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Flakes and flakey behavior


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Hi everyone! Most of us have been there, you meet a cool girl/guy, the conversations are great, they seem interested, but then once you ask them out they never manage to come through. What happened? I'd like people to explore the psychology of flakes and share their own personal experiences with them. It should be interesting!

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They are not that into you, but like the attention.

 

Interesting! So you think you should just cut them cold turkey and move to the next then, correct?

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Interesting! So you think you should just cut them cold turkey and move to the next then, correct?

 

 

What's the alternative? To keep them around and keep getting pushed off and miss out on someone else who would like to date you and is unmistakable about it?

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What's the alternative? To keep them around and keep getting pushed off and miss out on someone else who would like to date you and is unmistakable about it?

 

I'm not sure! Haha, I just like to clarify

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Kitty Tantrum

I have flaked on people when I was young and virtually incapable of saying no. But that was like... quasi-ambushed by a stranger in a public place (so not stringing along anyone I'd encouraged to invest their time and attention)... and applicable in a variety of situations. I could sit and smile and nod my head through a spiel, exchange pleasantries, and say of course I'd love to [have coffee with you/donate to your charity/attend your Tupperware party], take their information (never gave out mine), and pretend they never existed as soon as they leave.

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Oh, I've known a lot of flakes, some up close and personal. A roommate of mine, female, huge huge flirt. Flirted with everyone. Diagnosed narcissist. Couldn't stand it if she wasn't the center of attention. She would flirt extremely with so many guys and have them coming over for a date, more than one in a night and then just leave or hide. It was crazy. She left me stranded with them as her roommate. One night I got sick of it and just invited him to stay and have a drink so that she had to be quiet and confined to her room where she was hiding. She might or might not get back around to them at a later date.

 

One guy was elusive. I thought I had him nailed down finally to come over and watch some Bowie something on tv (in the 70s) and he flaked. Found out as I knew more about him that him and his immediate crowd were serious drug users, addicts, so they weren't going anywhere they couldn't openly shoot up or whatever. He was always nice when I saw him out and about. Just had a bad addiction.

 

I have one younger female friend (had, I should say -- we all got sick of it and cut her off) who would be late or come to something you invited her to bringing a friend making you the third wheel who provided the tickets. Then when she did therapy, the therapist gave her an excuse and said she can't help being like that sometimes, and ever since then, she's put in NO effort whatever to be polite and on time. She burned out one of her oldest friends asking to stay at her place and not showing up at all from out of town or calling or anything. Flake. She was far better before she got the diagnosis, I have to say. She later lost her medical doctor's license for doing something illegal and then the board gave a pathway to get it back by taking pertinent classes and she flaked on them for like five years. They were so generous (I read the whole thing -- that stuff is online) trying to give her license back and she just shined them on over and over. She did finally get it back. I would venture to say she shouldn't have at this point. Too flakey. But her status is ruined so she ends up doing private home care and such.

 

People who refuse to plan things are flakes, and I just can't deal with them. It's so rude.

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Interesting! So you think you should just cut them cold turkey and move to the next then, correct?

Absolutely.

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So you think you should just cut them cold turkey and move to the next then, correct?

 

I think some folks just want to keeps their options open and they don't care at what cost to other people this convenience comes. These same people, later on in life, will make reservations at multiple restaurants and decide at the last minute where they want to go.

 

Narcissism at work...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm a (sometimes) flaker, in theory. A lot of people who are ENFP in Myers Briggs are.

 

It doesn't mean I'm not into someone. It could mean many things but mainly that I didn't sleep well that night and woke up in a bad mood and feel like meeting is not a good idea for either of us.

 

It could be that I am PMSing or in a bad mood and again think it's not a great idea to meet. It could be that I am working too much and realize last minute I have zero energy to hang out.

 

My best GF and I once discussed it as she's the opposite and gets very pissed when someone cancels on her (ENTJ in Myers Briggs, so typical of that type). She came to accept that's just my modus operandi, has nothing to do with her, or lack of respect for her, and she learned to adapt to the times I cancel. She mentioned "you're still predictable, so it's not hard to accept it". That's the ideal situation for me. Someone who accepts me and my modus operandi.

