Why [don't we hear about] happy endings [from affairs]?

[niteandfog]

They do exist, so why don't we ever hear from them?

[carhill]

LS is a problem sharing forum. People who successfully move on from affairs, apparently plenty given the billions of them which have gone on/go on in the world, are out living life and not journaling on LS.

 

As far as the ones which don't have 'happy endings', IME it's due to expectations being out of line with reality. This can happen in all forms of relationships, and does, considering the billions of human interactions and associations which fail.

 

The reality doesn't change but we can change how we process reality.

[niteandfog]

I think this won't make a lot of sense in the general board without some context... I meant relationships that start as affairs. You barely read happy endings on these forums

[niteandfog]

LS is a problem sharing forum. People who successfully move on from affairs, apparently plenty given the billions of them which have gone on/go on in the world, are out living life and not journaling on LS.

 

As far as the ones which don't have 'happy endings', IME it's due to expectations being out of line with reality. This can happen in all forms of relationships, and does, considering the billions of human interactions and associations which fail.

 

The reality doesn't change but we can change how we process reality.

 

Interesting take. When I ended up here I was desperate for even the tiniest crumb of hope. Maybe I was lucky but having that hope would have helped during some weeks of uncertainty. I'm in a very happy place now, but I also think such negativity was borderline toxic.

[Prudence V]

They do exist, so why don't we ever hear from them?

 

Most of us don’t hang about here much - we’re too busy living the dream ?

 

TBH, there were more of us before the site disappeared, and most didn’t find their way back after it returned.

[Bittersweetie]

I think this won't make a lot of sense in the general board without some context... I meant relationships that start as affairs. You barely read happy endings on these forums

 

Personally I feel that that people who choose to have affairs have issues within themselves that manifest in the choice to have an affair...rather than dealing with the internal issues head on. It becomes a cycle, because since the underlying issue has not been addressed, there can be no true happy ending.

 

I say this as someone who had an affair. Looking back, I see now that my choices were a result of my own issues and not my husband or marriage (even though that's what I told myself at the time). Once I truly and fully addressed these issues, I did have a happy ending...with my husband who gave me a second chance, and with myself, living in an authentic and healthy place.

[carhill]

Since I've had a number of involvements with committed people, no doubt they are relationships in some form, and are for those who participate in them. However, we're talking about people hearing about happy endings, not about the milieu of their own affairs.

 

My happy ending story is the serial MW I was involved with 30+ years ago, she's successfully now been with her exit affair partner for close to 20 years, she's a grandmother, he's a proud father of college students, they own a business together and have been quite successful. That their relationship started as an affair doesn't matter to them. Basically, they don't care. They're out living life to the full. What I write on an anonymous relationship forum doesn't affect their life at all. There's a lesson in that. It didn't bother her to hurt me decades ago, or use me, or use other men. We can call people like her selfish and self-absorbed but hey she's bouncing her grandbabies on her lap and I'm not. Breeding success, relationship success, monetary success. Society grumbles, yeah, tongues might wag. How important are the lives and tongues of others? Not very. We see evidence of that each day.

 

Examine closely the lives of the people we choose to lead us. Happy endings?

[elaine567]

They do exist, so why don't we ever hear from them?

 

 

On LS we hear from the people in affairs who have hit snags, whose "love affair" is not panning out in the way they wanted, who have been unceremoniously dumped or "thrown under the bus", who are sad/angry/distressed when their MM/MW has gone back to their wife/husband, when the divorce so sincerely promised has never materialised... etc. etc.

 

I also guess that those in the throes of unhappy and upsetting times do not really want to hear from those crowing about how it all worked out swimmingly for them either...

[Kitty Tantrum]

I currently share a house with an older married couple whose relationship began as an affair many years ago. They were both married to other people, had children in their respective marriages, etc. It went from online friendship to long-distance romance, and then they basically up and ran away together one day. I don't recall the exact number of years, but they've been happily married for over a decade. Both of them acknowledge that their case is highly unusual. It's especially unusual in that they're both on good terms with their exes these days.

 

I think it's not common to hear about happy endings because many of the scenarios that seem like happy endings don't actually pan out. It's a very small fraction that do. Often in affair scenarios you're dealing with one or more people who are simply incapable of sustaining long-term commitments (highly selfish people, serial cheaters, etc.). These happy endings are temporary, because they're just part of a cycle of behavior that eventually leads to the same thing happening in the new relationship.

 

In the case of this couple I know, from what I've gathered, they had both already foreseen the end of their respective marriages before they got together, and it seems to be a legitimate case of all parties (betrayed spouses included) being happier with who they ended up with than who they started with.

