, planned and executed by two willing parties with the full knowldge that their actions can bust up the primary relationship(s)

 

 

People do it because they want to and they can - it really is as simple as that. :rolleyes:

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Why would someone knowingly get involved with a person in a committed relationship?
you like others here project their needs onto to others a/k/a you assume what you want is what they want. OR assume an affair means contact every day.

 

talk to bartenders: they see countless 'bored' 40 something wives scared of being their moms. some just want to be noticed and go home, others go further.

 

then there are the divorcees that enjoy their new found solitude and LOVE IT. for them having a monthly date fits their new lifestyle. and by choosing one in a relationship means no daily calls, no second family stuff, no...

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Sorry primer but I call BS on this;

 

 

(my italics)

 

 

Newsflash - it never "just happens". Affairs happen because the people involved want it to happen. Affairs are devised, planned and executed by two willing parties with the full knowldge that their actions can bust up the primary relationship(s)

 

 

People do it because they want to and they can - it really is as simple as that. :rolleyes:

 

I’d have to agree with this.

It’s very rare that you just accidentally stumble into an A situation. At least the married person knows they’re married, and the OP usually knows, too. So it’s a choice the potential OP has to make. Do I get involved? Yes? No? No for obvious reasons. And if yes, why, and what will I get out of it?

 

We hear occasionally, esp on this board, that OPs (especially the female ones) had no clue initially that their MP was married. But I can’t for the life of me figure out how this type of deceipt can possibly fly with them. Do your research, people, before getting involved with someone romantically! (Or even just sexually, for that matter)

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I fully warned him what it could cost

 

Im aware its selfish behavoir and it has hurt others and will on the future

 

If he wishes to stay in the marriage for the stability of his children I respect that. And if he decides not to, then we can decide if the relationship is viable.

 

All I know is when we’re together we support, comfort and cherish one another. The relationship feels secure and gentle.

 

 

And you are perfectly fine in asking his wife to pay for your comfort. if it really bothered you, you wouldn't do it.

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At this point damage is done

 

Easy to say when you've not the one being damaged.

 

Her husband has been involved in a years long emotional affair and has been occasionally physical with her.

 

And this is your choice for a partner?

 

Lotus_Luna, I'm not going to change my way of thinking, my happiness (whatever that means) won't come at someone else's expense. And since I doubt you'll change yours, regardless of outcome I wish you well...

 

Mr. Lucky

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