 

Of course I try my best to respect her and my prospective dates time - but many times it's just beyond me to change it when I feel that way.

 

One thing I try to do is not pre-book things in advance as I never know how I will be feeling that day. People with my personality type prefer to be more spontaneous so we don't disappoint people if something was booked a long time ago and we have to cancel.

Edited by edgygirl
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I think everyone bad mouthing flakes here are (S) sensors in Myers Briggs. Sensors have a profound beef with (N) intuitive types like me who prefer to keep things open. It's just a different preference in personality, it doesn't mean the N people are bad people, or narcissists who don't respect others. It mainly means I prefer to keep my options open instead of locking on meetings in advance, because I know something might happen where I can't show up.

 

Studying Myers Briggs is the best tool to understand (personality-related) preferences differences, and understand where other types are coming from. It made my life much easier, as I don't get angry when I don't understand why someone is acting a certain way that doesn't make sense to me.

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Joyce Simmons

I hate flakes in general. Maybe it’s more acceptable for flakes to happen in dating, I get that. It ticks me off when so called friends, people flake. They say something like they will do something then they make excuses. Lame, if people can’t follow through then just say it. It’s not that hard

Edited by Joyce Simmons
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It mainly means I prefer to keep my options open instead of locking on meetings in advance, because I know something might happen where I can't show up.

 

Hate to reveal myself as a core (S) but how does this work on a practical basis?

 

How does someone plan something if you won't commit?

 

How do they avoid being inconvenienced if you cancel or back out last second?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I prefer to keep my options open instead of locking on meetings in advance, because I know something might happen where I can't show up.

Wow.

 

Just... wow.

 

May as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "I'm unreliable and can't be trusted to follow through on my commitments."

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Interesting! So you think you should just cut them cold turkey and move to the next then, correct?

 

Absolutely! Just spend time with those who are reliable and show interest.

 

I am someone who might flake because I hate making long range plans because I don't know what I might want to do when the day arrives. I try not to make plans with anyone and prefer to drive myself rather than go with others because I want to leave when I'm ready and not inconvenience others.

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See... as I said, it's S people who are outraged by it really.

 

I do commit. And I do usually follow through. But the people who know me also know there's a chance I will reschedule, they love me and accept me. I try very hard to keep my commitments.

 

I usually don't cancel last second. Let's say I was supposed to meet someone in the evening. As soon as I wake up and realize I haven't slept enough or it's a bad day, I let them know ASAP, in the morning.

 

I know I have this problem so I try to be very considerate of other people. I am a super responsible person actually, and I people know I am trustworthy. I may flake but still they trust me. It's fine.

 

Google it and you'll see it's common:

 

 

Hate to reveal myself as a core (S) but how does this work on a practical basis?

 

How does someone plan something if you won't commit?

 

How do they avoid being inconvenienced if you cancel or back out last second?

 

Mr. Lucky

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That's what you got wrong. I am totally reliable and people trust me.

 

I work around it mostly by trying not to set plans too much in advance. I also never cancel last minute. I am considerate of others.

 

I recommend you test Myers Briggs to start understanding how quite a lot of types have this problem.

 

As much as you are shocked by my flakiness, I will probably be shocked by your lack of flexibility.

 

Understanding that different people have different preferences (Myers Briggs speaking) makes life and accepting others much easier.

 

Wow.

 

Just... wow.

 

May as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "I'm unreliable and can't be trusted to follow through on my commitments."

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Oh, I've known a lot of flakes, some up close and personal. A roommate of mine, female, huge huge flirt. Flirted with everyone. Diagnosed narcissist. Couldn't stand it if she wasn't the center of attention. She would flirt extremely with so many guys and have them coming over for a date, more than one in a night and then just leave or hide. It was crazy. She left me stranded with them as her roommate. One night I got sick of it and just invited him to stay and have a drink so that she had to be quiet and confined to her room where she was hiding. She might or might not get back around to them at a later date.

 

Why did she leave or hide when they came over?

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Why did she leave or hide when they came over?

 

Sounds like it's because she wanted the attention, not the end goal

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