 

That's so rare. Even in cases where affair partners do end up formally "together" long-term, I think most still end up plagued by the long-term consequences of burning bridges and stirring up drama in their respective families.

 

There's also the social stigma of it. For the most part, society is still underpinned by the notion that individual happiness does NOT supercede the individual obligation to make decisions that are conducive to maintaining stable families and social structures. I tend to agree with this. If your "happy ending" leaves a trail of social destruction in its wake, that's not something that ought to be modeled as acceptable - in my opinion.

[elaine567]

If your "happy ending" leaves a trail of social destruction in its wake, that's not something that ought to be modeled as acceptable - in my opinion.

 

 

That is often true and I guess another reason many will not come on here

 

to discuss and defend how their "happy ending" actually resulted in an unhappy ending for those cheated on, abandoned and left with trust issues and other long standing problems that often accompany being the BS.

Then there are the kids...

[niteandfog]

In our case everybody is happier (apart from maybe my exH, but frankly he deserves it all). I won't pretend all kids are blended (between them they are) and we all get along in our own ways. My partner's daughter even included me in her family tree. I don't feel completely free at the school ground but that was a small price to pay.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why no happy endings [from affairs]?

 

Founded on lies, sustained through manipulation and deceit and ending in betrayal on someone's part.

 

What could go wrong ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotus_Luna]

They happen, I know several older ones who met while one or both were married.

Theyre not as vocal about it.

 

Honestly, it becomes a relationship like any other. If its not built on a true foundation and nutured it will die. It has more againat it, but you cant say all affairs end in unhappy relationships or all end in happy. Depends on the factors.

[basil67]

I also know a handful of people who've ended marrying their affair partner and living happily ever after.

[FMW]

Like others have said, I use this forum to deal with problems, things that aren't working out and that I need to figure out how to handle. I can get the views of a large group of people I don't know but who have been through something similar, something that would be harder to find with people I do actually know. I don't post about the good things, the successes in my life - I share that with friends and family.

 

And if you've been around here for long you know that anything positive posted about a relationship that began as an affair would be vociferously attacked, so the happy ones are enjoying their lives and steering clear of the slings and arrows

[Lotus_Luna]

Like others have said, I use this forum to deal with problems, things that aren't working out and that I need to figure out how to handle. I can get the views of a large group of people I don't know but who have been through something similar, something that would be harder to find with people I do actually know. I don't post about the good things, the successes in my life - I share that with friends and family.

 

And if you've been around here for long you know that anything positive posted about a relationship that began as an affair would be vociferously attacked, so the happy ones are enjoying their lives and steering clear of the slings and arrows

 

This is true...

 

I dont have the conflict about my relationship with Ex AP (or current AP... whatever we are)... nothing dramatic to say. If I posted ‘wow he was so supportive today and made me feel safe and valued’ people wouldnt be happy.

 

It would become focused on why I choose to stay married and how we’re all ‘once cheaters, always cheaters’ and other viewpoints based in bias and not aware of all the facts.

 

I prefer to talk to my therapist

[niteandfog]

Like others have said, I use this forum to deal with problems, things that aren't working out and that I need to figure out how to handle. I can get the views of a large group of people I don't know but who have been through something similar, something that would be harder to find with people I do actually know. I don't post about the good things, the successes in my life - I share that with friends and family.

 

And if you've been around here for long you know that anything positive posted about a relationship that began as an affair would be vociferously attacked, so the happy ones are enjoying their lives and steering clear of the slings and arrows

 

This I find is probably the biggest reason. Whenever I posted about a positive it was always turnaround to how much someone had suffered because of our actions.there was never the benefit of the doubt that maybe things did work out.

[Prudence V]

This I find is probably the biggest reason. Whenever I posted about a positive it was always turnaround to how much someone had suffered because of our actions.there was never the benefit of the doubt that maybe things did work out.

 

This too. If we post about our happy endings, it’s “gloating”. If we share about how well things worked out for us, we’re “giving false hope”. If we provide any counternarrative to the prevailing doom and gloom, we’re either “making it up”, or “cheerleading” for As.

 

While it’s true most As won’t “work out” (in the sense of becoming long-term Ms), that can be said for any R. A small number work our long term, most don’t. But few people yell at anyone posting about dating to tell them they’re wasting their time, all Rs are are doomed, someone always gets hurt and they should cut their losses and run, now!

[elaine567]

But few people yell at anyone posting about dating to tell them they’re wasting their time, all Rs are are doomed, someone always gets hurt and they should cut their losses and run, now!

 

 

People frequently get told they are wasting their time, their R is doomed and to "Run, now" on the dating forum too, but that is because, like many people in affairs, there are red flags fluttering everywhere and the common sense option is to get out before getting very hurt. With experience people know the signs and know where it is all headed...they thus offer advice.

 

When presented with many of the usual OW problems, then the common sense answer is often to "Run now" as to stay and be emotionally "beaten up" daily, makes little sense to anyone.

Yes, there will be people in affairs who seamlessly move from affair to a proper relationship with little hassle or issue, but they don't tend to post on LS seeking help.

Those that do post are often in highly predictable situations, we can often guess the eventual outcome easily, so surely it would be cruel to sit back, offer only "positive" advice and then watch them stew in their own juice...

[niteandfog]

People frequently get told they are wasting their time, their R is doomed and to "Run, now" on the dating forum too, but that is because, like many people in affairs, there are red flags fluttering everywhere and the common sense option is to get out before getting very hurt. With experience people know the signs and know where it is all headed...they thus offer advice.

 

When presented with many of the usual OW problems, then the common sense answer is often to "Run now" as to stay and be emotionally "beaten up" daily, makes little sense to anyone.

Yes, there will be people in affairs who seamlessly move from affair to a proper relationship with little hassle or issue, but they don't tend to post on LS seeking help.

Those that do post are often in highly predictable situations, we can often guess the eventual outcome easily, so surely it would be cruel to sit back, offer only "positive" advice and then watch them stew in their own juice...

 

Very true. However there are a few things that the LS community could advice for the transitioning period. Like a previous poster I was accused of gloating. My relationship is a very happy and and healthy one (definitely the happiest and healthiest I've ever been in). Both sides of our families think the same way. However, I still can't move away from the shame. Being publicly shamed at the school gate obviously didn't help. It's not like I'm seld conscious every time I go and collect/ drop the children. But I know that possibly a very big chunk of the other moms would never want to be friends with me as I stole somebody else's husband (in their opinion of course). That has been the price to pay in my case.

[loversquarrel]

Like most things in life it always depends on the circumstances, and of course there are the statistics.

 

I had a happy ending, but my circumstances were not typical of most affairs. My first affair started out as one of revenge. My second affair was an affair in name only, my marriage was completely over for me at the time with no chance for reconciliation.

 

It is possible to have a happy ending but my current wife and I discovered our own flaws at the time and chose to work on them as our relationship was important enough to us to want it to work. I think it is a very rare thing to have a healthier relationship than the previous when they are born from an affair.

[niteandfog]

Like most things in life it always depends on the circumstances, and of course there are the statistics.

 

I had a happy ending, but my circumstances were not typical of most affairs. My first affair started out as one of revenge. My second affair was an affair in name only, my marriage was completely over for me at the time with no chance for reconciliation.

 

.

 

By that definition then mine was never an affair. Neither of us wanted to be in our previous relationships. I filed for.divorce two weeks after meeting him. He announced he was leaving about two weeks later. There were three months between us meeting and moving out from our respective marital homes.

 

In his case he knew he wanted to both leave his wife and try to have a relationship with me before he approached me. So I guess that makes me part of a minority.

[Mr. Lucky]

While it’s true most As won’t “work out” (in the sense of becoming long-term Ms), that can be said for any R. A small number work our long term, most don’t.

 

While the divorce statistics for marriages in general are daunting enough, the numbers for marriages between AP’s are abysmal. There are many reasons for this, most of them well documented on this forum.

 

For that reason alone, I find most of the advice given here to be fairly practical. Sure, there are some beating the long odds but that’s not typically a realistic direction to point a new poster in a situation littered with challenges and red flags...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loversquarrel]

While the divorce statistics for marriages in general are daunting enough, the numbers for marriages between AP’s are abysmal. There are many reasons for this, most of them well documented on this forum.

 

For that reason alone, I find most of the advice given here to be fairly practical. Sure, there are some beating the long odds but that’s not typically a realistic direction to point a new poster in a situation littered with challenges and red flags...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

^this %110. Statistically affairs are deeply flawed for many reasons. People tend to bring their existing problems with them, they tend to not see the flaws in their affair partner due to lack of time spent together, not too mention the level of attention just isn't there due to more than one ongoing relationship. They are far more complex than the average relationship.

[Lotus_Luna]

^this %110. Statistically affairs are deeply flawed for many reasons. People tend to bring their existing problems with them, they tend to not see the flaws in their affair partner due to lack of time spent together, not too mention the level of attention just isn't there due to more than one ongoing relationship. They are far more complex than the average relationship.

 

Agreed

 

Did they work on their individual problems and relationship issues? Do they understand what went wrong in the marriage? Do they openly communicate? Did they expect the addicted ‘high’ to last? Do they see their partner realistically or from rosy glasses? Do they know how yo comminicate and work theough conflict or was the affair all fantasy? How well did they know one another and themselves?

 

Are they committed to making this relationship last?